-Hello, and welcome to 999, the number one destination
for the sick, dying and easily panicked.
Please select the type of emergency service you require. Press 1 for the police, 2 for an ambulance, 3
for the fire service, 4 for the AA, 5 for the coast guard, 6 for the inland
guard, or 7 for mummy.
-You have selected 2 for an ambulance. Is this correct? Press 1 to confirm or 2 to cancel.
-You have selected 1 to confirm. Is this correct? Press 1 to confirm or 2 to-
-You have selected 1.
Connecting you to the emergency ambulance service.
*Hold music: Blue Oyster Cult – Don’t Fear The Reaper*
-You have been connected to the emergency ambulance. Please press 1 to continue.
-Thank you. In
order to determine the nature of your problem and tailor our service to suit
you, please tell us the nature of your emergency. Press 1 if you have been stabbed. Press 2 if your chest is tight and your left
arm is numb. Press 3 if you have been
involved in a hit and run. Press 4 if your
penis has been removed in a jealous rage. Press 5 if-
-You have accidentally inserted a broom handle into your
urethra. Is this correct? Press 1 to confirm or 2 to cancel.
-You have cancelled.
Are you sure that you haven’t inserted a broom handle into your
urethra? Press 1 to confirm or 2 cancel.
-You have pressed 1 to confirm. Are you trying to confirm the cancellation,
or confirming that you have a broom handle in your urethra? Press 1 to confirm or 2 to cancel.
-Thank you. In
order to determine the nature of your problem and tailor our service to suit
you, please tell us the nature of your emergency. Press 1 if you have been stabbed. Press 2 if your chest is-
-You have selected heart attack. Is this correct? Press 1 to confirm or 2 to cancel.
-Thank you. Would
you like an ambulance as soon as possible?
Press 1 to confirm or 2 to-
-Thank you. We are
currently triangulating your position and sending an ambulance over as soon as
possible. While you wait, would you like
to try some troubleshooting steps to stop you from dying? Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.
-You have selected yes.
Please wait…
*Hold music: Elton John & Kiki Dee – Don’t Go
Breaking My Heart*
-Hello, you have been transferred to the automated emergency
first aid line. To confirm that you are
in need of first aid, please press the # key.
If you are calling because your fingers have been hacked off in a
threshing accident, simply emit a blood-curdling scream now…
-Thank you. Due to
the nature of your call, we would suggest that you lie down on your back and
breathe deeply. Please try this and
press # when complete.
-Did this help?
Press 1 for yes and 2 for no.
-You have selected no.
Would you like to hear some soothing music? Press 1 for yes and 2 for no.
-You have selected yes, please wait…
*Hold music: Moby –
Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad*
-Did this help?
Press 1 for yes and 2 for no.
-You have selected no.
In that case, is there someone nearby who can perform CPR? Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.
-You have selected no.
Are you going to die alone? Press
1 for yes or 2 for no.
-You have selected yes.
There, there. Hang in there
buddy. Do you feel comforted? Press 1 for yes or 2 for no……….press 1 for
yes or 2 for no………..no input received …
-Your call will now be disconnected. Thank you for calling 999.
