Bringing Exy Back

What do you get when you fall in love?  Chances are that you’ll burst your own bubble.  When you consider the amount of relationships that fail, it’s staggering that so many people do something monumentally stupid and utterly screw things up with the one they love.

That’s why I’ve decided to step in.  You’ve messed things up and that’s too bad, but I’m here to limit the damage and potentially reunite you with your significant other.  If you follow my advice, you are guaranteed to kick-start your relationship again, regardless of the heinous relationship blunders you have already committed.  They don’t call me Doctor Love simply because I changed my surname to “Love” and created a fake diploma.  Here’s what you need to do:

1)    Get blind drunk and leave a voicemail.  Because nothing in this world is more charming than a slurred, slightly aggressive declaration of love.  The token of your affection will find it adorable that you’ve physically and mentally crumbled since you broke up with them.  It’s that kind of dependence that makes them feel wanted.

2)    Send them a Sext.  Preferably with a naked photo attached to let them know exactly what they’re missing.  You might need to be drunk again to summon up the courage to do this.  And as we all know, when you’re drunk, you absolutely need a kebab or a pizza.  Don’t be ashamed to photograph yourself naked covered in donner meat, or with suggestively placed pepperoni on your nipples.  Better yet, perhaps you could order a pitta bread the size of a duvet, wrap yourself in it and declare yourself to be a “Love Kebab”.  This will make your lover hungry for more!

3)    If they still haven’t succumbed to your inebriated charms, you need to make them jealous.  Hire yourself a prostitute/escort and walk backwards and forwards past their house, laughing and joking loudly with each pass.  If you really want to play hardball, have sex in your ex’s garden.

4)    Aggressively defend your territory.  If you see your ex out on a date with someone else, you have a legal obligation to punch them square in the face.  You need to fight for your mating rights.  You should also stand guard at the end of their street and warn away any potential rivals.  Pee on a nearby post box to prove your dominance.

5)    You need to start making yourself more appealing to the opposite sex.  It’s time you started working out, shaved those hideous sideburns, squeezed into that size 8 dress, bronzed your pectorals, or sliced off those wobbly bits with a breadknife and no anaesthetic whilst screaming “I WILL BE PRETTY!”.  Just select the ones which apply to you.  If you think that all of these apply to you, you are one scary bastard.  I heartily encourage you to spend the rest of your days living as a hermit in a bell tower.

6)    What’s your name?  Boris Bland?  Mavis Dust?  Shelly Bulpasly?  That’s a horrible name. You need to get that shit changed, and fast.  Go down to your local registry office and get yourself a super sweet moniker like Connor Sexbuttocks or Sultry Bangabout.  With the sheer sexiness of such names, you’re guaranteed to have your ex back, tongue wagging, ready for that sweet relief that only you can provide.

7)    If all the above fails, there is one last resort.  You should get over your ex.  That’ll teach ‘em!

So, now that we’ve learned how to bring exy back, it’s time to get out there and put it to practice.  I’ve tried these on Meryl and I can safely say...oh god Meryl, why?  WHY?!  WE WERE SO GOOD TOGETHER!

Your Health Problems - Vaccinated

Did you know that there is a 87% chance that one day, at some undetermined point in the future, you're going to die?  It's true, it happens to most people.  Notable exceptions include Bruce Forsyth and anyone with the surname Attenborough.

With that in mind, it's important to do everything you can to avoid the reaper.  I'm talking in a metaphorical sense.  You can't just cross the street when Death comes for you, nor can you find his house on Google Earth and plan your commute around it.  You need to take care of yourself and stay healthy, fit and limber.  That's why I've decided to help some of you saggy, rotting Internet corpses out there to stay in shape.  Below are some exemplary cases of medical perplexity that I have single-handedly cracked.  I'm like House, only I got evicted from mine for the unexplained disappearance of debt collectors around my area.  Regardless, let's get on with the show:

Gemma Driveway – Fish Wrestler

Dear Addman

Last week I cracked my leg on a table and now I can't even put it to the floor.  Walking is absolute agony, and I can't walk down to the doctors surgery to get it checked out.  Do you think I've broken it?

Dear Gemma,

Ages ago, me and a few friends co-owned a racehorse called Gimpy Steve.  We used to train him in particularly extreme conditions. The theory behind this was that if Steve could race in torrential rain, on ice, and through fields of landmines, he could race through anything.  Sadly, Steve slipped over on the first day, broke his hind leg, and the stable owner had to shoot him while we all cried.  It was the saddest day of my life.

