tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27571641874746226702024-03-14T01:52:09.292+00:00Muppets For JusticeA comedy blog full of hilarious hijinks and sexy shenanigans. No refunds are available for this item.Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.comBlogger428125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-77746575887958229692014-12-05T14:28:00.001+00:002014-12-05T14:29:29.871+00:00Blog UpdateHello to all you loyal readers who have been repeatedly hitting F5 since last September. Adam here, you know, Addman. That guy who does the thing. Now you remember! I just wanted to let you know that I haven't given up on Blogging and that Calmer Chameleons is still on the way. Let it be known that Adam Lloyd is not a quitter! That's why I dropped out of rehab.<br />
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I didn't want to fill this space with unfunny life updates, but I feel that you fine folks deserve a few answers surrounding my mysterious absence. Basically, the design for Calmer Chameleons is done, but I haven't been able to conjure up any particularly good content to put on it. This is mainly due to life commitments that have grown exponentially, as I shall list in tedious detail here.<br />
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So I've moved to Manchester, or as Manchester University professor Brian Cox would call it, the city of D:reams. Upon arrival, the natives welcomed us in their traditional tribalistic fashion by stealing a laptop from the person who was helping us move. Apparently, it is an honour to be greeted in this manner.<br />
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While we've settled into Mancunian life in the weeks since, unfortunately, I've still been working 70 miles away, so there have been lots of commutes and nights away. There have also been lots of interviews to try and find work in Manchester (which, despite a number of jobs, they all seem to be taken by cabal of psychic job hunters before anyone has the opportunity to apply. Perhaps this down to a series of <a href="http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/uncles-are-destroying-social-mobility.html">uncles that have been blocking my social mobility</a>. Either way, after a couple of false starts, it looks like I'll finally be starting a new job closer to home over the next few weeks.<br />
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For most of my free time over the last few months, I've been hunting the deadliest game of all; employment. Some say that mankind is the deadliest game, but those people clearly haven't played Jumanji. However, The rest of my free time has been taken up with an entirely different occupation.<br />
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I've been playing at being a journalist. Namely, the laziest type of journalist of them all, the video games journalist. I started writing for an independent games website called <a href="http://powerupgaming.co.uk/">Power Up Gaming</a> back in August, and since then I have been made an <a href="http://powerupgaming.co.uk/aboutus.php">Associate Idiot-I mean Editor</a>. They even let me write my own biography, the fools! I've covered <a href="http://powerupgaming.co.uk/articles/256-interview-with-team-17">events</a>, conducted<a href="http://powerupgaming.co.uk/articles/360-the-old-city-leviathan-preview"> interviews</a>, and <a href="http://powerupgaming.co.uk/articles/190-child-of-light-review">committed</a> my <a href="http://powerupgaming.co.uk/articles/287-flockers-review">opinion </a>on more than <a href="http://powerupgaming.co.uk/articles/358-are-video-game-reviews-becoming-irrelevant">one occasion</a>. In the short span of time that I've been writing for them, the site has grown tremendously and now gets tens of thousands of hits every month. I contribute this success entirely to myself, and am planning to overthrow the website in a militaristic coup to take what is rightfully mine. You can support my endeavour by looking at the articles I've linked and sharing them appropriately.<br />
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So this is all well and good, but when will my triumphant return to Blogging commence? Well, I'm writing again, which is a decent start, and I expect to launch Calmer Chameleons in the new year. Monday the 5th of Jan looks like a good day, so let's go with that for now. Appropriate links will be posted here so that you can follow and fan my flagging ego with praise and adoration. Until then, stay slinky.Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-70515854947537773532014-09-01T12:00:00.000+01:002014-12-05T13:38:16.932+00:00We’re Going Through Changes<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Those of you with memories may remember a post that I made a few weeks
ago. I posted to say that Muppets For Justice would be going through some
dramatic changes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Muppets For Justice will no
longer be Muppets For Justice and Addman will no longer be Addman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Green will no longer be a colour on any
observable scale, and all human endeavours shall be rendered null and void on a
grander cosmic scale.</div>
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So yes, big changes are underfoot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This Blog will be having a full redesign and
the name is changing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After weeks of
speculation, I can now reveal the new name that I’ve settled on:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzbpI7nW63HKvR_r2J93I_BCtWns-J0lArPPFAn2leUF3tGTzs1mecou-pithawJmx6nfgffqXYi4D74z-RGapa5iIsAw7-2o3NX1zHP1iXEdnP3eRgV9Eqn7VVAPYUC3MMwnEEvARWyQ4/s1600/Chameleon(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzbpI7nW63HKvR_r2J93I_BCtWns-J0lArPPFAn2leUF3tGTzs1mecou-pithawJmx6nfgffqXYi4D74z-RGapa5iIsAw7-2o3NX1zHP1iXEdnP3eRgV9Eqn7VVAPYUC3MMwnEEvARWyQ4/s1600/Chameleon(1).jpg" height="144" width="320" /></a></div>
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Calmer Chameleons!</div>
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This name change is important for many reasons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Firstly, some of my early
MfJ postings were pointlessly furious and politically charged, which is something I wanted to distance myself from a little bit (hence the name Calmer).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Secondly, Chameleons are famous for changing colour, just like the
standalone, disconnected posts I intend to produce. Thirdly, and most
importantly, it is an amusing pun.</div>
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I will also be changing my name on my Blogger profile, so
don’t expect to see Addman appearing on your comments feeds anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The veil has finally been lifted on the world's worst kep secret, and I can
reveal my true identity:</div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5uszKrRMQCswOEqo7Ne9wFC576kFdQDqCTDMMIDJysMmYtJon44rByFczaeUKBGBP3jTdO5f9njl0OaqHxukUbg2Lw8Je5RBex1pWmbETRuRidL_tkXjp-QdZHCZTNUwp5dNxUovTXLzj/s1600/gurner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5uszKrRMQCswOEqo7Ne9wFC576kFdQDqCTDMMIDJysMmYtJon44rByFczaeUKBGBP3jTdO5f9njl0OaqHxukUbg2Lw8Je5RBex1pWmbETRuRidL_tkXjp-QdZHCZTNUwp5dNxUovTXLzj/s1600/gurner.jpg" /></a></div>
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Oops, sorry, I mean:</div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbvrOLNEGbMZHBUukeWyWqzbqw8-LouRi2K2vck1l-iRQWqM-FtbDIuEhKiEvN8QVjMQof1yCJzIRI6-CvkXZBEhjqC0Re4d81vCDttuQNXjg5XPaVLdOn6E-HCMZXNFCax_sVNq1pANnM/s1600/20131221_180134.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbvrOLNEGbMZHBUukeWyWqzbqw8-LouRi2K2vck1l-iRQWqM-FtbDIuEhKiEvN8QVjMQof1yCJzIRI6-CvkXZBEhjqC0Re4d81vCDttuQNXjg5XPaVLdOn6E-HCMZXNFCax_sVNq1pANnM/s1600/20131221_180134.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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Hello, my name is Adam and my hobbies include writing, hiking, watching
films, and drive bys on playa haters.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’m sure that you all feel much closer to me now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can you feel me near you, breathing in your
ear?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whispering the lyrics to your
favourite 80’s kids TV shows?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please
excuse the garlic.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
So when is all of this going to happen?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll be experimenting next week with the
design and trying to make Calmer Chameleons look acceptable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I intend to create a new Blog from
scratch which may or may not be on Blogger. Please bear with me while I tinker with the damn, dirty thing and I’ll let you know
as soon as I know.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Until then, things will be quiet around here until the new
Blog launches. I intend to launch by the end of September, possibly sooner, but this is subject to change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you're feeling a little lost without regular updates from me, feel free to browse the extensive
back catalogue of MfJ in the meantime, or perhaps you would like to enjoy this beautiful ballad about change:</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/A6i1ywioIm0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Thank you all for putting up with my crap and I look forward to seeing you all on
the other side. </div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-36366388360874628852014-08-29T12:00:00.001+01:002014-08-29T12:00:03.926+01:00The Scarab Beetle Challenge<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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“Thank you Carl for nominating me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I nominate Liz Harlow, Jamie T, and Graham!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good luck everyone!”</div>
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This was my first exposure to the scarab beetle
challenge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dave promptly plunged a
bucket full of clicking, hissing death onto himself, scattering scarab beetles
all over himself and his bathroom floor. As I watched the video of ravenous
insects burrowing their way into my best friend’s flesh, I couldn’t help but
wonder at the futility of it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure,
the challenge was raising awareness for people who have been eaten from the
inside out by scarab beetles, and it was raising money for charity, but I wasn’t
sure if this was the best way to highlight their plight.</div>
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Dave’s agonised panting faded away as the video cut to
black.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I clicked on a suggested video
which depicted another friend violently maiming themselves for a good cause. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As Gemma’s soft tissues were converted into
delicious homes for another family of hungry beetles, I still found the video
content shocking, but already the impact had been lessened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After witnessing another 5 of these videos, I
became desensitised to it completely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>People were being eaten alive in front of my glazed eyes, and yet I felt
totally numb to their pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the 6<sup>th</sup>
video I wasn’t sure why I was watching these voyeuristic torture films
anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YouTube’s suggestions had
already taken me far outside of my circle of friends, and I found myself
watching unknown randoms performing the challenge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The videos started to blur into one cacophony
of human misery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I idly clicked the next
link and waited for the content to finish buffering.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“Hi, I’m Ramon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Today I will be doing the scarab challenge on behalf of cancer research!”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Wait, that’s not in the rules.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought the point was to raise money and awareness for people
injured by scarab beetles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was appalled
that someone dared to hijack this good cause on behalf of another charity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, cancer already has a lot of charities
devoted to it, but there is not enough done to aid the historians who find
themselves the victims of flesh-eating booby traps in dusty Egyptian tombs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a beetle burrowed noisily into Ramon’s
brain, I clicked the video away out of disgust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That charlatan wouldn’t be getting any more Internet traffic from me!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWZsSqwVYgGQ0iaWuk6WGE_u5XlRO72AomnbjPZf6sVfJlTpO1daXaVeXtCUTFa-XlZH7BNQngiHXV9eUkwZb0UOMK-LfCxq72C4nb9jRY8RqmcwdHGK0MKfvIFMeXdJdfqkXAmw75JZ2a/s1600/scarab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWZsSqwVYgGQ0iaWuk6WGE_u5XlRO72AomnbjPZf6sVfJlTpO1daXaVeXtCUTFa-XlZH7BNQngiHXV9eUkwZb0UOMK-LfCxq72C4nb9jRY8RqmcwdHGK0MKfvIFMeXdJdfqkXAmw75JZ2a/s1600/scarab.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
At that point I received an alert to say that I had been
tagged in a video online.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I clicked the
alert and was greeted by an image of my own sister holding a familiar bucket.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“Not you too…” I muttered out loud. I pressed play and prayed that it was a joke.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“Hello everyone!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Today I’m doing the scarab beetle challenge on behalf of people with Parkinsons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I nominate Cheryl, Jimmy, and my brother,
Kyle!”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This had to be a joke.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Once the screaming had subsided and the sounds of a
paramedic rushing to the scene finished the video, I sat in stunned silence for
a few seconds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been
nominated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone in my circle would
be expecting a video of me, covered in a man-devouring swarm of insects, to be
uploaded within the next 24 hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My survival instinct said no, but my overwhelming desire
to be accepted by my peers said that I had to do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My life wouldn’t be worth living if I didn’t
do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People would spit on me in the
street more so than usual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t
have my friends and family believe that I was an uncharitable sort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The money that it could raise could save
someone’s life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I briefly considered
making a video of me just giving some money to charity, be that would be “unsporting”
and “not in the spirit”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could hear
their mockery already, plying on a peer pressure that I hadn’t felt since my
friends dared me to piss off of a bridge in primary school.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My fate was already sealed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went outside and inflated the paddling
pool, then promptly purchased an order of beetles from Amazon on next day
delivery.</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-74148529455352911792014-08-25T12:00:00.001+01:002014-08-25T12:00:00.179+01:00Memes With Glaxxor The Space Lizard<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Greetings mammals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This being is sometimes known as the space cowboy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This being is sometimes known as the gangster
of love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, since being exiled to
this putrid terrestrial world, this being is often known as Glaxxor The Space
Lizard.</div>
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In order to prepare humanity for assimilation into our
species, this being has been studying human media and deciding upon a conquest
strategy that will save as many <s>egg sacks</s> human lives as possible. To
win over the human body, this being has realised that the inferior human mind
must first be courted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And what terrible
distractions does the human mind enjoy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After studying the electronic archive of all Earthly endeavour (known as
“Teh Internets”), it is obvious that humans enjoy “memes”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is why this being has created some epic
winnings with which to cure the human condition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please enjoy these unsophisticated tropes:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjja_Upfv0TD8xIGCGXmFgeChw59LeuRmpFjA8N1_dgH9pIsRbtKkFsgJjiTR6YZ8s1IHBL7rDlZj6f6dA32Wm7xZrhHSh8zNskyRcsD-lnQQqdXrhVK67axAI95_a0SlhSd4rDSQBuW-Z1/s1600/dm1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjja_Upfv0TD8xIGCGXmFgeChw59LeuRmpFjA8N1_dgH9pIsRbtKkFsgJjiTR6YZ8s1IHBL7rDlZj6f6dA32Wm7xZrhHSh8zNskyRcsD-lnQQqdXrhVK67axAI95_a0SlhSd4rDSQBuW-Z1/s1600/dm1.jpg" height="244" width="320" /></a></div>
