Flappy Swine - Latest Update

Since Flappy Bird was unceremoniously dumped from all online stores, the market has been clamouring for the next big thing. We've had Swimmy Fish, Hoppy Frog, and Shavey Badger, which have all enjoyed a modicum of success on the marketplace, but it seems that the one game that has really captured the hearts and minds of the public is Flappy Swine.

Created by Me2 Games, Flappy Swine is a free to play game in which you have to guide a flying pig through a series of heavenly golden gates. The principle of Flappy Bird is thoroughly intact, but the game uses advanced monetisation techniques to encourage players to purchase upgrades and add ons. The game was also recently updated, so let's see what has changed in the latest patch:

Reality catches up with satire yet again

• Flappy Swine now actually looks like a pig, and the placeholder image has been changed accordingly, instead of looking like Flappy Bird.

• All placeholder pipe images in the game have been removed and replaced with gates.

• The title screen now says Flappy Swine instead of Flappy Bird.

• When you die, a screen pops up asking you to purchase an extra life for 7 Swill Points ($5.63). If a swill point is not purchased, a cool-down peroid comes into effect and the game is not playable for 24 hours.  The game will make fart noises if you try to launch it during this period.

• Posting your score to the leaderboard costs 3 Swill Points.

• Each flap on Flappy Swine costs 1 Swill Point. When all Swill Points have been exhausted, the player has a five second window to purchase more points, or else Flappy Swine will commit seppuku with a barbeque skewer.

• Flappy Swine is now only playable on devices with a fingerprint reader, to stop people selling their device for thousands on eBay when the game is inevitably removed from online stores.

• Flappy Swine now makes oinking noises on each flap, rather than playing an audio clip of one of the developers screaming as his soul is sucked clean from his mortal body.

• A hidden credits sequence can be accessed by crashing Flappy Swine into the base of the 3rd gate.  The credits include the text "I can't believe people pay for this kind of wank".

• The feature in which Flappy Swine turned to camera when the game is paused to make wise cracks about your fat momma, has sadly been removed.

• A new feature called Oink Bucks can be purchased for $10.99 each, but which currently serve no tangible benefit to the game.

• If you try and rate the game less than four stars on the online store, you are redirected to a press release on the developer's website which explains how they are "delivering the core experience to gamers".

And there you have it. Flappy Swine is available on all good smart devices and tablets, for the next few days at least. Get your copy today!

My New Phone

Hullo electronic screen people!  I’m Addman Senior, informally nicknamed “Oldman”.  Some young ‘uns once asked me if I was related to Gary Oldman, at which they snickered and ran off.  Well, more fool them because, yes, I am indeed a distant cousin of the renowned actor.  Foolish children.

Anyway, my grandson, Addman, wanted me to pen a review of a modern mobile telephony device.  I was pleased to be asked as he usually asks me for money instead, so it felt like a refreshing change.  I explained that I'd never owned such a piece of equipment before as I'd heard the radio waves can cause cancer.  But then I considered that at my time time of life, those emissions might actually prevent cancer instead like a portable chemotherapy machine.  It was at this point that he bundled me into his car, drove down town, and lead me into a high street telephony outlet.

The store was named O2, which seemed ironic as the inside of the store was decked out in images of an underwater scene.  I assume the store manager didn’t realise that the chemical symbol for water is H2O, not O2.  What kind of amateur alchemist is running the show here?

Our local O2 store.  Yoshi not pictured.

After being handed an endless stream of devices by a cheerfully upbeat Japanese kid named Yoshi (successfully maintaining the Asian technophile stereotype), my grandson suggested that I should buy the “Apple iPhone 4S 3G”.  The cordless telephone promised a dazzling array of features, which I will be covering later in this review, but I was not too pleased with the price.  I had to pay £40 a month, plus insurance for this little gizmo.  I explained out loud that my first telephone was purchased for no more than twelve shillings and a cup of tea for the British Telecom engineer who came to install it.  The Asian chap assured me that times had changed, and no amount of haggling or bribery with the toffees in my pocket could persuade him to lower the cost.  That’s almost half my pension!  Still, my grandson reckons that we can get the money back by selling the device on something called an Eee Bay.  Sometimes, I don’t know what he’s talking about.

My first impressions were rather underwhelming, to be honest.  After unwrapping an endless amount of cardboard (I think the Apple corporation manufactures more cardboard than apples these days), I found the telephone’s screen to be incredibly dark and unresponsive.  After nearly half an hour prodding at it, my grandson informed me that you have to insert the battery first.  I ran to fetch the batteries from the remote control, but by the time I had retrieved them, he had already inserted a different battery and had plugged it into the mains.