Anyway, that's basically the situation you're in.  Do you know any farmers who can come and do the deed?  I'm sorry, but you need to be put down for your own safety.

Alaister Drew – Puddle Maker

Dear Addman

I have a penchant for the rotund posteriors of ladies that I simply must confess to.  My siblings all deny that this is normal practice.  When a lady enters the room with an iddy-biddy waist and a round object in my field of vision, I get feelings.  Is this normal?

Dear Alaister,

I refer you to the case of Sir Mix-A-Lot vs The Feminist League of America.  By law, it is not appropriate to encourage this kind of behaviour, and under no circumstance must you encourage a female to "shake that healthy butt".  In short, you are a monster and should probably be put down.

Barry Shogun – Pepper Grinder

Dear Addman

My head has gone septic.  What should I do?

Dear Barry,

When something goes septic, the best thing to do is to lance it.  Do have any lances lying around at home?  If not, I know a guy (coincidentally named Lance) who is an exceptional lance wrangler.  He has taken part in many renaissance fayres, and I have it on good authority that he is an expert LARPer, whatever that means, and has regular cause to use his lance during that.  I'll give him a call and get him to come round and lance your face.  If it doesn't work, he can always put you down while he's there.

Stuart Pourer – Serial Rappist

Dear Addman,

My daughter has become infected with a severe case of lesbianism.  She hasn't had a boyfriend in like, ever, and I saw her hug one of her "girlfriends" the other day, who I suspect may be the carrier.  I've tried praying to every Pagan god I know of, but so far, none have come up with a viable solution.  Is there some sort of pill she can take to cure her?

Dear Stuart,

There is nothing wrong with your daughter.  Lesbians are an important branch of the evolutionary Porn tree, and I'll be damned if I see another father try and dissuade his daughter from fulfilling her erotic destiny.  Frankly, I think you need to be put down.

Nicole Papa – STD Researcher

Dear Addman,

Last week I kissed a whole bunch of men in a nightclub, and now I have these weird sores all over my top lip.  At first I thought it was just stubble rash, but I used my husband's toothbrush  yesterday and now he's got it.  I need to find a way to clear this up quickly.

Dear Nicole,

As far a I know, this is a disease that has never been discovered or catalogued by medical science.  I'm pretty sure there are no infections out there that can be caught through sexual contact with another human being.  As such, there is no cure so you're pretty screwed, although there's no change there!  Hahaha!  No seriously, you'll need to be put down right away.

Brian Herbie-White – Toast Toaster

Dear Addman

Last week I went to eat at a local sushi restaurant.  That evening I was hawking my guts up and thought I was going to die.  Then the day after, the vomiting completely stopped.  What do you suppose happened there?

Dear Brian,

Isn't it obvious?  You've been cursed.  When eating out, always ask the waiters if the food has been handled or prepared by a witch doctor or shaman.  Check the waiter's belt for shrunken heads.  Scan the menu and look out for foods which sound like black magic, such as Juju sauce or calamari.  If you ingest these items, your body will become host to a thousand lost souls.  The spirits of the damned will hang around in your colon like they have nothing better to do, and make you violently sick.  The only solution is to have yourself put down, then you'll feel right as rain.

Alison Packard – Exhaust Fume Huffer

Dear Addman

I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two children.  Last week I started suffering from heavy "women's problems", if you know what I mean, and I can't afford to for it to slow me down.  Is there anything you can suggest to alleviate these symptoms? 

Dear Alison,

Heavy women problems?  I understand, say no more.  In fact, I suffer from heavy women problems all the time.  Once a month, I get this irritating feeling and my blood starts to run cold.  This is all caused by the heavy woman who sits next to me on the train sometimes.  I only see her about 12 times a year, but she always seems to sit next to me for some reason, and she smells faintly of cheese sauce.  It's nauseating.  The only cure I can suggest is to pull the emergency cord and have them evacuate the entire train.  Or just put yourself down.

Marissa Duracell – Sexual Predator

Dear Addman,

Last year I had a flu shot and felt utterly dreadful for the next two weeks.  This year, my surgery has called me up to invite me for another flu shot, but I'm not sure I want it.  I mean, I don't want to catch flu, but I'm afraid I might get it from the vaccination anyway.  What are your thoughts?