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Hahahaha!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mister
Bandana is known for his thought-provoking advice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stomach cavities are the ideal place to
nurture your parasitic offspring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
two concepts merge to produce laughable results that will endear your entire
species to the concept of becoming walking nurseries for our young.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hahahaha!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP48KXojgM7y7uClJG7XjmeGu2KxOcaocECjU4ibRIyHlcpMK3yt3QiroScv01mT5duBgCex5Y0676lWLuYojaaqBGg9p6e9bgtIDPy3axIc3F0f9yoJV-sfTBjPxKoZlp2ZR909PQkprK/s1600/dm2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP48KXojgM7y7uClJG7XjmeGu2KxOcaocECjU4ibRIyHlcpMK3yt3QiroScv01mT5duBgCex5Y0676lWLuYojaaqBGg9p6e9bgtIDPy3axIc3F0f9yoJV-sfTBjPxKoZlp2ZR909PQkprK/s1600/dm2.jpg" height="244" width="320" /></a></div>
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It seems that humans love being caught in the middle of
sexual procreation by cats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cats in
ceilings watch humans spilling seminal fluid with hilarious results.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about the comedic potential of a REAL
sexy lady watching?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look at the frills
on that!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While making this image, this
being shed at least three layers of skin uncontrollably.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Powerfully erotic.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNaXIYEN-i5o_bQpkh_NDcVdXww_cfRGWOOlpnpv488mXzo7pUVDp1tPKPOcLEQ5L5aUuxTxTAeaOKaDlf_jJxqgSe98Ux7SiTcyA8nLPOXCSt2h8IeDdlnf2pm_NWL_dm4FX6ZFi3IQTU/s1600/dm3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNaXIYEN-i5o_bQpkh_NDcVdXww_cfRGWOOlpnpv488mXzo7pUVDp1tPKPOcLEQ5L5aUuxTxTAeaOKaDlf_jJxqgSe98Ux7SiTcyA8nLPOXCSt2h8IeDdlnf2pm_NWL_dm4FX6ZFi3IQTU/s1600/dm3.jpg" height="244" width="320" /></a></div>
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Overfed felines are no laughing matter, yet humans cover
their Internets with pictures of their fat cats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This being wonders why humans like to laugh at gratuitous pictures of
tasty sub-creatures, but hopes that you will enjoy witnessing this appetising
delight.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwSbeS-L6s8cKcjv1RLkuzEn3zmNV0lVTBr6ugmbF5iMdbt8wsx9dVqX6Kc20XiY4oSw3rumcC9OVXSHgFQK4Rr7vwpTu2szBpGbT264zH357dAJdGdHFk6ajZ76grr8PG2L4wzK_UxnC6/s1600/dm4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwSbeS-L6s8cKcjv1RLkuzEn3zmNV0lVTBr6ugmbF5iMdbt8wsx9dVqX6Kc20XiY4oSw3rumcC9OVXSHgFQK4Rr7vwpTu2szBpGbT264zH357dAJdGdHFk6ajZ76grr8PG2L4wzK_UxnC6/s1600/dm4.jpg" height="244" width="320" /></a></div>
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Humans enjoy sending each other the gyrations of Mr
Richard Rolls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, this being felt
that Richard’s lyrics needed a little touching up in order to make grammatical
sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please enjoy this reworking of a
poorly conceived popular song.</div>
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Now that the memes have been dispatched, this being
believes that the links between our races have become stronger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now if you would kindly sit still the next
time I extend my ovipositor into your belly button, this being will ensure that
our species become closer than you could possibly imagine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Toodle ciao!</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-31392433842147894162014-08-22T12:00:00.000+01:002014-08-22T12:00:00.706+01:00Rise Of The Planet Of Emotions<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->Emotions are nasty things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People who express their emotions in a public
fashion always make me feel rather uncomfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There’s something disturbing about that lack of self-awareness that leads
someone to scream and cry in a public place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Why would you leave yourself open and exposed in such a fashion and
invite complete strangers to judge you as such?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s something I’ll just never understand.<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It seems that I am in the minority.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through my casual observations, it seems that
the planet is descending into an emotional quagmire where everyone believes
that their opinions and feelings are the only ones that matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just turn on the TV and you’ll see people
crying their eyes out on X Factor, getting teary eyed while being interviewed
about petrol prices on the news, or even shedding a tear of joy when winning
£200 on Catchphrase.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously, I saw an
episode of Catchphrase where the contestant screamed and started flapping her
hands near her eyes like she was battling a swarm of killer bees, all because
she got one question right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Roy Walker
wouldn’t have stood for that shit.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It’s not just on TV that people are getting emotional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Facebook arguments are becoming battles of life-changing significance. These tend to spill over to the real world. It is far from uncommon to hear people discussing Facebook comments as though they are nuclear proliferation agreements, and how many feelings have been hurt. Sometimes a front is put up with the prefix "I'm not bothered, but...", which then descends into a long diatribe which betrays them and reveals that they are in fact, incredibly bothered. This is the problem with written communication. It's difficult to discern sarcasm or tone, and quite often a harmless joke can seem hurtful to the easily offended. That's why arguments over social media explode over seemingly trivial matters, such as my "threats" to "mercilessly slaughter" people who post Keep Calm images.</span><br />
<br />
In real life, it is becoming increasingly
common to see couples having bitter breakups in the street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Arguments with shop assistants and doctor’s
receptionists seem to be a normal part of everyday life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our hospitals and public transport systems are full of posters asking people not to attack their staff. So why are we so emotionally charged these
days?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1bY1XbDC3lGm2qp57-QFt-HRIdHG9AJVQZbyb5HTlQ9fWV8zlOPGthiJz8xszkwLAqwiFTa9O7w82HDvUDN-iHxqAJM9D3FZW-CyyHkOkL4rQ4smfCnz5aX86uOhjC6YMpbaB2zLpjQLF/s1600/crying.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1bY1XbDC3lGm2qp57-QFt-HRIdHG9AJVQZbyb5HTlQ9fWV8zlOPGthiJz8xszkwLAqwiFTa9O7w82HDvUDN-iHxqAJM9D3FZW-CyyHkOkL4rQ4smfCnz5aX86uOhjC6YMpbaB2zLpjQLF/s1600/crying.jpg" height="179" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">X Factor: The world's most emotional karaoke jam</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Some would say that our fat, greedy lifestyle of entitlement
and throwaway consumerism is a big part of the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re probably right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a world of convenience, smaller things
begin to matter a whole lot more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
wouldn’t have cared about the smack talk that Sally posted on Facebook if you
had to churn butter for 18 hours a day in order to eke out an existence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps this is the trade-off that human
society has had to make.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve swapped
sabre-toothed tigers for iPhones.
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
However, I still can’t stand this overflow of emotion
that we’re currently seeing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure we
can all agree that it’s vulgar and disgusting, and that makes me angry!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The emotions are spreading all over me and making feel things!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just not proper.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
That’s why I’m proposing a fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Similar to Ramadan, how about we have 1 month
a year where everyone has to give up being emotional in public?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If people want to speak in a robotic voice
while doing so, or perhaps even dress up like robots, then that’s fine with
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why not make it a whole month where
we pretend to be robots?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our metallic
cousins have got the right idea and we should strive to be more like them. Beep boop. Communication terminated.<br />
<br />
#######<br />
<br />
In other news, I have landed a regular writing gig over at <a href="http://powerupgaming.co.uk/">Power Up Gaming</a>! This week my <a href="http://powerupgaming.co.uk/articles/157-fez-review">Review of Fez</a> has been posted, along with a retro review of <a href="http://powerupgaming.co.uk/articles/158-let-s-replay-revolution-x">Revolution X</a>. So if you have any interest in that sort of thing, I'd encourage you to read it. If you have a Disqus account (I know a lot of you do), feel free to leave a comment at the bottom. Support the site too. It's a fantastic up and coming site with a great team of writers and interesting opinion pieces. Thanks for reading.</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-41890008977056743252014-08-18T12:00:00.000+01:002014-08-18T12:00:00.621+01:00The American’s Guide To British Swearing<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
On the 4<sup>th</sup> of July, every American celebrates
their independence from their British oppressors by blowing up large chunks of
their country with high-grade explosives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sure, independence came with some measly benefits such as centuries of
freedom and prosperity, but is that really such a good thing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since you’ve been gone, us British folks developed a
whole complex lexicon with which to insult each other with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You defectors are really missing out.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
However, being the benevolent master that I am, I’ve
decided to produce a quick guide to try and bridge the gap between us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think of this as a cultural exchange program;
by the end of which you’ll be begging to be part of the empire once more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allow me to enlighten you in the art of Great
British swearing:</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Wanker</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Acceptable Uses:</b></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i>“That wanker just nicked 10 quid”; “Joe is a massive wankstain”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Wanker and Wank are very versatile words that can be thrown around
in almost any circumstance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a
swift, sharp sounding word which can be used endearingly, or if spoken with
enough venom, can produce a weighty insult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The word “Wankered” is also a suitable term to describe a person’s state
of inebriation, as in the phrase “I’m going to go and get absolutely wankered
tonight”.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Tosser</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Acceptable Uses:</b></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b> </b></span><i> </i></span><i>“Don’t
be such a tosser”; “Joe’s been tossing off into the septic tank again”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Tosser is a lighter version of Wanker and, as such,
should only be used in jest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If used
with vitriol, this swear word doesn’t have the required impact and can backfire
on the user in most social situations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take
caution with this word and only use with close friends.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Twat</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Acceptable Uses:</b></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <i>
</i></span><i>“That skirt’s so short you can almost see her twat”; “Joe’s new hat
makes him look like a massive twat”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Twat is another multi-use word with several different
meanings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First of all, a twat can be an
unaffectionate name for a woman’s vagina.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Secondly, a person can be accused of acting like a twat if he or she is
deemed to be behaving in a negative manner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thirdly, if a person is acting like a twat, you are fully entitled to
twat them, aka violently assault them with clenched fist.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Minge</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Acceptable Uses:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <i>
</i></span></b></span><i>“I bet she has a ginger minge”; “Joe is such a minge bag”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Another derisory term for a lady garden, minge is a very
particular word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Minge is an
all-encompassing word which describes the internal and external parts of the
vagina.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have once heard the term “minge
bag” used, but it’s effectiveness as an insult was not fully diagnosed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is a minge bag?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do you get them into a bag?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of bag is up to the challenge?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Minger</b></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Acceptable Uses:</b></span> <i>“That meal was well minging”; “All the
girls think that Joe is a minger”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Minger as a concept enjoyed brief popularity in the early
noughties thanks to the success of mingers.com.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The word quickly died out, but the term “minging” soon sprung up as an
adjective to describe something that is an affront to the senses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, food from Little Chef should always
be described as minging.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Knobhead</b></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Acceptable Uses: </b></span> <i>"Joe is a massive fucking knobhead"; "A knobhead is Joe"</i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Taken literally, this can either mean a person who has a
penis on their head, or a person who exhibits the same characteristics as the
helmet of a circumcised phallus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Although the exact definition varies from place to place, the insult is
used in a similar way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A knobhead is basically
an idiot.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Shite</b></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Acceptable Uses:</b></span><i> “Let me in, I’m busting for a shite”;
“Joe is an utterly useless sack of shite”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Shite is just a dirtier way of saying shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has all of the same application as the
word shit, but rhymes with night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feel
free to throw it into a conversation for a little bit of variety.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Bloody</b></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Acceptable Uses:</b></span> <i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Bloody hell fire”; “Joe can bloody well piss
off”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
A northern curse used in cases of mild or extreme anger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the north of England, it is a common sight
to see someone stub their toe and exclaim “bloody hell”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a delightful little swear word that most
children graduate to before they learn their first fuck.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Bugger</b></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Acceptable Uses:</b></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b> </b></span>
</span><i>“Bugger my arse”; “Bugger off Joe, no one likes you”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Bugger is an odd word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is usually delivered in a friendly, jovial circumstance, and is often
used by adults towards children who are undergoing mischief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s common for a parent to say “you cheeky
