Zoo keepers are respectable men and women who look after
animals with little to no regard for themselves. But who keeps the zoo keepers? Spotting a gap in the market, I decided this
is something I should pursue, with tranquiliser darts and nets. Soon enough, I had amassed a modest
collection of zoo keepers.
When they regained consciousness, the keepers didn’t seem
too enamoured with their enclosure. I
gave them plenty of fresh hay and a few tyres to swing on, and yet they kept rattling
the bars and screaming for help. I
couldn’t charge admission for this attraction, not when the keepers were
aggressive to point of spitting at me whenever I walked past the
enclosure. I was keen to cover the cage
in airtight Perspex, but one of the keepers informed me that they would
suffocate, and he should know, being an expert keeper and everything. Taking his professional advice, I decided
against suffocation and opted to improve their enclosure to avoid spittle.
I found a few chew toys at my local Pets At Home store that
I thought might keep the keepers entertained.
Although the keepers didn’t take too kindly to these squeaky toys, they
did stop spitting so much due to acute dehydration. With one problem solved, I opened my
attraction to the public.
Attendance was slow to begin with. I don’t think the general populace quite
understood the concept of zoo keeper keeping.
So I decided to do what any zoo in trouble would do; breed my animals.
Luckily, I had captured a male and two females, so I didn’t
think I’d have any problems. Lock people
up together for long enough and they’ll soon start breeding. Just look at the prison system for
proof. However, I didn’t have time to
wait for nature to take its course. To
try and speed things along a little bit, I spiked their drinking water with red
wine, then played some romantic music into the enclosure. Everyone knows that Barry White is the
lubricant of love, but I didn’t have any, so I decided to try a bit of
Rammstein instead. It caused violent
judders in my subjects, but not the kind of naked, mating judders that I was
hoping for. It seemed that the zoo
keepers weren’t going to mate successfully, so I would have to resort to
drastic measures.
 |
| These two look like a promising breeding pair |
After speaking to Beijing Zoo about their panda breeding
programme, they told me that their success is mainly down to artificial
insemination. I gave it a go, but found
it to be incredibly difficult. Have you
ever tried to extract semen from a zoo keeper?
There was a lot of scratching, blood, and screaming, and I failed to get
a single drop from the whole encounter.
Unfortunately, the zoo keepers overpowered me when I entered the
enclosure and escaped, and they locked me in here as they left. It’s not so bad actually. I’ve got my tyre swing and all the wine I can
drink. Later, I think I might extract
some semen. It’s not such a bad life in
here.