Dear Marissa,

Flu?  Hahaha!  Last year I caught smallpox twice, and it never did me any harm.  You must be a real wimp to get upset by a little bit of baby flu.  You should try playing beach volleyball while you have gout sometime.  How about space hopper racing with hemorrhoids?  You don't know you're born, do you?  Don't make me put you down.

Phew, I think I've given enough advice for today.  Join me next time when we meet a man who has caught rabies from some babies, and a woman who describes herself as a "Vagician".  Ciao for now!

Your Relationship Problems - Pecked

Love is a dangerous game.  When you’re winning it feels like you’ve rolled all sixes and got a triple word score on Mayfair.  But if things start to go wrong, that stack of cards suddenly goes kerplunk and you end up tumbling down a snake into an unavoidable checkmate.  As a result, there are a lot of unlucky people when it comes to love.

It was my intention to dole out some relationship advice to lovestruck strangers on the Internet.  However, as I am an equal opportunities employer (and unfathomably lazy), I drafted in a dirty street pigeon to help answer your romantic issues.  Ladies and gentlemen, I hand you over to everyone’s favourite feathered sexpert, Ollie The Pigeon.

Hi everyone, Ollie here.  I’m not sure what I’m doing here to be honest.  This Internet thing is a little beyond my bird-brained comprehension.  Also, I keep getting distracted by the crumbs in the keyboard.  Anyway, I suppose I better start by reading some of your letters.  If I do well, Addman’s promised me the crust from last night’s pizza.

Gemma Driveway – Car Park Attendant

Dear Ollie,

I’m afraid me and my boyfriend have hit a bit of a rough patch in our relationship.  I’ve been given the opportunity to be a night watchwoman at the car park, but my boyfriend works through the day.  He doesn’t want me to take the job as we won’t see each other very much, but it’s too much money to turn down.  What should I do?

Dear Gemma,

This reminds me of my mate Robin Crisp.  He fell in love with a Canadian goose.  They had a crazy summer love affair, but at the end of September she had to head south for the winter for family reasons.  He waited out in the cold for her every day and every night, hoping and praying for her to return.  Well, one day we found that he had died of frostbite.  He had literally frozen solid overnight. What a fucking idiot!

As for my advice, I dunno.  If you don’t want your boyfriend to freeze to death, don’t leave him alone at night?  I think that'll do.

Alaister Drew – Bike Saddle Taster

Dear Ollie,

I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time.  About 6 years ago, I discovered an online game called Realm of Warlocks and I pledged all of my free time to it.  However, the game company recently went bust and the servers went down, cruelly throwing me out into the real world.  How can I trick a female into bumping uglies with me?

Dear Alaister,

The best way to pick up a girl is to inflate your chest and coo at her.  If that doesn’t work, steal a sausage roll from a fat kid outside Greggs and let her share it (you could peck the kid's eyes out if he resists.  Ladies dig that kind of bravery).  You could also try impressing her with great feats of strength and agility.  You know those spikes they put on ledges to stop birds landing on them?  I found a way to walk on them safely, which has got me laid no end of times.  The trick is to step between the spikes.  Hope this helps.

Barry Shogun – Salt Salesman

Dear Ollie,

Me and my girlfriend were having sex the other day, when she suddenly queefed.  At first I was repulsed, but then I realised that it rattled my junk around in a pleasurable way.  I was wondering, is there a sure-fire way to get her to queef regularly?  We’ve tried everything we can think of, but she hasn’t had another queef since.

Dear Barry,

I never have this problem as all the girls I sleep with are all serial queefers.  That might just be the type of crowd I hang out with though.  I reckon queefing is down to diet, so she probably needs a little more enrichment in her food.  Take her round the back of KFC after closing time; they have a massive bin that’s stocked to the gills, if you can get past the foxes.  My mate Jimmy Two-Toes once ate so much coleslaw that he sicked up everywhere, which was great because then we all had some.  Some of the best moments of my life have occurred in that bin.

Stuart Pourer – Heavy Metal Lifter

Dear Ollie,

My wife of 28 years has met a young gentleman online.  She doesn’t know that I know, but I found her chat logs with a young American buck.  They’ve had some pretty saucy chats.  She talks about doing stuff with him that we’ve never done.  I feel ashamed that my wife doesn’t get any excitement from our relationship anymore, but also angry at this infidelity.  Should I confront her about this?