bugger” if a child does something rude or silly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, buggery is also a term for anal
sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Quite how this word has become
acceptable to say in front of kids is rather baffling.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Bawbag</b></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Acceptable Uses:</b></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b> </b></span><i> </i></span><i>”Joe’s
wee bawbag is showing”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
One from our Scottish cousins, bawbag is basically what
it sounds like (bawbag=ballbag=scrotum).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be used as an insult or, as I learned
during a trip to Edinburgh zoo, can also refer to male underwear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a lovely word that everyone should use.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This is just a small sample of what you’re missing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For more information, feel free to submit to
the will of our great nation, and we will consider your request.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have any questions about anything I’ve
written, just send a letter to the Queen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She’s sure to pass it on when everyone in England goes to Buckingham
Palace together for Sunday lunch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tally
bye!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
P.S. If you see Joe, tell him he owes me a tenner. </div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-9929739887410230402014-08-15T12:00:00.000+01:002014-08-15T12:05:07.197+01:00Thank You For Calling 999<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
-Hello, and welcome to 999, the number one destination
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</span>Please select the type of emergency service you require.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Press 1 for the police, 2 for an ambulance, 3
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>*Hold music: Blue Oyster Cult – Don’t Fear The Reaper*</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
-Thank you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>*Hold music: Elton John & Kiki Dee – Don’t Go
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-38483059477507039152014-08-11T12:00:00.000+01:002014-08-11T12:00:00.463+01:00Happy House Hunting<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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One of the questions that I sadly never get asked is “are
you available to photograph the women’s topless pogo championship?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The answer to which is an emphatic yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s always yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another question which sadly fails to crop up in natural conversation
is “what advice do you have on finding the perfect property?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, I am a professional house hunter. I used to be a regular hunter, but had to give that up after a particularly nasty snail bite got infected. I have transitioned from hunting wolverines in the wild to the
white-collar world of real estate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
may sound like an odd career change, but the worlds of real estate and
slaughtering defenseless animals aren’t as exclusive as they may first
appear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here are my top tips for
securing your perfect home.</div>
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<br /></div>
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1)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Preparation is
important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you go house hunting,
always make sure that you are prepared for any eventuality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always carry a hunting knife strapped to your
shin in case you need to cut through a piece of skirting board and inspect for
asbestos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> They are also great for negotiating with. </span>Make sure you have a torch
handy for exploring the dark crevasses of the property’s foundations, or to
inspect the attic for any tasty mice or bats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A camping stove can help you in case you accidentally get locked inside
the property due to a faulty lock, and can also be used to test out smoke
alarms.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
2)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make sure that
you understand the area.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are the
schools like nearby?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are there decent
links into the city centre?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of
game am I likely to spot over at the watering hole?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When does mating season generally begin?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of these questions will help you get a
picture of your surroundings and what to expect when you move in. Your
estate agent should be happy to supply this information.</div>
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<br /></div>
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3)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always choose a
house with at least two storeys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their
height can offer a significant vantage point from the roof.</div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinE2GVgIFF2Y6PRDQqTv4ZsWqPkFlQLhtSlv5wv_9r4IjdwyW6AlNrFIJkS1ZRjFhht2FoALHJms4I0spq4lMwTaj3LmKrnfBvKgQr9sEcDyckJbxzE7fJTsAQ36ipOAXlp8LviDexF1p1/s1600/Elmer_fudd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinE2GVgIFF2Y6PRDQqTv4ZsWqPkFlQLhtSlv5wv_9r4IjdwyW6AlNrFIJkS1ZRjFhht2FoALHJms4I0spq4lMwTaj3LmKrnfBvKgQr9sEcDyckJbxzE7fJTsAQ36ipOAXlp8LviDexF1p1/s1600/Elmer_fudd.jpg" height="320" width="250" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm hunting two bed semi detached properties with jack and jill bathrooms, be vewy vewy qwiet.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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4)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it comes
to putting an offer in on a property, you have to wait for the opportune moment
before you strike.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Picture the
situation; you have a house in your sights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The house is unaware of your presence and sips nonchalantly from a small
spring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You need to close in quietly to
get a better shot and take this sucker down, but if you move too quickly you
will startle it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So you creep closer,
keeping your feet close to the ground and trying to keep a low centre of
gravity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You tread too heavily and the dry
grass rustles underfoot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The house looks
up with alarm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your heart is in your
mouth, pounding away, betraying your position with its rhythmic thrusting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You pause, hoping to God that it hasn’t
spotted you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The house glances around,
but cannot see any danger, so returns to the refreshing pond.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mopping a bead of sweat from your brow you
begin your approach once more, trying to stay out of sight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, as you glance right, you notice some
other house hunters in the grass around, all approaching the same target.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of them fires too early, misses the
target completely, and sends it running for its life across the Serengeti. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another hunter takes a shot and strikes a hit,
but the shot wasn’t clean and the house is only wounded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now the house is limping and starting to
bleed out. This is opportune moment for you to put in an offer of £525 PCM
with only one month’s rent deposit!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bargain!</div>
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<br /></div>
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5)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you want to
sell or rent your property to others, make sure you lay snares all over the
front lawn to snag those potential buyers.</div>
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Follow these tips and you’ll be crowned king of the real
estate market in no time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At that point,
you’ll have to fight me, the current real estate king, for mating rights and
territory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good luck with that!</div>
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Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-30826101554140512882014-08-08T12:00:00.001+01:002014-08-08T12:11:16.521+01:00The Chupacabra Defence Plan<div>
Everyone and their dog has a plan of action in case the long-awaited
zombie apocalypse comes to fruition. It seems that everywhere you turn,
people are discussing which supermarkets they'd raid first, what's the
best weapon for caving in a zombie's skull, and who they would eat
first if they were to turn to the undead side. They discuss this with relish (because
human flesh isn't too tasty on it's own), which probably says a lot
about our charmed, moddy-coddled lives that we fantasize about the
collapse of modern society as if it's an exciting event.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
However,
while all these chumps are making plans against an invasion which will
never occur, I'm busy preparing myself for a much more pertinent threat.
I am preparing for the chupacabra invasion.<br />
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<br /></div>
Now I know
what you're thinking. You're thinking "but Addman, your witty and
incredible Blog only serves to compliment your rugged good looks, and I'd like to
donate £100 to you". Well, that's gratefully received, if slightly off
topic, but you should also be concerned about chupacabras. These
goat-sucking beasts of legend may only terrorise Mexican farmers right now, but my
own research suggests that chupacabras may become the next big threat
to humanity.</div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr6bprJYIqgFWfaR0gqdF8iXOz327VkF-zxC7IAD1jaClF4sw-J5xvuvOOvjUV-P-kFxuGolF-3XTrWPRQbpyCow7O9a1S_pmK9A_hRThSPz_uZ6gAwmdtd3OWN9jsXYgo09Lqypme4NsK/s1600/chupa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr6bprJYIqgFWfaR0gqdF8iXOz327VkF-zxC7IAD1jaClF4sw-J5xvuvOOvjUV-P-kFxuGolF-3XTrWPRQbpyCow7O9a1S_pmK9A_hRThSPz_uZ6gAwmdtd3OWN9jsXYgo09Lqypme4NsK/s1600/chupa.jpg" height="320" width="189" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I vant to suck your goats</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
As it stands, we all know that chupacabras
only attack goats. This has given me a terrible fear of goats themselves, since
chupacabras may be near them at any given time. This thought has lead me
to run screaming from my local petting zoo on more than one occasion. I
haven't been able to play <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goat_Simulator">Goat Simulator</a> in case there's a chupacabra
in it. As terrifying as all that is, what happens when these chupacabras fancy a change in their
diet?<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
The more goats they eat, the stronger they will
become. Soon enough, a single goat will not be enough to fill a
chupacabra anymore, so they will turn their sights to the deadliest game
on the planet, giant gorillas. If they can take on a giant gorilla, then a
human being will likely be a light snack in comparison.<br />
<br />
Not only that, but chupacabra sightings seem to have dramatically risen since I started to look for them. Before I was aware of the chupacabra menace, I barely ever heard about chupacabras. Then when I wised up and began searching for them online, I came across hundreds of chupacabra stories, which suggests that chupacabras are on the march. Their activities are becoming more lively, and they are visiting more and more mentally disturbed people. A sure sign that the chupacabra apocalypse is nigh. <br />
<div>
<br /></div>
This
is why I am currently fortifying my home. I don't want to panic
my girlfriend, so I've been trying to fortify the living room with soft furnishings such
as drapes and cushions, which she seems rather pleased about. I will
replace these with titanium struts and girders next time she goes to
visit her mother, then bolt myself inside. Anyone who doesn't take the
chupacabra threat seriously will be the first to be eaten when their
ravenous eye turns towards the nutritional value of mankind. I'm not
taking that chance, and neither should you. Take steps now and avoid the
great feast that is nigh!</div>
<br />Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-75262727149442609192014-08-04T12:00:00.000+01:002014-08-04T12:48:45.178+01:00You Were Always On My Timeline<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As a master of the literary arts, there’s much more to my
repertoire than the humorous penis jokes that I usually post here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, deep down I am a very delicate and
complex soul, like a rickety, antique clothes mangle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may surprise you to learn that I am
actually something of a poet.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
That’s right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My life’s
motto has always been “prose before hoes”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>On any given day, you are likely to find me sitting under a tree next to
a river, pondering the subtleties and subtexts of my latest creations, and definitely
not peeing in the river.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I forged my
craft at amateur poetry readings, made iambic pentameter my bitch, and honed my
poetry skills in the fires of public readings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here is my
latest effort; a commentary about our 21<sup>st</sup> century online romances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s called You Were Always On My
Timeline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please enjoy.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFnfoaPLfOn2qYSpGUg2MJmrGdeZ4AQghoWAZgAZXGDNg24fcrWH7Ue_Sf9E8zh9GSSsp14ugibb0HP2q4d_A4Z-VYREDgVotvYhct9exrpL75LngWPXkGwuNQBtawVRpZL6yqcjicarAZ/s1600/PSB.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFnfoaPLfOn2qYSpGUg2MJmrGdeZ4AQghoWAZgAZXGDNg24fcrWH7Ue_Sf9E8zh9GSSsp14ugibb0HP2q4d_A4Z-VYREDgVotvYhct9exrpL75LngWPXkGwuNQBtawVRpZL6yqcjicarAZ/s1600/PSB.jpg" height="192" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These people have in no way influenced my poetry, just so you know.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Maybe I didn't tweet you<br />
Quite as much as I should have<br />
Maybe I didn't poke you<br />
Quite as often as I could have<br />
Little things I should have fav’ed and shared<br />
I never took the time<br />
You were always on my timeline<br />
You were always on my timeline<br />
<br />
Maybe I didn't invite you<br />
All those Candy Crushing times<br />
And I guess I never told you<br />
I'm happy when you're online<br />
My status you had to second guess<br />
I'm so sorry I was blind<br />
You were always on my timeline<br />
You were always on my timeline<br />
<br />
Tell me, tell me Google Plus will never die<br />
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied<br />
<br />
<br />
Little things I should have fav’ed and shared<br />
I never took the time<br />
You were always on my timeline<br />
You were always on my timeline<br />
<br />
You were always on my timeline it's true<br />
I never followed anyone else but you<br />
You were on my mind and in my circle<br />
I barely social networked but you<br />
You were always<br />
I tried so hard I thought you knew<br />
My love I’d tag myself for you<br />
I’ll give up work to have the time<br />
And I guess you couldn't read my mind<br />
You were always<br />
<br />
You were always on my timeline<br />
You were always on my timeline</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't then you obviously don't appreciate good poetry that in no way infringes on copyrighted materials from a certain 80's/90's synth-pop duo. That, my friends is your problem, not mine.</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-84378810307194122972014-08-01T12:00:00.000+01:002014-08-01T12:00:00.878+01:00Muck Tales<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
When I look back at my short yet utterly worthless life,
many of the worst things that have ever happened to me have occurred in the
toilet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please understand that these
events are not through any actions of my own, but through the negligence and
inconsistency of others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The main story
I wish to share with you (the others are far too traumatic to divulge), is that
the case of The Phantom Pooer.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The Phantom Pooer is one of those urban legends, like
