Greetings, fellow believer. I am Mystic Mike, but of course, you already knew that because I planted an image of myself in your mind. Such is my power. However, I am not here to impress you with mere parlor tricks. No, my agenda has far more urgency.
No doubt you’ve heard the old adage “I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghost”. You’ve probably even sung those words with enthusiasm during a long car journey and bonded with a new lover over your shared lyrical memory. But are you really ‘fraid of no ghosts? I doubt it. Most people are bone-twattingly terrified of ghosts. Imagine a ghost fondling your spaghetti meatballs while you’re trying to eat! Scary, isn’t it? Well, you need not be not ‘fraid of no ghosts anymore with my fabulous range of spirit-snaring gadgets.
Take my patented EMF meter. This gizmo will detect spiritual activity from centimetres away! Ignore the fact that all electronic devices give off some kind of electromagnetic force; this thing is actually detecting real live ghosts! Available in white, off-white, beige, and whatever colour that is above.
How about a spook defuser? This may look slightly like a Glade plugin, but is actually filled with anti-ectoplasm that will destroy any spirits that are infesting your house. The electroparticles break down the midichlorians that spectres are made of, banishing them to the spectral plane and allowing them to cross over peacefully. This is a humane spook defuser and is guaranteed not to kill ghosts. Imagine how impressed your girlfriend will be when you declare her house to be teeming with poltergeists, and suggest that the two of you spend a dirty weekend at a hotel while the defuser does its work. You’ll be a hero, and she will surely reward you like one.
If you are a serious ghost hunter, you’re definitely going to need a Spirit Trap. This trap will suck up ghosts and imprison them within the confines a
ghost-proof container. You can then
display these containers as trophies on your mantelpiece, and use them to
impress a sultry lady with your undead-busting prowess.
Check out this Astrological Looking Glass. Simply look at a girl through this sensual prism, and you will be able to tell her star sign from her aura. A red aura means she is a fiery Scorpio. Blue, a lusty Sagittarius. Brown means she’s hungry and would like a biscuit. She will most certainly be impressed by your intimate knowledge of her spiritual wants and desires.
Every budding psychic is going to need his own Brainwave Amplifier. This snazzy helmet can extend your psychic reach through intense electomagnification, meaning that you can read everyone’s thoughts within a hundred metre radius. With significant training, you can use this device to manipulate people, mainly women, into thinking that you are an attractive dating prospect. It has Magic Mike’s guarantee! (ATTENTION: Do not use the Brainwave Amplifier in large crowds, house parties, or Tool concerts)
If you would like to purchase any of these items, please leave a comment in the box below and I will send you the necessary forms. Thank you for your time and I’ll see you on the dark side.