Dear Stuart,

This reminds of a similar situation in which I accidentally proposed to Yasmin Yeast.  I was drunk and she was a tease, what else can I say? Anyway, her boyfriend was proper angry and he threatened to beat me up outside Kwik Fit.  Since he’s a stray boxer dog, I didn’t fancy my chances.  Luckily, a mechanic backed over him in a knackered Vauxhall Vectra so I got out of that one scott free.

In my experience, there’s nothing that can’t be sorted by getting someone run over.  In fact, that reminds me of my mum and dad.  My parents were a right pair of bastards, always fighting and pecking each other’s eyes out.  Anyway, they had a scrap over a piece of garlic bread in the middle of the road.  The number 47 bus put them out of their misery and ended their abusive relationship.  I can still remember my brothers and sisters and I gathering round to mourn/eat the remains.  That’s exactly what you should do, run him over and eat him.

Nicole Papa – Monster Masher

Dear Ollie,

My latest fella wants us to have another baby since we lost one in our rubbish pile.  I told him that it’s unlikely we’ll conceive.  After pushing out 13 so far my innards are like a retired wind sock, but he’s determined.  What positions would you recommend we try in the bedroom?

Dear Nicole,

I’m not sure what you’re on about to be honest.  I once snuck into Philip Schofield’s bedroom after he left the window open on a balmy summer’s evening.  His favourite bedroom position was to sit naked in the corner, rocking backwards and forwards with a box of cornflakes on his head.  He seemed to be masturbating to the ingredients list.  Either way, I didn’t stay long enough to see the conclusion of that one.  Is that what you’re asking?

Brian Herbie-White – Rash Spreader

Dear Ollie,

So I slept with this chick and now I’m like all itchy and stuff.  I don’t wanna go to the doctor ‘cause I’ve been stealing morphine from them, and you never return to the scene of the crime, ya know?  Anyway, how can I tell if I’ve caught something from this girl?

Dear Brian,

Don’t talk to me about infections.  My foot is so gammy that it tends to squelch when I walk.  My mate Dennis Coops reckons that there’s something living in there, but I don’t even want to look at it.  I’ve considered going to the hospital and pecking open the lock on the medical waste bins, but I don’t really know what I’m looking for.  Since you’re a human and can read the labels, perhaps you might have better luck.  Let me know if you find anything for septic feet.

Alison Packard – Communist Party Planner

Dear Ollie,

I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two children.  My husband suffers from erectile dysfunction, and I just don’t have the time to wait around for him to stand to attention.  He won’t take Viagra as he wants to stand on his own, so to speak.  What can I do?

Dear Alison,

I knew a badger named Fred Best who had this problem.  We told him that the only way to fix his cock was to roll around in cow shit whilst crying like a baby.  He did it as well, the dozy prick.  Don’t feel too bad for him though, he used to think it was hilarious to frighten old ladies off their front porches and then try to rape them.  As for your problem, I don’t think I can help you.  I’m a pigeon for fuck’s sake!

Marissa Duracell – Camera Photographer

Dear Ollie,

Looks like I’ve ended up single again.  What masturbatory aids can you recommend so I can pleasure myself?



Dear Marissa,

Nothing in life gives me more pleasure than my shiny bottle cap collection.  I used to have around six of the little bleeders until Brutal Charlie stole some from me, and now I’m down to two.  They are quite literally the most precious things I have in my possession.  Seriously, you should get some!

Thanks Ollie, you’ve done sterling work today.  If you’re interested in following my side project Ollie on Twitter, follow him @Olliethepigeon.  Thanks for reading.

Congratulations On Seducing My Ex

Hey Brad,

Just thought I’d send you a quick email to let you know how pleased I am that you’ve started dating my ex girlfriend. 

I’m so happy that my best friend has moved in with the love of my life, just two weeks after we split up.  She could have met someone much worse, like Crackhead Larry down the street, or that German man across the way who I’m sure loves to eat people's ears.  Instead, she’s found comfort in dear, dependable Brad.  Did you need someone to split the rent with since you lost your job at Poundland?  No, no, I’m sure this is all about love.  Eternal, everlasting love.

To show you how totally and utterly fine I am about the situation, I thought I’d give you some hot tips on how to make your relationship work.  Remember, I was with Michelle for 5 years, so I’ve learned a lot about her, what makes her tick, and what she hates.  I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did and wind up crying into your cereal every day, playing “our song” over and over on the radio, or making an effigy of your love rival and burning it in the back garden while chanting ancient voodoo spells. 

