Monday 5 May 2014

Addman’s Dining Etiquette Tips

Hello, how positively delightful to receive you in my boudoir, dear reader.  No doubt you have clicked upon my hypertext link in order to fully educate thineself in the delicate balance of polite dining etiquette.  Consider me your coach, lord, and saviour when it comes to table manners and correct dinner party discipline.  If you follow my guidelines, your social standing will increase, and no amount of ambassador’s receptions shall keep you from any Ferrero Rocher.  You are cordially invited to observe the following fine dining rules:

•    Gentlemen are not allowed to sit down at the table if a lady is present.  All males must remain standing throughout the entire meal until the lady leaves the room, or if she initiates opposite day.

•    Fish courses must be eaten in a counter clockwise fashion.

•    If salad is served on a Tuesday, it is customary to eat it with your spoon.  Wednesdays constitute forks.  Thursdays require chopsticks. On Fridays, the salad has to be inserted in the mouth of the person sitting to your left hand side.

•    Pre-dinner prayers are encouraged and will win favour with fellow guests.  Pagan chanting is acceptable. Bloodletting and pentagrams are frowned upon.

•    You must not begin your meal until the host has swallowed his first mouthful.  The host must show the interior of his mouth to the guests (including underneath his tongue) to prove that the food has been swallowed.

•    It is perfectly acceptable to bring your own dining apparatus with you.  Such items may include a Soup Slicer, Fish Squeezer, or Meat Jug.

A photograph of me, last week.


•    When selecting utensils, always work from the outside in.  Finished utensils must be placed on the dinner plate at 27.8 degree angle, otherwise your plate shall not be collected and your next course shall not be provided.  Anything less is savagery.

•    You must refrain from using your fingers in any capacity during the meal.  Fingers are the devil’s digits which tempt us to touch ourselves inappropriately.  As such, do not eat food with your fingers, point at people, or hold cutlery with your fingers under any circumstance.

•    If served with sprouts, this is a subtle hint from the host that he hates you and wants you to leave.

•    Any opinions expressed at the dinner table by a member of the working class must be greeted with uproarious laughter, before a swift beating is laid out upon the perpetrator.  Although, if you are attending a dinner party when serfs are present, you strongly need to reconsider the type of company you keep.

•    If Mozart is playing during dinner, one may initiate a sports topic for polite conversation. If Verdi is playing, one may discuss classic literature.  Bach equals fine art, and Rachmaninov equals dogging.

By following these guidelines, you will ensure that you are the belle of the ball.  Incidentally, if anyone would like to attend one of my illustrious events, I’m holding one this weekend.  You are cordially invited to wait on us and serve wine throughout the evening, as long as you keep your mouth shut.

22 comments:

  1. Ah, so many rules! I fear I shall never be a proper guest. Though I am heartened that I may initiate Pagan chanting before the meal, however disappointed to realize I have not been taking the queues to leave after being served bean sprouts. Wait, is it bean sprouts, alfalfa sprouts, or sprouts of all varieties which ought be taken as a notice to vacate the premises?

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    1. Brussels sprouts are the ones to watch for. If your host serves you bean sprouts, it means you are invited to perform a charming ditty on a viola for 15 minutes between courses.

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  2. I don't go out for dinner much at other people's houses. These sound like some fun rules that do inspire me to go out more, but they also sound so numerous and complicated. I don't know if I could keep up with all of them and I certainly wouldn't want to be thought of as an uncouth blaggard.

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    1. If you think that you might commit a social faux pas, the best thing to do is err on the side of caution and become a hermit. Never venture out lest people sneer at you and your uncivilized demeanor.

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  3. This is why I eat alone.

    Last time I went to a fancy dinner, I left my finished utensil at a 28.1 degree angle and all hell broke loose. There WAS bloodletting.

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    1. You barbarian! I don't know how you cope in the real world, I really don't.

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  4. I was at a host's residence for dinner just last week. It was Thursday, and he served a salad. One might expect him to lay out a pair of chopsticks, but unfortunately, that was no the case. The filthy barbarian served the salad with a fork! I swiftly caught the side of his face with my glove, but realized my own wrongdoing in using my fingers to grip the fabric, so I dismissed myself from the dining hall and committed seppuku in the front yard.

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    1. All of your actions were appropriate and correct for the situation. However, I hope that when your honourably killed yourself on the lawn, you didn't spill your innards over your host's garden. If you did, you might not get invited back again.

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  5. I bring my meat jug with me everywhere. I just don't trust the meat jug of a stranger. Also, while on the topic of the devil's digits, I saw a man eating a donut yesterday, and he was NOT eating that donut with a knife and fork, so I spat on him. Savage.

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    1. Yes, a meat jug is a versatile utility that can be used in a variety of situations. I can;t think of any examples, but rest assured that it is an essential utensil.

      By the way, what's a donut?

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  6. I am a great fan of Straws particularly those novelty ones in the shape of a hedgehog, can I bring those, and you dont mention plates are there fine bone china monogrammed plates or is it the Millets Plastic Camping Set that you made me use last time, sat outside in the car park in the rain . . . . piled high in sprouts. . . . . . . . .

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    1. The plates must be made of reconstituted rhino horn. Each plate must be monogrammed by the Duke and Duchess of Winchester, and carried to the table by a freshly-washed shrew. All cutlery must be made of the same stuff they make Faberge eggs out of.

      Curly straws are acceptable.

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    2. I will go in search of a Horny Monogrammed Dukes Plate.

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  7. "Anything less is savagery" aaaaahahahaha. I might print this out and put it on the break room wall at work x

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    1. "Please make sure you wash your cutlery after use. Anything less is savagery"

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  8. Replies
    1. A meat jug is one of those items that, if you deserve to use one, then you already know. If you don't know about meat jugs, then you obviously aren't of requisite social standing to use one.

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  9. I want this as a poster for my dining room, on fancy parchment paper. It shall be framed.

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    1. The frame must be no less than five inches thick, golden, and displayed prominently above the diners. Anything less suggests that you don't have the resources to showcase it correctly, and allows guests to rip it from it's place and smear it with excrement.

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  10. These rules are all pretty common knowledge if you ask me. What I want to know is, what is the proper way to excuse yourself from a dinner when you're pretty sure your host is going to murder you?

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    1. There is no polite way in those circumstances. You just have to let it happen. You'd rather die than have people think badly of you, wouldn't you?

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  11. I have broken every one of those rules, except seven, even I never break seven. And that is why I am not allowed out of the cellar.

    Very funny stuff!

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