The Scarab Beetle Challenge

“Thank you Carl for nominating me.  I nominate Liz Harlow, Jamie T, and Graham!  Good luck everyone!”

This was my first exposure to the scarab beetle challenge.  Dave promptly plunged a bucket full of clicking, hissing death onto himself, scattering scarab beetles all over himself and his bathroom floor. As I watched the video of ravenous insects burrowing their way into my best friend’s flesh, I couldn’t help but wonder at the futility of it all.  Sure, the challenge was raising awareness for people who have been eaten from the inside out by scarab beetles, and it was raising money for charity, but I wasn’t sure if this was the best way to highlight their plight.

Dave’s agonised panting faded away as the video cut to black.  I clicked on a suggested video which depicted another friend violently maiming themselves for a good cause.  As Gemma’s soft tissues were converted into delicious homes for another family of hungry beetles, I still found the video content shocking, but already the impact had been lessened.  After witnessing another 5 of these videos, I became desensitised to it completely.  People were being eaten alive in front of my glazed eyes, and yet I felt totally numb to their pain.  By the 6^th video I wasn’t sure why I was watching these voyeuristic torture films anymore.  YouTube’s suggestions had already taken me far outside of my circle of friends, and I found myself watching unknown randoms performing the challenge.  The videos started to blur into one cacophony of human misery.  I idly clicked the next link and waited for the content to finish buffering.

“Hi, I’m Ramon.  Today I will be doing the scarab challenge on behalf of cancer research!”

Wait, that’s not in the rules.  I thought the point was to raise money and awareness for people injured by scarab beetles.  I was appalled that someone dared to hijack this good cause on behalf of another charity.  I mean, cancer already has a lot of charities devoted to it, but there is not enough done to aid the historians who find themselves the victims of flesh-eating booby traps in dusty Egyptian tombs.  As a beetle burrowed noisily into Ramon’s brain, I clicked the video away out of disgust.  That charlatan wouldn’t be getting any more Internet traffic from me!

At that point I received an alert to say that I had been tagged in a video online.  I clicked the alert and was greeted by an image of my own sister holding a familiar bucket.

“Not you too…” I muttered out loud.  I pressed play and prayed that it was a joke.

“Hello everyone!  Today I’m doing the scarab beetle challenge on behalf of people with Parkinsons.  I nominate Cheryl, Jimmy, and my brother, Kyle!”

This had to be a joke.

Once the screaming had subsided and the sounds of a paramedic rushing to the scene finished the video, I sat in stunned silence for a few seconds.  I had been nominated.  Everyone in my circle would be expecting a video of me, covered in a man-devouring swarm of insects, to be uploaded within the next 24 hours. 

My survival instinct said no, but my overwhelming desire to be accepted by my peers said that I had to do it.  My life wouldn’t be worth living if I didn’t do it.  People would spit on me in the street more so than usual.  I couldn’t have my friends and family believe that I was an uncharitable sort.  The money that it could raise could save someone’s life.  I briefly considered making a video of me just giving some money to charity, be that would be “unsporting” and “not in the spirit”.  I could hear their mockery already, plying on a peer pressure that I hadn’t felt since my friends dared me to piss off of a bridge in primary school.

My fate was already sealed.  I went outside and inflated the paddling pool, then promptly purchased an order of beetles from Amazon on next day delivery.

You Were Always On My Timeline

As a master of the literary arts, there’s much more to my repertoire than the humorous penis jokes that I usually post here.  In fact, deep down I am a very delicate and complex soul, like a rickety, antique clothes mangle.  It may surprise you to learn that I am actually something of a poet.

That’s right.  My life’s motto has always been “prose before hoes”.  On any given day, you are likely to find me sitting under a tree next to a river, pondering  the subtleties and subtexts of my latest creations, and definitely not peeing in the river.  I forged my craft at amateur poetry readings, made iambic pentameter my bitch, and honed my poetry skills in the fires of public readings.  Here is my latest effort; a commentary about our 21^st century online romances.  It’s called You Were Always On My Timeline.  Please enjoy.

These people have in no way influenced my poetry, just so you know.

Maybe I didn't tweet you
Quite as much as I should have
Maybe I didn't poke you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

Maybe I didn't invite you
All those Candy Crushing times
And I guess I never told you
I'm happy when you're online
My status you had to second guess
I'm so sorry I was blind
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

Tell me, tell me Google Plus will never die
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied


Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

You were always on my timeline it's true
I never followed anyone else but you
You were on my mind and in my circle
I barely social networked but you
You were always
I tried so hard I thought you knew
My love I’d tag myself for you
I’ll give up work to have the time
And I guess you couldn't read my mind
You were always

You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

I hope you enjoyed that.  If you didn't then you obviously don't appreciate good poetry that in no way infringes on copyrighted materials from a certain 80's/90's synth-pop duo.  That, my friends is your problem, not mine.

Gideon's Guide To Social Networking

Hello twats!

It is I, George Osborne. Some of you might know me as "Gideon", while others in the North may know me as "Oi Twat", as I found out while visiting a steel mill in Sheffield. An aide reliably informed me that "twat" means "gentleman of reputable nature", so I've made it my word of the week. Rest assured, myself and the rest of the cabinet are a bunch of massive twats. And twattettes. We mustn't forget about Theresa May.

