Mystic Mike’s Ghoulish Goodies

Greetings, fellow believer.  I am Mystic Mike, but of course, you already knew that because I planted an image of myself in your mind.  Such is my power.  However, I am not here to impress you with mere parlor tricks.  No, my agenda has far more urgency.

No doubt you’ve heard the old adage “I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghost”.  You’ve probably even sung those words with enthusiasm during a long car journey and bonded with a new lover over your shared lyrical memory.  But are you really ‘fraid of no ghosts?  I doubt it.  Most people are bone-twattingly terrified of ghosts.  Imagine a ghost fondling your spaghetti meatballs while you’re trying to eat!  Scary, isn’t it?  Well, you need not be not ‘fraid of no ghosts anymore with my fabulous range of spirit-snaring gadgets.

Take my patented EMF meter.  This gizmo will detect spiritual activity from centimetres away!  Ignore the fact that all electronic devices give off some kind of electromagnetic force; this thing is actually detecting real live ghosts!  Available in white, off-white, beige, and whatever colour that is above.

How about a spook defuser?  This may look slightly like a Glade plugin, but is actually filled with anti-ectoplasm that will destroy any spirits that are infesting your house.  The electroparticles break down the midichlorians that spectres are made of, banishing them to the spectral plane and allowing them to cross over peacefully.  This is a humane spook defuser and is guaranteed not to kill ghosts.  Imagine how impressed your girlfriend will be when you declare her house to be teeming with poltergeists, and suggest that the two of you spend a dirty weekend at a hotel while the defuser does its work. You’ll be a hero, and she will surely reward you like one.

If you are a serious ghost hunter, you’re definitely going to need a Spirit Trap.  This trap will suck up ghosts and imprison them within the confines a dustbag secure ghost-proof container.  You can then display these containers as trophies on your mantelpiece, and use them to impress a sultry lady with your undead-busting prowess.

Check out this Astrological Looking Glass.  Simply look at a girl through this sensual prism, and you will be able to tell her star sign from her aura.  A red aura means she is a fiery Scorpio.  Blue, a lusty Sagittarius.  Brown means she’s hungry and would like a biscuit.   She will most certainly be impressed by your intimate knowledge of her spiritual wants and desires. 

Every budding psychic is going to need his own Brainwave Amplifier.  This snazzy helmet can extend your psychic reach through intense electomagnification, meaning that you can read everyone’s thoughts within a hundred metre radius.  With significant training, you can use this device to manipulate people, mainly women, into thinking that you are an attractive dating prospect.  It has Magic Mike’s guarantee!  (ATTENTION:  Do not use the Brainwave Amplifier in large crowds, house parties, or Tool concerts)

If you would like to purchase any of these items, please leave a comment in the box below and I will send you the necessary forms.  Thank you for your time and I’ll see you on the dark side.

Daemongrill 666

Thank you for becoming the proud owner of a Daemongrill666, the last name in searing decomposing animal flesh.  By purchasing a Daemongrill product, you are hereby declaring that you are fit to operate the equipment and will maintain it with the utmost care.  Daemongrill do not offer repairs or refunds on improperly maintained grills.

You’ll soon be chargrilling cow chunks all the way to oblivion and back, but before you operate a Daemongrill, here are some handy hints as to what to expect:

Firstly, you may notice that the Daemongrill doesn’t have an electrical cable or a gas connection.  You don’t have to worry about power with the Daemongrill, we’ve already taken care of that for you.  It’s a complicated process which includes vast ritual sacrifices from hundreds, if not thousands of those damned souls that society has forgotten and abandoned, so there’s nothing for you to worry about on that front.

Secondly, for optimal Daemongrill operation, please ensure that the Daemongrill is positioned away from household furniture and flammable fabrics.  Also, make sure that the Daemongrill is positioned at least 6 feet away from any other appliances.  Daemongrill666 has been known to adversely affect kettles, toasters and ovens by possessing them with the ancient spirits of Ghaza-Oul, which can, in extreme circumstances, result in extreme maiming or explosions.

Thirdly, please make sure to keep the Daemongrill clean and free from meat residue after usage.  The Daemongrill acts as a proxy for a sacrificial alter, and improper upkeep can anger the Gods.  Don’t expect to be having corn with that steak because angry Gods make for failed crop yields.

