Monday, 13 February 2012

Valentine's Day

Valentine’s, the most sexual of holidays, is upon us. I can always tell because this time of year has an adverse effect on those of the feminine persuasion. For some reason that I haven’t quite fathomed yet, they become sexually aggressive around this time of year.

It’s not like I’m asking for this attention. I’m not exactly wearing buttless leather chaps and a t shirt that says “get it here”. If I were single I’d welcome the advances of young women, but as I’m not, I live in constant fear that my girlfriend might think that I am bringing this on myself.

For example, at the train station this morning I stopped for a coffee and a cookie (as part of a nutritious breakfast). As I went to the till to pay for my items, the young lady prodded at the cash register a few times, then smiled politely and said “Sorry I pressed the wrong button”, then proceeded to charge me less for my items, saving me £1 in total. This was totally unacceptable. Blatant flirting on this scale is an attack on me and my human rights. I have the right to purchase coffee and cookies with money, and not be expected to make up the shortfall in sexual favours, as she was obviously proposing.  In retaliation, I overturned her little coffee stand and threw her cash register into the path of an oncoming train. That’ll teach her for sexually assaulting me!

Then, when I boarded the train, a lady came by and asked to see my ticket. When I handed over said ticket, she smiled broadly and told me to have a nice journey. A nice journey? What, with you? To the bathroom? Not a chance! I smashed the emergency glass and demanded to be let off this instant, before she raped me. Many people were angry that I caused the train to stop and delayed their working day, but what they fail to realise is that I was almost a victim of a violent crime. The train company told me that I couldn’t ride their service again, and tried to charge me £50 for improper use. I decided I’d fight this fine in court.

The symbol of fear!

After I walked all the way back into town, I went to my lawyer’s office to discuss my options. After steering clear of the women on reception (who were no doubt hornier than a rhino-skin pin cushion), I was horrified to learn that my lawyer also possessed ovaries. At any other time of year I wouldn’t have a problem with this, but she was obviously on the prowl by the way she pulled out a chair for me and patted the seat, inviting me into her lair. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and sat down, but my initial trust was soon shattered as she told me I had an “interesting case”. What is that, some kind of disgusting euphemism?

In my panic I accidentally threw a chair at the window and tried to escape through it. The lawyer was shouting for help; obviously calling for backup from the reception girls. Who knows what they would have done to me. I ran across the nearby fields and lived feral for the next two hours, until I heard a siren in the distance.

Hoping for assistance, I ran into the road and began waving my arms to flag down the passing police car. As it pulled over, a female police officer got out, tackled me to the ground and put me in handcuffs. If it wasn’t for her burly male colleague who picked me up and bundled me into the police car, I’d have been at her depraved mercy.

Thankfully, I got to spend the night in the cells away from molestation at the hands of these women. I met some nice people in prison. One chap called Carl kept cuddling me to comfort me after my ordeal. Then he had me bend over and he gave me an injection in my bum, which would ward off any potential lady rapists. He had to do it again and again for about 10 minutes before he managed to discharge the medicine from his thick, warm syringe. Still, at least it’s all over for another year.


  1. Whew... What a close call for you! Thank goodness Carl 'vaccinated' you.

  2. What horrors you haved lived through. they should do a chairty single to highlight your plight. but dont let them get the spice girls to do it or that lass with the hair and lips.

    I dont think there is any place for women with their hands and hips and - dare i say it - bussoms! yuky!

  3. Those wanton hussies. Harlots even.

  4. OMG! Bless Carl, what an angel!
    I hope the vaccine scar Carl gave you, will not damage you for life.
    But then again, I hope does.

    Bwahahahaha! (evil, sinister croaky whiskey/soda female laughter)

  5. It's muppets. They can't resist muppets. And do you do a lot of housework, like cook and clean and stuff at home? Women can sense that if you do. They can't resist it

  6. Stay strong my brother. Those, those man-thirsty Skanula's were no doubt about to suck out your essence. Not the fun way either. You reacted the 100% correct way. I bet some sneezed in your general direction too! What is an irresistible slab of man to do!?!

  7. No witty quips this time. Just wanted to say, that you are absolutely brilliant!

  8. It's amazing...almost the exact opposite happens to around this time of year. Normally, due to my abnormally good looks and super human sexual prowess, I'm seen as a sexual demigod to women.

    Yet, this time of year finds my regularly over worked penis with out it's steady copious supply of easily had vagina's. It's a conundrum to be sure.

    Though, I do find the time that would normally be devoted to pleasuring multiple women, on my immaculately crafted Italian sex swing, to be easily filled with a glass of cheap wine and a good book. Rare is the day that I can spend an entire afternoon un-accosted by troves of loose and easy women demanding sex from my freakishly large penis. So, when these days do come a long , I see it as nice, quiet, quality "me" time.

  9. @Kevin - Carl taught me how to vaccinate other people, so if you ever need one just let me know.

    @Bumferry - The Spice Girls wouldn't do a charity single, they'd be the subject of a charity single.

    @Flip - I'd go further and call them "Satan's Succubi", but I have a court order that says that I shouldn't.

    @Psycho - Thanks, I guess. Wait, are you trying to use your feminine charms on me? Back, devil! Back I say!

    @Greg - Do women also like it when you cry a lot? I always cry after sex. I just hate the thought of sending all those little sperms to their deaths. It's like Battle Royale; millions go in, but only one survives.

    @Pickleope - You feel my pain brother. We should start a school called "Addman and Pickleope's Academy For Ridiculously Good Looking Men Who Are Subject To The Devious Machinations Of Depraved Females". Or we could sit in a bomb shelter until this blows over. I have Buckaroo with only two pieces missing, which should help us pass the time.

    @Lily - Thanks Lily, although I do enjoy witty quips. Can I order some up for next time please?

    @Elton - Come on pal, that's obviously a complete fabrication. I don't believe you in the slightest. I mean, read a book? We all know you'll be watching reality TV and playing Skyrim all day, before turning back to your regular lovemaking schedule.

  10. Wow! I am so glad you suggested I read this on my help forum. I'm not sure anything on the internet has ever made me laugh as hard as this. Thanks for that!

    Nettie the NotHipster.

    1. Thank you. Feel free to follow my blog, and tell all your friends about me. I crave attention, so for me it's either writing on the Internet, or starting fires.

  11. I wish I could say I feel bad for you. Dude, you've got to lay off the Spanish Fly aftershave.

    1. Yeah I know. It's difficult to catch enough flies to extract a full bottle's worth.


Leave me a nice comment or die trying.