Regardless, I've had my good chums over at GCHQ take over a few Internet blogs to spread the good word about the coalition government. That's why I have borrowed ##THE MUPPETS OF JUSTICE##  today, and will be giving it back shortly after some minor improvements. I really think this place could use a dash of blue and a logo that resembles a blind kid's rendition of a tree.

More importantly, however, is what your government can do for you. Did you know that you can earn money by supporting the Conservatives via social media sites? That right. Myself, Dave and Boris are all willing to give up to £50 for every like we get on Facebook. This is because we made a bet with the Liberal Democrats over who was most popular. If the Lib Dems win, they get to keep their precious NHS.  A fool's errand!

We are also encouraging our Twitter followers to retweet us into oblivion. Do you remember Dave's latest completely intentional Barack Obama joke?

"I've been speaking to @BarackObama about the situation in Ukraine. We are united in condemnation of Russia's actions."

Or how about the wonderful times we've shared online together, such as this:

Oh how we laughed, although I didn't fully understand it.

Of course, we are aware that some people find politicians on Facebook and Twitter as repugnant as the gigantic queen slug that shat out us Bullingdon boys, where we germinated in our mucus membranes until we resembled humanoid lifeforms.However, we are willing to pay cold hard cash for popularity. Just like in real life, we will throw money at people until they like us.

Don't think of this as a waste of taxpayer's money. The money for my followers actually comes from my father's account in the Cayman Islands. See, I'm just like you in that way; willing to throw my undeserved pool of wealth into a popularity venture, just as any old Tom, Dick and Harry off the street would do.

By liking us, over time you may actually learn to love us, like victims of abuse. We will keep you updated on how shit Europe is, all of Boris's private shareholder meetings, and how many GQ awards I've won for being the world's best politician.  We promise not to mention The Big Society again since we're killing it quietly, so there's no need to worry about that.  If we can at least stop people from retweeting Ed Balls for a few days, that would be a massive victory for our term in government.

Tally bye you lovely twats, and I look forward to seeing you on the social media site of your choice.

You Have Notifications Pending

Is it just me, or is Facebook getting a little passive-aggressive in the notifications emails it sends out?

Dear Addman,

You have notifications pending on Facebook.  Here's some of the tantalising, fun-filled action you've missed out on because you've not signed in for several days, you naughty boy!

17 of your friends updated their status.  Some of the highlights include classic one liners such as "Just had beans for tea!" or the universally acclaimed "put my son in the bath. went outside to have a ciggy, came back and he'd slipped underwater. lol!".

I'm sure you'll agree, it's been an absolute laugh-riot while you've been away!

3 friends were also tagged in drunken pictures.  5 friends changed their profile pictures to ones taken in their bathroom mirror with a camera phone, whilst pouting.  7 friends posted albums worth of photos of their kids, which they're understandably proud of, so you should be too!

You've also been invited to join in with several thousands, pants-dampeningly exciting games.  Log on now to join your friends in Vampires vs More Vampires, Superhero Bugaloo and Farmville 2:  Foot And Mouth Outbreak.  

On the subject of games, perhaps you'd be interested in building an entire city on City Blox?  Thich is in no way a very poor re imagining of Sim City, if it was imagined by a man with no imagination.

Oh, by the way, your girlfriend just changed her marital status to Single.  This is because you didn't respond to her on Facebook Messenger for 20 minutes, you heartless bastard!  I mean, why did you even sign up to Facebook if you don't want to check Facebook that often?  You disgust me.

To stop you offending any more people, we're seriously considering shutting down your account unless you log on within the next 2 hours.  You'll also need to provide your mobile phone number, so we can legitimise your account, and we'll require some DNA samples, just to check that you're still you.  We do this for your own good because you can't be trusted to manage your own friends and contacts.  Why don't you ever tell everyone where you are at every moment of the day?  Why don't you inform everyone what you ate for breakfast?  Why, if you've ordered something and it turns up late, don't you rant about it online?  You're alienating everyone, you twisted weirdo!

Love n' Kisses
Facebook

I've got to admit, I'm a little scared.

I Hate Facebook

Although it’s been said many times, many ways; I hate Facebook.

It wasn’t always this way. A few years ago, Facebook was one of my favourite things on the Internet. There were fun times to be had with humorous status updates, catching up with old friends, and insulting people on various extreme right wing groups.

Back in 2009 I started using the Notes feature to automatically import posts from Muppets For Justice directly onto my Facebook profile. You just simply pointed it at your URL, and it created a Note everytime it detected a new post, then alerted all of your friends to it. This was a brilliant automatic feature. For a long time I had two small communities following the stuff I’d written, one on Blogger, and one on Facebook which my family and friends read.

Then, the evil Lord Zuckerberg noticed that Facebook had become an Internet sensation. Hundreds of millions of people were logging on every day to tell the world what they had for dinner, or to insult their boss after adding their boss as a friend, and this pleased Zuckerberg.




So ladies, what first attracted you to the fabulously wealthy Mark Zuckerberg?