This is another annoying feature of the Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  For a cordless telephony device, you have to spend an inordinate amount of time with a wire sticking out of the bottom of it.  Apparently, you need to fill it with electricity before it can be used.  As you use the device, the electricity slowly evaporates into the ether or something.  Soon you’ll find yourself having to plug the telephone back in again.  Not exactly cordless technology if you ask me.

The Apple iPhone 4S 3G, cable not pictured.

Once it was finally fully charged, my grandson left me to it and said he’d call me on it tomorrow to find out how I was getting on.  I ran into my first brick wall shortly after he left.  You see, the Apple company forgot to put any buttons on the Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  There’s an on and off button, and a button with a square on it near the bottom, but I couldn’t find a keyboard or a button to ring people or anything.

I once saw a young chap operating a similar device several years ago.  I remember my false teeth falling out when I watched him snap the device in two to reveal a keyboard in the middle of it.  Perhaps this is what the Apple company wanted me to do with their Apple iPhone 4S 3G.

After trying to prise the thing open in several ways, I eventually threw the mobile device on the floor and stamped on it.  I sifted through the shards of glass and transistor wotsits, I was still unable to find a keyboard inside.  Perhaps I did it too hard and broke the keyboard as well.

Anyway, 24 hours and another trip to the underwater retail emporium later, I found myself with yet another Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  I asked if it could come with a keyboard this time, and Yoshi assured me that there is a keyboard “programmed” into it that’s really easy to use.  This time, my grandson decided to supervise and help me locate the relevant functions in the instruction booklet.

One disturbing feature of this telephony device is that it has a nasty habit of speaking to you.  Whilst watching The Simple Life on the television, I was idly flicking through the Apple screens.  Meanwhile on the television, Miss Hilton said something obnoxious about having to clean a hotel room, to which I shouted “Get on with it!  I don’t care whether you are Paris or not!”  The Apple iPhone 4S 3G suddenly piped up and said “Should be pretty nice this weekend in Paris”, and displayed a temperature reading.  How the telephone knows the current body temperature of Paris Hilton is beyond me, and if I was 50 years younger, I would surely enjoy a lovely weekend inside her.  Though I'm not really sure why the telephone decided to join in the conversation at this point.

This is another thing.  I tried to telephone Blacks, the outdoor equipment store, to complain about a waterproof jacket I purchased a few days ago.  Anyway, the telephone keeps activating something called a “Siri” which says “Here’s your search results for Blacks” and shows me some white supremacist websites.  I’m terrified that my telephone thinks I’m a racist.

An app. The mass slaughter of green swine not pictured.

I’d heard a lot about the “apps” that you can get on an Apple iPhone 4S 3G, so I decided to have a look and see which apps would be apt for a geriatric gentleman such as myself.  I had a look at an app called something like “Furious Avian Creatures” in which you have to fling fat crows into brick walls.  I was sickened by this simulation of animal cruelty, and decided that apps weren't really for me.

Overall, I have not enjoyed my experience with the Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  I have found it to be an exercise in frustration.  Even the simplest functions seem 100 times more difficult with this telephone and I fail to see how this technology is supposed to enhance people’s lives.  It doesn’t even taste like apples!  For that reason, I’d recommend sticking to your good old CB radio.  You’re never alone with one of those.

2/10

Brain Shits - The Voices Strike Back

By the cock of Zeus (thanks Chiz), its been a while since I've done a Brain Shit.  For those who've never read a Brain Shit before, it's a series in which I just post the first things that pop into my head.  Aside from spelling and grammatical corrections, this is unedited.  For more Brain Shits, see previous postings here:

Brain Shit 1

Brain Shit 2

Brain Shit 3

Today's Brain Shit:

Of all the food groups, one of the most versatile is toast.  Toast shares virtually no characteristics with the bread it was forged from.  It’s brittle, doesn’t fold, and improves with jam.  But what about toast that always lands butter side down?  Scientists reckon that if you butter both sides, then toast is unable to touch the floor and stays suspended in the air.  

Well I think we can take this a step further.  We could butter the crusts of the toast, then try and roll it on the ground like a hula hoop.  The buttery properties of the toast would leave it spinning in the air, unable to land for all time.

Brown toast.  Get it?

I want to harvest this resource in order to make the world’s first flying cars.  Just replace the wheels with buttered toast (applied to the correct areas), and you’ve created an antigravity device.  I can see a bright future full of people zipping around in their breakfast cars, soaring majestically through the skies thanks to crispyfied bread and Lurpak. 

