Dearest offspring,
Undeath upon thee, young one. Life on tour continues to separate us, but
let it be known that through the black arts, as I lap at the blackest drainings
from the sepulcher of Hades, I feel closer to you despite our physical distance. I am putting my punctured, bloodied finger to
parchment to inform you how much my maggot-infested heart longs to return the
doomed orifice that is our dwelling.
My service to the band Vengeance Lust is long and arduous,
but the rhythmic thumping as I hammer the skins every night is sure to appease
the dark lord and keep our realm safe from his nihilistic ambitions. Rocking out for the Blood God Rhazghul is
more of a dark duty than a career. Once
my bones grow weary and crumble to dust, it is my hope that you, my progeny,
shall inherit my legacy. Until then I
will crash these symbols until the very foundations of hell begin to shake.
 |
| CAN I PLAY WITH CRAYONS?! |
You’ll surely be interested in the unearthly events that
have plagued our black chariot (tour bus).
Well, Dave “Batfingerzzz” French moved heaven and earth with his
righteous fury after losing a piece of jewellery inside a groupie. It was the ring with the fossilised scorpion
in amber. When it degrades inside the
unfortunate harlot, I imagine the festering decay will cause another black death
across the western world. At least, that’s
what I’m hoping for.
Also, Johnny “Pestilence” Horowicz opened his jugular on
stage over a crowd of screaming fans. He
bathed them with the crimson spew of his lifeforce, encouraging them to ingest
him as he performed a riotous solo during a metal cover “Why Do Birds Suddenly
Appear?” The fans left that gig with a souvenir
that money cannot buy, and several blood diseases that money cannot treat.
Kyle “Firepisser” Jones spent the whole of last night trying
to stick wings to centipedes. He intends
to release them during the pyrotechnics finale we are concocting. I remain unconvinced that they will take
flight and bring forth the rapture as he intends.
As for me, I have discovered the dark, dreadful delights of
drinking from a goblet. I refuse to
consume any liquids that are not presented to me in a goblet, but conversely, I
am eager to slurp down anything placed in a chalice of some description. When the firey orb of daylight secedes into
the horizon, my brothers of decay will often compete to fill my drinking
chalice with the most foul things imaginable.
I have consumed little other than diarrhea, liquidised locust larvae,
and Pot Noodles for the last seven evenings.
The others may find this amusing, but I am biding my sweet, dark time
until the vapours within coalesce into the great Maggot Lord, Nurglesh, and he unleashes
a noxious cloud of decay upon their mortal forms. Then I shall devour their souls and use their
absorbed shadow powers to reign down a new Armageddon, rending flesh from bone
on an unprecedented scale. Then I’ll
have a cup of tea.
Regardless, I shall soon return to the homestead after next
week’s show in the forsaken lands of Milton Keynes. Wait for me my child. Soon you shall receive me once more, and I’ll
finally have the opportunity to give you that "My daddy rocks" babygrow. Until then, don’t die.
Oh, Johnny Horowicz does my tax accounting. I didn't know he was a metal head. How are "Blackest Drainings" and "Sepulcher of Hades" not already death metal band names?
ReplyDeleteI feel like this is a translation of a dispatch from Sweden. They love metal way more than a nation of entirely white people...okay, they love metal exactly as much as a nation of entirely white people should.
This was really inspired and funny. Well done. The only flaw I can see is that there was no mention of Anton LaVey.
Thanks. And while I do agree with you about Sweden's musical tastes, we have to remember that they also gave the world ABBA. That confuses their musical identity slightly.
DeleteEwwww, Pot Noodles. This is the kind of dad I want to be. He doesn't see his kids much, and has a whole lot of fun on the road with his crazy brothers of Satan. That's a dad that kids can be proud of. "My dad'll batter your dad." "Yeah well my dad will sacrifice yours to the Dark Lord, but the Dark Lord won't take him because he's a total wanker."
ReplyDeleteHaha!
Delete"My dad will piledrive your dad straight into the River Styx, forge his bones into a blade, and use it to perform a certain popular Jewish operation.
That guy's not kult.
ReplyDeleteHe didn't mention burning down a church even once.
But burning churches are implied in everything to do with metal. You don't have to say it overtly anymore. Kind of like misogyny in a rap record.
DeleteKyle FirePisser sounds like a cool kinda guy... x
ReplyDeleteOh he's a true gent. On a date, he'll pull out your chair, place his coat over a puddle, and brand you with his signature Mark Of The Damned only once.
DeleteI bet Justin Bieber would be infinitely more badass if he opened up his jugular during a performance and bathed his screaming tween fans in a pool of his lifeblood. Also dead. Which is equally good.
ReplyDelete"Baby, baby, baby SPEEEEEWWWW!"
Delete*performs face-shredding solo whilst promptly vomiting on the front row*
Is this the same band that recorded the Albums "Boot Licking Zombie Nazis" and "I Squat On Your Face," Or was that the Spice Girls? I keep getting the two mixed up.
ReplyDelete"If you wanna be my lover, you've gotta squat on my face"
DeleteSorry I am a bit late, ironically an old pal was visiting from the forsaken lands of Milton Keynes . . . They have quite a good IKEA there it is better than the one in Birmingham thats for sure.
ReplyDeleteThose goblets are a bit old farty nineteen sixties (Ooo god I'm old) these days, you are better to use a gold plated shot glass, much more street cred.
You know nothing of street cred. Last I heard you were sliding up to people in the street, calling them "hombre", and trying to offer them a sip of tea from your flask.
DeleteJohnny “Pestilence” Horowicz has the right idea. If everyone has herpes and hepatitis, then they'll no longer be considered diseases. Also, it's a great way to honor the Dark Lord with pestilence.
ReplyDeleteJohnny likes to think such diseases as "gifts". He tends to dispense gifts rather than sign autographs or sell band merchandise. It costs the band a lot of money, but at least he still has his integrity.
Delete