Friday 29 May 2009

Return of MC Addman Part 1: Fo Shlurple Ma Nurple

If you cast your mind back to the hazy days of 2007, when the Internet was completely in black and white and dogs were yet to be condensed in size and forced into the purses of successful female celebrities, I wrote an article about a spot of Facebook rapping I partook in. At the time, I found the whole idea of freestyle rap battling on a social networking website completely ludicrous, and I still do since it can take weeks for two rappers to finish a battle, but the whole concept still had some kind of allure to me. I longed to go back to the glory days where I told Peter N that I would crush him with my thighs, or when I destroyed Nick Moody with my lyrical agility. It was only a matter of time before I had to step into the fray once again, grab a mic, and verbally murder everyone around me. However, this time, I had back up.

Once again, I adopted the mantle of Alan Paige for this expedition, and descended on a group simply titled "RAP BATTLES" with a couple of friends to help me out. To help you follow these fresh and funky flows, my stuff has a yellow heading, friends have a green heading, and others have a red heading.

To start, me and a friend called Missy B had a warmup battle:

You replied to Missy's postat 11:18 on 26 May 2009
Ok Missy let's go! There are no rules, but smokers will have to go outside.

Missy B, I step to thee with a proposition,
Imma flip you and rip you like a mental condition,
I'm your prime opposition, your main competition,
I ain't gonna show contrition when it comes to ma diction,
My dick skin tingles as I start to mingle,
Other rappers get popped like a tube o' pringles,
Once you buy my single you're likely to find,
A day in my mind and you're already two-timed,
Got complex metaphors leakin' outta my pores,
It'd take four George Dawes to figure out my scores,
I'd like you to indulge me in ma fetish for shooting,
We'll see how you're hootin' when I stick my boot in.

Missy Belly-ot replied to your postat 11:55 on 26 May 2009
Aight Paige, feel my rage!

Fleas, Flies, Fros, guns
I smell the blood in the ghetto, son
Weed, wives, woes, bums
some little boy's getting ready to run,

A lullaby for you as you drift off to sleep
I cut a guy lyrically cause my rift's too deep
Barred and tarred and feathered while I'm at it
Your weaker than the sneaker getting sold by the addict

You couldn't rule my blocks if this were LegoLand
I'm a fox, you're a chicken, I'm coming for you man
You're Florida orange with that fake ol' tan (poetic licence, you pasty faced limey)
I'm hot slick grease, you're the bacon in the pan

I'll torment your torrent like it's a tournament
Hammer on your fairest don like it's a marathon
Barely done what's fairly spun, the words I spit are rarely fun
Listless plight, your fistless fight, I'll slit your wrist with a glistless knife

So bring it on "Mr lyrical disaster",
my rhymes are bigger, better, faster
than your dribbly slopped servings of words on my screen
If you get any worse I'll pull out my own spleen (fo a bit o' entertainment)

You replied to Missy's postat 12:26 on 26 May 2009
You claim your rhymes are better and faster?
Cut me any deeper and I'm gonna need a plaster,
You're gonna need tell your pastor how I put you out to pasture,
Cos your rhymes are more disjointed than a cripple in a canister,
I've got a miracle lyrical capability filling me,
With the agility to escape a killer bee colony,
So grab your cameras to capture my miraculous,
and scandalous dissection aimed in Missy B's direction,
An erection with you in the picture is out of the question,
If it were my homework then I would need an extension,
You're laughable, much more pathetic than a mentalist,
Existentialist, or even a television evangelist,
I saw you writing DJ Talent on your Christmas gift list,
The point, like your name Missy, you seem to have missed.

Missy Belly-ot replied to your postat 13:13 on 26 May 2009
Cripple in a canister? What's that Paige?
Do you think this shit up when your brain is disengaged?