Cropsey or Slenderman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is an entity
that can enter a bathroom stall and achieve the kind of supernatural feats that
simply could not physically be performed by a human.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All cultures seem to have their own versions
of this, such as El Poopacabra in Latin America, or known as Lavatore by the
Italians, it seems that every corner of the globe has been peddle dashed by
this poo felon at some point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have had
several run-ins with this waste vigilante in the past, many of which have left
me wishing for a shower in sulphuric acid.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The most recent poo crime scene I witnessed occurred at
the cinema.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Entering any bathroom is
always a daunting prospect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will the
toilets be clean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will anyone try and
look at my doodle?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What type of air
freshener will they be using, if any?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>These are all troublesome thoughts upon entry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, my worries were compounded when I
saw someone running out of there holding his nose and gagging audibly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without an alternative toilet solution I
ventured in anyway, assuming that the previous visitor must have had a weak
stomach.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKgzO-AbG1tlsPDaJ5M6_2llVsA04KuQNur-7ffreDkTwihDjxkjHeAP4Z1_doKOPrT0c_LELMfnNdvmn_vua0B4eMQx_8e59qKq6PEV3QQMdfGp4XyGvMLoCC2FlO6qhF4p3CrIUyW8C5/s1600/toilet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKgzO-AbG1tlsPDaJ5M6_2llVsA04KuQNur-7ffreDkTwihDjxkjHeAP4Z1_doKOPrT0c_LELMfnNdvmn_vua0B4eMQx_8e59qKq6PEV3QQMdfGp4XyGvMLoCC2FlO6qhF4p3CrIUyW8C5/s1600/toilet.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The toilet: The most used image on Muppets For Justice</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I was dead wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A scene that can only be described as a turd autopsy had occurred in one
of the two bathroom stalls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
predominantly brown Jackson Pollack replica was primarily composed on the back
of the toilet seat, but had managed to make its way all around the back wall
and across the cubicle sides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seemed
that very little had actually reached its destination in the toilet bowl
(hopefully, that was the intended target).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As a little garnish, a solitary sheet of toilet paper was stuck proudly
to the rim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t decide if this
little flourish was a calling card, or if the perpetrator had attempted to
clean it up before saying “fuck this” and running away from his futile duty.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I know I’m not the only person who has experienced such scenes
of bowel-tensing terror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At my previous
job there was talk a mysterious pooer who regularly left neat little curlings
on the rim of the seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was this person
trying to get back the company?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, as I
suspect, is it a creature yet uncategorised by science with an agenda beyond
our comprehension that is leaving these puzzling poops?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps this is our first contact with alien
life, and this is how they communicate.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I believe it’s time for an international enquiry into these
phenomena.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have you ever stumbled upon a
poo crime scene?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was the perpetrator
ever caught?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Together we can wipe out
this menace with the 2-ply of justice.</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-63310170117546310502014-07-28T12:00:00.000+01:002014-07-28T13:09:13.009+01:00A Few Pointers On Your Fanfiction<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Dear SonicGurl92,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As a purveyor of the Internet’s filthiest fanfiction, I
felt compelled to write to you after reading your incredibly heartfelt
Sonic/Transformers slash fic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While your
words moved me in my many special places, I feel that you could use a little
guidance on how to improve your erotic writing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Your raw talent will blossom if you observe the following points:</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
1)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sonic would
never put a chilli dog up his own anus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You need to think about the character’s motivations more often, as everyone
knows that Sonic is a giver rather than a receiver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His go-getting attitude and positive outlook
would make him a person who is willing to do things to others rather than debase himself in such a manner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about characterisation more and I’m
sure your writing will become much more involved and informed. On that same point, he wouldn't let his enemies take over the Green Hill Zone in exchange for "getting bummed in the gob".<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYcjbRP_49nh9H68hSfXW_-0CVkIE5LGNs16Rw0rIY1gbYHLekZ5gAwu6NjLZXYHj-2Sl9tvcpI9gBmYAHTFVtJZM6zywnUFKB17M4v7Y-UTPA1CgJ3etAAmhQ8oOAvtbzZR1iMt6MQCh8/s1600/sonic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYcjbRP_49nh9H68hSfXW_-0CVkIE5LGNs16Rw0rIY1gbYHLekZ5gAwu6NjLZXYHj-2Sl9tvcpI9gBmYAHTFVtJZM6zywnUFKB17M4v7Y-UTPA1CgJ3etAAmhQ8oOAvtbzZR1iMt6MQCh8/s1600/sonic.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My fanfic writing costume</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
2)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The part where
Scooby Doo was getting done over by Captain America was really hot, but it really
could have used a bit more description.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t be afraid to elaborate on the small details.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You could have mentioned how the tag on
Scooby’s collar was bouncing in time to the rhythmic thrusts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a neat little touch that really improves
the realism of the story and helps people to imagine it in vivid detail.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
3)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The phrase “Cured
Beef” is not very sexy and is a very confusing opening gambit when describing a
robot’s rectal passage.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
4)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really liked
it when they visited Megatron’s family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was an interesting interlude before the main orgy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, why did the autobots start eating
cake?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> They don't even have digestive tracts. </span>You need to think these things
through.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
5)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You could have
really used a subplot or two to try and prolong the story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really enjoyed the 248,000 words that you
had already written, but as a fanfic fan, I don’t like to settle for a light
read.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t usually read a fanfic that
is less than 300,000 words as a rule and I know many members of this community
are even more demanding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps next
time you could throw in a few more crossovers such as The Raccoons, or those
cute little monsters from Trap Door.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
6)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The part where E.T.
tried to give Tails a reach around is completely ludicrous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my own fanfiction titled "The Fabric Of
Spaceghost’s Pants", I firmly established that E.T. is an asexual being who
wanders the universe and gives pleasure to others with his magic finger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re going to use my characters at least
follow the established lore behind them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t mind a bit of artistic license but this is taking the piss!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
7)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The bit where Knuckles
turned super was a bit stupid since he didn’t even have all of the chaos emeralds.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
8)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While your
writing is pretty decent, those horrible MSpaints were truly appalling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t mind seeing Bumblebee getting dinged
up by a superfast hedgehog, but the poor image compression makes the action look like
it has been censored out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re
going to illustrate, I want to be able to see everything in glorious HD.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I know some of this might seem picky, but I truly believe
that you will become a greater writer if you follow my advice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you would like some further tuition, my
rates are extremely unreasonable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hope
this helps!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
~ETPhoneBoner</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-45043432496680715632014-07-25T12:00:00.000+01:002014-07-25T12:43:54.032+01:00Please Respect My Buttless Chaps<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The relentless sniggering behind my back is one thing,
but the fact that I am being persecuted for my cultural heritage is outright despicable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t even venture out to the corner shop
without someone throwing stones at me, or people telling me that I’m “offensive”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Occasionally the police are called, who then
insist on draping towels around my waist and escorting me home in the name of
public decency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of this is because people can’t
accept my buttless leather chaps.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I will not stand for this any longer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have a problem with the way I dress,
then you are disrespecting my cultural heritage, pure and simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I come from a long line of buttless chap
wearers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My great, great, great,
grandfather Wilfred used to rustle up some cattle in a pair of the ol’ breezy’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before that, my distant buttless uncle Peter
was part of the French resistance, and you’d never see him trying to protect his
derriere from the bayonets and bullets of his enemies with a layer of fabric.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These trousers are an important part of my
lineage and I wouldn’t want to disrespect the struggles of my ancestors by
applying cloth to buttock.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The list of public places I am banned from gets longer by
the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am no longer welcome at the
library, the school, church, my local, my non-local, the supermarket, laser
quest, the arcade, Claridge’s , the nuclear power plant, the old watering hole,
my neighbours pools, and outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even
the postman doesn’t knock on the door any more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He just leaves my packages with the neighbours, even when I’m at home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is pure discrimination.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh7Weju0QsKuIqYSR3__MRKA2rNUNa0-G2RHJntsr-e8lrfpaVo0u9nwXttW7Iz9ved1TWnwvK1YukqOUB3Y66FWb5R9keVtPdXcsHpmHF718Q5bqF-ixp9NY4QPIIKFt8rgaBPF8woFEq/s1600/chaps.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh7Weju0QsKuIqYSR3__MRKA2rNUNa0-G2RHJntsr-e8lrfpaVo0u9nwXttW7Iz9ved1TWnwvK1YukqOUB3Y66FWb5R9keVtPdXcsHpmHF718Q5bqF-ixp9NY4QPIIKFt8rgaBPF8woFEq/s1600/chaps.png" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The "censored" version that I have to wear to my kid's school plays.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I don’t understand why some people are allowed to wear
unusual clothing and I’m not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t
see me walking around slapping those weird Jewish hats off of people’s heads or tearing off people's burkhas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are allowed to
wear them due to religious reasons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well
what if I were to say that I worshipped buttless trousers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t, because that would be ridiculous,
but I could if I wanted to and you should be happy for me.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
So here I stand, proud, sunburnt and nettled; turning the
other cheek every time some drunken hen party slaps my arse and whistles like a
filthy steam engine. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I ask is that people consider a little
cultural sensitivity and respect my lifestyle choices. That, and please stop making me sit on towels when I come round for tea. Thanks in advance!</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-33309808520400089372014-07-21T12:00:00.001+01:002014-07-21T12:00:01.423+01:00How The Drip Bill Affects You<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->Ever since Edward Snowden delighted us all by blowing a
whistle (as I understand it), it seems that the word on everyone’s lips at the
moment is “privacy”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We value our
privacy so much that we can’t stop talking about it, to everyone and
everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recently had the words “More
Internet Privacy” tattooed on my bollocks, and then I uploaded a scrotal selfie
of it to Facebook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s how excited I
am about privacy.<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
After months of complaining, and sending pictures of my balls to Downing Street, it seems that the government have finally not listened
to our demands of not being listened to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s why they’re currently rushing a bill through parliament called
DRIP (Data Retention and Investigatory Powers). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In yet another lick of the salt stick that is
our civil liberties, the bill intends to extend government powers to monitor us
and retain our communications information if we are suspected criminals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the party leaders are backing this bill
in effort to push it through the Commons as quickly and quietly as
possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This bill is so drab that the
government hopes that you’ll become bored and disinterested, like if someone
tried to offer you a Watchtower magazine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s why they called it DRIP, to make it sound so bland that you won’t
care.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Well I do care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s why I’ve read the bill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There’s a lot of nasty stuff in here that they don’t want you to read.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s a summary of some of the most heinous
parts of the bill.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>1)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every Person Will
be Given A Barcode</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Since we didn’t want ID cards, the government intend to
brand you with a unique identifier instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This series of lines, when scanned with a barcode reader, will provide
your name, age, social security number, the number of times you’ve failed to
wash your hands after a wee, and your sell by date.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This will also make using self-service
checkouts an absolute nightmare.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>2)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every Household
Will Be Required To Download Michael Gove</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Using 3D printers, every family in Britain will soon find
themselves infested with a serious case of Gove.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’ll slink around your house checking for
terrorists and making sure that your children haven’t been radicalised.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His primary function is to bang on the door
while you’re taking a shit, demanding that you allow him to inspect the room
