You Were Always On My Timeline

As a master of the literary arts, there’s much more to my repertoire than the humorous penis jokes that I usually post here.  In fact, deep down I am a very delicate and complex soul, like a rickety, antique clothes mangle.  It may surprise you to learn that I am actually something of a poet.

That’s right.  My life’s motto has always been “prose before hoes”.  On any given day, you are likely to find me sitting under a tree next to a river, pondering  the subtleties and subtexts of my latest creations, and definitely not peeing in the river.  I forged my craft at amateur poetry readings, made iambic pentameter my bitch, and honed my poetry skills in the fires of public readings.  Here is my latest effort; a commentary about our 21^st century online romances.  It’s called You Were Always On My Timeline.  Please enjoy.

These people have in no way influenced my poetry, just so you know.

Maybe I didn't tweet you
Quite as much as I should have
Maybe I didn't poke you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

Maybe I didn't invite you
All those Candy Crushing times
And I guess I never told you
I'm happy when you're online
My status you had to second guess
I'm so sorry I was blind
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

Tell me, tell me Google Plus will never die
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied


Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

You were always on my timeline it's true
I never followed anyone else but you
You were on my mind and in my circle
I barely social networked but you
You were always
I tried so hard I thought you knew
My love I’d tag myself for you
I’ll give up work to have the time
And I guess you couldn't read my mind
You were always

You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

I hope you enjoyed that.  If you didn't then you obviously don't appreciate good poetry that in no way infringes on copyrighted materials from a certain 80's/90's synth-pop duo.  That, my friends is your problem, not mine.

Get Twitter Singing

I've always wanted to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.  Failing that, I'll teach the world to spit filthy rap lyrics while they bounce through a car wash on hydraulics.  It's a simple dream of mine, to bring music to the masses without having an ounce of musical talent myself.  That's why I started ripping off song lyrics and posting them on Twitter.

Using my Twitter alias, Ollie The Pigeon, I have begun spitting phat rhymes into the Internet ether.  Hopefully it will catch on and we'll all sit around campfires singing these songs.  Perhaps we'll have peace on Earth someday and I can claim full responsibility for it.

Here's to you Mrs Doubtfire, Jesus hates the sinful way you dress.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 15, 2014

Last night a DJ saved my life with his schlong.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 28, 2014

Dance then wherever you may be, I am the lord of Dance Dance Revolution said he.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 10, 2014

Take me down to the Vatican City where the grass is green and the girls are marginalised in the name of Christ for the last 2000 years.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) April 27, 2014

I wanna know what love is. Oh, so it's an overwhelming feeling of affection for another person? Thanks for clearing that up.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 29, 2014

Relight my fire, your calor gas is my only desire.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 21, 2014

"Who's that girl running around with you?" Jessica Ennis.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 16, 2014

Skinny jeans are not my lover, they're just some clothes that won't pull up over my knees.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 4, 2014

Bye bye Miss Melton Mowbry pie, drove my rover down to Dover for some cheapo French wine.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 15, 2014

Don't want to be an American idiot. Luckily I'm British.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 21, 2014

Not technically a song, but a job opportunity for Snoop Dog/Lion/Bobcat:

Crowdfunding: please back my campaign to make the gangster WWII film, Fo' Shizzler's List.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 24, 2014

And this is one is more of a confession:

#ShamefulSecrets there was a once a time when I thought Missy Elliott was encouraging folks to "Get Your Free Corn"
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 9, 2014

Please join my movement by following me on Twitter:

@Olliethepigeon

 The results of the 400th post contest will be posted on Monday.

Gideon's Guide To Social Networking

Hello twats!

It is I, George Osborne. Some of you might know me as "Gideon", while others in the North may know me as "Oi Twat", as I found out while visiting a steel mill in Sheffield. An aide reliably informed me that "twat" means "gentleman of reputable nature", so I've made it my word of the week. Rest assured, myself and the rest of the cabinet are a bunch of massive twats. And twattettes. We mustn't forget about Theresa May.

Regardless, I've had my good chums over at GCHQ take over a few Internet blogs to spread the good word about the coalition government. That's why I have borrowed ##THE MUPPETS OF JUSTICE##  today, and will be giving it back shortly after some minor improvements. I really think this place could use a dash of blue and a logo that resembles a blind kid's rendition of a tree.

More importantly, however, is what your government can do for you. Did you know that you can earn money by supporting the Conservatives via social media sites? That right. Myself, Dave and Boris are all willing to give up to £50 for every like we get on Facebook. This is because we made a bet with the Liberal Democrats over who was most popular. If the Lib Dems win, they get to keep their precious NHS.  A fool's errand!

We are also encouraging our Twitter followers to retweet us into oblivion. Do you remember Dave's latest completely intentional Barack Obama joke?

"I've been speaking to @BarackObama about the situation in Ukraine. We are united in condemnation of Russia's actions."

Or how about the wonderful times we've shared online together, such as this:

Oh how we laughed, although I didn't fully understand it.