Fourthly, if you happen to burn yourself on the Daemongrill, run the burn under a cold tap for ten minutes, then consult your local Shaman about which herbal remedies can draw out the Devil’s tendrils.  If you begin to grow cloven hooves, perhaps a Witch Doctor would be of more help.

Fifthly, keep out of reach of children.  Daemongrills have been known to erase the mind of a child in order to prepare them as a vessel for when The Ancient One rises from his eternal slumber and renders the sanity of mortalkind in twain.  This can put a real crimp on a child’s day to day operation and may force them to fall behind on schoolwork if improperly checked.

Sixthly, ensure that all kitchen utensils and crockery is safely secured either in a drawer, or taped down to the dinner table.  While operating the Daemongrill, there is a teeny tiny chance that your forks and plates will begin to levitate, rise up, and attack the living, which may net you a low score on Come Dine With Me.

Seventhly, the grill will become restless if it is used to cook the same meat over and over again.  We recommend that on every fifth use, it would be a good idea to grill some exotic meat on there; the rarer the better.  Dolphin steaks are a good alternative, but salamander meat and panda nipples will certainly do the job.

Last of all, have fun!  As our satisfied customers always say, succulent steak is worth the sacrifice.

Serial Killer Suggestions

It's no secret that Hollywood is on it's arse, both creatively and financially. That's why we at Muppets for Justice occasionally like to suggest new ideas for movies.  Anything to break up the formulaic tedium unleashed by the current slew of film studios.  So, focussing on horror movies, we had a bit of a think tank with a certain undesirable section of society.  Basically, we asked several serial killers to tell us what scares them the most.  If it scares them, it's guaranteed to petrify the likes of you and me, right?  Anyway, here are the results:

Ted Bundy: An old man who has had his eyes replaced with a dog's eyes.

Fred West: How about a child with a jack in the box full of poisonous wasps?

Charles Manson: A haunted toaster that turns itself on when it's unplugged.  It continues trying to toast even when there's no bread in it.

Rose West: A woman in a window brushing her hair, but when you look again she's not there and SHE'S BEHIND YOU - OH GOD!

Raul Moat: An abandoned hospital staffed by ventriloquist dummies in nurse uniforms. The admin is done solely by clowns.

Ian Huntley:  A ghost that has died and become a ghost's ghost.

Anders Brevik:  Uncontrolled immigration.

James Egan Holmes:  A group of hooded men stood around chanting, and when you look closer, they're...AHA!  Gotcha!

Seung-Hui Cho:  A leech the size of a hippo.

Jack The Ripper:  An enchanted flute that summons the chupacabra.

Ed Gein:  A woman who turns around and her face is a skeleton's face. Her boobs are also a skeleton's boobs.

Thomas Dillon:  A child on a swing that is on fire but he keeps swinging anyway.  He probably started the fire himself.

John Allen Muhammad:  Moss growing on an old woman who has sat down for too long.

Aileen Wuornos:  Some children go into the woods, but are possessed by a wizard who makes them eat  all sorts of disgusting things like worms and slugs and puppy dog eyes.  He creates a banquet of grizzly foods and forces them to finish the whole thing.  Also, they kill their parents.

Nathaniel White:  A school kid with long hair over her face and she's sepia-tinted.

Scott Williams:  A man in a restaurant rapidly eating his way towards his credit limit, and not giving a fuck.

I can't watch...is it over?  Phew.  I'm sure we can all agree, that was probably the most frightening collection of ideas ever committed to the Internet.  Let's hope that a bigwig film producer gets hold of these ideas and incorporates them all into a Halloween blockbuster.  Let's also hope that he pays me, handsomely.

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In other news, eccentric son of the Internet Rob Z Tobor, has kindly given me this accolade:

This certifies that I am a Radical Abstract Thinker, which gives me something else to put on my CV underneath Secret Lemonade Drinker (if you get that joke, you're too damn old!).  Anyway, if you sometimes think radical abstract thoughts, perhaps you would consider reading his Blog.  He's been popping up on my Sexy People feed on a daily basis for months, and now you've got no excuse not to visit.  Do it now!