Despite his billions from advertising revenue and millions of loyal minions, he still found himself worried by a new social network launched by Google, appropriately named Google+. This angered the Dark One. How dare someone try and emulate his success? It’s not like he’d ever taken elements from other people’s websites to try and improve his own. Facebook Chat is in no way like other IM programs such as MSN Messenger (or as it’s now known, Live. God, that makes me feel old). This new social network would have to die. Sitting in his crimson citadel of the damned, the Demon Prince Of Teh Internets began to formulate a plan.

Fast forward a month or two, and Facebook suddenly drops its support for importing posts from Blogger (a Google company). For someone like me, that meant my readership was instantly cut in half. By way of apology for this heinous crime, Facebook cheerfully announces “you can always link people to your Blog through status updates”.

Thanks a fucking bunch for this helpful fucking feature you fucking fuckity fuckers! I’m so pleased that a beautifully automated process has been replaced with one which requires me to manually pester my friends and family like an extreme version of Nathan Barley.  As if people don't hate me enough!

So, there I go, laboriously posting a link each and every time I update (and yes, my problems are just as important as third world famine), when suddenly, Facebook informs me that I cannot post links to Muppets For Justice any longer, as it has been reported as "offensive".

What the titty-drippings is so offensive about my blog?  This place is about as offensive as a Christian pamphlet.  Or perhaps a Christian pamphlet folded in such a way that it looks like a phallus.

On another note, have you noticed that Facebook tends to display updates from people you don’t really like? According to my extensive research (i.e. a video that someone showed me), there is an algorithm which calculates how often you interact with certain people, and then shows you the status updates the people you are least interested in. It would seem that this is an effort to stop you from neglecting your least favourite friends. However, what this fails to realise is that there’s probably a strong case for not talking to those people very often. Perhaps it’s the annoying way in which they post every minute detail about their moronic children:

“shaneliza jus woke up an puked on herself!!! shes so clever!!!!1 i love mine princess foreva neva forget babydoll loves always!!!!!!!!!!11”

Or maybe it’s the moronic way in which women that end up in bad relationships end up posting things like this on a monthly basis:

“stupid fuckin men r all the same!!!! much better off single wiv my baby girl shaneliza huw i luv more than life itself!!!!!!”





I hope that one day these people will realise that, in a moment of self reflection, the only constant in their failed romances is themselves. The fact that Facebook tries to cram more of this junk onto my screen is one of the most annoying aspects.

Oh and in case you’re wondering, yes I will still be using Facebook, yes I do have a tendency towards hyperbole, and yes, the rages are becoming more frequent.  Next time, a rant on how much I hate reaching for the remote control.  I can feel a lie down in a darkened room coming on. And a wank.

The Shalom Saga: Part 2

A big "Shalom" goes out to all of you lovely readers. No doubt you're pants-wettingly excited for the next instalment of this truly monumental moment of Internet history. Well, I shall delay no further. We jump right back into the action after I've sent Anny Wany a message to try and apologise to her for not sending her a message over the weekend.

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



yess..!! !! i really love you..., i dont know how....? because i can falling in love again..( with u ) ..!! before.....i.m not guess!!!, sorry my my brad ..

i,m glad to hear that you are want to call me and return i want try to call you too at this time ( 07:33PM - 0854PM) why.....!!!whatever you'r reason, it's the best for u.
you can call me a 08:00AM-19:00PM(GMT).

My brad....! i say " you always in my heart, in my mind, in my soul , and what about you to me....!!.can you teach me in English , honey...?, i can't English very well.!! sorry.. . what s the meaning's " SHABBA" ..? can you tell me.please..?!!

zzzz.....zzzzz. , oh hi..today i.m very tired..., very2.tired , cause my best friend from college ( ceacillia) call me from Bali. surprise ..., but it,s too long , so my ear insensitive..., tirsty, hungry....zzzzzz....zz....zzzz...., however i want to send message for you, before going to bed....dream of you .zzz......zzzzz.. . .., good night honey....!!

love u...

u'r Annya Wany

Ok, now we're cooking with gas. I should give relationship advice or something like that! Anyway, Anny wants to learn how to speak the Queen's English. I shall become her tutor.

Bradton Paige



Shakira, Anny!

Anny, I am so happy to hear that you are in love with me. Your love is making my condition feel better every day. This morning I was able to move my big toe! At this rate, a kiss from you could have me running up and down the walls like crazy! I feel like I could love you for the forseeable future too!

I would be grateful if you would try and ring me as my telecoms provider (who I mentioned earlier. The ones who gave me Internet trouble) don't like it when I ring anyone except my grandma. The cost of the call isn't an issue to me though, I have more than enough money thanks to the disability benefits I receive and I'm considered to be quite wealthy. I didn't want to mention this earlier as I thought you'd only want me for my money, but I can now see that this is not the case as you are a caring, considerate woman who wishes to fornicate with an invalid such as myself.

Your English is almost perfect Anny. When you first messaged me, I thought it was a message from the Queen herself! However, if you learn want grammar good yes, I show wonderfully show you to the forming words in harmony. Here are a few words that you might need if you visit England:

Mug: Refers to a drinking container, a method of robbery, or a man who you don't like.

Slag: A term used to describe women who are provocative and will perform lewd acts in exchange for coins of the realm.

Muppet: A Fraggle that has levelled up too much.

