Monday 13 May 2013

Natural Born Criminals

Awww, look at the cute little field mice gathering millet for winter fuel.



Sure, they may look cute and fluffy, but there is a whole level of depravity hiding underneath.  I can reveal that it is just a ruse. It's a mask for the seedy underbelly of mouse society which includes prostitution, gambling, and calling people "gay" in a derogatory manner.

The animal kingdom is inaccurately portrayed by the media. Thanks to mammilian sycophants such as Sir David Attenborough, animals are quite literally getting away with murder. Few nature documentaries have catalogued animal-on-animal gang violence. There are many bloody turf wars in Mother Nature's back yard that go virtually undetected by humankind.

After doing some investigative journaliam of my own, I'm ready to blow the lid on the horrendously heinous and downright deplorable criminal antics of the animal kingdom.

For example, I came across a sexually predatory moth. It is quite common for Atlas Moths to slip rohypnol into a rambler's water supply. Just last week a senior school camping trip was interrupted by a discreet rohypnolling, turning the students prone to be fluttered all over. They were found covered in that weird brown goo that moths secrete when you touch them.

Then there's the case of Seamus the lemur (aye-aye to be exact). Seamus was caught embezzling company funds through Borneo, thus avoiding taxes on literally billions of termites he'd excavated from trees. Who do you think has to pay for this shortfall? That's right, taxpayers like you and I. Yet, the courts refuse to prosecute Seamus because he is an "endangered species". Even the almost extinct shouldn't be exempt from the law, in my humble opinion.

Then we move onto the case of the moose that stalked a woman on Facebook. Once, while she was stuck in traffic, the moose stole her phone through an open car window, and Facebook raped her. The posts were illegible since the moose lacked the dexterity and fingers to type correctly, but we can be sure that "ghrhhrh rye hbhfj..rnr..r" which is an exact transcript of his post, is actually moose speak for "give me some of your sweet antler action". Such an invasion of privacy should not go unpunished.


Photofit of the perpetrator

Then we move onto the case of the lions at Knowsley Safari Park, who are running an illegal organ racket on the black market. On my last visit I witnessed two lions tear open a zebra carcass and run off with at least one heart and a liver between them. When I tried to flag this up with the park ranger, I was told to "stay in my vehicle" and promptly banned from the park. It makes me wonder if the keepers were in on the whole scam, perhaps taking a sneaky cut of the profits for their cooperation.

In fact, during my investigations I've noticed that it's not only animals that are involved in such activities. Sometimes they team up with humans to commit atrocities. I've heard reports of mafia bosses ordering people to "sleep with fishes", which constitutes as interspecies prostitution in my book.

I'm sure you all agree that something should be done to halt this animal crimewave. I urge you to write to your MP, member of congress, or the RSPCA and voice your concerns. Together, we can stop the animals.

25 comments:

  1. I love reading your silliness but the white on black lettering drives my eyes crazy.

    Hugs and chocolate,
    Shelly

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    1. I wish there was a way to include different skins, then I could offer a black on white for those having trouble. I'm reluctant to change it from white on black as I have been informed it is "cool". Also, I hate fiddling with templates. I'll see if I can come up with a solution just for you.

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  2. Every day I try to eat as many animals as I can, but I'm only one man. I need more help.

    Also, if you think the mouse that calls people gay in a derogatory manner is bad, I ran into a rabbit that called me a dirty Mexican. That's both ignorant and hurtful. Also, I'm not Mexican. (But I am pretty dirty, in all fairness)

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    1. Rabbits are incredibly racist. A lop-ear at my local pet store called me a "cracka-assed honkey", which upset me deeply. Now I can't go back to store for caving in a rabbit's skull? Who is the real monster here? Not I...

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  3. Not many people realise the fine work that hunters can do in stopping this great evil. They truly are heroes. They endure all the slander and the hate because they alone know the truth.

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    1. I agree, and that's why I made Elmer Fudd my idol. Not a day goes by where I don't peer down the barrel of a shotgun and have it go off in my face.

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  4. Zebras are the worst. They think they can drop the N-word all willy nilly because they're "a little bit black". Just because you have stripes doesn't mean you are free to drop racist slurs on both sides of the spectrum!

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    1. Whereas badgers represent racial peace and harmony by repping both black and white. They never fight, except for mating rights and territory.

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  5. Sorry, but my member of congress doesn't want to hear from me anymore. Put a little artificial sweetener in a letter and everyone comes unglued.

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    1. Hahaha! And who can blame them when you use the vastly inferior Tate & Lyle instead of Splenda?

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  6. Just the other week my two cats held up a liquor store. If it hadn't been for all the free booze they gave me I would have totally turned them in.

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    1. Now you're an accessory to cat burglars! As a good citizen, you need to turn them in, pronto!

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  7. Those sexually predatory moths are bastards! They trick you into thinking that they're all harmless and a bit stupid. Then the next thing you know, you're being rohypnoled and there's pictures of you plastered all over Facebook, in a compromising position with Marvin the Moth. Gits!

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    1. You sound like you're speaking from extensive experience, so I'll defer to your judgement.

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  8. I think we should hunt and eat a few more of them. Well, we would be allowed to do it if PETA didn't throw a fit everytime something stupid happened.

    Wait, it all makes sense now, PETA is a part of their schemes...

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    1. I believe that PETA is actually run by a megalomanic cartel of hamsters who are bent on subjugating the human race.

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  9. I dunno. I think I'd be okay with a moose fraping me. I'm a big fan of meese, and I think they could get away with a lot by taking advantage of that. I might even become a willing accomplice to their cheeky shenanigans.

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    1. You mean that you want to be fraped by a moose? Would you become a fconcubine for a moose? Would you fsuck off a moose?

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    2. Those things are as innocent as they sound, right?

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  10. You have a point with those field mice they look cute indeed but in our old house they loved to scurry about partying late into the night, eventually forcing us from our home. It is a little known fact that mice and there big brothers from the ghetto's the rats (no not us RATs) are buying up houses on the cheap after forcing honest folk out onto the street. I have heard rumour of someone known as King Rat but don't know who it might be, I have heard talk of Prince Charles or Vincent Price but who can tell.

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    1. The world would be a better place if Vincent Price were still alive and living as king of the rats. He could join RATs too. I'd vote for him.

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  11. I KNEW it! People laughed at me when I said I thought I was drugged and that's why I woke up in the bathroom completely naked covered in caterpillars. I told them all I saw a flutter emerge from my anus. I...I'm just happy someone knows my struggle and acknowledges that it's true. It's the first step in making change. Now if only someone would believe me when I tell them how I was stabbed by a wombat addicted to grapefruit when i got too close to its tree.

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    1. That's preposterous. Everyone know wombats aren't real, and if they were, they'd be addicted to cucumbers. I think you're trying to pull the wool over my eyes. You've cried "Dead Grandma" far too often.

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  12. You should see what they get up to here on the farm. It's a good thing when we send them all off to the slaughterhouse. Then they don't cause us anymore trouble.

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    1. I bet farms are like gang hideouts for these career criminal critters. I fear for your safety.

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