Monday, 15 July 2013

Hot Confessions

Greetings friends! I apologise if you've clicked on the link expecting some saucy secrets to be revealed today. I know the title is misleading, but I'll never be discussing my sexual exploits on here, such as the time I thought I'd got lucky in my neighbour's greenhouse but it turned out to be warm compost. Nope, a gentleman never tells!

Anyway, my confession is something that I feel no shame over, but has lead to severe ostracisation from friends, colleagues and coworkers over the years. It's a fact about myself which boggles the mind of the average person. That fact is, I don't like warm drinks.

The general populace are unable to grasp this very simple premise. When I start a new place of work, inevitably, some kind soul will offer me a drink. When I explain that I don't drink tea or coffee, people go into a panic state as if I told them I photosynthesise, or that I can only achieve orgasm by patting my head and rubbing my stomach. Then I have to field questions about it such as "why?" "whaaaaa-?" and "huh?".



Some of you folks may be baffled by this, so I've decided to compile a list of potential answers. This might go some way to explaining myself.

1) I don't like the taste of coffee anyway.
2) I don't find warm drinks very refreshing.
3) I don't need it as a stimulant to wake me up. I currently get up at 5AM and still don't feel the urge to suck down some refined java.
4) I don't tend to drink hot chocolate either.
5) Or horlicks.
6) Yes, I like gravy. Yes, I like soup. Those are foodstuffs though. I eat them rather than drink them. Do you understand?
7) No thank you. If you remember yesterday, I told you I didn't like hot drinks. Especially in the summer.
8) No I haven't changed my mind since then. I haven't changed my mind my whole life.
9) I'm not just trying to dodge the tea fund, although I won't be paying into it.
10) No, please don't just make one anyway and leave it on my desk. I appreciate that you're trying to do something nice, but I'll just fetch a glass of water instead.

When I walk down the street I see people sneering at me from behind their double-grande mocha lattes. When I go into a coffee shop and get a bottle of orange juice, they always ask "no coffees today sir?" as if to say I do not belong in their world. This is not a lifestyle choice, this is something I was born with.

Sometimes people demand an explanation which is more comprehensive than "I don't like tea or coffee". They usually follow up with "yeah, but why?". To the persistent questioner, I have a fake story which excuses me and absolves me of any crimes. In the words of Run DMC, it goes a little something like this:

There I was, a young bright-eyed scamp of 16. The oyster was my world and I held it in the palm of my shoes. Being the idealistic son-of-a-ragamuffin that I was, I decided to celebrate my newfound adultness with a steaming cup of crushed bean juice.

Having never tasted anything other Nescafe's Gold Bell-End, I decided I needed to try a new coffee, a man's coffee, something not from a jar.

I flung open the doors to the illustrious Cafe Nero, a venue named after the gods of yore and wence. This would be the place from now on. The place in which I would seduce the ladies of the world. The place I would trade witty, topical banter with my suited, hot-shot colleagues. The place I would conduct business deal across the globe. Cafe Nero was the gateway to a life a greatness. Their espresso machine and shitty uniforms would provide the backdrop of my glorious rise to adulthood.



I strode over to the counter and looked over their menu. The list was longer and more confusing than a Matrix sequel. It was designed to alienate the outsider, to single out the weak-willed, casual coffee consumer. My knees felt weak. My choice here could define me as a person. If I had a frappe, would I grow up to be the suave sophisicate I knew I could be? Would I trade stocks and shares with a gingerbread cappuchino moustache adorning my demanding lips?

"Would you like any coffees, sir?" How innocent those words sound now. I raised a finger in trepidation and pointed to a bambachino, or something equally obtuse.

The barista looked at the menu, looked at me, looked at the menu, then back at me again. This head dance of an amorous heron continued for what seemed like an ice age, then he addressed me.

"Is this your first coffee, boy?"