Carpet: Something you walk on.

Jedward: A mythical beast with two heads. Each head is assigned to licking one of Louis Walsh's balls.

Parsnip: A vegetable that is often used during foreplay.

Oxygen: You'll need plenty of this in England! I don't think you've invented oxygen in Indonesia yet, but you'll get the hang of it pretty soon if you come here.

Hermaphrodite: A type of crab found off the coast of Cornwall.

Balsamic Vinegar: A type of vinegar that contains balsamic properties.

Credit Crunch: A type of breakfast cereal. Tastes great with stock broker's tears.

Short Shorts: What you will be required to wear. It's like an English uniform for women.

Are there any phrases or words you would like to learn? I'll teach you everything you need to know.

I'm pleased that you are dreaming of me Anny. I don't know if I dare admit this, but I had a naughty dream involving you, a horse, an electrode, and a vat of liquidised Cheesestrings. If you want the details, we broke into a Cheesestrings factory on horseback, shocked the guards with the electrode, and escaped with enough Cheesestrings to turn our skin pale yellow. I hope your dreams are as pleasant as mine.

Shish Kebab

Your Bradberry.

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



hahahaha.....u 'are very naughty....hem.emmmmm.a kiss from me.....memm..uah.....! you can feel............?????, close you'r eyes give me you'r hand darling, do you feel my hearth beating, do you understand, do feel the same .........???????, !!you make me like teenager you know., but i like it..

bradberry.......as you know i din't interseting grammar ,it.s too difficult to learn, just like america...( slank... to be easy....wkakkwakkkkkkk...). . but if you teach me.....and as reward from me i can you kiss...and kiss... for every day....!!!!!!!, easy ..my brad...!!!, so i get something that i needed....( good pronuncciation with you)., look my interseting to make a messages u......., i think have a progress ..wit my english..., so thx my brad....!!

by the way, you still have dad n'mom...?, are you living there..or grandma..! i can imagine that you are very attached,!!.huhhh. now you 'are 40th., you my own!!!! hahaha.!!!......i want to embrace you...and than you kiss my lips with slowly.....wow...it's sound very sexy.., but .nice....!!! .

some words of you makes me so illfeel, don't talk your about money.please...in our case., i love whatever you are..so can you love me as i love you ..??!! what are the hot locals girls more..love your money than your!????, oh my god...its very terrible...for me.If someone have a true love... , should be to accept his/her couple in all condition whatever , however and than never.....!! absoulute.!! NO MOTIV .PROFIT!.OK.

MY BRADBERRY......, do you have a breakfast now....?,so wake up..i,m prepare hot chocolate.... for ours, mmmmmm, any cheeseburger made of me...too!!! nice...
In Indonesia i ussually going to AH-american hamburger.!it can found there with some rupiahs. ( 1U$ = RP 9.300, so you can pay RP 15.00 for 1 cups drinks and hamburger).

okey..my Bradberry....., slow but sure i want to teach you with Indonesian language.., easy to learn, easy to understand....( now i.m you private teacher and you too). JESUS LOVE YOU!!!!

Wellcome to Indonesia,.wellcome to my life

Your Anny Wany

No Motive, no profit? That's not how we do business in this crazy cyberland which we inhabit together! Let's see if we can up the stakes a little bit...

Bradton Paige



Shaparone to you Anny.

It's great that you are familiar with The Bangles as they are one of my favourite bands. I went to see them live in the old country, oh the songs! What other music are you familiar with? I hope that you Indonesians have discovered the magic that is NDubz, otherwise you may England to be a strange and frightening place. I'll send an album out to the address that you provided so you can have a good old bop along to it.

Since we're talking about family, you might be saddened to learn that my father died rather recently. He was blowing up balloons and one snapped back into his face, pushing his eye into his brain. He was a good man who used to visit the children's hospital and give all of the poorly kids a nice massage, so it's sad that he's gone. My mother is still alive though, but she's probably staggering around in Amsterdam drunk off of her tits. She always turns up in the weirdest places. How are you parents? I would like to meets them. Does your house have wheelchair access?

It's reassuring to know that want me for my body and brains rather than my wallet, but know this Anny. When we get married next Thursday, you will want for nothing except sexual fulfilment. I will take us away on a honeymoon to an exotic country, such as Indonesia. You'd love it there; miles of sandy beaches which I won't be able to go myself because my chair will sink in the sand.

You have progressed with your English Anny Wanny, so much so that you are starting to create your own words through the process of coinage. Slank is a great word and I shall be using it to describe my friends and family in due course. Here's some more words:

Beans: A musical fruit.

Orange: A colour, and a non-musical fruit.

Crackers: White people who just don' know how to act.

Jupiter: A big gassy planet with the Eye Of Sauron on it.

Umbrella: Something which you can stand under.

Marmalade: Bait used to catch the mysterious bear which lurks around Paddington Station.

That's all for now. I hope you enjoy your breakfast of chocolate cheeseburgers. Please send photographs of them on you.

Yours throbbingly

Bradberry.

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



Bradton my computer in trouble all you 'r message it,s gone !!!., i don.t know how. at least i have allready read and copy in a paper. for all you'r messeges , ....please forgive me.!!. maybe my inbox it's too full...and overload...!!

