Monday 21 April 2014

R – Real Estate Agent

When I was 9, as many young children do, I had a sleepover at my best friend’s house.  My friend told me to treat his house as though it were my own, so I sold it on Craigslist.  It seemed that even from an early age, I was destined to become an estate agent.

I hear there’s a lot of money in property these days.  Mainly in old people’s properties as they tend to hide money in cookie jars, drawers, under floorboards, and in giant, floor-standing penny jars.  Trying to help yourself to these items might be considered “illegal” in some provinces (please, always check with your local police department before attempting to relieve pensioners of their money/belongings), so I decided to take a safer route through the property market by selling houses.

I found out that the correct term for a person who sells accommodation is a “real estate agent”.  I figured that I ought to try and become one, especially since I’ve been operating as a fake estate agent for many years.  Very few people had yet to purchase a flat in my flagship stacked-box tower block.  The hobos complained that it was spoiling the skyline, and that the high-rise, high-density living it introduced was destroying the sense of community.  Trendy, unsociable, commuter hobos were moving in and pushing rental prices higher, until the whole thing was washed away by a light drizzle.  Due to this experience, I figured that becoming a real estate agent would be might give me the credibility I deserved.

The first couple of people I showed around didn’t seem too impressed by my sales skills.  Everyone knows that estate agents bend the truth a little, but when we walked into a squalid, 1 bedroom hell-hole fit only for ritual sacrifice, they didn’t seem too impressed when I told them it was a luxurious mansion, made of gold, and came with 17 butlers who will queue up to give you hand relief in the morning.  The leaking toilet was a state-of-art swimming facility, and the dead cow that was attracting flies in the bedroom was a lively nightspot with local amenities.

This house even has a dedicated Antler Room

It seems that my white lies were not selling houses.  I was doing everything right, and yet, my sales figures were lower than the number of honest MP expenses claims.  It was obvious that the quality of the houses were at fault.  That night, I set about improving the houses in my local area.

The current occupants weren’t very pleased when I began bug spraying their homes without warning.  People like men in uniform, but the large murals of Rudolf Hess I painted on some of the houses didn’t seem to appeal to everyone.  The Smiths seemed outright angry when I burned an image of the Compare The Market meerkat on their front lawn.  I was trying to make the houses on my route more appealing to the mass market, and yet my neighbours seemed to be concerned by a “trail of vandalism” that someone had created.  There were tears, shouting and lots of finger-pointing, and yet, I didn’t receive any credit for my work.  In fact, the neighbours were threatening vigilante justice against the perpetrator. 

They began to wonder why my house was the only one unaffected.  Accusations soon followed, so I had to sell my house and move away.  I was very proud that I had made my first sale, but decided that perhaps the real estate game wasn’t for me.

14 comments:

  1. Maybe a real estate agent isn't your game, but companies like Starbucks and Target should hire you to gentrify neighborhoods. It seems like you might have a knack for driving people from their homes.

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    Replies
    1. I have a knack for uniting neighbourhoods to drive me out of my home.

      Delete
  2. I would totally buy a house with the Compare the Market Meerkat on a lawn. That would be so awesome. I stayed over at a friend's house and they told me to make myself at home. The next day I was greeted with tons of gossip about how slovenly I was. I almost wish I had sold the bastards house on Craigslist. I don't know if it existed back then.

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    Replies
    1. When people say "make yourself at home" they should be careful. I tend to howl at the moon all night and perform ritual sacrifice.

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  3. Whenever I see that some old guy is on vacation, I break into his house, put all of his things out on the lawn, and sell them to people under the guise that he was my dead grandpa and we're just trying to pay for the funeral.

    In other words, this is why I stick with estate sales. Cash only means no paper trail.

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  4. I believe the best Estate Agents are devious, dishonest, heartless, and have a killer insect (sorry instinct) that means they can walk away from any situation smiling and happy at a job well done. Even when they have sold a poor little disabled granny a condemned derelict for three times what it is worth. I really think you should have another go I'm sure you would be great. . . .

    Oooo one small query Sir Aadman (sorry Addman . . .to many aardvarks, silly A to Z) . . That antler room; it appears to have a Polar Bear in it, do they have antlers . . .That Life on Earth program was rubbish.

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    Replies
    1. Polar bears have antlers, but the Illuminati cut them off before they appear on camera. It's all part of their scheme..

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  5. A salesman who lies is perfect for the business...or politics. I'd vote for you.

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    Replies
    1. Shame I'm not allowed to run since that unfortunate kneecapping incident.

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  6. It all depends if you turned a profit or not. I don't really know what that means, but I hear people who have money say stuff like that.

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    Replies
    1. Surely if you turn a profit, you turn it into a loss. I don't know money.

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  7. Thank you for sharing the information.

    I would like to inform that I have recently came across a site called brian hero who is providing the service in real estate since 1990 and is licensed real estate broker in the State of Florida.
    Point Of Americas Condos For Sale

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those condos smell like shit. DON'T BUY THESE CONDOS EVERYONE!

      Delete

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