Man, please start to take this as a contest,
I'll make you evacuate like I'm a bomb threat,
Surely I’ll make your day,
Informing you, I was with your dad having some foreplay, trying to produce a son who isn't full on gay
Why you be talking about some disability? when you got the rickets man, not me
you even got the chunky calliper boots, you think that's cool?
Is that you trying to get back to your Roots?
when you got raped, gagged with tape,sent your legs bandy, by your best friends dad (wasn't his name Sandy?)
Read inbetween the lines, while I make equations,
Dude, I break occasions,
Even on Independence Day, I awake invasions,
And you already know I’m the sicker playa,
I’ll say your name in vein,
Cause you can’t match whats goin’ on in my brain,
Words just pop outta now where, like desserts in the summer rain,
Watch me while I’m flippin’ gerbils,
Jumpin’ hurdles,
Brusin’ you like ninja turtles,
And I just need a beat to complete this heat of stompin’ verbals...

You replied to Missy's postat 13:51 on 26 May 2009

Do you hear that pitter patter up on your Ciabatta?
Put down that toddler sandwich, it makes yo ass fatter,
To spank that skank ass it'd take a fly swatter,
That's the size of Michigan and would cause a splatter,
Joking aside, I'd buy you a wine that is grapey,
Then take you aside and force myself on you, cuz I'm rapey,
Taking a tour around your stately pussy makes me shakey,
Cuz it's full of mustard gas and my life's at stakey!
The gas from your vagina causing me to throw fits,
I feel just like a jew at Aushwitz,
Your minge is the pits, miles away from the Ritz,
And your tits loop around right under your armpits,
Ain't no glitzy glamour in your lady manor,
I'd rather demolish the whole place with a hammer,
With that over with, it was time to spread to other areas of the group, such as the wall:

Alan Paige wrote
at 11:30 on 26 May 2009
Ameesh? Amish. You're like a limp fish,
Your rhymes aren't the freshest dish on ma wish list,
See through the red mist, don't go and get pissed,
Or else we'll play knockout without the whist,
In case you didn't get the gist, you've just been dissed,
Does it make you pissed so much you clench your fist?
Round your dick and furiously masturbate,
Because you're too late to fornicate,
With anyone else, so you just cum on a plate,
And try to serve it up to impregnate your date,
Me and my mate Harvey think you're an ingrate,
A reprobate flailing around like he's great,

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wrote
at 11:55 on 26 May 2009
U think i give a fuk about ur dumb wish list,
Stop eating ur mums pussy blud u smellin of fish
U jus sum dumb mutha fukka i suggest u get gone,
Do U know who i am? – I’ma lyrical don,
One of da best Mc’s on FaceBook .(DOT) Com,
And certain mans agree so i cant be wrong,
U don’t kno how to diss - ur disses go amiss,
Now open ur fukin mouth and let me take a piss,
When we battle blud i’m str8 knock u down,
U b like sadam Hussein hiding underground,
But when u give urself up blud ya wont be found,
Bcoz u one Mc nobody wants around,
If ur m8s wid Brian Harvey - boy u need help,
East 17’s attackin me – shud i worry bout my health?,
No i shudnt worry, but u shud worry bout yaself,
Coz u wont see me cumin - look up da word stealth............
BOBBY BLADE - NG2 - WEST BRIDGFORD - NOTTINGHAM....WOT? ? ? ? ?

Jake Mason wrote
at 12:22 on 26 May 2009
Ameesh, I think you are very disrespectful saying you want to wee in someones mouth and that someones mother has genitalia smelling of fish.

Tone it down lad.

Jake Mason wrote
at 12:27 on 26 May 2009
Ameesh, you are a disrespectful little blighter,
I'd like to put my hands around your throat,
maybe a little tighter, than is probably legal,
or maybe I should just shoot you dead,
get rid of you totally, because you are hurting my head
If you are here to talk about being a gay,
Tuck your willie between your legs and walk away,
because none of the boys in this here group,
are battiing for your team, or want to stir around your poop
Run along sonny Jim, find a plastic pop gun,
You're not from the the ghetto, you're from...

Bottingham.

Backyshacky YA!

