What I mean is, it’s time for all the parents out there to take control of their kids. That’s why I’ve decided to give out some much needed parenting advice online. I am fully versed on the subject of childcare. I’ve watched enough 80’s Hollywood movies in which self made bachelors end up caring for a child in unlikely circumstances, too many in fact. In other words, I reckon I know which end of a child to wipe (answer: both). Anyway, here are some hapless parents who need some tender loving advice:
Gemma Driveway – Calorie Counter
My daughter is refusing to eat her greens. I gave her a plate full of delicious curried sprouts, but she wouldn’t eat it. I even gave her a green potato, but she claimed it was “mouldy” and wouldn’t eat the damned thing. How can I guilt trip her into eating my hastily prepared cuisine?
I always tell my children (well, not my children, but ones on opposite tables in restaurants) that for every pea they fail to eat, a rabbit who could have eaten that pea, will die. Children love rabbits, so if they think their actions might go towards the harm of rabbits, they’ll swiftly change. If your child is particularly stubborn, you can buy some pet rabbits and skin them alive, hanging them about the place like a Turkish butcher’s window. Children need visual reinforcement, you see. Failing that, sitting down to eat a fresh rabbit pie should teach her the error of her ways.
Alaister Pigeon – Haemorrhoid Farmer
My son’s birthday is coming up soon. What should I get him as a present?
Barry Shogun – Heavyweight Cardboard Boxer
Easy, buy some mutant, electrified guard dogs. Next!
Stuart Pourer – Head Tester
Kids are always a bad idea. I don’t know who it was who invented kids, but I’d force him to revise his blueprints. Basically, they are stupid, miniature versions of yourself who are protected, by law, from being forced to perform simple tasks for your own profit. The only useful thing about kids is that they provide a vessel through which you can pass your neuroses onto the next generation. I hope that my crippling fear of bananas will live on in my children, and my children’s children, until one day, an army of my descendants rises up to destroy the banana republic.
Anyway, the best way to put your spouse off is give her a long list of made up congenital defects that are prevalent throughout your family tree. Tell her about your great grandfather who had an exploding spleen. Regale her with tales of your uncle Norris who tragically passed away after a severe case of eyelash cancer. With enough horror stories like these, she’ll probably decide that inflicting your children on the world is an unnecessary evil.
Nicole Papa – Cigarette Dispenser
My youngest child is fast approaching the age where I have to give him “the talk”. Although I’ve given this talk eleven times before, it never gets any easier. Are there any tips you can give me on this matter?
Brian Herbie-White – Professional Playa Hater
Alison Packard – Chief Designer Of Chiefs
I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two children. Both my daughters want to start gymkhana, but I have trouble even spelling it, let alone having the time to take them to one every week. How can I let my princesses down gently?
If there's one thing I know about little girls, it’s that they hate riding horses with a passion. I don’t know what your daughters think a gymkhana is, but I think you should set them straight. Then they’ll take up more appropriate girl hobbies, like running up gigantic phone bills, fantasising about teachers, and learning dance moves in the hopes of getting laid at the school disco.
Marissa Duracell – Child Photographer
I think I saw a movie that was about this once. Do her symptoms include masturbating with a crucifix, and an aversion to Holy Water? If so, I think you might find the answer in an old, yet rather controversial movie.
I think the movie was called Big. In it, Tom Hanks wishes he was older, which comes true overnight, leaving him in an adult’s body. I think that your little girl is becoming a woman, and her terrible behaviour is a result of the growing pains of adolescence. You need to sit down and have a talk with your daughter, explain to her about the changes her body will go through, then slap her repeatedly until she stops being so repellent.
That’s all for now. Join me next time when I’ll be teaching people how hitting your kids is bad as you might hurt your hand, and how to handle a toddler who has set fire to himself. Good bye!