Friday, 2 August 2013

Throngar's Mighty Personal Brand

Greetings, puny subjects.  I am Throngar, son of Grongar, high prince of the Gammon Kingdom.   When I’m not leading my vast armies into glory on the battlefield, I’m usually perfecting my personal brand.  That’s what I’m here to talk to you about today.

You see, brand awareness is an important aspect of any genocidal warlord’s life.  They say that half the battle is won in the mind, so it is always a great idea to promote yourself as a guy who shouldn’t be trifled with.  Opponents will always feel the weariness of war before you take out their intestines and wear them as trendy scarves.  But how do you build up a personal brand, I hear you ask?  Well, there’s several methods through which you can achieve this.

A terrified man reacts to my overwhelming personal brand


Always be memorable.  That’s my main philosophy.  When I enter the battlefield, I don’t just tiptoe up to first guy whispering “shussssh” and try to chloroform him with a particularly sweaty pig.  No, I stride into view like a man who belongs there, shouting about my huge bollocks and how I can swing them around to slay bears.  Sometimes I like to arrive on the battlefield whilst riding a wave of enemy skulls.  I’ve pinned an extra five legs onto my horse to make it look more demonic.  You really need to work on your showmanship if you are going to be a successful warlord.

Fire is always a good framing tool for your military campaigns.  Leave a long, snaking trail of fire through the paths of destruction you cause.  This looks especially impressive at night and serves as free advertising.  This works even better if you can spell your name in ten foot high flames on any monument or civic structure you come across.

Also, chisel yourself a large collection of business stones.  These should include your name, a means of contact, and a short slogan such as “Pillaging You Everyday”.  Give these out to survivors and tell them how much you value their custom, or else you’ll eat their first born.  Thank them for being passive in crowning you their high king.  I tell you, a village in which you’ve already canvassed for support is far easier to rape.

There’s also a pioneering technique that I like to use called “social networking”.  What this means is that you scratch messages into carrier pigeons (no more than 140 characters.  Keep it simple, stupid!) that people can like.  It helps your followers keep abreast of the latest gossip and mass murders you’ve committed and really helps to spread the word.

With these handy hints you’ll have constructed a positive personal brand to wow your friends with in no time.  Just remember where to send those loyalty gold pieces to, or else you’ll be receiving a rather stern business card from me shortly.  Fare thee well, hombres!

16 comments:

  1. Finally, I know what I've been doing wrong in all my pillaging. What if I glue a single horn to the forehead of my white horse, would that be intimidating? I guess my habit of soiling myself during battle isn't the best way to become memorable.

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    1. The horn is a good idea. If you can paint rainbows on it as well, you'll have a ferocious unicorn on your hands.

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  2. I do actually always enjoy leaving trails of flames behind me when I make my way through a village. Whether or not I'm pillaging doesn't really matter. I just really love me some fire. I am interested in improving my personal brand though so I'll take these tips to heart.

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    1. I'd be careful about leaving trails of fire everywhere. You'd never be able to go into the fireworks store for a start. No, better save it for the pillaging.

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  3. I'm particularly keen of billboards. You can spread brand awareness by tearing the bills off of ducks and jabbing them into a plank of wood. You can arrange them any way you like in order to get your message across.

    I like these techniques. I'll be sure to employ them all so that the name Fragladar will soon be world-reknowned.

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    1. That's a fantastic idea. Ducks bills could act as braille too, so even the blind can now be terrified by your deeds.

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  4. I've been working at developing my brand. While your advice is questionable, at least it's timely.

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    1. I always try to stay on top of the latest trends. Like have you heard the latest buzzword, YOLO? It stands for You Only Like Odin.

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  5. Interesting. I'm going to try out some of these tips with my blog. Especially for when it's raping villages.

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    1. Your blog rapes villages? Nice work!

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  6. I have noticed that one small setback to the use of Stone business stones is that placing one in an old bottle of rum and setting on its way out to sea always results in breakage or sinking or both. I for one have moved to Velum (no not the town) if you ask me this is the future of writing. Stones are the past, the writing as they say is on the wall for stone.

    Talking of Scratch pigeons have you seen the ones that you can win prizes on, you apparently have to get three ogres in a row and you win a stone.... there rubbish

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    1. What's wrong Rob, ain't got the stones?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

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  7. Lovely symbolism there of scratching messages into pigeons to get the word out! I know you are adept at that ;) I just need tips now on blog design....its ok, i'll wait!

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    1. Blogs?! The mighty Throngar would never be seen dead on a Blog!

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  8. There is some really excellent advice in here, thank you, but I'm afraid I must take exception with the bird thing. That part is just stupid. 140 characters? There is no possibility of any real communication with only 140 characters. Conversations would surely devolve into vapid narcissistic rants. Any society that embraced this bird communication would be shallow beyond belief and assuredly doomed. Or my name isn't Genghis Khan.

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    1. I was skeptical at first but brevity is an asset these days. That's why I'm going to cut my posts sho-

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