Friday 20 June 2014

E3 2014

The Electronics Entertainment Expo took place in Los Angeles last week (Muppets For Justice is nothing if not timely and relevant). This is the trade show for the video games industry, and boy were there some big announcements this year! Allow me to summarise the biggest game announcements that you might have missed:

Tiger Madden's Pro Kickball HD 2015

The popular Tiger Madden franchise adds the word "pro" to the title this year, adding a career mode and realistic turf physics. This means that the grass will react when you step on it by flattening down and going slightly brown. You can restore your turf's greenness through a mini game where you play a groundskeeper who has to water and trim the turf between matches.

Remake Simulator

Have you ever wanted to replay your old games and pay £20 for the privilege? Well now you can with Remake Simulator. Just fire up the game and you will be presented with a fully HD screen asking you to insert your old game CD. Brilliant!

Moodie

Moodie is grim, indie, 8-bit adventure which makes great use of the colour black. Lots of moody things happen such as lamps that won't turn on, wind noises spontaneously emerging, and an ongoing internal monologue about the bleakness of human existence. There are no enemies and no combat in this game, just lots of walking through caves and abandoned buildings. The game ends with Morrissey singing Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now.



Hyper Ironic Awesome Boys

Another indie darling which strives to be as over the top as possible, with hulking space marines hoisting unwieldy cannons around, blasting aliens and screaming "Hells Yeah" and "Yolo" every time you press a button. Explosions literally have the word "BOOM" in them, and are accompanied with slow mo and camera zooms. Don't worry though, the developers are being ironic, so it's okay to be this crass.

Battlecall 12

Are you a white male aged 18-30 who has power fantasies about being a white male aged 18-30 in a war? Well look no further than Battlecall 12. Set during the Falklands War, you can duel wield chainguns and make puns while slaughtering your teammates in online deathmatch.

Teabagger 2

Following on from the success of Teabagger, Teabagger 2 has a variety of opponents for you to squat over and "own".  The game is full of celebrity tie ins, allowing you to successfully teabag famous faces such as Pierce Brosnan, Kevin Spacey, and Ice Cube. You can buy the Snoop Dogg DLC voiceover pack, where you'll hear Snoop commentate your teabagging experience with choice phrases such as "shit son, you teabizzled his chizzle".

And there you have it. Lot's of great games to keep the whole family numb over the upcoming Christmas period. Start saving your money, and we'll see you online shortly!

15 comments:

  1. Video games are such a waste. If I played video games I wouldn't have time to spend untold hours reading articles about video games on the internet. Also, my hate for Morrissey knows no bounds. I love the Smiths, but hate, hate, hate, Morrissey. He should get ironically blown away by ironic 18-30 year olds.

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    1. Very true. Video games take away valuable time from passively staring at a screen watching soap operas, reality TV, and shows about pregnant 16 year olds. They also take away time that could be spent hating Morrissey.

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  2. I'm really excited for Lose Control. A horror game where the controller configuration is so absurd, that you have no choice but to get captured by a monster and watch the cut-scene of your character being ripped the shreds. I can't wait to get cornered in a room by a chainsaw wielding maniac while I try to get my character to navigate through a door frame.

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    1. That reminds me of my favourite horror game, Slender Spotter. Basically, the entire premise of the game is to try and notice Slenderman easter eggs hidden in the background of the game.

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  3. I'm kind of surprised Teabagger isn't a real game. You'd think I'd be more interested in E3 given how much I love games, but I'm really not. I'm not even that interested in new games anymore because it just means "new sequels" and, as you joked, remakes of old ones. I'm certainly not interested in all the self gratification and circle jerking that goes on there either, both by the companies and the fans.

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    1. There's a whole load of bollocks coming out at the moment. The best looking game at the moment is No Man's Sky. Other than that, E3 showed very little else of interest.

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  4. I really think its time that someone came up with a game called Electronics Entertainment Expo which takes place in Los Angeles. The great thing about the game is you get to test all the games and dont have the expense of going to Los Angeles. You can even be a VIP and get followed by game geeks and multinational executives who eagerly await how you rate their games. Just like the real event only better.

    Man I'm a genius at times. . . . . . . . . .

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    1. That would be great. I will pay you the tidy sum of £11.65 to create and publish this title.

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    2. I will be round to collect in soon. . . . all used notes if you can.....

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  5. hmm i saw some interesting pictures from E3, although I can't say any of those above games particularly interest me.

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    1. Well you saw more interesting stuff than I did. E3 looks like loud, boring mess these days.

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  6. OOooOooOoOOOOoooH I've always wanted to be an 18-30 year old in the Falklands War! Mainly so I can make puns about Falkers. The joy of that has been reduced by Ben Stiller's Meet the Fockers series of movies.
    I thought I saw an ad for Battletoads Versus Earthworm Jim game. No?

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    1. I like that.

      Meet The Falkers: Ben Stiller travels to a remote island off of the Argentine coast and learns how to farm poorly on rocky terrain.

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  7. I've been waiting for Teabagger 2 since it was announced last September. It truly is a gamechanger in the video game world x

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    1. Gamechanger? Do you think this is the time and the place for puns? Because you'd be absolutely right.

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