Monday, 12 May 2014

Mystic Mike’s Ghoulish Goodies



Greetings, fellow believer.  I am Mystic Mike, but of course, you already knew that because I planted an image of myself in your mind.  Such is my power.  However, I am not here to impress you with mere parlor tricks.  No, my agenda has far more urgency.

No doubt you’ve heard the old adage “I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghost”.  You’ve probably even sung those words with enthusiasm during a long car journey and bonded with a new lover over your shared lyrical memory.  But are you really ‘fraid of no ghosts?  I doubt it.  Most people are bone-twattingly terrified of ghosts.  Imagine a ghost fondling your spaghetti meatballs while you’re trying to eat!  Scary, isn’t it?  Well, you need not be not ‘fraid of no ghosts anymore with my fabulous range of spirit-snaring gadgets.



Take my patented EMF meter.  This gizmo will detect spiritual activity from centimetres away!  Ignore the fact that all electronic devices give off some kind of electromagnetic force; this thing is actually detecting real live ghosts!  Available in white, off-white, beige, and whatever colour that is above.



How about a spook defuser?  This may look slightly like a Glade plugin, but is actually filled with anti-ectoplasm that will destroy any spirits that are infesting your house.  The electroparticles break down the midichlorians that spectres are made of, banishing them to the spectral plane and allowing them to cross over peacefully.  This is a humane spook defuser and is guaranteed not to kill ghosts.  Imagine how impressed your girlfriend will be when you declare her house to be teeming with poltergeists, and suggest that the two of you spend a dirty weekend at a hotel while the defuser does its work. You’ll be a hero, and she will surely reward you like one.



If you are a serious ghost hunter, you’re definitely going to need a Spirit Trap.  This trap will suck up ghosts and imprison them within the confines a dustbag secure ghost-proof container.  You can then display these containers as trophies on your mantelpiece, and use them to impress a sultry lady with your undead-busting prowess.



Check out this Astrological Looking Glass.  Simply look at a girl through this sensual prism, and you will be able to tell her star sign from her aura.  A red aura means she is a fiery Scorpio.  Blue, a lusty Sagittarius.  Brown means she’s hungry and would like a biscuit.   She will most certainly be impressed by your intimate knowledge of her spiritual wants and desires. 



Every budding psychic is going to need his own Brainwave Amplifier.  This snazzy helmet can extend your psychic reach through intense electomagnification, meaning that you can read everyone’s thoughts within a hundred metre radius.  With significant training, you can use this device to manipulate people, mainly women, into thinking that you are an attractive dating prospect.  It has Magic Mike’s guarantee!  (ATTENTION:  Do not use the Brainwave Amplifier in large crowds, house parties, or Tool concerts)

If you would like to purchase any of these items, please leave a comment in the box below and I will send you the necessary forms.  Thank you for your time and I’ll see you on the dark side.

23 comments:

  1. Well, I certainly do have bone-twattingly terror for ghosts, but "spook defuser" sounds kind of racist, I'm not sure, but it sounds racist, so I can't buy that. I don't have enough money for a full Brainwave Amplifier, can I get maybe a Brainwave Amplifier yarmulka?

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    1. Nope. It's either the full brainwave amplifier or nothing *puts on a brainwave amplifier* you will buy this product.

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  2. Wait; I am already displaying several spirit bags on my mantle, but I was told they hold fairies and leprechauns.

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    1. No those are Critter Traps. I need to fill the bag with my special brand of ectoplasm before the trap becomes spirit-proof.

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  3. I already have a tinfoil hat I'm afraid. I don't want to know if I have ghosts in my house. I'm not afraid of no ghost but part of the reason is that I can pretend they aren't there. It's like Schrodinger's cat in a way. But with ghosts.

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    1. Schrodinger's ghost? Now there's a catch that any collector would want.

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  4. That Spirit Trap looks awfully happy for something that just ingested an evil spirit. Also, the thing I love most about the Spook Defuser is that it vaporizes ghosts AND farts. You just can't beat that.

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    1. Farts are the ghosts of animals and plants that are trying to escape the digestion process. It's scientific fact.

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  5. I tried to use the Spirit Trap on a ghoulish apparition of a Jehovah's Witness that's taken up residence in my house. Unfortunately, I accidentally turned it on myself and inadvertently sucked out my own soul. Do you have any products that'd assist me with putting my soul back into my body? The Jehovah's Witness ghost is really getting on my nerves. He keeps repeating, "I told you so! I told you your soul would be damned!"

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  6. ...sorry, still laughing out loud about Pickleope Von Pickleope's comment.
    Can you invent a contraption that will put spirits back into my house? Preferably the Gin and Tonic or Jim Beam type.

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    1. I do travel round on my Spirit Wagon, which has been described as an illegal milk float. Perhaps I could drive by your house. You don't live near a police department do you?

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  7. I WILL BE BACK. . . . . . It just tooooooooooooo late for my little brain to function normally. . . .I will return tomorrow

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    1. Looking forward to it.

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    2. I'm Back, only to read of the Brainwave Amplifier, I will need to buy one of these as last night proved that I am running out of Brainwaves.... Although I might buy one of those cheap ones they sell on Amazon that come from China. Yes I know that they are designed for the Chinese head and sizing can be am issue, but if I buy the XXXXXXL Brainwave Amplifier I can be sure of a snug fit.

      I have seen a ghost . . . . . Honest for real, it was a long time ago and folk laughed at me so I dont tell folk now. . . . AH DAMN I DID.

      And one of the coolest weird devices I ever came across was an Earth Frequency receiver which an Electronics engineer made while I was an apprentice back a long time ago. IT WAS COOL and WEIRD. . . . . To get a feel have a look at

      http://www.backyardastronomy.net/vlf_receiver.html

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    3. I had a look but I couldn't understand what the hell it is and what it does. It looks like it would explode if you hit it with a shovel, so that's pretty cool. Is it shovel-proof?

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    4. I know how you feel I always fancied making one. . . . But I too thought WHAT THE HELL IS IT . . . Is it shovel-proof . . . it appears the answer is no

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  8. This is all very helpful and informative. I was wondering, however, how you get the ghost out of the ghost-proof container - say if I wanted to try to tame it... xx

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    1. While it may be ghost-proof, it isn't hammer-proof.

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  9. I'd like to put in a complaint with regards to the Brainwave Amplifier. It did not work as advertised and only caused men to be attracted to me including (but not limited to) heterosexual men, male animals, and even variants of bananas.

    I'd like my money back please.

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    Replies
    1. You must have been wearing it backwards. No refunds.

      Delete
  10. I was reading a conspiracy site a few months back - one of the sites that the people in charge don't want me readin' =- and I learned something very valuable about tin foil hats.

    It turns out that instead of protecting my thoughts from being read by satellites, it might actually be amplifying the waves and thus making it easier for my thoughts to be read!

    This would explain why all of my brilliant ideas keep getting stolen.

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    1. Indeed. With all the money that the government invests in harvesting data on us and spying on our every waking moment, it's amazing how easily you can thwart their efforts with a bit of tinfoil.

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Leave me a nice comment or die trying.