My dad and mom wads died 8 years ago,my dad an accident, my mom destroyed by cancer...!! we are the big family :( all 7): 2 my little brother as a marines, 1 my big brother as an art teacher , 1 my old teacher as an art teacher too. they are have a family..( couple).

don't be sad.. ?about your dad and mom., .JESUS love both you'r parent. u'r dad IN HEAVEN. here are grandma who love you and ,me too.

Are you sure we are getting married....?, what about you' r grandma on me..?, what are knowing me, are you telling her..?. and what about your mom..too.?.
Thinks before.you do it.! we have age a gap. . i don,t want you regreat later..!

But i,m proud just as i.m!!, no body can hurt me anymore.....!!Okey Brad...i want send some photographs later , after accept your letter that i reached it...

Be my Bradberry...forever...!!

Anny Wany.

Bradton Paige



Shark, Anny!

Your messages have been deleted? How did that happen? Perhaps the nefarious Mr Zuckerberg is prying into our messages and wants to put a stop to our blossoming love. However, he did not bank on the power of our love transcending Facebook and the Internet altogether! I am with you Anny, can you feel me blowing over you like a cold draft from a cracked window? Like a drop of melted snow plopping onto you through a leaky roof? You really should do this place up.

I am sorry to hear about your parents, but you and I both know that they are in a better place now, rubbing shoulders with my dad, Elvis, Pol Pot, David Carridine, Bob Geldof, and all those other guys. Jesus has saved their souls for his collection, and has probably pressed them into his stickerbook of salvation. My dad's soul is probably a rare shiny.

As for marriage, I was only joking about next Thursday (trademark British humour har de har) but it is my intention to marry you at some point during our illustrious love affair. After Christmas would be best because I would be unsure what to get you as a gift until we knew each other a little better. I've told my grandma about you and she said that you sound lovely, but that I should be careful when meeting strange ladies online. She says I shouldn't settle for a woman who doesn't have a cooch snugger than a pair of slippers, whatever that means. I think she means that I have to be comfortable with you, and Anny, I feel like I've known you forever.

Looking forward to seeing your photographs and your burger buns.

Yours erectly

Bradberry.

At this point, Anny Wanny starts to bring back some of that trademark bonkers stalky stuff. I fail to respond to one of her messages overnight due to sleep, and I'm greeted with these messages the next day:

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



Brad....., if i hear the songs of " Chicago, Bangles, Phill Colins (Genesis) , i want to go to far away from Indonesia, i need others situation, others place to found " Best places for me " , i want flying high........, i feel i don't have anything to make' s me happy........, so i just and only depent to MY LORD JESUS. ... i have no parent.. to be share.........., all my sister/brother have activity..for him/herself...!! but i have nephew , his name Angga Prasetyo find at my friend list ( red t-shirt) , he's work as instructure fitness in a GYM. Maybe you can add on you,r fb- .

He, s knowing my sadness, my problem..., my obsetion, , sometimes he can be my friend , sometime i can be " nice aunty" for him.. .His mom..( my old sister, she's beautifull, her face like my late dad) .

Brad.....are you still pray...??, JESUS is MY PRIORITY in my life.!!, and than..my activity...as a...administrator. Full igve thanks to JESUS. He's my SAVIOR,.!!. since i found you ,....i feel better too. i found my happines..!!, i can share with u. without pressure. thx my Brad..

I want to know, what are you thinking about me..!!, as a moody woman. Fisiclly i,m cute..many people say...i,m mungil.= cute......like teenager..! i 'd better by jeans and t-shirt, sometime sack- dress to going church. .. Relax.......! , 5 years ago i have a good job in Contactor company as a Purchasing . single fighter..., taft....! Now is collaps. ( Hyundai group). it,s over too..

i,am workalholic...., love in dicipline..and others.!! what about you...?may i question ..?" what wrong with you'r sexual", have problem.., maybe..! sorry..... Do not worry , it,s okey..!

How about you'r mom.., in Amsterdam- Dutch!. I hope everything it,s allright with her
You should be pray for her happiness.. That i believe she 's very love u.Brad. there are still love you, concern with you, " Grandma' how old your grandma n'mom..?.

Okey..my Brad..time to school...please, or home schooling .?, i want to bath.....!!
Love you always....

Anny Wany


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



Morning..Brad, ....

I want to inform you, that today i have long trip to part of one the city in Indonesia, so you can,t find me anymore in mf FB. ( this is my duty as a marketing from my office).

I want to say "good by" let me bring my dream with you, i f i can't deny my feeling with you , i call you later ..to you'r handphone......, please take cares of your's..Brad...!!!!.Jesus blessing you now and forever.( i ,m very needed your provided .( address in Dagenham) , once upon a time, i can..send you something as a souvenir from me. keep it!!, thx Brad....

So long....

Anny


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



Sorry me, i can't hide my tears.!!


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



Hi....Brad, are you over there..!!are you angry...whit me..?, are you going to bed.zzzzz...zzz?. Say' something to me please, before i, d go, ! . I,m in this my office now.please . allright. excusme.

Alright, this has gone on long enough. Time to put this one in the vault. Let's invent an excuse to get out of this relationship. How about a jealous grandmother?