I’m totally over that now, honestly.  To show there are no hard feelings, have a look at this list of ways in which to woo the lovely Michelle.

1)     If there’s one thing Michelle hates, its sex.  Well, not sex as a whole, but she hates conventional sex.  There are only three things guaranteed to get her in the mood.

A)   She doesn’t have normal erogenous zones.  Kissing her neck or touching her...you know, won’t work.  Instead, you have to lick her armpits.  It’s best to do this when she’s asleep, so she wakes up to a nice surprise.  Do this, and she’ll be riding you like an Indian on the roof of a speeding train.

B)   She enjoys being tickled to the point where she pees herself.  Again, it’s best to do this when she’s asleep, but under no circumstances must you stop, even if she threatens to slice your nipples off between bouts of laughter.

C)   She really likes role play.  The best thing to do is buy an Advanced Dungeons & Dragons box set, make her be a Halfling, and slay her in the first five minutes with a dragon.  She’ll be so impressed that she’ll have you any which way.

What women want

2)    Invite her mother over for tea at least every other day.  Michelle gets on great with her mum, and you will too!  You’ll instantly be volunteered for the next 10 years worth of church fetes, and you’ll certainly enjoy the overwrought stories about how Auntie Betty didn’t leave any money in her will to anyone.  You’ll also be scrutinised over every aspect of your personality and how much money you’re spending on the relationship.  Sounds like heaven, huh?

3)    Michelle is a pet person.  There isn’t a single pet in the world that she doesn’t like, so your best bet is to fill her life with as many animals as possible.  Turn her sock drawer into a tarantula breeding ground.  Dig a viper’s nest in the back garden.  Send her a bouquet of lizards at work.

4)    Don’t be a sissy. Michelle likes her men to be manly men, and that includes all the disgusting territory associated with men.  If you pee on the toilet seat (delivering a generous sprinkle to behind the cistern), that’s a good way to make your mark.    Sit around in your pants for most of the day, drinking beer and scratching.  Bathe once a week, allowing your manly aroma to slowly permeate its way through the household.

5)    Michelle is a very down to earth person.  She likes eating out, but doesn’t enjoy all the pomp and circumstance associated with fine dining.  Chablis and lobster puree don’t do anything for her at all, so don’t take her to a dimly lit romantic hotspot.  Take her to Hooters.  The free-flowing beer and ample ladies will make her appreciate how lucky she is to have you, when you could have one of those rollerskating babes instead.  It will, under no circumstances, destroy her self esteem and poison your relationship, I guarantee it.

6)    Hack her email account and check her Facebook messages on a daily basis.  Make hints that you know who she’s been talking to online, and send abusive messages to any rival suitors.  This proves to her that you care, and also makes you look super cool when you threaten to pulverise her old school friends.

7)    If there’s one thing she loves, it’s a guy with a sense of humour.  Show off this light-hearted side of your personality whenever you’re out in public.  As she’s talking to someone, slide over next to her, grab her breasts, and make comedy honking noises.  If you go to a fancy dress party, go as a minstrel.  Proclaim loudly how ironic your costume is, because that’s what someone with no sense of humour and poor taste would go as.

Catnip!  Catnip!

8)    Michelle doesn’t have any hobbies or interests whatsoever.  If she declares a love of art and wants to go to an art class every Wednesday evening, this is a test.  Lock the doors and windows, and hide the car keys.  Art class is code for “I’m going to shag your best friend behind your back” (that’s how you two got together in the first place).

9)    If you want to cook her a meal for her birthday next Tuesday (you knew that already, didn’t you?), then you can’t go far wrong with Pig’s Bladder Pie.  This is Michelle’s favourite dish.  When you make it, you need to make sure the bladder is fresh and full of nutrients.  You can do this by buying a micro pig for her birthday, then slaughtering it brutally in the kitchen later that day.  Take pictures of the event, and make them into a scrapbook for an extra present.

10) To prove your commitment to her, you need to hand over a piece of your soul to her.  Failing that, you can always give her a body part.  Perhaps one of your toes that you don’t need, or your left testicle (the one that does the least work.  The lazy bollock).  This shows dedication.  Women love it when men mutilate themselves for love, especially when they don’t take appropriate medical precautions.

Please keep in touch and let me know how all of this works out for you.  If things go well, perhaps we could do some double dating sometime.  Oh that’s right, I forgot to tell you about my new girlfriend, Sandra.  She’s blonde, 21, and was made in Taiwan, I mean she flew over from Taiwan.  Anyway keep in touch!