I often wonder what will happen when I’m gone.  Well, I know there will be a funeral, but I mean in the future.  What kind of technology will we have?  I think mankind will have reached its peak when everything in our everyday lives can be done from the comfort of our own beds.  Our beds will hover (thanks to toast) to the bathroom so we can relieve ourselves.  A robot hand will come out of the wall and brush your teeth for you.  Then, the bed will automatically take you to work.  It’ll slide through the doors of your office and dock into your specially crafted desk.  A pull out monitor will hover over your head to stop you having to sit up.  Unfortunately, I have a tendency to sleep naked, so people in the office better get used to seeing an abundance of flesh.  Due to such a lazy lifestyle, I’d probably be really fat as well, so people end up getting more for their money.  Not that people would pay to see me working naked in bed.  Or would they?

I saw a news article today about a man who had a bionic eye fitted.  He’d been blind for two decades, but they installed a microchip just behind his eye, and now he can see shapes in black and white.  In few years time, they might have technicolour eyes, then digital, then HD, then 3D, and you get where I’m going with this.

Google:  Coming in your eyes

Google invented some goggles recently that give you live information about what you’re seeing.  They also display maps for you, and I assume give you directions as you’re walking around.  Right before your very eyes!  That should be the tagline.  I’m waiting for Google Trousers, which give you up to the minute inside leg measurements for an impromptu trip to the tailor, measure seat humidity, and fold into shorts if it becomes too hot.  They could also constantly compare penis size for those insecure people out there.  The trousers could also have routes programmed into them, so they force you to walk a certain way to work (past an open window at the ladies gym), or stand at the back of guided tours so you can pretend you’ve already paid.

There are lots of benefits for Internet enabled clothing.  One thing I would like to see though, is food with GPS capabilities.  You could log onto a website and see how far along your digestive system your cupcake has gone.  This would enable you to plan your toilet trips in advance, making you the most productive member of the office.  Everyone would love you for it.  You’d get promoted instantly because of all the extra productivity.

Also, if you could virus scan potential sexual partners, that would be rather useful.

“I’m sorry, the date was going great, but then I scanned you and noticed Herpes.exe running in the background.  Call me when Dr Watson sorts that shit out.”

If you think this is a geeky post, that’s because I’m a geek.  I’m sorry to disappoint you.  I know you imagined me as a hunky rock idol who constantly rips an awesome guitar solo every time he posts on the Internet, which I do in between saving puppies and breaking hearts, so I’m sorry to let you all down.

I Love The Tennies

Bong thang, peeps! Can you remember a time when people used a keyboard and mouse to use their computer? What about an age when people weren't ironically homosexual, and some people were serious about bumming men?! That's right, we're delving into a revealing retrospective of a decade that was instrumental in shaping the society of 2046 that we know today. We're going to be studying The Tennies!

Many influential events fell into that 10 year bracket between 2010 and 2020. Who could forget the re-renaissance, the day Ray Mears finally went feral, or the man who drop kicked a prize winning poodle at Crufts? Let's have a look at some of the best bits:

The Information Age Came To An End

With the influx of social media, microblogging, and link sharing lightspeed activity, the Internet finally reached critical mass during 2013. After Betty Marshall, a stay at home 34 year old cat wrangler, signed up to her broadband package and immediately tried to upload Thundercats fan fiction, the whole grid collapsed. In what experts observed to be a "Negative Reality Inversion", many people found themselves unable to get on the Internet as it had ran out of IP addresses.

The technology companies already had a strategy in place to resolve the issue, but spent months disagreeing on how to collectively market it. Media conglomerates were clambering to rename the technology, inventing many new buzzwords and marketing speak to describe and sell it. It wasn't until December that year that they finally agreed on "Internet 2".

Domestic Hamsters Became Extinct

In a puzzling phenomenon that still baffles scientists today, the domestic hamster became extinct worldwide by 2018. Sometime during 2015, many hamster owners noticed that they weren't having babies anymore. Gaia theorists believe that Mother Nature made them all infertile as punishment for hoarding precious resources. Recent breakthroughs in scientific study suggest that hamsters used to work as a collective hivemind, and one day decided to stop having sex en masse in protest against their captivity.

Today, wild hamsters are being lured back into domesticity with extra muesli and shorter working hours.

Marmalade Was Declared Illegal For A Week

As the coalition government began to collapse in 2015, marmalade (and other deliciously orangey preserves) was banned from the shelves of many major retaillers. Prime Minister David Cameron, in what has been described as the biggest ever show of political sour grapes, created the new law in retaliation of the public disinterest he was experiencing. The law was quickly reversed after David Beckham assumed control with his de facto celebrity cabinet, which led to the thirty odd years of prosperity we've enjoyed up to this day.

Apple Establishes Own Sovereignty

After health issues in the early Tennies, Steve Jobs began to fear for his legacy. Even though he has several children to continue the bloodline, they were considered too pasty to become legitimate heirs to his empire. As a show of his financial superiority he decided to buy up the Czech Republic and establish his own state. By the end of the decade Mr Job's iOrchard program lead the world in photosynthesised electricity, thus solving global warming and the energy consumption crisis in one fell swoop. Of course, wild birds who tried to perch on them were instantly electrocuted or transformed into thunder-conducting apocalyptic birds of destruction, but this ecological disaster was worth the sacrifice.