for Islamic propaganda, and don’t you dare flush!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will also stand at the foot of your bed
while you’re trying to make love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His
little beagle-like head will wrinkle further as he tries to comprehend the
concept of love and acceptance amongst two human beings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIdLIKbP8jhJDh4rfQH-EIvjKXv1NKV7E_HnZhEL3epizBAUjhnRAox3P1qD0gi13-ftx5HrE6MvlLyXh3OPqtL9cLijGNoPqgN8O79HgbANDfze4YExXOdmew1J971vtCTVfNo-XUOoXj/s1600/gove.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIdLIKbP8jhJDh4rfQH-EIvjKXv1NKV7E_HnZhEL3epizBAUjhnRAox3P1qD0gi13-ftx5HrE6MvlLyXh3OPqtL9cLijGNoPqgN8O79HgbANDfze4YExXOdmew1J971vtCTVfNo-XUOoXj/s1600/gove.jpg" height="320" width="234" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You're own, personal, former education minister</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>3)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your Internet
History Will Automatically Be Emailed To Your Mum</b></span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
In order to stop you going on bomb-making websites or
becoming a pedophile, your parents will have full and unedited access to your
browsing habits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This will make you
think twice before you decide to let yourself become indoctrinated.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>4)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ask Jeeves Will
Become The UK’s Primary Search Engine</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As an effort to promote the aristocracy as a friendly,
all-knowing source of information and power, the government intends to relaunch
the unpopular search engine, Ask Jeeves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Anyone attempting to Google anything will be remanded in custody until the
mercy of Jeeves is bestowed upon you.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>5)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyone
Attempting To Fly To Russia Will Be Arrested</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Why would anyone want to go to Russia?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s cold, bleak, and smells faintly of
fermented potatoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only reason
anyone would want to go there is if they were a whistleblower searching for
asylum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s catch them before they
leave, then, because we don’t want to waste taxes paying for their
incarceration, send them somewhere horrible, like Russia!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’ll teach them.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
From these few points, it’s obvious that the DRIP bill is
bad news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The government will tell you
that “if you’ve done nothing wrong, then you’ve got nothing to hide”, but I
implore you not to fall for this line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
used to hide sweets in my bedroom because I didn’t want my brothers and sisters
to steal them, so hiding things can be noble.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That, and all those unpaid parking tickets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either way, I implore you not to support the
government’s actions and not to support DRIP.</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-73110161557509875312014-07-18T12:00:00.000+01:002014-07-18T12:00:00.700+01:00My Birthday - The Change<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Today is my birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Due to the aging process, I'm starting to feel a new sense of maturity</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> about myself. It's been literally days since I laughed at a fart. </span>I have survived 28 years so far on this
planet and I’ve been posting on Muppets For Justice for 7 of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s one quarter of my entire life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Granted, I only starting posting regularly 3
years ago when I finally found my voice (it’s always under the fridge isn’t
it?), but even so, that’s a long time to have been blogging.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Not only that, I’ve posted over 400 times, written
several guest blogs, recorded a short podcast series, and put together a
book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve put a lot of time into this
whole Muppets For Justice thing, and I think it’s fair to say that I’ve had a
modicum of success.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve got a small,
cult following, regular hits, and I’ve met some fantastic writers and bloggers
through this whole thing, which is incredibly important to me. However, from
small trees do mighty acorns grow (I think that’s right), so lately I’ve been
trying to promote the blog more.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Recent efforts on that front have been pretty slow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been trying to promote Muppets For
Justice on Facebook and Twitter more regularly, but I don’t feel like the blog is
growing much at the moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things seem
to have reached a plateau on that front. I’m not very good at putting myself out there and
vying for that recognition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it’s
a mixture of apathy (since everyone’s trying to promote something), plus a lack
of faith in my own abilities that are holding me back on this front.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to try harder.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
However, I also think that there’s a distinct problem
with the blog itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While Muppets For
Justice is a unique name that I used to love, I think it’s also become a big burden hanging around my neck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The casual observer probably
sees this place as a Muppets fan site, especially since I have a picture of the
cookie monster up there. I think Muppets For Justice is a confusing blog since
the Muppets are an established brand and wildly popular in their own right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To try and build a successful online presence
off of the back of this was always going to be an uphill struggle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a bit like trying to start a robotics
company called Skynet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s also not
very unique since this blog’s very existence probably breaks copyright law in
some capacity.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I think that there’s also several layers of obfuscation here;
there’s the Muppets For Justice blog, there’s my Internet handle Addman, my
Twitter account Ollie The Pigeon, and whatever else I happen to be writing as that
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> None of these elements seem to tie together very well. </span>Since the advent of social media,
it’s more acceptable to use your full name online. I think people feel a little
disconnected from me as a writer when they see the name Addman and the puppet
avatar, especially when coupled with my usual content.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
All of this is a convoluted way of saying that I’m
thinking about making some changes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
thinking of ditching the handle and using my real name (gasp!), tying all of my associated accounts together and,
biggest of all, renaming Muppets For Justice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have a couple of new names in mind that don’t infringe on existing copyrights,
which I’ll reveal later if everything goes ahead.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
What do you folks think about this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would Muppets For Justice not be the same if
it was called something else?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Please let me know your opinions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m eager to change things up, but I don’t
want to alienate the people who stop by regularly and I'm nervous about ruining everything I’ve
built so far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any feedback you can give
is valuable and will influence my decision tremendously.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Thank you for reading and I’m sorry it’s not as
entertaining as usual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normal service
shall resume next week. This has to be the strangest birthday post ever.</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-27988974869447634922014-07-14T12:00:00.000+01:002014-07-14T12:00:00.079+01:00Song Dissection – Paolo Nutini Edition<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Hello and welcome to another edition of our long running song
dissection series.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this edition, we’re
going to analyse the latest effort of sunshiney vagrant, Paolo Nutini.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With his new song Scream, Paolo is trying to
transform himself from the world’s happiest jazz hobo to the world’s sexiest
jazz hobo. Let’s scrutinise the song until it doesn’t mean anything anymore:</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/fZswz64dFlw?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>How was I to know you’d just come along?</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>(And funk my life up)</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Fair enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Someone who is really into funk has found their way into Paolo’s
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been waiting for someone to
come along and slap bass my life up, but I’ve had little luck on that front.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Lips like they’ve been singing sexed up strawberry songs</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>(Just funk my life up)</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I can’t think of that many sexed up strawberry
songs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps they are folk songs that
local strawberry pickers used to sing to keep their spirits up, and their libidos.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Never heard it coming, thought it’s just another woman</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>With a shotgun in her hand</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>(Funk my life up)</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Looks like Paolo has had a few encounters with dangerous,
shotgun-toting women in the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
must be attracted to the daughters of Italian mafia bosses or something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe even an assassin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Interestingly, he sounds rather unconcerned
about the situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh it’s just
another woman come to blow my brains out with a shotgun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happens every Tuesday.”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>She’s the bass, she’s the beat, she’s the rhythm, she’s
the band</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>(Just funk my life up)</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
And she’s also part of a one-woman band!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being an assassin must be difficult if you
have a bass drum strapped to your back and symbols on your knees.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>And the girl, so fine</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Makes you wanna scream Hallelujah</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Sounds like she’s a vicar too.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Sly hands, spinning webs like silk</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Beats are dripping on me, like spider milk</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This line is actually rather easy to dissect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Basically, being the derelict superstar that
Paolo Nutini is, he lives in a leaky basement and milks spiders for a
living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a nice little earner that
tides him over between albums.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He comes
from a long line of spider milkers; it’s been in his family for
generations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just ask Wikipedia.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>And I never heard the warning when I woke up this morning</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>With my sunshine on a drip</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Obviously he doesn’t mean that literally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s no way that you could have sunshine
on a drip, as that would be impractical and absurd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, “sunshine” in this case is a slang term
meaning something else entirely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s
actually referring to the tropical drink Sunny Delight.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>She’s my rock, she’s my bud, she’s tequila, she’s a trip</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
She’s also a shape shifter.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>And that girl, so fine</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Makes you wanna scream Hallelujah</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>How can I refuse? I’m not fit to chose</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>(Just funk my life up)</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>I said the only way I win is the way I lose</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>(Just funk my life up)</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
He’s definitely been to Vegas then.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>And I never got the script, I unzipped</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Got a little bit wet up in my brain</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This can happen if you don’t get any excess water out of
your ears with a Johnson’s baby bud. Always make sure to clean your ears after bath time.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: yellow;">She’s your church, she’s your sin, she’s atomic,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="color: yellow;">
</span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: yellow;">she’s the oh she’s the rain</span></i></div>
<i><span style="color: yellow;">
</span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: yellow;">And the girl, so fine you wanna scream</span></i></div>
<i><span style="color: yellow;">
</span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: yellow;">Yeah, yeah</span></i></div>
<i><span style="color: yellow;">
</span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<i><span style="color: yellow;">
</span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: yellow;">She gets me silly, she’s like a trick on me</span></i></div>
<i><span style="color: yellow;">
</span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: yellow;">Hell, I don’t even know her name but yet she sticks to me</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Then she should try showering more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dirty, sticky girl.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>And in the climax she would scream with me</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Yeah, she sticks to me</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>She gets me funny, she doesn’t want none of my money</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>So I pour it over her like gasoline</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Yep, that’s a normal part of the courtship process; the
gasoline pouring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whenever I want our
relationship to move onto the next level, I always make sure to pour diesel all
over my girlfriends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oddly enough, this
usually occurs towards the end of the relationship.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Light a match and then I’m back in my teens</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Me and super girl smoking my green</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Me and super girl smoking my green</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Now he’s cajoling Superman’s daughter into the sinister
world of drug abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I doubt it is for
medical purposes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Super Girl never gets
sick.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Unload, reload, eyes back swinging,</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Sweet thing, knows things, Jeff Beck sings</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I think Paolo is a little confused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His crazed ramblings have more in common with
Beck than Jeff Beck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure Beck probably wrote