Bradton Paige



Slalom Anny Wany

Please forgive my lack of messages. You'll have to excuse me as I was asleep. Sleep is probably a bizarre concept to someone such as yourself who is used to toiling constantly through the night, but over here we have the luxury of rest.

Anyway, I'm afraid I have some terrible news Anny. My Grandma is against our proposed marriage. She said that if I were to marry you, she'd shave my legs and leave me chained to a lamppost outside of a working men's club, without pants on.

I am so sad that she refuses to acknowledge our love. I love her so much, but I love you too. I would do anything for love, but I won't get buggered by a hairy drunk. I simply refuse. How can I make her see that you are good for me?

Yours yoursingly

Your Bradflakes

Brad


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



I can't hide from you,....., as you now tonight i, m cry...., your messages make me deep in sadness. but i want to fully restpect to your grandma, i can love her too.!!
(can't you give me Dagenham area code, i want to call you/sms by handphone).

My cars almost an accident, Brad, i can't contoll my emotion., very-very ......in sadness.

Tomorrow i want to send messages in Indonesian...., you can look for the transletor . .
I can't talk too much this night....

Night Brad..( kiss me please, i miss you very much).

Anny Wany.

You almost crashed your car because an old lady thousands of miles away has reservations about you using her grandchild as a method to get into their country? Enough of this!

Bradton Paige



Shakaka Anny

I'm sure you can love my grandma. Would you love her softly and gently or would you love her hard? I'm sure my grandma would like it either way.

Anny, are you on the whacky baccy? I already gave you my phone number and area code for Dagenham. Have you lost it? I am looking forward to making vocal exchanges with your face.

Please do not crash your car because of my grandma. My grandma wouldn't want you to die, she just wouldn't want you within 50 miles of me. She said that actually.

Anny, I cannot kiss you as I currently using the Internet to communicate with you. Perhaps when my grandma is dead and you come to Dagenham, we can have a wet, slobbery smooch under the gleaming arches of McDonalds. Until then, you'll have to pretend.

Yours takingthepissoutofyou-ingly

Bradley Wiggins.


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



Night.! Hi......, can i say goodby for you.., Brad.!! I hope you can be grandchild , tobe your grandma...!. Jesus Love You.

Anna Maria


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



it,s mean good grandchild, to your grandma..!! Jesus love you'r.....always..


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



" Pray" and Bible. ( my phothograph in profile).

Morning... Night for U..., Brad Wiggins..., Hi...guys......i. have disspointed with you, so why......?, yeah., you talk to me that " i,m is vocals face."! , .., i have a PRINCIPLES , as i,m.! I have high Dicipline's on me. ...i have....etc.... , don't never talk like this to me please , i know you are..have ..! , everything you want's get, in your life . !!. guys.... Don't have in your mind that i want robber your rich....!!. okey..?. Please thx. Or...are you have a hot locals girls now...?, more better than i, more beautifull than i.

However, i,m really sorry...that i..decided to ..finish our love.....?.really sorry..., i. never won't hurt you. but you have hurt me ealier.! So can we.....revice our love..?
I want to make it happens , that i really love your grandma, make a breakfast for her, make it happy for her, as i can do for you.

Brad are you ..read my messages now....?..please say...something to me..!, sent my apology to grandma....!

Off course.., you hate me now.., you angry now....!, please send to me your messages. Do it for me...!!!we can restar a new beginning to us. Maybe..! would you...!

I hope everything it,s okey with you and grandma., have a nice holiday. My Brad......( even you hate me, i stilll love u, and you'r in my hearth always). Jesus always love you.
me too.

Anny Wany.

You're not very good at taking hints Anny. Perhaps something more direct will help you out.

Bradton Paige



Anny, I'm afraid something terrible has happened.

As a wheelchair user, I often smoke marijuana to cope with the pain. I keep loads of it in the attic, but my Grandma in all of her jealous rage has informed the police and now I am being investigated. I am going to prison, Anny, for a long time. Years possibly.

Anny, I am so sorry that things have come to this. I will terminate our communications as the police want to know where I've been getting it from. If they find out that I've been talking to someone in Indonesia, they'll suspect you too. I suggest that you delete all of your messages from me to make sure that the police cannot trace this back to you. I'd hate it if that happened.

Be safe my Anny Wany. Please do not get caught up in this web of red tape that I am currently ensnared in. Know that me and my noodle-knees will always be thinking of you when I am engaged in red hot homosexual sex with the burliest man in the prison shower room.

I have since received four further messages expressing a mixture of confusion and disbelief (or so I believe). Rather than post them all and make this post longer than a really long thing being stretched, I'll post the best one here as closure. I hope you have enjoyed the Shalom saga and I hope that Jesus will forgive me for leading his strongest disciple astray. Tally bye!

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



You lier to me......! can you tell me what really happens with you honey...?
I think you lier , you bulshit about you 'r in a PRISON. How can.

I,m not sure that you ensnareed to smoke marijuana.
That,it lier...!! please so tell me....why....????????????????????????

What do you wants from me..?, i believe that you more needed me. .I can besides you..

