Zoo keepers are respectable men and women who look after animals with little to no regard for themselves. But who keeps the zoo keepers? Spotting a gap in the market, I decided this is something I should pursue, with tranquiliser darts and nets. Soon enough, I had amassed a modest collection of zoo keepers.
When they regained consciousness, the keepers didn’t seem too enamoured with their enclosure. I gave them plenty of fresh hay and a few tyres to swing on, and yet they kept rattling the bars and screaming for help. I couldn’t charge admission for this attraction, not when the keepers were aggressive to point of spitting at me whenever I walked past the enclosure. I was keen to cover the cage in airtight Perspex, but one of the keepers informed me that they would suffocate, and he should know, being an expert keeper and everything. Taking his professional advice, I decided against suffocation and opted to improve their enclosure to avoid spittle.
I found a few chew toys at my local Pets At Home store that I thought might keep the keepers entertained. Although the keepers didn’t take too kindly to these squeaky toys, they did stop spitting so much due to acute dehydration. With one problem solved, I opened my attraction to the public.
Attendance was slow to begin with. I don’t think the general populace quite understood the concept of zoo keeper keeping. So I decided to do what any zoo in trouble would do; breed my animals.
Luckily, I had captured a male and two females, so I didn’t think I’d have any problems. Lock people up together for long enough and they’ll soon start breeding. Just look at the prison system for proof. However, I didn’t have time to wait for nature to take its course. To try and speed things along a little bit, I spiked their drinking water with red wine, then played some romantic music into the enclosure. Everyone knows that Barry White is the lubricant of love, but I didn’t have any, so I decided to try a bit of Rammstein instead. It caused violent judders in my subjects, but not the kind of naked, mating judders that I was hoping for. It seemed that the zoo keepers weren’t going to mate successfully, so I would have to resort to drastic measures.
|These two look like a promising breeding pair|
After speaking to Beijing Zoo about their panda breeding programme, they told me that their success is mainly down to artificial insemination. I gave it a go, but found it to be incredibly difficult. Have you ever tried to extract semen from a zoo keeper? There was a lot of scratching, blood, and screaming, and I failed to get a single drop from the whole encounter. Unfortunately, the zoo keepers overpowered me when I entered the enclosure and escaped, and they locked me in here as they left. It’s not so bad actually. I’ve got my tyre swing and all the wine I can drink. Later, I think I might extract some semen. It’s not such a bad life in here.