a few of these lines for him.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Roundhouse, going down…… Let’s go!</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>And the girl so fine makes you wanna scream Hallelujah</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Hallelujah</i></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><i>Yeah, the girl, so fine, you wanna scream</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkoNlD_VAoFIYjkZtun7ueQn5losNZ7hIp9IfwPoa6s2Kjpwt1b2-nIAv0P4J1BPq2ZMXE5FRmZsmmkD0BNzMjRLskLDg2SxWyiYf-uNZChs3JLiWLu0xz3JGR4OewLzR5ZzB3huwNzYrZ/s1600/nutini.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkoNlD_VAoFIYjkZtun7ueQn5losNZ7hIp9IfwPoa6s2Kjpwt1b2-nIAv0P4J1BPq2ZMXE5FRmZsmmkD0BNzMjRLskLDg2SxWyiYf-uNZChs3JLiWLu0xz3JGR4OewLzR5ZzB3huwNzYrZ/s1600/nutini.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
So to sum up, Paolo Nutini’s life as a spider milker was
interrupted by a shapeshifting assassin who came to kill him, but instead they
fell in love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Paolo then tried to pour
petrol all over her as a show of commitment, which caused their relationship to
break down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the rebound, Paolo
started a relationship with a superhero’s daughter, and they spent their days
getting high on weed and Sunny D.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
If that isn’t enough to convince you that all music is
worthless, I don’t know what is.</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-51395257600584939262014-07-11T12:00:00.000+01:002014-07-11T12:00:01.128+01:00I Just Can’t Wait To Be King<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Divine proclamations are funny old things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems that you can wait your whole life
for one, purposely standing next to burning bushes and atop biblical
mountainsides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, they have a tendency
to pop when you least expect them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this
case, it occurred at a family barbeque.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
There I was, grilling meat like an absolute
champion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember it well because I was
wearing my favourite grilling apron, which says “kiss the cook” on the front, but
one of my damn kids scratched off part of the second o to look like a c.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, I had just necked my 13<sup>th</sup>
beer of the day, then picked up my spatula to flip another burger on the
grill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I held my spatula aloft, it glinted
in the sunlight as if to say “you have been chosen for greatness”.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It would be an understatement to say that I was
excited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I immediately relived my
bladder at this revelation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I held the
cooking utensil higher to try and invoke further insight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Listening intently, I heard an echoing voice
in my head say the words that I have been waiting to hear since the day I was
born; “you are now king of the entire universe!”</div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxwHseE8Q81j8gU0569GKmGOCYR-m-djQcLxRk37uDfLfktiA-4H_E_V31PmdjeZ1QNPygpSJ_nN-6FSHn4CNbRkOlLkFnkFXXr4N-Y5-lhYqnYe9tAAzxrwTj85inTsgg_gpjG2NmwlQ1/s1600/spat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxwHseE8Q81j8gU0569GKmGOCYR-m-djQcLxRk37uDfLfktiA-4H_E_V31PmdjeZ1QNPygpSJ_nN-6FSHn4CNbRkOlLkFnkFXXr4N-Y5-lhYqnYe9tAAzxrwTj85inTsgg_gpjG2NmwlQ1/s1600/spat.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Scepter Of Fate</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
About damn time!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
could finally ditch this whole stupid family, quit my job, and live a life of
luxury.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would lie around all day on a
velvet pillow and have a giant Persian cat stroke me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would bathe in asp milk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who am I to stand in the way of destiny?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I turned to leave and almost tripped over my stupid kids,
who were holding a cardboard tube up to ear and speaking into it for some
idiotic reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They soon stopped
giggling when I barged past them shouting “Daddy’s gonna rule the world,
bitches!”, smashed my way through the garden gate (because a king doesn’t open
any gates for himself), and ran off down the street towards Parliament.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It was during the middle of Prime Minister’s questions
that I managed to infiltrate the House of Commons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pushed past David Cameron, interrupting his
speech about why he’s such a moon-faced dick or something, wrestled my way past
two security guards, and deposed the speaker from his seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now sat on my new throne, I waved my spatula
in the air as I began to lay down my own commandments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I demanded that Nick Clegg start creating my
very own Magna Carta, which, having smelled the smell of real power, he willingly
fell down on his knees and obliged.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“Alright!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rule
number 1, anyone who ever insulted me is to be dangled slowly into a firey pit
of scorpions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rule number 2, build me a
firey pit of scorpions!”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It was at this point that a rubber bullet pierced my
shoulder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The force of the impact made
the spatula (which I had just christened the Scepter Of Fate) fly out of my
hand, bounce down the steps, and into the hand of Ed Miliband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He held it up for a few seconds, then felt an
overwhelming sense of responsibility and got scared, flinging it over towards
Cameron.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He scooped it up and his face
began flapping like a loosely-fitted condom as he started cackling like a
madman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Meanwhile, I was bleeding all over the place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My reign was rather short, but terrifying and
grand in scope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I sit in prison
awaiting trial, I’m trying to understand what went wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next time I hear a disembodied voice from a
divine spirit after drinking beer all day in the hot sun, I’m strongly considering
not taking their career advice.</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-50775664826448010682014-07-07T12:00:00.001+01:002014-07-07T13:01:09.507+01:00String Theory Explained<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
There are many scientific theories and laws that, while they
are essentially complicated, they can easily be explained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The theory of gravity is a perfect
example.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The practicalities and
calculations behind determining gravitational force can be mind boggling, but
it can be easily explained as the force that makes you stick to the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>String theory is not so easily described.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
What exactly is string theory?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve all heard Stephen Hawking talking about
it; he loves it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His eyes widen in wonderment
at the sight of a string vest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But why
is string so important to science?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
String has many magical properties that elevate it over
other woven fabrics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is strong,
taught, and useful for binding things together, which scientists speculate was
an important part in the formation and binding of our universe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Early telephone systems consisted of two
yoghurt pots attached by string, which means that string can be used to
transmit telephone signals and communications.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Despite </span>all of this study, not a single scientist has been able to determine how long a piece of string is. It also keeps unexpectedly appearing in people’s pockets for no apparent
reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go on, put your hand in your
pocket right now and I bet you’ll find some string in there. Isn’t it
marvellous?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
In the same way that you can bind two sticks together
with a piece of string, string theory indicates that the universe is held
together by a mysterious, unseen force.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some speculate that is the work of dark matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, I believe that, given the evidence
as to the important part that string already plays on our daily existence, that
the universe is held together by long strands of invisible string.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the main reason why people tell you not
to run with scissors.</div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAxJLlijyGGxtztVO__xxxuVr79rv649iIet7BGo-jejA_QMOigZ0MROV3E_Hz6OvSN7MWHvh_z_ikTtK54bJ9HDIrz8tIDwvBz1ObAlklQiw6-n3U21XdqcLnonFPjhsQt2Rt3da9ei_c/s1600/string.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAxJLlijyGGxtztVO__xxxuVr79rv649iIet7BGo-jejA_QMOigZ0MROV3E_Hz6OvSN7MWHvh_z_ikTtK54bJ9HDIrz8tIDwvBz1ObAlklQiw6-n3U21XdqcLnonFPjhsQt2Rt3da9ei_c/s1600/string.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The inside of a string</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As an experiment, I’ve been trying to open tears in the space-time
continuum by running down the street and madly slicing the air with a bread
knife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If my theory is correct,
eventually I’ll slice through one of the invisible strings that bind reality,
create a wormhole to another dimension, and transport myself into an
alternative timeline where I didn’t wee myself in front of the entire class in
1996*.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I began screaming madly whilst
doing this in order alert other people to the experiment. This should give them
ample time to move out of the way should they not wish to be transported across
trans-dimensional planes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also took
the precaution of wearing a white coat so that people would take me seriously
and understand that I was a man of science.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To underline this point, I wore nothing else other than the coat to try
and draw attention to it.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It was shortly after I began slicing at a speaker in a
KFC drive-thru that I was bundled into the back of a police car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of fascist would try and stifle a ground-breaking
scientific discovery such as this? I don’t think the minds at NASA have to put
up with this kind of bullshit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And with that,
your honour, the defence rests.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i>*Most of my experiments revolve around trying to reverse
this tragic event.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the main reason
that I became a scientist.</i><br />
<br />
<i>((P.S. Some of you saw a post on Friday about buttless chaps. Those eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that the date of the post was 25th of July, so from the future. Basically, Blogger decided to publish one of scheduled posts early in some sort of time travelling confusion. Thank you for commenting and enjoying it, but I've taken it down to finish it properly and will post it again in due course.)) </i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-80765207578313017532014-07-04T12:00:00.000+01:002014-07-04T12:00:00.881+01:00Pug Reviews<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I think it was Plato who once coined that immortal phrase that
haunts the front of our t shirts, “pugs not drugs”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since Plato was a massive crack and opium
fiend, his love for our wrinkly little friends must have been rather overwhelming
to give up narcotics in favour of their squinty little faces. His slogan still resonates today. Everywhere you turn these days people seem to be enjoying pugs.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I, on the other hand, couldn’t care less when it comes to
pugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their faces look like my scrotum,
and yet there are virtually no women willing to carry my scrotum around in their
handbag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, said women tend to
call the police when I attempt to teabag their Louis Vuitton’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that regard I am highly jealous of
pugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just don’t see the appeal of a
squashed, sub-intelligent creature that can’t walk unaided for more 20 minutes and suffers
from <a href="http://www.examiner.com/article/eye-proptosis-is-a-particular-risk-for-brachycephalic-dogs">eye prolapses</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s why I thought I’d review some pugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is my intention to try and underscore
their crapness through rigorous and prolonged critique.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please see the following abominations:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Brucie</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Looks:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b></span>2/10 (looks
like a withered bumbleball)
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcaky5QlWArDQ5eLB08ruwkDJoRv6ufjtNMgIb18rRp8aY_ecGZzUujDUyQl3jMxR-LsNwQIOCEZutQvySs4EQ4UjhyphenhyphenyBbtLmEfRqRvrPY-kUpViieGkNOdRIhBZZlzjLz0ZJshpVj8Ebt/s1600/brucie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcaky5QlWArDQ5eLB08ruwkDJoRv6ufjtNMgIb18rRp8aY_ecGZzUujDUyQl3jMxR-LsNwQIOCEZutQvySs4EQ4UjhyphenhyphenyBbtLmEfRqRvrPY-kUpViieGkNOdRIhBZZlzjLz0ZJshpVj8Ebt/s1600/brucie.jpg" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Personality: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></b></span>3/10 (when
not asleep, favourite activity is going boss-eyed)
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Mileage:</b></span> 0/10 (prefers to be wheeled around in a cart)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Intelligence: </b></span>5/10 (smartly avoids physical activity)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Brucie is probably the laziest pug I’ve ever seen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When he’s not snoozing away, the only other
thing he does is look at me hungrily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At
least, I think he’s looking at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Brucie steadfastly refuses to walk anywhere because he is too used to
his owners carrying him around in a bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m not sure that Brucie has ever learned to walk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While most people think he’s pretty dumb, I
reckon this is all an act to try and avoid any sort of physical exertion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I could persuade giant apes to attend to
me every whim and desire, I would be just like Brucie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, it makes him about as
interesting as a movie franchise reboot.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Maggie</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Looks: </b></span> 1/10 (like something found behind the sofa)
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvFOSTd9CKFg2KxS3gii7k2g3QmtfK1JL84_xkrrV9Hf7Dx7qnlZUpvs1UqpTny0yYAy_jUKUOwJkisMb32DTCr891cz2zp6GeRR7x_GFS1sMAvlN0gemxD_qRQ7RGstrY48uFknVcEoTB/s1600/maggie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvFOSTd9CKFg2KxS3gii7k2g3QmtfK1JL84_xkrrV9Hf7Dx7qnlZUpvs1UqpTny0yYAy_jUKUOwJkisMb32DTCr891cz2zp6GeRR7x_GFS1sMAvlN0gemxD_qRQ7RGstrY48uFknVcEoTB/s1600/maggie.jpg" height="200" width="188" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Personality:</b></span> 1/10 (also ugly on the inside)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Mileage: </b></span>4/10 (can walk across a room without an asthma
attack)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Intelligence:</b></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>3/10 (no
notable tricks to speak of)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maggie doesn’t have a whole lot going for her to be
honest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If she was a human in Edwardian
England, her family would accept an offer of half a pig for her hand in
marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All she does is bark all day
long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I say bark, it sounds more
like someone squeezing out a high-pitched fart into a glass of water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the plus side, physical activity doesn’t outright
kill her, and she has been seen trotting across the room to bark at a
