Friday, 25 May 2012

Brain Shits - The Voices Strike Back

By the cock of Zeus (thanks Chiz), its been a while since I've done a Brain Shit.  For those who've never read a Brain Shit before, it's a series in which I just post the first things that pop into my head.  Aside from spelling and grammatical corrections, this is unedited.  For more Brain Shits, see previous postings here:


Today's Brain Shit:

Of all the food groups, one of the most versatile is toast.  Toast shares virtually no characteristics with the bread it was forged from.  It’s brittle, doesn’t fold, and improves with jam.  But what about toast that always lands butter side down?  Scientists reckon that if you butter both sides, then toast is unable to touch the floor and stays suspended in the air.  
Well I think we can take this a step further.  We could butter the crusts of the toast, then try and roll it on the ground like a hula hoop.  The buttery properties of the toast would leave it spinning in the air, unable to land for all time.
Brown toast.  Get it?

I want to harvest this resource in order to make the world’s first flying cars.  Just replace the wheels with buttered toast (applied to the correct areas), and you’ve created an antigravity device.  I can see a bright future full of people zipping around in their breakfast cars, soaring majestically through the skies thanks to crispyfied bread and Lurpak. 
I often wonder what will happen when I’m gone.  Well, I know there will be a funeral, but I mean in the future.  What kind of technology will we have?  I think mankind will have reached its peak when everything in our everyday lives can be done from the comfort of our own beds.  Our beds will hover (thanks to toast) to the bathroom so we can relieve ourselves.  A robot hand will come out of the wall and brush your teeth for you.  Then, the bed will automatically take you to work.  It’ll slide through the doors of your office and dock into your specially crafted desk.  A pull out monitor will hover over your head to stop you having to sit up.  Unfortunately, I have a tendency to sleep naked, so people in the office better get used to seeing an abundance of flesh.  Due to such a lazy lifestyle, I’d probably be really fat as well, so people end up getting more for their money.  Not that people would pay to see me working naked in bed.  Or would they?
I saw a news article today about a man who had a bionic eye fitted.  He’d been blind for two decades, but they installed a microchip just behind his eye, and now he can see shapes in black and white.  In few years time, they might have technicolour eyes, then digital, then HD, then 3D, and you get where I’m going with this.
Google:  Coming in your eyes

Google invented some goggles recently that give you live information about what you’re seeing.  They also display maps for you, and I assume give you directions as you’re walking around.  Right before your very eyes!  That should be the tagline.  I’m waiting for Google Trousers, which give you up to the minute inside leg measurements for an impromptu trip to the tailor, measure seat humidity, and fold into shorts if it becomes too hot.  They could also constantly compare penis size for those insecure people out there.  The trousers could also have routes programmed into them, so they force you to walk a certain way to work (past an open window at the ladies gym), or stand at the back of guided tours so you can pretend you’ve already paid.
There are lots of benefits for Internet enabled clothing.  One thing I would like to see though, is food with GPS capabilities.  You could log onto a website and see how far along your digestive system your cupcake has gone.  This would enable you to plan your toilet trips in advance, making you the most productive member of the office.  Everyone would love you for it.  You’d get promoted instantly because of all the extra productivity.
Also, if you could virus scan potential sexual partners, that would be rather useful.
“I’m sorry, the date was going great, but then I scanned you and noticed Herpes.exe running in the background.  Call me when Dr Watson sorts that shit out.”
If you think this is a geeky post, that’s because I’m a geek.  I’m sorry to disappoint you.  I know you imagined me as a hunky rock idol who constantly rips an awesome guitar solo every time he posts on the Internet, which I do in between saving puppies and breaking hearts, so I’m sorry to let you all down.

24 comments:

  1. Y'know, that GPS food idea's not bad. If you eat something that makes you sick, you can track it. Also, I hadn't heard about the bionic eye. Very cool.

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    1. What? I've had a good idea? Holy Short-Shorts! I knew I'd got the Patent Office on speed dial for a reason!

