Friday 8 November 2013

My Bonfire Night

In lieu of anything funny to write about at the moment (seriously, I'm hitting a massive creative slump at the moment.  If anyone can help me or let me steal their jokes, I'd appreciate it), I thought I'd actually talk to you about my real, actual life, or events within.  Namely, the bonfire night display I attended a couple of days ago.

Now, since I wasn't informed about the Million Mask March that happened across the globe, I ended up at a local fireworks display instead.  The event wasn't put on by the local council or anything.  It was organised and run by the community.  As such, even thought the intentions were there, it was a bit shit.

The advert for the event said that the bonfire would be lit at 5:30, which seemed a little bit early, but nevertheless we endeavoured to arrive on time.  None of that fashionably late business for us.  We usually arrive at things early so that we get first pick of the best food and drink.  So we were at the gate queuing for roughly 5:24 and 32.5 seconds.

The first sign that the evening would go awry should have been plain from the entrance fee.  It was a mere £1.50 for an adult, which seemed like an actual bargain until we gained entry to the grounds.

The field was darker than Ed Gein's little black book.  I always contacted professor Hawking because I thought that light was being sucked out of the universe.  There was 1 children's ride, 1 van selling burgers and hot drinks, and a beer tent which also doubled as a medical pavillion.  You couldn't even get in there because there were a thousand people trying to suck the only Foster's tap dry.  Se we were left to wander around aimlessly in the dark while the DJ pumped out his collection of 3 whole songs on repeat through tinny speakers.

Fireworks: The campest way to blow stuff up


Seriously though, the DJ only had a handful of songs, all of which contained the word "fire".  We had the god of hell fire, your sex is on fire, and some Eminem song where he mentions a fire.  I couldn't believe he missed some of the classic fire-related songs, such as Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire, Danger High Voltage (Fire In The Disco), or Ring Of Fire.  Such classics cannot be ignored.

Regardless, we listened to crappy music in the cold rainy rain until 6:30, when they finally decided to light the bonfire.  Or at least, they lit half the bonfire.  Perhaps it was too soggy by this point, but half the pile refused to burn, or even catch fire.  So we stood and watched the lopsided flames lap at our faces since the wind was blowing it towards the crowd.  Shortly after we got bored of this, an announcement was made to say the fireworks display would be starting in 2 minutes.

At 7:30, the fireworks were on the verge of beginning.  Since there were no lights, the guys running the show just used the headlights from their vans.  A professional outfit this most certainly wasn't.  One of the guys accidentally managed to light a firework while holding it, so had to throw it away where it exploded near some bushes.

Shortly after, the fireworks officially began.  While they meant well, the people putting on the show had clearly overreached themselves.  The display lasted for nearly half an hour on it's own, and some of the fireworks were huge.  They were, however, very cheap, with many of them exploding less than twenty foot in the air.  Some didn't even take off and exploded on the floor.  One particular firework went completely off course and actually hit a member of the crowd.  A spectator was badly injured and had to be lifted to the beer tent for treatment.  A paramedic and an ambulance arrived on the scene shortly.  It turned out to be quite a disaster.  Oh, I also scoulded my mouth on hot chocolate and haven't been able to taste anything for two days.

So it was truly a bonfire night to remember in terms of it's utter shitness.  Remember remember the 5th of November, crap music, injury and hot chocolate.

12 comments:

  1. I get the feeling my comment may have been eaten by the great Google overlords so I'll just make it again. Anyway, as I said, public firework displays can be cool. I guess some can suck though. My family just has a small get together and sets some off. A year or two ago my niece got hit by a firework. Oh how we laughed. It's cool though. It fell over and flew in their general direction before exploding on the wall. She got hit by the burnt out tube.

    As for the Million Mask March; I think a lot of people are even now unaware of it. An actual worldwide protest happens and people are arrested but it doesn't make the news. How 'bout that? I think if something violent had happened they'd have been all over it in seconds.

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    1. I know! The only reason I noticed it is that I saw you tweet about it. It looked like there were thousands of people in London, and yet the only news channel that covered it was Russia Today.

      If it goes ahead next year, I'm up for it.

      Delete
  2. Whenever I hit a creative low, I think about embarrassing moments from my life. There are not shortage of those, from accidental nudity to inadvertently releasing a turd in the bathtub only to notice I was bathing in a poo-soup of my own making when I drained the water.
    But how can you say you're at a creative low when you just came up with my favorite simile of all time "darker than Ed Gein's little black book"?
    Intellectually I know fireworks displays are dumb, but then when I see them, I'm instantly like, "ooooooohhhhh purty colors!" Of course the injured got taken to a beer tent for treatment, what better treatment is there than booze for an injury?

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    1. Hmm, I don't think I've ever bathed in poo stew before. You need to write about that. Seriously, I want to hear every nuance of that story.

      As for the simile, at least there was one funny thing in here.

      Delete
  3. Oh, boy, the nefarious activities that accompany small town fairs. My girlfriend was slightly burned by a firework that went off on the ground, nothing that caused a scar or permanent injury. I was unharmed as my method of using her as a human shield proved infallible. But, seeing as I'm at a creative low, I'm going to mimmick your post with a recent account of my own at a location of public entertainment.

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    1. Yes, do it! Any post by Chiz is a good post, in my opinion.

      That story about your girlfriend reminds me of the time I went to Paris for New Year. I might write about that actually.

      Delete
  4. So a great opportunity to play Earth Wind and Fire was missed. I once helped to do the family firework display, it started well enough with a big fire and a comfortable large sofa to both watch the display and then throw on the fire, great as long as you don't stand downwind in the rather toxic fumes as it burns with flames 50ft into the air.

    But I was given the job of lighting the first rocket (a cheap rocket), which went about twenty feet up turned in a sharp U turn and propelled itself into the large box containing all the other fireworks. It was a short display lasting all of one minute but everyone did say WOW and is still one of the best and most chaotic displays I have ever seen even if it did involve a certain amount of hiding behind the large sofa, which in turn was burnt early, as result of a shorter than anticipated firework display....

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    1. You weren't running the display I was at, were you?

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  5. Living where I live, which very much the middle of nowhere, there were no fireworks, or bonfires. We usually run out of stuff to burn around this time of year what with people killing their families and household pets and then burning down their homes due to massive amounts of money laundering and/or debts piling up. It really makes the front page of the local paper makes Midsummer Murders look like an Alan Bennett monologue.
    Other than that, in respect of the beginning of your post, if you want to "do a thing" together, you know my email address. I'm sure we cook something up..... just not biscuit related this time yea?

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    1. I think our biscuit wars nearly tore the Blogging.community in two last time.

      I can't really think of anything to do. If you have any particular ideas then please let me know. Otherwise, let me have a think and I'll get back to you.

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  6. I didn't stop laughing throughout this whole post, it reminds me of so many shitty shitty bonfire nights I've had. xx

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    1. Reading the phrase "shitty shitty bonfire" reminds me of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

      Oh yeah Shitty Shitty Bonfire, Shitty Shitty Bonfire we love you.

      Delete

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