houseplant or a chair.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Chuppa</b></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfhxGDl9-2E0k2wXHNUm54a63DrYde20XqCBWojD4wMq86q8P5FruHZnlxAI2q687FvBrjP5vXMw7mkA9ZsMmj5AGyav-D9oD3-CPKHMs8aLCdz6A-gvMia0OZU0iI0j9CSN2IMcjMdXt2/s1600/chuppa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfhxGDl9-2E0k2wXHNUm54a63DrYde20XqCBWojD4wMq86q8P5FruHZnlxAI2q687FvBrjP5vXMw7mkA9ZsMmj5AGyav-D9oD3-CPKHMs8aLCdz6A-gvMia0OZU0iI0j9CSN2IMcjMdXt2/s1600/chuppa.jpg" /></a></b></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="color: yellow;">Looks:</span> </b>5/10<b> </b>(crossed with a superior dog)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Personality:</b></span> 0/10 (destructive in short bursts)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Mileage: </b></span>5/10 (crazy, but easily tired)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Intelligence: </b></span>0/10 (couldn’t even get a job at McDonalds)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m pretty sure that Chuppa once starred in a cartoon about
a Tasmanian devil and his closest kin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Technically,
Chuppa is a Jug; a Pug and Jack Russell cross breed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This gives him a double dose of small dog
syndrome, making him a nightmare to control or even be around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, he doesn’t look like someone has
stepped on his face, so that has to count for something.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, that was fun wasn’t it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I might branch out and insult more
than just pugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’d like me to
critique your pet, just send me a picture to <a href="mailto:addman_00@hotmail.com">addman_00@hotmail.com</a> and we’ll see if
beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-47083195266551502232014-06-30T12:00:00.001+01:002014-06-30T14:27:40.607+01:00Flogging Holly<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgviNQI_0TZF75SYk1BYq3oImmec_ujioL7X5z6ndMT_F_rtuEaAxNDv16gyCXskKYUCZehS6HlCcqL32pn_23UyLfjMROlUw_XWy0AaWDvJRkbfm4aHh9Wnb4OM_Ixgfp8J2W7a0Xbv3x5/s1600/San_Diego_Zoo_entrance_elephant.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>I've found myself at quite a loose end just recently. My life in general is pretty boring. I get up when I want, except on Wednesday's when I get rudely awakened by the dustman. I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea, and I think that my hobby of parodying Blur songs is starting to get stale. I need a new hobby; something a bit more lively to get me out of the house and pass the time. That's why I've started seeing a professional dominatrix.<br /><br />Her name is Mz Holly Valentine (it's important to pronounce the Mz correctly, like a slightly aroused wasp). She's a no nonsense sort of lass and I respect that, mainly because I have to. She lives in a dungeon on the East side of town and I go and visit her every Thursday for an hour or two.<br /><br />I'm still quite new to this S&M lark, so the whole thing is a big learning experience. The first time I visited her I didn't really know what the correct etiquette was for visiting a dominatrix. I figured it would be like attending a dinner party, so I pick out a rather cheeky bottle of Valpolicella from the top shelf in Tescos. She seemed a little bemused by my gift, but was friendly enough and invited me inside.<br /><br />In order for a more fulfilling experience, Mz Holly said that we should get to know each other a bit.We began to talk about my likes and dislikes. I informed her that my favourite colour is blue, that I would like to be reincarnated as a sun bear, and that I have broken the world record for attending roller discos. Again, she seemed a little perplexed, but simply handed me a form where I had to tick off things that I am into. I ticked the box for flogging because I do like to sell things at car boot sales, and I have been known to flog items on eBay. I ticked CBT. I figured it was a typo for CBD and, as a town planner, I do enjoy a good Central Business District. I also ticked watersports because who doesn't love to catch a bit of surf? I expected that we'd have a lovely, fun-filled day out with the activities I'd chosen.<br /><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicIc5ojN9vGYDxyw-XwF5UiiZUwM3__saRGLTK3HYNV1t5WO_8FsYaUkunPVOInMn0_gHKCacIMOWv0hvcQiyRtyP6wT4hlUpqqSPsQD_U2k1NlMBoOz9udUk6YTKh8jI0rbIvQ54H6hEy/s1600/San_Diego_Zoo_entrance_elephant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicIc5ojN9vGYDxyw-XwF5UiiZUwM3__saRGLTK3HYNV1t5WO_8FsYaUkunPVOInMn0_gHKCacIMOWv0hvcQiyRtyP6wT4hlUpqqSPsQD_U2k1NlMBoOz9udUk6YTKh8jI0rbIvQ54H6hEy/s1600/San_Diego_Zoo_entrance_elephant.jpg" height="227" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just one of the many days out I had in mind for Mz Holly</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Mz Holly chose to stay in instead. I instead found myself strapped to some uncomfortable contraption with a hood over my head. I was also in the ungentlemanly position of having no clothes on.<br /><br />To be honest, it wasn't quite what I was expecting. Mz Holly's whole demeanour suddenly changed, and she went from being quite friendly to incredibly stern. She also had a thing about hitting me across the buttocks with a riding crop. Then I had to pay for the privilege and leave.<br /><br />It was all a bit of a laugh until the nipple clamps came out. I had to take it otherwise I recieved more beatings, each more vigorous than the last. To be honest, this was nothing like what I imagined. I thought I'd get to make a new friend and strike up a new hobby with a like-minded individual. <br /><br />I'm sure Mz Holly would be able to find herself a little bit of romance if she'd just stop calling blokes "maggots" and attaching them to uncomfortable apparatus. Also, her choice of attire seems to be more than a little uncomfortable. There's no wonder she doesn't leave the confines of her dungeon. I've tried to encourage her out of the house by suggesting trips to the zoo through my ball gag, but she always tells me to shut up.<br /><br />You’re probably wondering why I keep visiting her when I don’t appear to enjoy the experience. Well, it turns out that on my first visit, I entered into some kind of verbal agreement, and a verbal agreement is pretty much legally binding. Addman is not the kind of man who will break his word. I’ve made my own steel-framed bed and now I have to lie strapped to it. I only hope I can bring this shy, retiring young woman out of her shell/catsuit and encourage to get out a bit more. If I can just get her to stop whipping me for two minutes, that would be bonus.Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-14724019843449511242014-06-27T12:00:00.000+01:002014-06-27T12:00:00.717+01:00Things Our Children Won’t Understand<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>1) YOLO – </b></span>When medical science advances to a point where everyone
gets a free extra life through their healthcare plans, no one will understand
this archaic adage.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>2) The thrill of conker season –</b></span> When horse chestnuts are
declared extinct in the year 2033, our children will be deprived of the majesty
that only conkers can provide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing
compares to the joy of threading a shoelace through a particularly hefty
conker, varnishing it for extra hardness, then twatting someone across the
knuckles with it.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>3) Cat videos –</b></span> When cats are finally linked with causing
autism in our children, and they are unilaterally wiped out, the next
generation will not be able to understand why we allowed evil felines to live
in our homes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will be further
confused by our insistence on filming the little blighters and posting the
resulting clips on YouTube.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>4) DVDs/Blu Ray – </b></span>“So it’s like a small silver food tray that
you stick in your TV?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can you remember the first time you saw a DVD? It was magical. High quality movies compressed down onto a shiny disc were so popular that people bought them in massive quantities and displayed them to others in order to show their taste in films. Streaming
services are killing off our insistence on purchasing piles of non-degradable
plastic and displaying them on bookshelves, which is a damn shame for everyone outside of Greenpeace.</div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAMk9fEiZBC_ufkn2p2vPg6CmhzmuhPi2cW2AADC5bu3KTV9TQOnyw5TKQVuPF9rRZBHPaOfTQ1NNdDsw03tUPcV2cvyqJrzqovucF1LwUGcWnNf7QtQSsIz7pMllbBvopz6tb15Yr_Ylh/s1600/dvds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAMk9fEiZBC_ufkn2p2vPg6CmhzmuhPi2cW2AADC5bu3KTV9TQOnyw5TKQVuPF9rRZBHPaOfTQ1NNdDsw03tUPcV2cvyqJrzqovucF1LwUGcWnNf7QtQSsIz7pMllbBvopz6tb15Yr_Ylh/s1600/dvds.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A great use of the Earth's finite resources, I'm sure you'll agree</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>5) The concept of family –</b></span> When families are finally
outlawed in 2019 because of their inclination to screw up your development, our
children will know nothing of their biological parents, but will instead <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>turn to the robot nannies that take care of
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will know nothing of their
mothers and fathers as they grow up in an orbital sky crèche with all of their
needs attended to.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>6) Gangster rap –</b></span> With the advent of Gunby music (where
musicians smack a hurdy gurdy with a live salmon), the world will collectively
forget about the hood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Snoop and Dre
will be revered in the same manner as Mozart and Verdi as examples of fine
culture, but kids will largely dislike their classical stylings.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>7) Physical activity – </b></span>Why walk anywhere when you have a
flying chair to take you where you need to go?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>8) Porn bushes – </b></span>I was at least 20 years old before I
realised that porn didn’t grow naturally on bushes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Aged 10, we used to go porn hunting in the
woods with a big butterfly net, trying to snag an interesting growler in the
undergrowth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We felt like intrepid 19<sup>th</sup>
century explorers attempting to catalogue new, exotic species.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned a lot about the female form from
reader’s wives sections, which gave me a much more realistic picture of what to
expect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The children of the future will
be used to seeing airbrushed, hairless porn stars parading around on their
screens like Persian cats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just not
the same!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>9) Um Bongo –</b></span> This delicious tropical drink is in danger
of going extinct, unless we act now! Please send your donations so that I buy
more Um Bongo and try to breed it under laboratory conditions.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>10) List Articles –</b></span> If we want to leave a lasting legacy
for future generations, we need to start producing more list articles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our children may never get to read
Cracked.com, Buzzfeed, or Muppets For Justice, and that would be a damn shame.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-21855123367051039952014-06-23T12:00:00.000+01:002014-06-23T12:00:01.535+01:00The Food Of Love<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->As a promiscuous man with an appetite for seduction, I
find that there is a distinct lack of sexy recipes and cooking shows to satisfy
my desires.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Food is sexy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not as sexy as sex, but it can be rather hot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unless it’s served cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The culinary world is so confusing.
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
What I do know is that food can get me into all sorts of
terrible trouble.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All it takes is a good
ploughman’s lunch and I’m anybody’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s why I decided to come up with some dishy new dishes to get your
blood boiling:</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Jerk-Off Chicken</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">12 chicken thighs</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">1 bunch of spring onions</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">1 sprig of ginger</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">3 garlic cloves</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">3 scotch bonnet chillies</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">2 tbsp of vegetable oil</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">3 tbsp of semen</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Firstly, create your marinade by chopping everything
above minus the chicken, then throwing it all in a pan and bringing it up to a
simmer for 20 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Continue to stir
the marinade, remembering to vigorously masturbate into the sauce at regular intervals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, spread the marinade over your chicken
thighs (and your own thighs), and rub any residual residue onto the chicken for
extra flavour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cook in the oven for 45
minutes until the chicken is nice and shiny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Serve on a bed of chickpeas.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYtjm-H144SaSeb320Ybh9Mye154B-Yx9RZuwHtkD7MeAoZGSSghUNNuP2oyrCcOxafFVMbGtaHi3uqawEtzbvbg-bHNVwNPAACVDLQwxnWSaROz9rF2Lcx_3YjmGNRcfdmWMfZU7AILw1/s1600/jerk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYtjm-H144SaSeb320Ybh9Mye154B-Yx9RZuwHtkD7MeAoZGSSghUNNuP2oyrCcOxafFVMbGtaHi3uqawEtzbvbg-bHNVwNPAACVDLQwxnWSaROz9rF2Lcx_3YjmGNRcfdmWMfZU7AILw1/s1600/jerk.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Phoooarrrr...weerrgghhh....uuuuhhhhh..mmmmm...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="color: yellow;">Cock Au Vin</span></b></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">Chicken Breast</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">1 bottle good-quality red wine (preferably a lovely
Merlot)</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">1 tbsp redcurrant jelly</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">1 small onion, chopped</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">2 sticks celery, chopped</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">1 carrot, chopped</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">4 garlic cloves, un-peeled, bruised</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">1 ribbed 12” strap on “Dominatator”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Fry your chopped veg for 10 minutes, add a quarter bottle
of wine and simmer gently, stirring regularly with your plastic dildo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Add the chicken and finish off by adding the
redcurrant jelly to the helmet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t
eat with a knife and fork, use the dildo as a utensil.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="color: yellow;">Beef Stroke-her-off</span></b></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">350g/12oz pork fillet</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">Freshly ground black pepper</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">2 tbsp sunflower oil</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">25g/1oz butter</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">1 onion, finely sliced</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">225g/8oz button chestnut mushrooms, halved</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">5fl oz/140ml carton soured cream</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">1 tbsp chopped fresh parsley</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Cook all that stuff above until it’s done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once ready, smear this all over your greasy
palms like a feral child who hasn’t been taught how to use utensils.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When your hands are suitably smeared like a
gloveless murderer, begin to touch your significant other in rude places.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
(Note:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This dish
must only be prepared by men.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If women
would like to prepare a similar dish, see my companion recipe for Rub-atouille)</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="color: yellow;">Reggae-Reggae Intercourse</span></b></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">1 pot of Reggae-Reggae Sauce</span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: yellow;">1 willing participant</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Simply smother a jar of Reggae-Reggae sauce over a naked
partner and let the lovemaking commence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Serve on a bed of suitable springiness.