Of course, we are aware that some people find politicians on Facebook and Twitter as repugnant as the gigantic queen slug that shat out us Bullingdon boys, where we germinated in our mucus membranes until we resembled humanoid lifeforms.However, we are willing to pay cold hard cash for popularity. Just like in real life, we will throw money at people until they like us.

Don't think of this as a waste of taxpayer's money. The money for my followers actually comes from my father's account in the Cayman Islands. See, I'm just like you in that way; willing to throw my undeserved pool of wealth into a popularity venture, just as any old Tom, Dick and Harry off the street would do.

By liking us, over time you may actually learn to love us, like victims of abuse. We will keep you updated on how shit Europe is, all of Boris's private shareholder meetings, and how many GQ awards I've won for being the world's best politician.  We promise not to mention The Big Society again since we're killing it quietly, so there's no need to worry about that.  If we can at least stop people from retweeting Ed Balls for a few days, that would be a massive victory for our term in government.

Tally bye you lovely twats, and I look forward to seeing you on the social media site of your choice.

Poop Benedict

It is my sad duty to report that Pope Benedict XVI has, within the last few hours, announced his retirement as head of the Catholic Church.

Let that sink in for a moment.  That’s right, the Pope has resigned.  He’s the first Pope to not die in office since the 15th Century.  Most Popes keep on truckin’ through illness, alzheimer’s and inherent lunacy until God himself arrives and plucks him off of his jewelled stool.  So what gives?

The official line seems to be ill health.  Here’s the Pope’s statement:

Dear Brothers,

I have convoked you to this Consistory, not only for the three canonisations, but also to communicate to you a decision of great importance for the life of the Church. After having repeatedly examined my conscience before God, I have come to the certainty that my strengths, due to an advanced age, are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of the Petrine ministry.

I am well aware that this ministry, due to its essential spiritual nature, must be carried out not only with words and deeds, but no less with prayer and suffering. However, in today’s world, subject to so many rapid changes and shaken by questions of deep relevance for the life of faith, in order to govern the bark of Saint Peter and proclaim the Gospel, both strength of mind and body are necessary, strength which in the last few months, has deteriorated in me to the extent that I have had to recognise my incapacity to adequately fulfil the ministry entrusted to me.

For this reason, and well aware of the seriousness of this act, with full freedom I declare that I renounce the ministry of Bishop of Rome, Successor of Saint Peter, entrusted to me by the Cardinals on 19 April 2005, in such a way, that as from 28 February 2013, at 20:00 hours, the See of Rome, the See of Saint Peter, will be vacant and a Conclave to elect the new Supreme Pontiff will have to be convoked by those whose competence it is.

Dear Brothers, I thank you most sincerely for all the love and work with which you have supported me in my ministry and I ask pardon for all my defects. And now, let us entrust the Holy Church to the care of Our Supreme Pastor, Our Lord Jesus Christ, and implore his holy Mother Mary, so that she may assist the Cardinal Fathers with her maternal solicitude, in electing a new Supreme Pontiff. With regard to myself, I wish to also devotedly serve the Holy Church of God in the future through a life dedicated to prayer.

From the Vatican, 10 February 2013

BENEDICTUS PP XVI

Jesus Christ, what a quitter!  Ill health?  Other Popes have worked even when they're unfit to open a tin of beans unaided.  It's no excuse, Mr. Quitty Von Dropout! 

Frankly, I’m not buying it.  Being a Pope is very definition of a job for life, that’s why the Church doesn’t provide a Pontiff pension plan.  At the risk of exposing a conspiracy, I’m going to list several ideas that may have caused this unusual decision.  Let’s blow the lid off of this mother-bitch!

1)     He’s involved in some kind of super scandal.  Considering the guy has survived such scandals as being part of Hitler Youth, and the widespread child abuse which he has helped to cover up, it would have to be the scandal of the century to dislodge this controversial clergyman.  My best guess is that he’s behind the horsemeat scandal that is currently enveloping Europe.

2)    He has become so disenfranchised with his recent foray into Twitter that it has turned him into an atheist.  Let’s face it, any lengthy interaction with your average Twitter user will cause anyone to renounce the existence of a divine creator.  What sane God would allow #YOLO to trend?  Madness.

3)    He was set to announce a radical change to Catholic ideology, so all the Cardinals got together and ousted him.   Perhaps the Pope’s next speech was to be about how condoms had acceptable uses, such as expensive, slimy birthday balloons.  Maybe he was going to announce that dog abortion is okay because animals don’t go to heaven anyway.

4)    His retirement coincides with the release of a new Dan Brown novel.  This could all turn out to be an elaborate ruse by the publishers to promote their newest poorly-constructed thriller.  The Pope will then pen a sequel to it later in the year, thus setting him up for a lucrative book deal when he finally does retire at Christmas.

5)    The Illuminati have grown tired of him clocking in late and doodling in his notebook during meetings.