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wrote
at 16:11 on 26 May 2009
Im not even gonna waste my time on Jake. If mans fink i didnt ave a cumback or i pussyed out, dats fine, fink woteva u wont. When sum1 use da words "you are a disrespectful little blighter", man dats sum O.A.P talk - I aint here 2 battle O.A.P's. So Jake, I really cant be bothered wid u, ur jus so wack, oh god, even dis is a waste of time, i'm out. peace 2 all my REAL MC's

Alan Paige wrote
at 16:14 on 26 May 2009
Jake has already defeated Ameesh! And he's only been here for a few hours! Well done Jake!

Slikz Hudson (Nottingham) wrote
at 16:16 on 26 May 2009
stop beggin it alan lol

Alan Paige wrote
at 16:19 on 26 May 2009
Begging for what, Slikz? Ameesh stood down to Jake because Jake is the better rapper. I wouldn't like to battle Jake, from what I've seen, his rhythms are tighter than a ducks bumhole.

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wrote
at 18:26 on 26 May 2009
U kno wot. I stood down, ya mad. I gotta shut my shop and go home now. But i'll be back 2mrw. ALAN PAIGE = BRIAN HARVEY - AND FUK IT, JAKE MASON TO, YA ALL MARKED MEN. U R DA TOP 3 MC'S ON MY HIT LIST. I STOOD DOWN, YA MAD - I SED I CUDNT BE BOTHERED. I'LL LOOSE BATTLES TO GOOD MC'S YEAH, BUT I DONT STAND DOWN FOR NO FUKER. I WAS TRYNA RESPECT DA FACT DAT MY MAN ASKED ME NOT TO SWEAR - BUT FUCK JAKE AND HIS FRESH PRINCE CURSE FREE RAPS. AND DIS ALAN PAIGE DUDE, BOY U LOOK LIKE A FAGGOT. I NEVA TOOK DIS SHIT SERIOUS. BUT U AND BRIAN, U TWO R JOKERS AND JAKE TO NOW - THE THREE COCKA - TEARS. Big up Sliks, Ken, Steve, Deez men r Mc's. Not ya fake ass bitches. Until 2mrw den...Fuk all ya all fake Mc's - And peace to my real Mc's. U AINT WON SHIT JAKE! ! ! -

Alan Paige wrote
at 09:50 on 27 May 2009
Im not even gonna waste my time on Ameesh. If mans fink i didnt ave a cumback or i pussyed out, dats fine, fink woteva u wont. When sum1 use da words "you are a disrespectful little blighter", man dats sum O.A.P talk - I aint here 2 battle O.A.P's. So Ameesh, I really cant be bothered wid u, ur jus so wack, oh god, even dis is a waste of time, i'm out. peace 2 all my REAL MC's

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wrote
at 09:59 on 27 May 2009
HAHAHAHAHA. I sed dat 2 Jake u prick. Not U. U AINT GOT A CUM BACK _ ALAN PAIGE IS A PUSSY

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wrote
at 10:01 on 27 May 2009
dis is RAP BATTLES - ATTACK WID A RHYME U PRICK. WOT I SED YES2DAY AINT NO STEPPIN DOWN. U R ONE SHIT STIRRING BASTARD. U FAGGOT, LOW LIFE, SAD CUNT. U BEST SPIT SUMFING BACK U PRICK. DONT MEK NE TALK. DIS IS RAP BATTLES U MUTHA FUKKA.

Alan Paige wrote
at 10:10 on 27 May 2009
Ameesh, it's called satire. I was pointing out that when you cannot muster a decent comeback, it is fine for you to dismiss it, whereas, if any of us do it, it is immediately a failing on our part. Anyway, I'm making a discussion topic for us to sort our beef out in, so wait a minute.


Since things were getting a bit hairy on the wall and many other people were getting involved, I made a discussion topic for myself, Jake, Brian, Ameesh and Slikz to rap battle in.


You wroteat 10:21 on 27 May 2009
Alright dawgs. There seems to be a big division between two groups of MCs. I thought we oughta figure out which group is the best (even though it's obviously us). Please can people come in and vote for which group you prefer.

Oh and, I know you are outnumbered, so if you want to bring someone else in, that's fine.