Can i visit to Dagenham.., i want to see you..., i want to resign from my office now..! all everything feel so empty...! Can you accept me in Dagenham, i want to stay close with you and grandma.OK. said to me

The Shalom Saga: Part 1 (possibly)

Hello, hola, guten morgen, bonjour, and ay up me duck. Today, I am pleased to introduce you to Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari (or Anny for short). Anny is a crazy chick from Indonesia who is cruising for a Western boyfriend, possibly so that she can escape her impoverished country and live the high life on a council estate somewhere near Dagenham. I received a message from her and decided to roll with it. Here is the original message:

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



NIce to meet u on....can i joint with u'r fb, so can you add my fb..please.....! i want to relationship with u. iam indonesian............!!!Jesus Love U....guys......!!

A relationship you say? But you don't even know me! Time for a new fake account to shine. I assume the role of Bradton, a character who I hoped would put her off coming to England for good. Bradton is wheelchair bound, which I assumed would put her off straight away but it only made her more enthusiastic. Here's my response:

Bradton Paige



Hi Anna, lovely to meet you. Are you really interested in a relationship with me? You look rather lovely, how old are you? I'm from the UK, so I imagine that a relationship with you in Indonesia might be difficult to attain, but I willing to give it a try as you are beautiful.

However, before we embark on our wonderful relationship together, I have something that I must tell you. I am leg mental. Neither of my legs work thanks to a motorcycle accident when I was 6 years old (I tried to jump over three other children on a Harley Davidson). Does this fact jeopardise our relationship, or are you prepared to love me for who I really am (a cripple)?

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



Shalom.............., morning .....Bradton....!!!do not worry about u...!! Jesus always love u....guys....!!!..., if near the distance UK-----Indonesia..., i can close with.u.., whatever u'r condition...i don't care...... i can feel your....sadness......, but i can support with u..., by pray...from here...( indonesia).........., as Jesus always love ..to ...anybody.. " he love unconditional.." ..so lovelly....meet and knowing u...more.....! i,am..37 th...., how old are u..to..?, every nigh i want to pray for u, we ask to JESUS.., " ONLY HIM can do MIRACLE " JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!.., would u be my friend....?so would u add my FB...please...?, we can chatt...more .......!!, make u priority in u'r life that JESUS EVERYTHING.....! HE can help u.......! can i seee u'r SMILE............?????.. Yes...u'are my BEST FRIEND NOW....., in my Hearth now.., in my Pray...now..!! always...

It seems that Anna knows very little about British men except that they are from a Christian nation, so they must love Jesus by default. I've always wanted to be in someone's "hearth", but I always banged my head on the mantle piece.

Bradton Paige



Anny (can I call you Anny? You can be my Anny Wanny), I am pleased to hear that you still want to be with me despite my poorly bottom half. Many English women won't look at me twice and sometimes spit at me when I ask them if they want to dance. I am over the moon that you are strong minded enough to see past my spaghetti legs.

In answer to your question, I am 20, so there is a slight age gap between us, but I believe that love can blossom in the most obscure places, even on the battlefield. What I mean is, if our love is strong and true, we will not need to worry that you will die a good 17 years before me and that you will reach the menopause long before they find a way to cure my erectile dysfunction. These facts will be eroded away by the juices of our love.

Anny, please forgive me as I am about to suggest something that might make you a little nervous. I would like to meet you in person, face to crotch. I'm not sure how we will achieve this as we live so far apart, but I'm sure Jesus will show us how. England is a lovely country to visit, especially the part in which I reside (Dagenham). I would love for you to see the glimmer of the first frost on a crisp winter's morning, marvelling in wonder as it shimmers on a bin bag that the council has failed to collect, as they are on strike. You would love it here Anny. People are very friendly to foreigners and love to let them stay in council houses for free, and sometimes even pay them so that they don't have to find work. Please let me know what you think of this, my body is aching to hear from you.

If that doesn't put her off, nothing will!

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



Shalom,.......night ...bradton...... ( thx , u call me . with special name..so sweat.....!!!???, hem nice..........) . ......can u imagine...and can u see my exspression...." i'm shock",because u look older than u'r picture.( soorry i'm tooo honest)..but no problem 4 me.u can be me as u'r sister now..., really.....exactly... ! u stay in dagenham..- England .?, can u sent me u'r address ..??? i want to send my letter and my picture , would u...?. .i have blessing family.... for more details..i want to write on letter..4 u.so sent me u'r address soon. , let me.. know how u'r parent ( both parent dad n mom).and i think don't never talk that u have spagehetty legs! , u not self confidence...! ???, my brother.....i love u....what ever u are...!!, remember !! i alway pray 4 u...., u can share with me any time by FB or u can sent a letter. ( my address in Indonesia : ((EDITED OUT)) ) , not far from Jakarta .. ........, Bradton...i'd better if u have self confidence........, everthing its gonna be allright.!!as long as u depent to JESUS...! oh...hi ...by the way...u like movie..?., i like movie , cooking...!!, hemm..really....! what are special u'r habit../ hubby..?....ok...Brandy.....and i call u with little brother Brandy...... Have a nice dream..good sleep...... JESUS LOVE U......JESUS BLESSING U' fam......