Addman

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Advice From SimCity

Congratulations on becoming the new mayor of SimCity!  Here's some useful tips from your advisors:

Hello, I’m McGuiggan and I’m the advisor for recreation and leisure. You need to give your residents something to do. Leaving them to their own devices is not a great idea. Why, back in '73, I remember the problems that occurred when we closed the local swimming pool.  The residents soon become restless and started playing a citywide game of "name that STD" for fun. It wasn't pretty.

Hi, I'm Johnson and I’m in charge of safety.  Fire in disco! Fire in the disco! Fire in the Taco Bell! No, I’m not singing, this is a serious status report. You see all that orange stuff with smoke coming off it? That’s your downtown going up like a light bulb made from matchsticks.  Might want to dispatch a fire engine or two.

Greetings, I'm Huxley, your financial advisor. You wanna be rich don’t you? Then take it off...slowly now. Yeah, and dance a little...nice. They don’t call you mayor candypants for nothing, huh?

Good afternoon, I’m McClaire, your education advisor. Unlike you, our residents will need a good education to get better jobs. Not everyone wants to follow in the family business of selling glances of our genitals to passing motorists.

Alright, I'm Bob the transport bloke. Just thought I’d update you on those requests. A) Segways are not cost effective public transport and B) we can't expect commuters to get a "backie" on their friend's BMX.

Morning stars shine upon you. I'm Serenity, your environmental advisor. Have you considered investing in green technology? No, that’s grass. Yes, I know it’s green. When I say green technologies I mean wind farms, solar power...no... grass isn’t a technology...OKAY STOP CLICKING ON THE GRASS NOW!

Hey, I'm Drips, and I look after your utilities.  I have a few questions for you.  Firstly, why have you built nothing but pipes?  Secondly, why have you filled those pipes with man eating plants?  Thirdly, why have you  named your city "Super Mario Land"?  I don't understand.

Your Parenting Problems – Spanked

Parents, it’s time to listen up.  I'm sick to the back teeth of your pathetic little womb-escapologists coming up to me and asking stupid questions like “are you my real daddy?” “can you stop standing on my cat?” or “if you’re not selling ice cream, why do you have a van and encourage children to climb inside?”  The answers are far too complicated for their puny brains to comprehend.

What I mean is, it’s time for all the parents out there to take control of their kids.  That’s why I’ve decided to give out some much needed parenting advice online.  I am fully versed on the subject of childcare.  I’ve watched enough 80’s Hollywood movies in which self made bachelors end up caring for a child in unlikely circumstances, too many in fact.  In other words, I reckon I know which end of a child to wipe (answer: both).  Anyway, here are some hapless parents who need some tender loving advice:

Gemma Driveway – Calorie Counter Dear Addman, My daughter is refusing to eat her greens.  I gave her a plate full of delicious curried sprouts, but she wouldn’t eat it.  I even gave her a green potato, but she claimed it was “mouldy” and wouldn’t eat the damned thing.  How can I guilt trip her into eating my hastily prepared cuisine?

Dear Gemma,

I always tell my children (well, not my children, but ones on opposite tables in restaurants) that for every pea they fail to eat, a rabbit who could have eaten that pea, will die.  Children love rabbits, so if they think their actions might go towards the harm of rabbits, they’ll swiftly change.  If your child is particularly stubborn, you can buy some pet rabbits and skin them alive, hanging them about the place like a Turkish butcher’s window.  Children need visual reinforcement, you see.  Failing that, sitting down to eat a fresh rabbit pie should teach her the error of her ways.

Alaister Pigeon – Haemorrhoid Farmer

Dear Addman,

My son’s birthday is coming up soon.  What should I get him as a present?

Dear Alaister,

You poor, naive, fool.  In the same vein as Valentine’s Day or funerals, birthdays are events orchestrated by greetings card companies to con the public out of their hard earned money.  However, if you insist on getting a present, you can’t go far wrong with a shovel.  Imagine how much fun they’d have shovelling the driveway so daddy can go to work in the morning!  Children also love to bury bones in the back yard.  Or is that dogs?  I might be mistaking kids for dogs again, like that time I left my nephew tied up in the garden.