I nodded. I wanted to assert myself and belt out the words "What's it to you, piss face!? Now fetch me my beverage before I belittle you in front of your colleagues!" But I could only muster a meek head-nod.

The establishment erupted with laughter. I didn't understand what was happening so I laughed to. This only seemed to intensify the laughter.

"Since this is your first time, there's an initiation you must go through."

Funny that no one had ever mentioned this before, but I agreed to it, desperate as I was to graduate from milk and juice.

Before I knew it, I was lead behind the counter. The barista pointed towards a milk steamer.

"Suckle" he instructed "to be accepted, you must prove that you can handle warmed milk"

The pipe was scoulding hot. I could feel the skin on my lips cracking under the intense heat as I forced the pipe into my throat. There were flashes all around me as people began to snap momentos of the occasion. I wasn't sure if those were boiling tears in my eyes or steam bubbling through my eyeballs, but either way, the experience was none too pleasant. I felt violated, especially when the Barista explained to everyone that I was giving a "coffee blowjob".

I left their world that day and never looked back. I would break into the high-rolling world of business on my own terms, not from froth-slurping and humiliating acts. I would make it on my own terms. A briefcase in one hand, and a bottle of Pepsi in the other. I swapped coffee BJs for OJs that day, and I would prove that lemonade is mightier than the percolator.

Of course, this is just a dramatisation and may not have happened, but it's still a good story to tell. It usually stops people asking as well, in case I tell it again.

33 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I'm sorry if this makes you think less of me. This is something I was born with and cannot change. I hope you can find it in your heart to accept me.

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    2. I just don't understand what you dip your jammy dodgers in?!

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    3. I don't dip.

      Dun dun DUNNNNN!

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    4. Now THAT is freaky....not even bourbons into milk????

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    5. I dip swizzle sticks into sherbert, if that counts.

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  2. Yeah, I can imagine after that tome that people wouldn't ask again. Even if you just shortened it to say you were traumatized by a "coffee blowjob" I don't think people would bother you about it. Such is the burden of someone who does something slightly different, you represent an affront to our general lifestyle, so we must question the abnormality before coming to an understanding that works in our worldview. What about iced tea? See, even I can't resist. I apologize for making you answer for something you were born with.

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    1. Iced tea is a rare beast. As it is served chilled and quenches my thirst, I quite like it. I find it refreshing and cooling.

      My next post will just be a list of beverages along with a thumbs up or down.

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  3. I'm not a major fan of hot drinks, and I rarely ever use them as a pick me up, but I do enjoy the occasional tea or coffee. I do really love their iced variations though. If you don't like warm drinks then I suggest trying iced coffee.

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    1. Oh sweet love of the lord, I'm not a complete freak afterall! There are others out there! We shall band together and form an alliegence against the latte!

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  4. So that's a no for iced coffee?

    Admittedly, I don't really like warm coffee. Or strong coffee. But I like iced coffee that has milk, sugar, sweetener, creamer, etc, pretty much anything to dilute the flavor down to iced milk-flavored sugar water. Which, by the time I'm done with it, I'm pretty sure no longer counts as "coffee."

    Besides, who doesn't love a good coffee blowjob with a bit of cream at the end? *ba dum bum*

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    Replies
    1. That just sounds like radioactive milk, but who am I to judge? Welcome to Beverage Confessional, where your gravest drinking misdemeanours are always forgiven.

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  5. I feel like this is an attack on coffee drinkers, Mr. Addman! We will not sit idly by as you insult our way of life! We will take to the streets and stage mass protests! Well, after we've had our coffee, that is.

    But yeah, I'm more of an iced coffee drinker. In the states we have Dunkin' Donuts and Honey Dew. These establishments appear to be much less celebrated as a place of cultish worship. Starbucks, on the other hand...

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    1. Hmm, you Americans all seem to drink iced coffees. You folks are always light years ahead of us with these cultural trends. Tomorrow, I have a ten minute window in which I intend to learn what a "holla back girl" is.