Ok, doesn't look like she's going to be put off. Might as well have some fun with this:

Bradton Paige



I'm glad to hear that you are a good cook and that you like to watch movies. Have you seen Ratatouille? It's a film about a rat who can cook, so it combines both of your main interests. I would love to try some authentic Indonesian cuisine, and in return, I shall cook for you my world famous Bradton's Egg Vindaloo. It tastes great on sandwiches, but tends to dissolve the bread.

I will send a letter to the address that you provided, and in return you will have my address to send stuff back to. However, I am disappointed that you see me as a little brother. In England, relationships with your siblings are frowned upon, so I'm gutted that you do not want to date me. I would wine you and dine. I'd take you to the greatest restaurant in England, Little Chef. I'd introduce you to my Little Chef. We'd go for walks (well, maybe you would) at sunrise past the local working men's club when the drunkards are just starting to vacate the premises.

Anny, a miracle has just happened! Whilst writing this message, my previously defunct joy department has sprung to life! I haven't been this stiff since I fell out of my chair into the snow and was stuck for three hours! I think that perhaps it is the magic of you and our lord Jesus Christmas working together! Your correspondance is making me feel better, so please keep messaging me!

Scallops

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



Shalom........, good morning... Brandy..,can you apologize me. please...? i'm regreat 'cause make you disspointed. , have u already make the letter for me ...?, oh ya.., i want to repaired my provided : ((ADDRESS EDITED OUT)) (more complete and clearly than before). i want to read you 'r letter soon. are u'like music.., beside movie...????, i suggest 4 u if you want to hear my voice..you..can sing together with me .. come on......" You'r the inspirations"..by Peter cetera - Chicago. When something bothers me......i will the sing..soon. beside i love songs of Don Moen...as a worship . One day i want to give u a NEW BIBLE...., as a something special you can save....between us. !!..would u.....?.how are u today....have a breakfast now..?., today i'm cooking like Bradton egg vindaloo.ha....ha..ha.....( fried egg)..he..mmm..yumy..........! Brandy..can you learn me English ..( language).... sometimes u'r english very difficult to understand.., if America (no grammer ). easy better to understand... !!..ok my Brandy..i wait your' letter..SOON......!!!!!!!!!!Kindest regard to you'r Mom and Dad........!!see u..... Have a nice weekand...

Unfortunately, I had a busy weekend so I couldn't respond to Anny Wanny, which seemed to make her go rather crazy and get really angry with me. I received these two messages over the course of the weekend, which degenerated into crazy stalker territory:

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



Hi......time to church.....!!! wake up....wake up....hurry up....Jesus wait u......., me too..

mm.....mmmmmmm...........???????!!@#$ck...ckkkkkzzzzzzzzz.......z......z....zzzz.....( my handphone ((EDITED OUT)) ). and u...?????????

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari



hi....Brad........!! ( i change u'r name).., i hate u..cause,,u make me so sad! why....?, yes u are very stricht....!!!, u are very...feel inferior...! i.m loosing u for a view days.., u know....!!, who which feel inferior should me ... but now i dont' care about you. i will treat u as 40. ( balance...)....yeah..we will not to worry again. we can walk together.as a blessing couple ! ..we can...belove together..! i never regard as u as gutted..please !!, after i know what u means in a mesage...i want cry..., how very as u suffering, lonely..., useless......!! once again i dont, care about u..!!! whatever u are...., i can .be u'r "any wany."..did u not miss me.....??, u didin't need more time to know " i falling in love with u"!!!!!!, i will not call u by " little brother" ...! remember ...u promise to me that u want cook and take me to dine and wine....!.! ...as i give u acces to find me by letter, by phone ((EDITED OUT)) or fb. Wellcome to my hearth..!!, can u give me u'r number ..? ( handphone)...?? , once again.....Jesus love u , me too

Oh dear, my Indonesian bride to be is angry! Let's see if we can get this back on track:

Bradton Paige



Shabba...Anny (I'm learning Indonesian, I hope I got it right).

Your message is very confusing. Is it because I haven't been in touch over the weekend? I am terribly sorry for this as my Internet Servicing Company have been angry at me because I refused to pay them for the excess bandwidth I used whilst trying to decrypt your messages. I think that Talk Talk are just a bunch of racists who don't like Indonesia. I hope I can resolve this matter soon and talk to you through the power of the Internet more often.

My handphone is 0114 5509750 ((FAKE)). If you intend to ring me, please do so between the hours of 7:33 PM - 8: 54 PM (GMT PMSL ASL) as I will certainly be in during these times and I won't be on the phone to hot local girls in my area. What are the best times to call you? I would love to hear your shrill, unintelligible dialect.

Anny, I have sent a letter via pen and pigeon to the address that you provided earlier. I hope it reaches you soon because you sound very saddened by the lack of paper based contact with me. Please do not think that I am going off of you. I am currently trying to clear out the spare room in case you wish to visit me and would like someone to stay with. You will have your own drawer to put your shit in too! No sleeping in the stair cupboard for you! Hahahahaha!

Please say that I am still in your hearth, for you are in mine always, burning on the coals of our eternal love until nothing but your skeleton is left.

Shabba

Your Brad.

Marvellous! Well, that's all for now, but if she responds I'll post a new update. Hope you enjoyed it as much as Anny enjoys Mr Jesus.