Barry Shogun – Heavyweight Cardboard Boxer

Dear Addman,

My neighbour has two very rowdy young boys who keep kicking a ball over my fence.  They then climb over the fence to fetch their ball back, without my permission.  I tried to discuss this abhorrent behaviour with their mother, who proceeded to hold my head down near her bottom and fart on me.  What can I do?

Dear Barry,

Easy, buy some mutant, electrified guard dogs.  Next!

Stuart Pourer – Head Tester

Dear Addman,

My damn wife wants us to start a family together.  Despite my tendency to be in and out of prison more often than a book library, Ingrid thinks it’s a great idea for us to reproduce.  I’ve told her that I unofficially had the snip during a knife fight that didn’t go in my favour, but she reckons that they can operate and fix this these days.  How can I persuade her that kids are a bad idea?

Dear Stuart,

Kids are always a bad idea.  I don’t know who it was who invented kids, but I’d force him to revise his blueprints.  Basically, they are stupid, miniature versions of yourself who are protected, by law, from being forced to perform simple tasks for your own profit.  The only useful thing about kids is that they provide a vessel through which you can pass your neuroses onto the next generation.  I hope that my crippling fear of bananas will live on in my children, and my children’s children, until one day, an army of my descendants rises up to destroy the banana republic. 

Anyway, the best way to put your spouse off is give her a long list of made up congenital defects that are prevalent throughout your family tree.  Tell her about your great grandfather who had an exploding spleen.  Regale her with tales of your uncle Norris who tragically passed away after a severe case of eyelash cancer.  With enough horror stories like these, she’ll probably decide that inflicting your children on the world is an unnecessary evil.

Nicole Papa – Cigarette Dispenser

Dear Addman,

My youngest child is fast approaching the age where I have to give him “the talk”.  Although I’ve given this talk eleven times before, it never gets any easier.  Are there any tips you can give me on this matter?

Dear Nicole,

I never had “the talk” myself.  I learned everything I needed to know about sex from listening to Bloodhound Gang records.  In fact, it wasn’t until my mid twenties that I learned you could have sex while facing each other, so maybe that particular band isn’t the best example.  I would recommend learning through music though.  Perhaps this video from Tenacious D might educate your little one in how to behave during intercourse:

Brian Herbie-White – Professional Playa Hater

Dear Addman,

My son is getting bullied at school.  There’s a bigger kid who keeps stealing his lunch money, throwing his new shoes on the sports hall roof, and pouring spaghetti down his jumper.  I wanted to go to the school and tell them, but my son begged me not to, as he’s scared the bullying will get worse.  What can I do?

Dear Brian,

Your son needs to toughen up.  When I was younger, me and my friends had some trouble with bullies, so we took up wrestling.  Mr Grainger down the road ran a free wrestling class in his basement.  We couldn’t tell our parents or else it would spoil our wrestling powers, but Mr Grainger taught us loads by throwing us around on a dirty mattress.  He had an unusual technique, and wore nothing but a vest while he wrestled, but it taught me some eye-watering manoeuvres.  My friends refused to go back there, but I kept seeing him up until I was fourteen, when he mysteriously moved house.  Anyway, some combat training might be the best solution for your son.

Alison Packard – Chief Designer Of Chiefs

Dear Addman,

I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two children.  Both my daughters want to start gymkhana, but I have trouble even spelling it, let alone having the time to take them to one every week.  How can I let my princesses down gently?

Dear Alison,

If there's one thing I know about little girls, it’s that they hate riding horses with a passion.  I don’t know what your daughters think a gymkhana is, but I think you should set them straight.  Then they’ll take up more appropriate girl hobbies, like running up gigantic phone bills, fantasising about teachers, and learning dance moves in the hopes of getting laid at the school disco.

Marissa Duracell – Child Photographer

My child has been really ill and has been bedbound for a couple of weeks now.  She keeps spewing out green slime, turning her head round 360 degrees, and I’ve occasionally caught her crawling around on the ceiling, shouting swear words.  The doctors have prescribed Ritalin, but it doesn’t seem to do much.  What can I do?

Dear Marissa,

I think I saw a movie that was about this once.  Do her symptoms include masturbating with a crucifix, and an aversion to Holy Water?  If so, I think you might find the answer in an old, yet rather controversial movie. 

I think the movie was called Big.  In it, Tom Hanks wishes he was older, which comes true overnight, leaving him in an adult’s body.  I think that your little girl is becoming a woman, and her terrible behaviour is a result of the growing pains of adolescence.  You need to sit down and have a talk with your daughter, explain to her about the changes her body will go through, then slap her repeatedly until she stops being so repellent.

