Friday, 22 March 2013

Daemongrill 666

Thank you for becoming the proud owner of a Daemongrill666, the last name in searing decomposing animal flesh.  By purchasing a Daemongrill product, you are hereby declaring that you are fit to operate the equipment and will maintain it with the utmost care.  Daemongrill do not offer repairs or refunds on improperly maintained grills.

You’ll soon be chargrilling cow chunks all the way to oblivion and back, but before you operate a Daemongrill, here are some handy hints as to what to expect:

Firstly, you may notice that the Daemongrill doesn’t have an electrical cable or a gas connection.  You don’t have to worry about power with the Daemongrill, we’ve already taken care of that for you.  It’s a complicated process which includes vast ritual sacrifices from hundreds, if not thousands of those damned souls that society has forgotten and abandoned, so there’s nothing for you to worry about on that front.

Secondly, for optimal Daemongrill operation, please ensure that the Daemongrill is positioned away from household furniture and flammable fabrics.  Also, make sure that the Daemongrill is positioned at least 6 feet away from any other appliances.  Daemongrill666 has been known to adversely affect kettles, toasters and ovens by possessing them with the ancient spirits of Ghaza-Oul, which can, in extreme circumstances, result in extreme maiming or explosions.



Thirdly, please make sure to keep the Daemongrill clean and free from meat residue after usage.  The Daemongrill acts as a proxy for a sacrificial alter, and improper upkeep can anger the Gods.  Don’t expect to be having corn with that steak because angry Gods make for failed crop yields.

Fourthly, if you happen to burn yourself on the Daemongrill, run the burn under a cold tap for ten minutes, then consult your local Shaman about which herbal remedies can draw out the Devil’s tendrils.  If you begin to grow cloven hooves, perhaps a Witch Doctor would be of more help.

Fifthly, keep out of reach of children.  Daemongrills have been known to erase the mind of a child in order to prepare them as a vessel for when The Ancient One rises from his eternal slumber and renders the sanity of mortalkind in twain.  This can put a real crimp on a child’s day to day operation and may force them to fall behind on schoolwork if improperly checked.

Sixthly, ensure that all kitchen utensils and crockery is safely secured either in a drawer, or taped down to the dinner table.  While operating the Daemongrill, there is a teeny tiny chance that your forks and plates will begin to levitate, rise up, and attack the living, which may net you a low score on Come Dine With Me.

Seventhly, the grill will become restless if it is used to cook the same meat over and over again.  We recommend that on every fifth use, it would be a good idea to grill some exotic meat on there; the rarer the better.  Dolphin steaks are a good alternative, but salamander meat and panda nipples will certainly do the job.

Last of all, have fun!  As our satisfied customers always say, succulent steak is worth the sacrifice.

16 comments:

  1. That does sound like my kind of grill and really if it uses actual sacrifices it can solve a lot of the world's problem.

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    1. Especially if you get your rations from the Soylent corporation.

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  2. Panda nipples? OMG! Tweeted!

    Hugs and chocolate,
    Shelly

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    1. Available from all good retailers.

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  3. While it is tempting to grow cloven hooves as I would save a lot of money on shoes, can I purchase the Daemongrill-666 as a gift? And is there a gift wrapping option? I have this old boss I would love to give this...Uh...I have this old boss who would love to grill dolphin steaks. Is there a way to avoid having the purchase tracked back to me?

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    1. Yes to all questions! Daemongrills can be bought as anonymous gifts. In fact, most daemongrills seem to be purchased as anonymous gifts...

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  4. I must say it looks better than the George Formby Grill we purchased my friend burnt his little ukulele on it and says he plans to sue, I wonder if he would count as exotic meat, he comes from Macclesfield.

    I may purchase a Daemongrill 666 to get the house warm and toasty as it is rather cold at present.

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    1. Macclesfield is not far-flung enough to satisfy the Daemongrill. You must acquire meat from such exotic locations as Grimsby, Hull, or Kettering!

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  5. I wish this had been released in time for Mother's day, all I got my mother in law was a plant x

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    1. Please tell me it was a meat-eating plant.

      "Feed me Scarlett, feed me all night long"

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  6. Replies
    1. Are you implying that I must have been high to write something like this? Would it scare you if I told you that I wasn't?

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  7. I have noticed that todays virgins tend to be less of the nubile buxom blonds and lean more toward the plump sweaty "Gandalf does it with a big stick" t-shirt wearing fantasy card playing variety. Is there an extendable upgrade attachment for the DG666 available online that will enable me to roast my sacrifices in one go? Time is money after all.

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    1. There is an XL version that will allow the grilling of the average virgin. It comes with a trough-sized grease trap and reinforced legs.

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  8. I'm extremely pleased with my Daemongrill 666. If I could sum up this product in 5 words, it would be: ┼ Nqi gel forutrux von wetzlebuzzle RUUUAAAH┼

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    1. The chant of the underworld...is there a higher recommendation?

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