Monday, 23 September 2013
Rate My Sexual Ability
Thank for choosing Addman as your sexual partner of choice. In a world of almost endless options when it comes to sexual congress, I am honoured that you have chosen me. I hope that your experience was positive and thoroughly enjoyable throughout.
As I consider this to be a service, I was hoping that you would take a short survey detailing your experience. Your feedback is very important to me, not as a badge of honour but as a learning exercise. Please answer the following questions as honestly as possible, and thank you in advance:
1) First Impressions. Were you:
A) Bowled over by my impeccable dress sense, outstanding wit and buckets of charm.
B) Impressed by my time-keeping abilities and politeness.
C) Horrified by my pornographic t shirt which pointed at my crotch and said “To begin pumping, lift nozzle”.
2) How was the location for our date?
A) A classy establishment that you never thought you’d be rich enough to dine in, let alone be treated to.
B) Nice atmosphere, friendly place, good fun all round.
C) Crunchy underfoot as the floor was littered with teeth.
3) How was the date as a whole?
A) Oh my god! The best ever! I’m haemorrhaging through laughter.
B) It went smoothly. I couldn’t ask for much more.
C) I’ve had better times at waxing parlours.
4) What made you decide to come home with me?
A) How could I resist? I couldn’t wait to get those clothes off.
B) You seemed interesting and I was horny.
C) I thought it would be impolite not to.
5) When lovemaking commenced, how did you find it?
A) An absolute blast. Highly recommended.
B) An enjoyable time was had by all.
C) At least the smell of garlic on your breath would ward off any night prowlers.
6) Did I treat you to my signature move “The Tarzan”?
A) Yes. Oh my holy good lord, yes!
C) Tarzan? More like Mowgli!
7) How would you describe the overall experience?
A) Once in a lifetime. Never had better, never will.
B) Jolly good.
C) An interesting study on my own low standards.
8) Last but not least, how were the amenities at my house?
A) Clean, tidy, welcoming, beautifully and tastefully decorated.
B) Working toilet and shower were in order.
C) These possum bites don’t seem to be healing.
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. The results will be posted onto an external database, correlated with sexual habits, and processed to give me an overall score out of ten. I plan to use this as a talking point on my CV.
As an extra incentive, everyone who enters this survey will be put into a prize draw to win a love token. The holder is entitled to a free session with me. Use it wisely.