Monday 23 September 2013

Rate My Sexual Ability


Dear user,

Thank for choosing Addman as your sexual partner of choice.  In a world of almost endless options when it comes to sexual congress, I am honoured that you have chosen me.  I hope that your experience was positive and thoroughly enjoyable throughout.

As I consider this to be a service, I was hoping that you would take a short survey detailing your experience.  Your feedback is very important to me, not as a badge of honour but as a learning exercise.  Please answer the following questions as honestly as possible, and thank you in advance:


1)  First Impressions.  Were you:

A)  Bowled over by my impeccable dress sense, outstanding wit and buckets of charm.
B)  Impressed by my time-keeping abilities and politeness.
C)  Horrified by my pornographic t shirt which pointed at my crotch and said “To begin pumping, lift nozzle”.


2)  How was the location for our date?

A)  A classy establishment that you never thought you’d be rich enough to dine in, let alone be treated to.
B)  Nice atmosphere, friendly place, good fun all round.
C)  Crunchy underfoot as the floor was littered with teeth.


3)  How was the date as a whole?

A)  Oh my god!  The best ever!  I’m haemorrhaging through laughter.
B)  It went smoothly.  I couldn’t ask for much more.
C)  I’ve had better times at waxing parlours.


4)  What made you decide to come home with me?

A)  How could I resist?  I couldn’t wait to get those clothes off.
B)  You seemed interesting and I was horny.
C)  I thought it would be impolite not to.


5)  When lovemaking commenced, how did you find it?

A)  An absolute blast.  Highly recommended.
B)  An enjoyable time was had by all.
C)  At least the smell of garlic on your breath would ward off any night prowlers.


6)  Did I treat you to my signature move “The Tarzan”?

A)  Yes.  Oh my holy good lord, yes!
B)  Yes.
C)  Tarzan?  More like Mowgli!


7)  How would you describe the overall experience?

A)  Once in a lifetime.  Never had better, never will.
B)  Jolly good.
C)  An interesting study on my own low standards.


8)  Last but not least, how were the amenities at my house?

A)  Clean, tidy, welcoming, beautifully and tastefully decorated.
B)  Working toilet and shower were in order.
C)  These possum bites don’t seem to be healing.


Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  The results will be posted onto an external database, correlated with sexual habits, and processed to give me an overall score out of ten.  I plan to use this as a talking point on my CV.

As an extra incentive, everyone who enters this survey will be put into a prize draw to win a love token.  The holder is entitled to a free session with me.  Use it wisely.

23 comments:

  1. I would say all A's except for #7 because, of course, I would not be able to resist saying "jolly good".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear sir/madam,

      Thank you for submitting your feedback. You have described your sexual experience as "World-Beating Service". I am pleased that you have enjoyed your time with us, and hope that you continue to use Addman Sexperiences in the future.

      Delete
  2. Hilarious. I want that t-shirt, but I could only wear it to formal functions. At what point do you introduce the possums? I always heard that it comes towards the end of foreplay, but I've always been too timid to try. It's all raccoons for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The possums have to be there from the beginning. They tend to get spooked if you add them too close to the end, what with all the screaming and stuff. The possums need to be moved gradually into the sexual arena so that they can acclimatise to it.

      Delete
  3. Anyone not eroticized by a floor littered in teeth doesn't deserve to step foot into a rape dungeon with you. There, I said it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That suggests that you would be willing to enter said dungeon yourself. I'll see you at six.

      Delete
  4. Unfortunately, the winter draws near. Is there an expiration date on the love token, or can I wait until dog days of summer? The sweatier, the better. Plus, I have more of a chance of sweeping up some carpet crumbs whilst rolling about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The token has to be redeemed 2 years, so we should be able to get a couple of summer lovin' sessions in before then.

      Delete
  5. I'm going to need to know where you can buy a shirt that says that! x

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am surprised you have stopped showing "guests" your DEATH WALL with every sexual conquest's name smeared in your own faeces as a monument to your sexual prowess.
    Conversely, I am please you have taken heed of copying MY signature move of clamping ones anus around a cocktail glass whilst winking at your "lady friend" and asking if she would like One lump or two in a voice not too dissimilar to a Mr Sean Connery.

    "Oh ye-sh dear, It'sh going to be a Blash-t!"






    i need help.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow. All I can say to that is that Mrs H is an incredibly lucky woman.

      Delete
  7. Hysterical. Please provide details of you signature move, "The Tarzan."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll leave the details to your imagination, but rest assured that it involves a loin cloth, and a lengthy vine.

      Delete
  8. Replies
    1. Do you deny gravity and evolution too?

      On another note, I think this is the shortest post you've ever made.

      Delete
  9. I was bowled over by your buckets of charm but, um, I would have preferred badgers. Just sayin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Duly noted. I will endeavour to provide a menagerie of mustelids for your enjoyment in future.

      Delete
  10. I thought that was a nightmare, you're saying it was all real?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nightmare? I guess so if you're not a fan of world-class service.

      Delete
  11. Overall II was pretty happy with my experience. Although I did find the shockingly larger number of Smurf tattoos on your body to be a little unsettling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really? Because I found the lack of Smurf tattoos on your body to be a little unsettling.

      Delete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.