Ameesh ain't an MC he ran away from a pensioner,
Inadequate in many ways, he needs an extensioner,
Your poetic license has expired, and so will your life,
I'd rather throw a toaster in your bath than waste time with a knife,
Gotta be more creative than just blades and guns,
Such as injecting the T virus into a bus load of nuns,
I'd feed you through a woodchipper till you ain't feeling chipper,
Post the remains to your skipper and some to your nipper,
Me, Harv and Mason win, it's a no-brainer,
Cos there ain't no one insaner with our megalomania,
So let's see your feeble attempts fall below our par,
We can putt you in two and hit you with our golf car.

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wroteat 10:26 on 27 May 2009
how da fuk u gunna start a new group so mans cant even see wot i typed earler. NOW 4 ALL JOING IN. THIS IS WOT I MADE EARLIER AGAINT DEEZ THREE CLOWNS. I'M GUNNA COPY AND PASTE IT SO U GET A GOOD READ. DEN I'MA SPIT WOT I WANT. DONT MEK OUT DAT U STARTED DIS TODAY AND I AINT SAID SHIT. PRICK.

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wroteat 10:27 on 27 May 2009
Alan Paige Alan Paige u rhymes fill me wid rage,
Dont mek me lock u and Harvey together in a cage,
Or dats probably wot ya want so u can suck his cock,
Spend sum quality time together give each other a good knock,
And i'm one MC ya really don't wanna mock,
Man i can kill u widout using a gun,
So put on ur nike trainers and get ready to fukin run,
Coz when i catch u, i’ma have me sum fun,
Put a blade in ur mouth, A Chelsea smile, i’m Dun,
Now put sum make up on ya face coz u look like The Joker,
And dat fat ugly prick from celebrity poker,
And now after dis battle u'l be known as THE CHOKER!
Dont say shit back or i'll be forced to smoke ya!.
Bobby Blade (NG2) Nottz.......Wot????

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wroteat 10:28 on 27 May 2009
NOW DATS WOT I DID DIS MORNIING. NOW, WE WILL DO DIS LATER, IVE GOT A SHOP 2 RUN ALAN. BUT I LIKED UR CUM BACK, HATS OFF 2 DAT.

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wroteat 10:34 on 27 May 2009
U jus a high school fukin mc, - hu gets a high from drinkin pepsi,
Stop sharing u daft rhymes blud ur spreadin Hep-C,
rappin and sex are similar – you have to aim to please
i keep da ladies addicted - but i give dem no disease
I can see in ur photo u still got bum fluff on ur face,
So fuck learning how to rhyme first finish learning to tie ur lace,
U cant keep up wid me u aint got da fukkin pace,
Ur so far behind me u’ll never beat me in dis race,
Now i’m da hip hop teacher so lets have a fukkin lesson,
Get ur pen and pad and start writing down dis fukkin session,
I love hip hop so much i spray it on like c.k obsession,
Learn manners for ya elders rap wid sum amenity,
Coz im ur worst nightmare and ur worst fukin enemy,
And ur jus gettin ur words from a oxford dictionary,

Richard Jocky Wallace (Nottingham) wroteat 10:43 on 27 May 2009
yo i'll go for ng bruvva fuck sheffield an shit dough boii


Jake Mason replied to Ameesh's postat 10:59 on 27 May 2009
HA-HA-HA! Don't make me laugh, I may be old, but this man ain't daft,
you ran away and cried to your daddy, said "old Jake is a meany and a baddy"
my rhythm and rhyme made you turn to the bottle, when you noticed 'Rain Hud' had turned it up full throttle
I was the first out of the boat at Normandy and gave scum like you a life that's so carefree,
on veterans day you struggle to hand over 10p, but spend all of your money on P-Diddy (where's the justice?)
You run away from an old man when all he does is rhyming, You turned up when the best arrived, that's really bad timing
Don't think that I'm a liar in my aspertion, If we were in the war my lad you'd be shot for desertion
So if you're not fooling when you say you are staying, get ready for a good and propper slaying