Guest Post - Pickleope

-Unfortunately for you regular readers, I am on holiday this week.  However, it seems that things have worked out in your favour because, rather than trying to understand my usual inane waffle, you've got someone with talent to fill in instead.  The post below was written by the wonderfully marvellous Pickleope.  For more pickled goodness, go and visit Pickleope.com.

First and most importantly, thank you to Addman for this opportunity to share his space. I appreciate the generosity and the help in getting me closer to be a professor of bullshit. (If you write enough about stupid stuff, they give you an honorary degree, right?)

It was whilst reading Muppets for Justice that I read about Addman’s dream of becoming a Cryptozoologist. And I would like to help him. Though it’s not exactly cryptozoology, ghost hunting is a similar I’m not sure if ghost hunting is the same thing, but it’s a similar profession wrapped in bullshittery.  Perhaps he can start a new career as professional shoveller of nonsense if he can answer my paranormal quandaries.

Tangent:

By the way, “paranormal quandaries” would be a great, albeit confusing, name for a proctology office. “My poop is in the shape of an uppercase Q and whistles ‘Call Me Maybe’ when I flush. I think I need to see my proctologist over at Paranormal Quandaries.”

End tangent.

Here are some of the things I can’t figure out about ghosts despite watching Ghostbusters almost 90 times (almost because I was kind of drunk the last time and passed out before Dan Aykroyd gets a hummer from a ghost…weirdest scene in any movie ever).

No smoke without ghosts.

Do ghosts think Halloween is racist against ghosts? You know? Like is wearing a sheet the equivalent of black-face to a ghost? Like a ghost minstrel show?

How come there aren't any monkey ghosts? And would a monkey ghost be as cute and charming as a living monkey?

What's the appropriate amount of time to wait from when a spouse dies to try to have sex with his/her ghost? You know, rock that ectoplasm? “Til’ death do us part,” is a convention of the close minded. If my spouse comes a-haunting, I would like to make sure that we’re still simpatico. Maybe ghost/human sex is the best thing ever, but also, I don’t want to freak out the freshly dead. So how long should we give our dead partners to transition before lighting some candles, putting on some Luther Vandross, and letting nature take its course. Also, do I have to worry about pregnancy or STDs with ghosts? I don’t want ghost-Herpes.

If ghost-Tupac meets hologram-Tupac would that destroy the space-time continuum? (That’s a question from my mom. She saw that clip on YouTube while she was toking off a giant blunt.)

What's funnier, a ghost dressed like a wizard or a fat ghost in an ill-fitting shirt and Daisy Dukes? (That’s my mom asking again. She smokes a lot of weed.)

If I want to be a ghost should I just have a lot of unfinished business? Like maybe start a bunch of craft projects and leave them in a closet? I’m not sure if I’m righteous enough to go “up” so to speak, but I certainly don’t want to go to Hell, so maybe I should split the difference. (I just wrote that and realized I was okay with writing “Hell” but squeamish about writing “Heaven”. Sorry, just a weird insight into my madness.)

If there's a ghost in my bedroom masturbating, should I politely let him finish or is more polite to turn on a porno?

Do ghosts use the bathroom? Elvis died on the toilet, so is he locked in eternal poo?

If we get to keep your clothes when we die (you never see a naked ghost), should I start dressing like Spider-Man all the time just in case?

I think the idea of a ghost in a Spider-Man outfit is a perfect place to go out on. Thank you again to Addman, a gentleman and a scholar.

ConspiracyNet - The Month In Review

Well, it's been a busy start to the year here at ConspiracyNet. First, we discovered that inter dimensional hermaphrodites were responsible for the Holocaust, then we interviewed the postman of the gunman behind the grassy knoll who gave him the idea in the first place, and then we baked a cake in the shape of a UFO.

Our forums have also been bustling, with plenty of you Conspiridudes and dudettes unravelling some of the biggest mysteries. That's why we've decided to put together a Best Of edition and show the world just what our fans are capable of. Please click on the images to see them full size:

Thread Title: What's your favourite type of UFO?



Thread Title: I SAW A MOUSE



Thread Title: My encounter with a ghost



Thread Title: 9/11 DID NOT EVEN HAPPEN



Thread Title: How to spot a UFO



And there you have it. If you want to sign up to ConspiracyNet, simply draw a red circle around a vague wisp of fog in a forest and send it to us.