Love is a dangerous game.
When you’re winning it feels like you’ve rolled all sixes and got a
triple word score on Mayfair. But if
things start to go wrong, that stack of cards suddenly goes kerplunk and you
end up tumbling down a snake into an unavoidable checkmate. As a result, there are a lot of unlucky
people when it comes to love.
It was my intention to dole out some relationship advice
to lovestruck strangers on the Internet.
However, as I am an equal opportunities employer (and unfathomably
lazy), I drafted in a dirty street pigeon to help answer your romantic
issues. Ladies and gentlemen, I hand you
over to everyone’s favourite feathered sexpert, Ollie The Pigeon.
Hi everyone, Ollie here. I’m not sure what I’m
doing here to be honest. This Internet
thing is a little beyond my bird-brained comprehension.
Also, I keep getting distracted by the crumbs in the keyboard. Anyway, I suppose I better start by reading
some of your letters. If I do well, Addman’s
promised me the crust from last night’s pizza.
Gemma Driveway – Car Park Attendant
Dear Ollie,
I’m afraid me and my boyfriend have hit a bit of a rough
patch in our relationship. I’ve been
given the opportunity to be a night watchwoman at the car park, but my
boyfriend works through the day. He
doesn’t want me to take the job as we won’t see each other very much, but it’s
too much money to turn down. What should
I do?
Dear Gemma,
This reminds me of
my mate Robin Crisp. He fell in love
with a Canadian goose. They had a crazy summer
love affair, but at the end of September she had to head south for the winter
for family reasons. He waited out in the
cold for her every day and every night, hoping and praying for her to
return. Well, one day we found that he
had died of frostbite. He had literally
frozen solid overnight. What a fucking idiot!
As for my advice, I
dunno. If you don’t want your
boyfriend to freeze to death, don’t leave him alone at night? I think that'll do.
Alaister Drew – Bike Saddle Taster
Dear Ollie,
I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time. About 6 years ago, I discovered an online game called Realm of
Warlocks and I pledged all of my free time to it. However, the game company recently went bust and the
servers went down, cruelly throwing me out into the real world. How can I trick a female into bumping uglies
with me?
Dear Alaister,
The best way to
pick up a girl is to inflate your chest and coo at her. If that doesn’t work, steal a sausage roll
from a fat kid outside Greggs and let her share it (you could peck the kid's eyes out if he resists. Ladies dig that kind of bravery). You could also try impressing her with great
feats of strength and agility. You know
those spikes they put on ledges to stop birds landing on them? I found a way to walk on them safely, which has
got me laid no end of times. The trick is to step between the spikes. Hope this
helps.
Barry Shogun – Salt Salesman
Dear Ollie,
Me and my girlfriend were having sex the other day, when
she suddenly queefed. At first I was
repulsed, but then I realised that it rattled my junk around in a pleasurable
way. I was wondering, is there a
sure-fire way to get her to queef regularly?
We’ve tried everything we can think of, but she hasn’t had another queef
since.
Dear Barry,
I never have this
problem as all the girls I sleep with are all serial queefers. That might just be the type of crowd I hang
out with though. I reckon queefing is
down to diet, so she probably needs a little more enrichment in her food. Take her round the back of KFC after closing time;
they have a massive bin that’s stocked to the gills, if you can get past the
foxes. My mate Jimmy Two-Toes once ate
so much coleslaw that he sicked up everywhere, which was great because then we all had
some. Some of the best moments of my
life have occurred in that bin.
Stuart Pourer – Heavy Metal Lifter
Dear Ollie,
My wife of 28 years has met a young gentleman
online. She doesn’t know that I know,
but I found her chat logs with a young American buck. They’ve had some pretty saucy chats. She talks about doing stuff with him that
we’ve never done. I feel ashamed that my
wife doesn’t get any excitement from our relationship anymore, but also angry
at this infidelity. Should I confront
her about this?
Dear Stuart,
This reminds of a
similar situation in which I accidentally proposed to Yasmin Yeast. I was drunk and she was a tease, what else
can I say? Anyway, her boyfriend was proper angry and he threatened to beat me up outside
Kwik Fit. Since he’s a stray boxer dog, I didn’t fancy my chances. Luckily, a mechanic backed over him in a knackered
Vauxhall Vectra so I got out of that one scott free.
In my experience,
there’s nothing that can’t be sorted by getting someone run over. In fact, that reminds me of my mum and dad. My parents were a right pair of
bastards, always fighting and pecking each other’s eyes out. Anyway, they had a scrap over a piece of garlic
bread in the middle of the road. The
number 47 bus put them out of their misery and ended their abusive
relationship. I can still remember my
brothers and sisters and I gathering round to mourn/eat the remains. That’s exactly what you should do, run him
over and eat him.
Nicole Papa – Monster Masher
Dear Ollie,
My latest fella wants us to have another baby since we
lost one in our rubbish pile. I told him
that it’s unlikely we’ll conceive. After
pushing out 13 so far my innards are like a retired wind sock, but he’s
determined. What positions would you
recommend we try in the bedroom?
Dear Nicole,
I’m not sure what
you’re on about to be honest. I once
snuck into Philip Schofield’s bedroom after he left the window open on a balmy
summer’s evening. His favourite bedroom position
was to sit naked in the corner, rocking backwards and forwards with a box of
cornflakes on his head. He seemed to be
masturbating to the ingredients list.
Either way, I didn’t stay long enough to see the conclusion of that
one. Is that what you’re asking?
Brian Herbie-White – Rash Spreader
Dear Ollie,
So I slept with this chick and now I’m like all itchy and
stuff. I don’t wanna go to the doctor
‘cause I’ve been stealing morphine from them, and you never return to the scene
of the crime, ya know? Anyway, how can I
tell if I’ve caught something from this girl?
Dear Brian,
Don’t talk to me
about infections. My foot is so gammy
that it tends to squelch when I walk. My mate Dennis
Coops reckons that there’s something living in there, but I don’t even want to
look at it. I’ve considered going to the
hospital and pecking open the lock on the medical waste bins, but I don’t
really know what I’m looking for. Since
you’re a human and can read the labels, perhaps you might have better
luck. Let me know if you find anything
for septic feet.
Alison Packard – Communist Party Planner
Dear Ollie,
I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered
business career and two children. My
husband suffers from erectile dysfunction, and I just don’t have the time to
wait around for him to stand to attention.
He won’t take Viagra as he wants to stand on his own, so to speak. What can I do?
Dear Alison,
I knew a badger
named Fred Best who had this problem. We
told him that the only way to fix his cock was to roll around in cow shit whilst
crying like a baby. He did it as well,
the dozy prick. Don’t feel too bad for
him though, he used to think it was hilarious to frighten old ladies off their
front porches and then try to rape them.
As for your problem, I don’t think I can help you. I’m a pigeon for fuck’s sake!
Marissa Duracell – Camera Photographer
Dear Ollie,
Looks like I’ve ended up single again. What masturbatory aids can you recommend so I
can pleasure myself?
Dear Marissa,
Nothing in life
gives me more pleasure than my shiny bottle cap collection. I used to have around six of the little
bleeders until Brutal Charlie stole some from me, and now I’m down to two. They are quite literally the most precious
things I have in my possession.
Seriously, you should get some!
Thanks Ollie, you’ve done sterling work today. If you’re interested in following my side
project Ollie on Twitter, follow him @Olliethepigeon. Thanks for reading.