You replied to Ameesh's postat 11:07 on 27 May 2009
Rhymes pour out your mouth and dribble out your ear,
Shame that you have the consistency of diarrhoea,
So go get an idea so you can clamour near,
The level of excellence I'm presenting here,
My content is complex to keep your grey matter flexed,
I ain't vexed at your stressed caps lock induced mess,
Because I'm a rap president, I make other rappers hesitant,
Your a rhyming sinner and you better repent,
Relent to me, you understand what I speak,
You gotta realise that your synonyms are weak,
So last week and meek, should be shot in the street,
Like an incontinent sheepdog that always gets beat,
I like it how you accuse me of using a dictionary,
Because my lexicon repertoire is so extraordinary,
You better get ready, cos my words are machetes,
They slice through like a hairdresser shaving a yeti,
My grasp of vocab will send you back to rehab,
Like that Winehouse girl, but you're even more of a scab,
So go ahead and tell me how many verses you shat,
Content is better, any rapper knows that,

Slikz Hudson (Nottingham) wroteat 12:12 on 27 May 2009
why would u jus randomly make a thread for alan,brian,and jake vs me and armeesh ?

You replied to Slikz's postat 13:28 on 27 May 2009
Read the first post and stop disrupting the flow of this thread. If you want to post here, rap it.

Slikz Hudson (Nottingham) wroteat 13:30 on 27 May 2009
how am i disrupting the flow of this thread ? take ma name off this thread then ya fukkin eeydiyat

You replied to Slikz's postat 13:30 on 27 May 2009
No.

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wroteat 14:14 on 27 May 2009
Content is better, I totally agree,
But dis is rap battles, anyone disagree,
I woz jus sayin u take to long to react,
Spending 24 Hours tryna write a rap,
U gotta be quick when u spittin a cum back,
Not go home and start flicking thru ur tracks,
To get da best part and den put it on dis page,
Ive had enuf of ur bullshit, okay alan paige,
If u wanna battle we need to arrange a date,
Coz da shit u doing now is really jus fake,
When we r both logged on at the same time,
Is really when we shud go at it wid the rhymes,
So wot we really need is a real time lyrical spar,
Den i’ll read ur raps and see how quick you are!!

You replied to Ameesh's postat 16:03 on 27 May 2009

Mr Marwaha seems a bit more respectful,
Perhaps he's realised that he is ineffectual,
Against this particular type of intellectual,
Discourse that flows so free and not stressful,
I pick up where I left, and that's showing you up,
You're about as effective as a dog throwing up,
A pile of bile and food past digestion,
Could muster up a rhyme with more contention,
In another time or place we could have been brothers,
Perpetrating the illegal prostitution of our significat others,
Thick as thieves, but this rap game got us both beefing,
And in this particular case I'm better at griefing,
So I respectfully say you better get outta the way,
Cos I mess up fools until they perform foreplay,
Stockholme Syndrome is what'll become of Ameesh,
It's the only way to cope when I'm off of ma leesh,

Ken Masters replied to your postat 16:29 on 27 May 2009
YEAH! That's what I'm talking about THAT SHIT WAS GOING HARD!!!111!!!

Alan edges for me at the moment.

Just.

That shit was off the chain. Ameesh, I'm feeling your flow too though. Dick Jocky's flow was weak though dog.

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wrote21 hours ago
Man U all da same person. U fink im daft. I have a so called rappin alter ego. and dats Bobby Blade, i rap under dat name. U Alan/jake/brian. U r all 1 person. Slikz woz right. Nottingham...

You replied to Ameesh's post17 hours ago
I wish you and Slikz would stop spouting such lies. Is it hard to believe that there are 3 people out there with a different opinion to you? Shame really, I thought you were moving away from being a raging mentalist and starting to get into the spirit of rap battling.