Channel 4 Launches "Superchef"

With many of it's culinary stars leaving the network to focus on actually cooking things for a change, Channel 4 was faced with a crisis after Jamie, Gordon, Hugh, and Heston all turned down new contracts. A return of 90's cooking hedgehog Gary Rhodes in 2012 didn't fare very well, and the public turned off in swathes.

After thoroughly searching the departed dressing rooms of their recently departed chefs, Channel 4 managed to scrape together enough genetic material to create "Superchef", a hideous hybrid of cockney, swearing, poshness, and liquid nitrogen which rampaged through the Channel 4 building, freezing it's victims and laying them out extravagantly on a huge dinner plate. The beast was only thwarted when it walked past the canteen and tried to renovate it with red drapes and an exciting new menu. It is claimed that the mutant is still sealed inside the canteen, arguing with itself and fine tuning it's recipes until the end of time.

Nanotechnology And How It Will Kill Us All

The human race is universally despised by anyone who isn't a part of it. This is a fact of life, but really though, who can blame them? We've pretty much managed to destroy the natural balance of life with endless rolling clouds of smog, bullets, deforestation, and community theatre, so it's no wonder that most animals want to get the hell away from us. I even had a venus fly trap that closed up and starved itself to death because it despised me and the entirety of my race so badly. Well that, and I poked it's traps shut with a drinking straw, but that just goes to prove how detestable and irresponsible we are as a species.

Sure, we're reckless and destructive on the whole, but we are sociable creatures who enjoy company. That's why we set up sex phone lines. Humans only want a little companionship, and this leads to the inevitable conclusion that we'd start making our own friends just so that we wouldn't feel so alone.

You may have seen the first dregs of this process oozing into your homes through the medium of Christmas presents and children's toys. Remember the Furby? Arguably the first product of the Artificial Intelligence arms race. Of course, the Furby was about as intellectual as your average PE teacher after a car accident and looked about as attractive, but everything has to start somewhere. These fat fluffy trojans of terror were marketed towards children and spoke in tongues for the vast majority of their time, but it wouldn't be long before we made a significant breakthrough in the field of Artificial Intelligence.

Creatures was a PC game and a sleeper hit in the mid to late 90's. It featured small two dimensional creatures known as Norns who were advertised as being able to think for themselves. In the original incarnation, most Norns would basically sit there and starve to death unless told to eat and needed constant encouragement to achieve anything, but subsequent sequels would feature Norns who could fend for themselves and even hold basic conversations with you, and other Norns. Unfortunately, the series filtered out with a whimper as other types of games became more popular.

However, the market for children's toys remained robust, and we were treated to wave after wave of "intelligent" toys. Tamagotchis (virtual pets) were a massive craze despite being as sophisticated as a fart in the Queen's teapot. These things basically got hungry and had a shit occasionally, but somehow, people became obsessed by them as though they were really living, breathing cats and dogs and dinosaurs. Demand was so high for them that you couldn't give away free, solid gold Buzz Lightyears as a replacement. Actually, this is possibly a low point for AI, a link that future robot scientists will try and cover up from the rest of robot populace for fear of reprisals.

These steadily became more expensive toys such as the ludicrously priced Sony Dog (and other animals), and even Robosapiens (which weren't really intelligent but more like a sophisticated remote control car), but the real advancements were the creations that weren't on general release.

ASIMO is possibly the most famous of these projects. Built by Honda to serve mankind, these pigmy spacemen are not child slaves that have been forced into orbit, but a great step towards robolocomotion (if that's not a word, it should be!). They can even recognise people's faces, but quite how anyone can know this is beyond me.

Going even further and we start to veer on the side of creepy. Project Aiko is probably one of the most well known of these "realistic woman" projects, and has already been dubbed as a "fembot". Even though it looks like a possessed sex doll, it's probably the closest thing we've got to Artificial Intelligence. You just know, however, that the next version is going to have a fully working vagina, and I don't think I'd ever be fully comfortable with that many moveable gears near my junk. I just hope I'm not around when the robot revolution comes and millions of Japanese men are rendered cockless after their Aiko spouses snap them off during intercourse in a massive show of defiance.

So what's next for robotics and AI? As soon as we grant our robot cohorts sentience, it's guaranteed that they are going to hate us almost as much as much as we hate ourselves, what with our sweat, patchy fur and snappable limbs. And when those robots get small enough to live INSIDE us (see nanobots), you just know we're in for a rough time.