</span>Bonus points if you film it and send the footage to Levi Roots.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I think that with these recipes, we have established that music isn't the food of love. Food is actually the food of love. Bon appetit!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-70961565645650752362014-06-20T12:00:00.000+01:002014-06-20T12:00:00.323+01:00E3 2014<div>
The Electronics Entertainment Expo took place
in Los Angeles last week (Muppets For Justice is nothing if not timely and relevant). This is the trade show for the video games industry, and
boy were there some big announcements this year! Allow me to summarise
the biggest game announcements that you might have missed:<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Tiger Madden's Pro Kickball HD 2015</b></span><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
The
popular Tiger Madden franchise adds the word "pro" to the title this
year, adding a career mode and realistic turf physics. This means that
the grass will react when you step on it by flattening down and going
slightly brown. You can restore your turf's greenness through a mini
game where you play a groundskeeper who has to water and trim the turf
between matches.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Remake Simulator</b></span><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Have you
ever wanted to replay your old games and pay £20 for the privilege?
Well now you can with Remake Simulator. Just fire up the game and you
will be presented with a fully HD screen asking you to insert your old
game CD. Brilliant!<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Moodie</b></span><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Moodie is grim,
indie, 8-bit adventure which makes great use of the colour black. Lots
of moody things happen such as lamps that won't turn on, wind noises
spontaneously emerging, and an ongoing internal monologue about the
bleakness of human existence. There are no enemies and no combat in this
game, just lots of walking through caves and abandoned buildings. The
game ends with Morrissey singing Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now.</div>
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrDr_sFKPmMj1edA-EoiMb96hUQ92NNk-toN2ctcxzxzHeuSeSjP7yCE1Qrpg0ClMo8NFPMl-8T9bb5XxkHwCtj6JXSldYSoii_WbUt4aHFQ6NYlFtTFaKXXnemOxXRbi3I6kvpp65dVOQ/s1600/e3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrDr_sFKPmMj1edA-EoiMb96hUQ92NNk-toN2ctcxzxzHeuSeSjP7yCE1Qrpg0ClMo8NFPMl-8T9bb5XxkHwCtj6JXSldYSoii_WbUt4aHFQ6NYlFtTFaKXXnemOxXRbi3I6kvpp65dVOQ/s1600/e3.jpg" height="200" width="168" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Hyper Ironic Awesome Boys</b></span><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Another
indie darling which strives to be as over the top as possible, with
hulking space marines hoisting unwieldy cannons around, blasting aliens
and screaming "Hells Yeah" and "Yolo" every time you press a button.
Explosions literally have the word "BOOM" in them, and are accompanied
with slow mo and camera zooms. Don't worry though, the developers are being
ironic, so it's okay to be this crass.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Battlecall 12</b></span><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Are
you a white male aged 18-30 who has power fantasies about being a white
male aged 18-30 in a war? Well look no further than Battlecall 12. Set
during the Falklands War, you can duel wield chainguns and make puns
while slaughtering your teammates in online deathmatch.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Teabagger 2</b></span><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Following
on from the success of Teabagger, Teabagger 2 has a variety of
opponents for you to squat over and "own". The game is full of celebrity tie ins, allowing you to successfully teabag famous faces such as Pierce Brosnan, Kevin
Spacey, and Ice Cube. You can buy the Snoop Dogg DLC voiceover pack,
where you'll hear Snoop commentate your teabagging experience with
choice phrases such as "shit son, you teabizzled his chizzle".<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
And
there you have it. Lot's of great games to keep the whole family numb
over the upcoming Christmas period. Start saving your money, and we'll
see you online shortly!</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-83414554047710038822014-06-16T12:00:00.000+01:002014-06-16T12:00:00.083+01:00The Drawbacks Of Being A Brainiac<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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If there’s one thing that many of you will have learned from
reading Muppets For Justice over the years, it’s that I am a veritable genius.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t help it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having an oversized cranium is as big a burden
as it is brilliant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m starting to get
neck cramps from having to support my gargantuan brain, which is why I have to
wear this neck brace, and nothing to do with that time I tripped over in a rockery.</div>
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<br /></div>
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There are many serious ramifications (that means
consequences) to being so smart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normal
people may look at a simple object like a pencil and think of it as merely a
writing implement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I see a pencil,
all sorts of mind-bending possibilities emerge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Most people wouldn’t think to pick their ears clean with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very few people would try to taste the
pencil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s this kind of experimentation
that separates me from the average layman.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Having a high IQ means that I can perform complex decisions
at a blistering pace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I’ve never
actually taken an IQ test, using my intellect I can estimate my IQ to be somewhere
around 4000.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can only work out your
own IQ if you already have a high one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t try this at home folks!</div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGA_8h0AgsXUyyWM4ZdNT7xxqwwqfWWLJpnLrUh849CmS0PGAM8y1QULPycqNzWcqph1bpLUcUlqIdxL_GYwtCou6O4H5C1IH-KzHb08E6Y-hjOIZvK28Jre5ZrWdv1FbF2RroIReUJnEd/s1600/clever.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGA_8h0AgsXUyyWM4ZdNT7xxqwwqfWWLJpnLrUh849CmS0PGAM8y1QULPycqNzWcqph1bpLUcUlqIdxL_GYwtCou6O4H5C1IH-KzHb08E6Y-hjOIZvK28Jre5ZrWdv1FbF2RroIReUJnEd/s1600/clever.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The card my teachers gave me when I left school</td></tr>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Quite often I find that people cannot understand me when I talk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because my brain can process information so
much faster than other people, I tend to communicate with them at a higher
frequency then they are used to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also
use huge, complicated words that most people don’t understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I am trying to relay so much
information to you all at once, it may sound like I talking gibberish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some have described my speech as “Underdeveloped”
or “Like listening to a howler monkey having sex with a tumble dryer”, but I would argue that my sentence
structure is just too complex for your primitive brains to decipher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you were to record me speaking, slow it
down, play with the reverb, reverse it, then get a voice actor in to record
some dialogue over the top, I’m sure you would understand me perfectly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’d be pretty impressed at what I have to
say.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Throughout my childhood I was persecuted for being so
clever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My teachers held me back several
years because they couldn’t accept my radical theories regarding clothing. Trousers are such an unnecessary distraction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Those same teachers</span> couldn’t accept that glue was vital brain food for my development.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, keeping me back those years allowed
my education to continue for far longer than any of my peers, which helped to
keep my mind sharp and allowed me to absorb more information like a thirsty
sponge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time I left school I had
a reading age far beyond the kids 4 years below me; the point at which I was
initially held back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite being a
bright kid, I was constantly picked on and degraded by my contemporaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They called me names such as “milk chugger”
because I used to drink my milk so fast that it came out of my nose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I drank so fast because I wanted to get back
to my studies quicker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why this is seen
as a negative is completely beyond me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfkbwZ1geBSdiBVEXEFoYuY_IAKg9p7cG9-QgV3Oy5x6BbrcKARhoYFVCJDPOPr7XJV1mZrHZ8pw5RKs4pnP-SUwzE5YyRcxZnSwNzZmRgmubaCZsiIBPz15d6nnR_pPALF_-0TMOnyJu5/s1600/milk+chugger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfkbwZ1geBSdiBVEXEFoYuY_IAKg9p7cG9-QgV3Oy5x6BbrcKARhoYFVCJDPOPr7XJV1mZrHZ8pw5RKs4pnP-SUwzE5YyRcxZnSwNzZmRgmubaCZsiIBPz15d6nnR_pPALF_-0TMOnyJu5/s1600/milk+chugger.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Milk chuggers are ballers after all</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now in my adult years I am starting to find that the job
market persecutes against clever people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The clever jobs are never advertised in the local paper, so I never know
when these jobs come up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How am I
supposed to apply for them if I don’t know where to look!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They never advertise for nuclear physicists
at the job centre.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m hoping that by typing this up, some of you smart people
out there will contact me and let me know that I’m not the only one out
there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I will crush you all in an
intellectual debate, because there can only be one person in the world as smart
as me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’ll be like a cerebral version
of Jet Li’s The One.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Like Kill Bill mixed with Mastermind. </span>Let battle
commence.</div>
Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2757164187474622670.post-70435696716488222312014-06-13T12:00:00.000+01:002014-06-13T12:07:15.564+01:00Friday the 13th<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Those of a superstitious disposition can’t fail to have
noticed that today is the devil’s day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
that fateful day of the calendar where Jason Voorhees crawls across your ceiling
and makes you die within 7 days.</div>
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<br /></div>
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While I am a rational person who believes in science, facts,
and life after love, I have experienced some inexplicable bad luck on Friday the
13<sup>th</sup> throughout the years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I noticed this trend I began documenting any mysterious or
downright unlucky happenings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To date I
have a comprehensive back catalogue of everything bad that has ever happened
me, which I call my Tome Of Misery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Others
tend to call it Addman’s Diary, and every page seems to reach a new all-time
low.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, I picked through it to
provide you with a list of superstitious stuff that will boggle any rational
mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The following events you are about
to read are disturbing, so reader discretion is advised.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Friday 13<sup>th</sup> 2002</b></span> – My GCSE exam results arrived
today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being the uncertified genius that
I undoubtedly am, I was expecting all A grades, but alas, the terrible forces
of Friday 13<sup>th</sup> have conspired to destroy me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of my grades have come back as
unmarked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of my teachers has
included a note saying that I was disqualified from the exams for not writing
my name on the papers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t think I
needed to. The amazing answers I gave to the questions would surely speak for
themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s only one person who
could have aced a test so thoroughly; how could they not realise it was
my paper?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is obviously not my
fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I blame the dark forces at work
on this most dreadful day.</div>
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<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Friday 13<sup>th</sup> 2004</b></span> – The devil dances on my nipples
once again!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went for a job interview
which I was perfect for (professional shit stirrer down at the waste disposal
yard).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They said they couldn’t hire me
because I didn’t have any qualifications!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Damn and blast this hideous day!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ3kdtWKCbWRbIjCdxTY3f7eJH8rYZjmf_EqXVWjwCtAMnyV9obUm5hHEkpkHLlLi_moEpOFMr0w0Zzg_FQ1mJpQXbEv0Fq2zkeDi4voCy2GypPcaVjwgzucuvZdjPuSkjKuSkHqrRqY5L/s1600/pred.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ3kdtWKCbWRbIjCdxTY3f7eJH8rYZjmf_EqXVWjwCtAMnyV9obUm5hHEkpkHLlLi_moEpOFMr0w0Zzg_FQ1mJpQXbEv0Fq2zkeDi4voCy2GypPcaVjwgzucuvZdjPuSkjKuSkHqrRqY5L/s1600/pred.jpg" height="166" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't fall asleep or Freddy will get you!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
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<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Friday 13<sup>th</sup> 2005</b></span> – As I was stomping around my
room while pretending to be a dinosaur, a leg on the coffee table came loose
and fell on my foot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent the rest of
the day in A&E waiting to get it x-rayed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The curse of Friday the 13<sup>th</sup> strikes again!</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Friday 13<sup>th</sup> 2008</b></span> – After a few years off, this
dreaded day has crept up on me once more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have managed to lose my favourite mug!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was a large, soup-bowl sized mug that said “This mug is almost as big
as my oversized genitalia”, which I enjoyed because it is true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve looked everywhere and can’t find
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In other news, a cruise liner sank,
killing 200 people.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Friday 13<sup>th</sup> 2010</b></span> – I’ve had two showers today and
I just don’t smell right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s something
funny going on here.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: yellow;"><b>Friday 13 2012</b></span> – With the Mayan apocalypse looming, I was
fully expecting some sort of doomsday scenario to arise today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was proved right when the phone hacking
investigation committee failed to impeach Piers Morgan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now he is allowed to wander free, consuming
souls until the end of days!</div>
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Coincidence? I think not!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m sure that all this evidence is compelling enough for the scientific community
to club together and ban Friday 13<sup>th</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they could also overturn my exam results,
I would be very grateful. Regardless, if anyone wants me I'll be hiding in the oven for the rest of day, where nothing can hurt me. Good luck out there!</div>
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Adam Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15404990952302454770noreply@blogger.com4