The more bars you spit the more I start to see,
That Your style is starting to emulate me,
To the point where you've started copying lines,
Imitation is flattery, so help yourself to mine,
But understand that you'll never be identical,
You'll never come close to my fresh and authentic flow,
But it is heart warming to see some improvement,
You're sounding more and more like me with every movement,
So won't the real Paigey P please stand up,
Blow this building up, and copycats ripped up,
I never trip up when it comes to stitching you up,
You're gonna get kicked in the nuts unless you wear a cup,

Ameesh Marwaha (Nottingham) wrote17 hours ago
Did you know, dat when u battle rap, u take a part of the other guy sed and flip it. And ur saying im copying u. Do u remember my lyric. U Can Have Another Chance Coz Im Like Dat Still - U Can Borrow My Rhymes I Wont Even Send U A Bill. and u jus sed - im copying lines - so help urself to mine. See, u did da same thing, u took wot i sed and flipped. Dats battle rap. So wot r on about when u say im copying rhymes. Have u eva battled before, in real time. Face to face with sum1??????

Slikz Hudson (Nottingham) wrote23 hours ago
man is an idiot the biggest....

You replied to Ameesh's post2 hours ago
Yes. I have rap battled my dad several times and I always came out on top.


Wednesday 27 May 2009

What Your Taxes Pay For

Since Swine Flu seems to have gone into hiding for the time being (until the Winter when it shall strike with furious justice), in order to pass the time, our lovely members of parliament have decided to "let slip" their expenses claims and give the public something to shout about. We've all heard about some of appalling items that these elected officials have been blowing our money on, including cheap bottles of wine, second home mortgages, and dry rot in houses that are not anything to do with their jobs. These details are slowly being revealed, but I want to expose them faster. Here is a list of MP expenses for you to get really angry about:
  • 1 bed in the shape of a guitar
  • 23 packets of sticky labels shaped like an amusing octopus
  • A bag of Doritos, but no dip
  • Copious amounts of squid ink
  • 12 novelty dildos
  • A Nissan Micra with the lyrics to Killer Queen sprayed on it in black paint
  • A signed photograph of Kaiser Soze
  • 5 Armitage Shanks toilets
  • 1 hotel on Mayfair
  • A gottle of geer
  • A course of 10 ventriloquism lessons
  • A stack of rubbish greetings cards from moonpig.com
  • N-Dubz latest single on iTunes
  • 2 haircuts
  • A microwavable quiche from Sainsburys
I'm sure that'll get some bloodvessels bursting.

Placeholder

Yes, this is a novelty placeholder post. I promise you that I am working on something pretty exciting for this Blog, but just need a little more time to finish it off. Long time readers will not be disappointed, I'm sure of it.

As for MPs expenses, I wish I could come up with some items that are more ludicrous than what they actually claimed for. I mean, one MP claimed to have his moat cleaned, and another paid for a duck island! I wish I'd made it up. Both those items put my ideas to shame.

Usually, when people get upset over something they hear on the news, I'm the kind of person who sits back and gets annoyed at the braying mob who start telling us Britain is going downhill when they simply do not understand the situation. However, in this instance, people are right to be outraged. These trusted officials have effectively stolen out of an already dwindling fund, and people are justified in not trusting them.

Anyway, tune in next time for a more substantial post. I promise it will be good.

Thursday 14 May 2009

Katie And Peter And Everyone Else

So we all heard the breaking news a couple of days ago (unless you are not from the UK) that Prince Peter Andre of Pectoral Might and Lady Katie Price of Boob-boob are set for divorce. As the nation prepares to collectively shrug its shoulders and perform a minutes nonchalance in honour of this, we are left wondering "what went wrong?".

Here's a little back story for those not in know. Katie Price (Aka Jordan) became famous for having large breasts and stumbling around drunkenly at parties. After falling over and squishing her unborn son to point where his face has more ridges than Rocky Dennis covered in McCoys crisps, she went on British Institution TV Show "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" to find a suitable babydaddy. This led her into the arms of Australian singer Peter Andre, a celebrity so washed up he'd have beg to get into a nightclub. The pair came together on national TV, conducted their whole courtship on camera, got married in Hello magazine, and then allowed an Osbournes style show to follow them around for six years. After two children, a make or break visit to America, and more photographs than a hyperactive stalker's spank bank, the pair have decided to seperate.