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  6. Perhaps I should think up some sort of elaborate and awkward story for whenever someone criticizes my vegetarianism, though I don't think a story involving blow jobs and animals would go down too well, even if it's a total fabrication.

    I love my tea! Especially green tea. I don't drink that much coffee though c:

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    Replies
    1. I think such a story would just raise more questions than it answers, especially when PETA track you down. Although, I'd love to be a fly on the wall if you told that story to an office full of horrified onlookers.

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  7. God God man. It just gets worse and worse. First it's the Jammie Dodger and now you seem to have allowed all of your hatred for Coffee to spill over and include tea.
    Tea is a wonderful drink that can be enjoy hot, warm and cold. It comes with or without milk. Has many wonderful flavours including Monkey piss, tar and my favourite Pineapple and Mango.
    Seriously, Pineapple and Mango tea is a very refreshing drink... no no.. don't disagree with me - I AM RIGHT.

    You dislike for coffee is understandable but to mix up the issue and include tea makes no better than a common racist - A TEA RACIST!!!!

    I offer you one of my many MANY "looks"!!

    For shame sir,

    FOR.

    SHAME.!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    Replies
    1. please note the unharmonious errors in the above comment are due to my hands shaking from rage. in order please insert the letter R, the word YOU, and a couple of naughty swear words of your choice.

      thankyou.

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    2. Insult me as much as you like. I have been persecuted all my life for things that are beyond my control. Now I know how Hitler felt when they nailed him to that cross.

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  8. Being forced to give a coffee blowjob as a child is a traumatising experience. You are not alone. There is a Survivor of Childhood Coffee Trauma support group you can join to talk to other people who have gone through similar experiences. Stay strong.

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    1. Thanks Flippy. I shall join the group post haste!

      *signs up and ends up in a room listening to people who were forced into child labour, picking coffee beans in dangerous conditions*

      Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but when do we get to the REAL problems?

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  9. Ooo I will be back tomorrow ....... someone keeps nicked time...

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    1. nicking . . . . stupid keyboard

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    2. I would await your return with baited breath, but my breath just won't stay on this fishing hook. No matter, I'll just sit patiently instead.

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    3. I have returned and read in detail of your confession of not drinking hot drinks and I have to admit I do know of others who also do not drink hot drinks, but folk who 'Lift The Cold Cup' as we say in this part of the world are thin on the ground and are never seen hanging about in the dark shadows of Starbucks having an extra shot to keep them going....

      I don't drink coffee these days, but Tea and Hot Chocolate with mallows and cream are good with me. My problem is I like cream in my tea or evap milk and folk get all weird about that saying but its tea not coffee, I generally point out I also have about four spoonfuls of sugar (Brown Organic Sugar) and that sort of stops them in their tracks.

      So hang in there Mr Addman..... Maybe I will nickname you after that Steve McQueen chap and call you Cool Can Luke .... (warm) . . . . Ooooo I might just go and put the kettle on

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    4. I don't know if four spoonfuls of sugar is good for you, whether it's organic and brown or not. I suspect that you might be addicted to sugar, like me. Support groups just don't cater to the likes of us.

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  10. SO, you don't like the taste of coffee much but you might love iced coffee? I think you are confused still. lol! I think you would be great to live with though as I hate making tea/coffee for anyone else! lol

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    1. I should clarify, anyone but myself!

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    2. I don't know, all these people are suggesting iced coffee so I feel like I owe it to them to try it. Or at least be open to the possibility.

      Also, I have been complimented on my tea/coffee making skills, which is miraculous since I don't drink the stuff. I'm a bit like Beethoven, but rather than being a deaf musician, I'm a beverage maker with messed up tastebuds.

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    3. Wow! see perfect housemate...except of course for the jammie dodger thing...and the celebrity obsession thing...and the naked house party thing....;)

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    4. I have never had a naked house party...lately.

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