6)    The Reptillian Space Pope has finally arrived on Earth.  This has rendered our hairy, mammalian meatbag of a pontiff obsolete.  All Popeish duties are to be assimilated by our scaled overlords post haste.

7)    After realising that his word alone can sentence people to the everlasting joys of heaven, or eternal damnation and suffering in hell, the Pope has snapped under the pressure.  It’s too much responsibility for one man to bear.

8)    After 8 years on the job, Benedict XVI has realised that he actually applied for the wrong job in the first place.  He’s spent all this time wondering when his Hair and Beauty apprenticeship would finally start.  Just how many babies do you have to kiss before you get accepted onto the course?

9)    One of the Pope’s friends pointed out that “Pope” sounds a little bit like “Poop”.  Unable to live with the shame, he resigns.

10)   Richard Dawkins made him cry over the phone.

Da roof, da roof, da roof is on fire!

Before you say anything, no, I didn’t run out of steam towards the end of that list.  Every point on there is just as valid as the last one.

Whatever the reason behind the Pope’s departure, I’m sure we can all agree that he’s been the best Pope we can all remember.  Except for the last one.  And the one before that.  Oh, and that crazy guy who lives in a skip down the road who thinks that putting a traffic cone on his head makes him a spiritual leader.  May I be the first to say, Godspeed Mr Benedict.  May your replacement denounce paedophilia in all its forms.





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Yes, I'm back.  Thanks for bearing with me, I've had a rough month.  I won't explain myself as it's personal stuff and it's boring for you readers who come here for a laugh.  Rest assured that I'm back and hoping to get into the swing of things again.  I'm going to start by establishing a posting schedule, then I'll be coming to post on your Blogs once again.  Beware!

Robot Music

After looking at the charts for the first time in about 10 years, I came to a startling realisation.  Computers appear to be solely responsible most types of sonic output these days.  Music is no longer the domain meaty fleshbags, not since the advent of Autotune, synthesisers, and Japanese emotion cuboids.  If this is where the music industry is headed, how long will it be until our favourite recording artists are replaced by robots?

I started to envisage a world in which music is composed entirely by our electronic counterparts.  Can you imagine your how your favourite songs would have turned out had they instead been composed through the cold, artificial logic of a machine?  Let’s make that a reality.  See if you can guess these pop songs as covered by robots:

Robo-Katy Perry:  Less sexy, more talented

1.    IF YOU GAIN ENJOYMENT FROM IT THEN YOU SHOULD PLACE A MATRIMONAL FINGER TOKEN ON IT

2.    STRIKE ME INFANT!  REPEAT TRANSACTION!

3.    WEEKEND WEEKEND I AM EXHIBITING HUMAN JOY FOR WEEKEND

4.    I WILL ALLOW YOU TO SHELTER FROM METEOROLOGICAL PHENOMENA

5.    I HAVE 99 STOP COMMANDS BUT A FEMALE CANINE IS UNRELATED TO THIS ERROR

6.    GO FEMALE IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY.  WE WILL INSTALL THE LATEST DRIVERS LIKE IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY

7.    STOP ERROR: 0x0000000 IF THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE SEEN THIS ERROR REBOOT AND TRY HAMMER TIME AGAIN

8.    THEY TRIED TO RESET ME TO FACTORY DEFAULTS BUT I SAID NO NO NO

9.    AND AFTER ALL YOU ARE AN EXCEPTIONAL SUPPORTING WALL

10.  HELLO?  IS THIS THE DROID YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?

11.  MY CPU IS OVERHEATING IN HERE SO REMOVE YOUR OUTERCASING

12.  TODAY I DON’T EVEN FEEL LIKE BOOTING UP

13.  LIFE IS A MISSING FILE EVERYONE MUST STAND ALONE I HEAR YOU CALL MY MONIKER AND IT FEELS LIKE \\192.168.0.1

Answers:

1.    Beyonce – Single Ladies

2.    Britany Spears – Hit Me Baby One More Time

3.    Rebecca Black – Friday

4.    Rhianna – Umbrella

5.    Jay Z – 99 Problems

6.    50 Cent – In Da Club

7.    MC Hammer – Hammer Time

8.    Amy Winehouse – Rehab

9.    Oasis – Wonderwall

10.  Lionel Ritchie – Hello

11.  Nelly - Hot In Here

12.  Bruno Mars – Lazy Song

13.  Madonna – Like A Prayer

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I apologise if today's post isn't very funny or amazing.  I have a holiday coming up shortly, so I'm busy preparing something much more substantial to keep you all busy while I'm away.  

If you feel short changed by this post and want something funny to read, fear not!  I have a new Twitter account called Ollie The Pigeon.  It's basically me, pretending to be a pigeon and trying to be funny (as opposed to me pretending to be a muppet and trying to be funny).  If you have a Twitter account and want to witness my witticisms, please follow me. @olliethepigeon .  Be warned, Ollie can be pretty filthy sometimes.