I must admit that I have actually been watching their TV show Katie And Peter: Stateside for the last few weeks. I'd like to be able to say that I watch it in a voyeristic, journalistic kind of way to gain further insight into the fleshy masses and discover what exactly makes them tick about insipid fashionistas such as Katie and Peter. I'd also like to say that I watch it ironically (which is an excuse for not having an excuse really), but the simple fact of the matter is, I love carcrash TV. I'm a sucker for it. I lothe and love it, like a pet parasite. There is no excuse for perpetuating this type of nonsense, and I imagine that you all now look down your noses at me.

Anyway, it occurred to me that this is all rather well timed with the current TV show. This week, an episode was airred where Katie and Peter had a row in a Segway store, which ended in Peter acting like a mature adult and threatening "You think you're going to get away with this?" in that special way that serial killers find so agreeable. Lo and behold, the very next day, press releases emerge stating that the couple have split.

Now, surely it doesn't take me to point out how conincidental that is. It also serves as food for thought, because somewhere along the line, there is something that has been staged here, whether it is the argument and subsequent split, the announcement date, or their whole relationship from start to finish.

I mean, it's not as if television hasn't faked something before, but puppeteering life changing decisions such as marriage break ups seems a little too Orwellian for my liking. We all know that reality TV is always filtered down from hours upon hours meaningless pap into something more palletable and interesting; basically a Greatest Hits anthology. However, is this a step too far?

Please don't misunderstand this as sympathy for the dullnamic duo. In fact, people who allow themselves to be governed by gossip magazines would be nothing without them. I disliked the pair of them from the moment they clung to each other in desperation for attention amidst the flora and fauna of the Celebrity Jungle. Watching their inevitable breakdown served as an amusing diversion from bleak television schedules and even bleaker news broadcasts of government expenses, which I don't intend to go into.

Either way, I wish Katie, Peter and everyone else involved success in everything they attempt next. I hope they achieve their pop careers, break free of the self destructive spirals they are in, and manage to raise at least one of their three children without it turning into flailing brat.

Friday 8 May 2009

5000 Views Office Party!

Bong thang dudes, and welcome y'all to ma crib.

Now that the multicultural opening is over and that you all feel included, I am pleased to announce some rather exciting news for MFJ. We are fast approaching 5000 views, and also now have a grand total of five followers!

Obviously, MFJ is beginning to hit its stride, which some skeptics might say is two years too late. I, however, declare that this is a glorious day to be a writer for Muppets For Justice. In order to celebrate these rather meaningless milestones, I have decided to treat you to an inside look behind the scenes at Muppets For Justice, and some of the events that have made this Blog the rollercoaster ride of hellzapoppin' fun that it is today. We start our story right at the beginning of MFJ via the medium of a bullet point list:

  • Addman, whilst feeling slightly under the influence from eating an out of date yoghurt, conceives the original concept for Muppets For Justice. The surviving blueprints detail an interdimensional multimedia experience with newsfeeds, podcasts, t shirts, strobe lights, blimps, and retina detaching laser light shows.
  • Budget cuts force Muppets For Justice to settle on becoming a Blog, hosted by the wonderful people at Blogger, who now owe me commission.
  • Fort is discovered at a Mexican hat dancing festival. Addman convinces him to join after sampling some of his tasty chilli.
  • MFJ becomes a sleeper hit across the world with its witty banter, sharp observations, and egotism.
  • The people of the world conveniently forget about MFJ in what was, according to Addman, "A great big electromagnetic storm that kills your braincells and stuff!".
  • The Blog continues as usual for a while, until Fort has to take exams and Addman gets pulled onto other projects.
  • A year passes in the MFJ office without a new update. The pair recruit one George Broussard of 3D Realms to coordinate and motivate the team and start outputting fresh content.
  • George is fired after showing a lackluster Duke Nukem Forever trailer as his presentation for how to get the Blog back on track.
  • Barack Obama is elected as President Of The United States. Not sure how this is related, but no timeline is complete without it.
  • Addman finally makes a comeback after stringing along yet another scammer! MFJ is back on track!
  • Toast is proved to be tastier with jam rather than marmalade.
  • Piers Morgan lodges a complaint against MFJ.
  • His complaint turns out to be against the Nazi Superweapons post, and the not the one which details him as a tedious cunt. He conceeds that most of the points raised against him were true, and in fact, helped his reputation somewhat.
  • This list is produced.
And there you have it! A timeline which details every significant event that happened along the way to the present day. Here's to another 5000 views and another 5 followers.