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  2. Actually, interesting enough, I watched a video of a guy who invented a projection computer that hangs from your neck. Aside from the million other caabilities, one thing it could do is perform facial recognition on someone else and match them up with every picture they appear in on the internet. It then projects words that describe them out in the open. For instance, he looked at one guy and the recognition features found that he liked video games and comics on Facebook; so it labeled him with a bunch of desribing words including 'nerd' and 'geek'.

    I just hope it never gets used on me, with all the pornography and lewd photos I'm in all over the internet. Also, if those google trousers come to fruition, I might be in real trouble in the sex department. I agree that the digestive GPS tracker thing would be extremely useful. My production figures are already high as is. Imagine with that sort of knowledge to enhance it.

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    1. That's crazy. I dread to think what I'd get labelled with, considering the ten minutes I spent looking at my friend's cat's bumhole the other day (not true). It would probably just label me as a star-gazing cookie eater.

      Just how big is this projector? I'm picturing one of those massive 80's school projectors, which would probably break your neck.

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    2. Bah, I wish I could find the video. I stumbled upon it at... well... Stumbleupon.com. I might have the video saved on the wbesite, but I can't access it from work at the moment. But, the projector wasn't big at all. Probably the size of a golf ball.

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    3. Never mind, I'll have a look for it when I get home. It reminds me of the samsung galaxy beam, with a built in 40+ inch projector. Screens are a thing of the past, man.

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  3. Who wants a hunky rock idol who constantly rips an awesome guitar solo every time he posts on the Internet, when they can have a justice-concerned Muppet who spontaneously spouts fascinating Brain Shits instead? Not me. Loved this! :D

    --Susan

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    1. That's a relief, I thought you'd think less of me.

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  4. Hmmm...still pondering on whether I'd pay to see you work in bed...

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    1. Yes! I need a new career.

      *quits job*

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  5. The bed one sounds lot like Wall-E.
    Reminds me of yahoo questions, some dumbass asked "what happens to my facebook and twitter account after I die" instead of facepalm, one guy answered, "everyone is born with a chip in their skull and that will track the time of death and will close all accounts" or something like that.

    Instead we could have a music chip installed in our body that would mimic life just like in movies with background music to match the mood, like after breakup to play "someone like you- Adele" and when I win soccer "we are the champions" and when I sneak out during meeting to grab a cappuccino maybe MI2 music? That would be awesome right?

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  6. That would be really cool, but if my music chip started playing Adele, I would be forced to bore it out with a screwdriver.

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  7. Brown toast made me chuckle... as for the google goggles it just seems a little too much

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    1. Agreed. Technology is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't have to be a part of everything.

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  8. You don't have to have a funeral after you die, you know. My brother told me he just wants to be stuffed in a box and buried in the back yard.

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    1. I suppose. I guess if I'm not going to be around to enjoy my funeral, then no one should be able to.

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  9. Oh my god, the toast. Freakin A'!

    And I'm not so sure about the goggles, they seem like a sure fire death trap! But I can totally see how knowing how far a cupcake is down your digestive system could come in handy.

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    1. I think the problem with the goggles is that they might distract you from where you're going and have you walk out into traffic.

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  10. *sigh* I really miss warm toast!

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    1. Is warm toast banned where you live? Or have you had to give it up for dietry/health reasons?

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  11. Im prodding my touchscreen phone and wishing technology would hurry up with gps food I dont think today wheels will catch on though. Unless we used bagels ( cos they're round)... Hungry now.

    Ps- the blog looks ace on the mobile. Good work fella!

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    1. Thanks. I usually respond to your comments via mobile on my way to work. It's a great way to kill time on the commute.

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  12. These streamy thought exercises are very interesting. I was thinking of doing one myself, but, I'm afraid it would be nothing but spelled out fart noises, scrambled bits of old Doctor Who episodes and Megadeth lyrics. Not to say that there isn't a significant Doctor Who/Megadeth fan base that wouldn't find it fascinating...it's the fart sounds that might have a hard time finding an audience.

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    1. I bet if you looked hard enough on the internet, you'd stumble across a fart fetishist fan club. I bet they write Dr Who farting fanfiction too.

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