Friday 1 May 2009

Why I Love The Credit Crunch

I want you to try something with me. Close your eyes (after you've finished reading this sentence, otherwise you won't be able to read what I want you to do, stupid!) for a few seconds, and visualise the word 'RECESSION'.

... Done it yet? No doubt you saw endless floating pie charts, graphs spiralling to the floor, and big red arrows pointing downwards towards the Earth's core, suggesting that is the place where all the fat cat bankers are headed. You probably also saw nervous government officials unsure of themselves, and businessmen in suits and ties forced to live on the streets, licking melted cheese off of a discarded McDonald's burger box. All very boring stuff really, is it not?

Recession, recession, recession. The word itself is dull, dreary, and frankly, gloomy. So cast your mind back to just little under a year ago, and you'll be surprised to realise that we weren't talking about 'Recession', but talking about 'The Credit Crunch'. Credit Crunch is much more happy-go-lucky term of affection for a period of thrift and collective batoning down of proverbial hatches. It's a term that includes people when it comes to the tightening of those expensive River Island belts that we were able to afford back in 2007, when every single one of us were rich and guilt free with our spending. It is basically a marketing term to glamorise the most unglamorous of economical disasters, and personally, I much preferred it. Plus, it also conjured up the image of a giant Pac-Man creature made of money breaking into a stock trading floor and "crunching" on the traders.

The Credit Crunch only used to affect bankers, and those people looking at imaginary figures and graphs on a screen known as stock traders. It didn't attack you and me, the average Joe on the street, giving us the opportunity to point and laugh at the cataclysmic failure of those highly paid financial folks, who were previously untouchable. We in the 'real economy' were unaffected, and as such, could all hold hands together and collectively enjoy the Crunch. It saw prices of petrol fall by about 40p, which meant that we could all go out for Sunday drives without a care for the environment. Not only that, but the housing market went tits up, which meant that lawyers and estate agents were suddenly in trouble. Glorious news for those of us in the real economy.

But then, someone had the sheer audacity to spoil these marvellous times for us by uttering the word 'Recession'. As soon as this happened, the good times were over. Suddenly, all of our high street shops started shutting, which was all well and good when it only affected stores that are run by absolute cockflutes such as Woolworths, but then it started to take out decent stores and hit independant retaillers. The harsh reality hit home that very few of us would be recieving payrises the next fiscal year too, thus making us incapable of stimulating the economy again by going out and spending money. Thanks recession! How am I going to buy the latest iteration of the iPhone and kit it out with Jamster ringtones now?!

2008 was a much better year due to the Credit Crunch. It was made all worthwhile in the the single act of successfully banishing that annoying goit Howard from the Halifax adverts, but it also did other decent acts of public service.

For another example; it created a rather comical political circus where politicians danced around the issue, unable to explain to anyone exactly what was happening and how it could be resolved. It made Gordon Brown (a man who was previously the "guy who is good with money" for the government) look like a total failure, whilst the Tories didn't fare much better either. Conservative, David Cameron, started leaping around mentioning the word 'change' in every sentence. Now, change is a nice word, but coming from a party known as "The Conservatives" is surely the most hypocritical thing possible. It'd be like the Liberal Democrats taking away women's right to vote, or the Child Protection Agency offering work experience to known paedophiles. It was all very amusing.

So, what have we learned from this experience? Basically, as soon as you try and get real about a problem, things start to become worse. It is much better to sugarcoat a problem, ignore it, or even celebrate it, in the hope that it will soon go away. If you're going to have an economical disaster, you'll probably be better off if you don't try and address it head on. Everyone can enjoy a crisis if it is distanced from themselves, and will be much happier for it. Down with Recession, up with Credit-a-saurus.