That’s all for now.  Join me next time when I’ll be teaching people how hitting your kids is bad as you might hurt your hand, and how to handle a toddler who has set fire to himself.  Good bye!

Your Pet Problems - Neutered

Howdy folks. Do you find going to the vets expensive? Don’t enjoy sitting next to other people’s smelly dogs? That’s why I’ve decided to give out some pet advice right here, on the Internet. Sure I might not have any official training, or a fancy diploma, or even owned an animal before, but I’ve recently watched Frozen Planet and have tasted many varieties of animals in restaurants.
With this expertise, I decided I’d help some clueless pet owners and give them a bit of advice on how idiotic they are, in the hopes that I can stop them from killing their pets. Below are some hopeless individuals who should probably be reported to the RSPCA:

Gemma Driveway – Gas Pumper


Dear Addman,


My cat has developed the rather strange habit of licking metallic objects. I first noticed this when I got my step ladder out and left it set up while I went to fetch something. When I came back, the whole thing was covered in cat saliva, causing me to slip off the top step and dislocate both shoulders. I’ve also caught him writhing around in the cutlery drawer in a state of oral ecstasy. Is there anything I can do?

Dear Gemma,

Cats tend to develop a taste for metal when they don’t have enough iron in their diet. In your stupidity, I imagine you’ve failed to buy a suitable cat food brand with the appropriate nutrition. If your regular cat food doesn’t include the recommended levels of iron, I’d usually suggest putting iron filings in his food, and ball bearings in his water. However, a cat that is licking step ladders is beyond help at this point. I’d recommend putting him down, which is a shame because he’d have been perfectly fine were it not for your blatant negligence.

Alaister Pigeon – Chartered Heston Accountant


Dear Addman,


I have a budgie named Bob who I have owned for around 4 years. I’ve spoken softly to him for at least 2 hours every day, repeating choice phrases such as “Pretty boy”, “Fuck Da Police”, and “Oooh Alaister, you’re soooo big!”. So far, he’s never uttered a word. What can I do to get him to talk?



Dear Alaister

It’s quite clear that Bob doesn’t like you. He probably hates your guts, what with your poor lifestyle choices and that annoying way you catalogue your shirts. On that description, I hate you too. Bob seems to be a sharp judge of character if you ask me.

However, you asked for a solution, so here it is. You could try finding out what aspect of your flawed character really irks your budgie and changing that. Try wearing a different jumper when you approach him. Perhaps speak to him in a different accent. Wear some glasses, anything to disguise that pathetic sense of self. Failing that, I’d have Bob put down.

Barry Shogun – Curtain Twitcher


Dear Addman


I am sick to death of my neighbour’s cats climbing over the fence and digging around in my back yard. Not only are they burying their shit all over the place and ruining my tulips, they are also uncovering human remains that I’d rather keep hidden. I’ve tried using landmines and bear traps, but the little buggers are too crafty. What else can I do?


Dear Barry,

I heard somewhere that cats don’t like orange peel so spreading some of that around might work. Try planting an orange tree, or if you need a higher concentration of orangey goodness to obliterate those pesky moggies, hollow out 10,000 jaffa cakes and spread the innards all over your garden. If the jaffa lawn idea doesn’t work, I’d recommend capturing the cats and having them put down.

Stuart Pourer – Sumo Sweat Wiper

A few months ago I found an owl tangled up in the mesh fencing surrounding a local park. I cut it free with wire clippers, but the poor thing was too weak to fly, so I took it home. Slowly but surely, I have nursed that little owl back to strength on a mixture of warm milk and fresh mice. Over time, we have developed a strong bond and his strength has returned. He’s able to catch prey in the long run I’ve created in the garden, and I’m confident that he’d do great in the wild. Have you got any tips on releasing him back into his natural habitat?



Dear Stuart,

You fool! After spending so long around humans, this owl will have lost its hunting and survival skills. He simply won’t be able to make it on his own in the wild. You should have him put down immediately!

Nicole Papa – Lambrini Spokeswoman & Enthusiast


Dear Addman,


My ex boyfriend bought a snake for our daughter, Shaneliza for Christmas. He bought it off a guy in a pub, and it didn’t come with a hutch or perches or anything. I think it might be ill because its skin keeps coming off and it doesn’t have any legs. None of us know anything about snakes, so we need some tips on how to take care of it. The snake is about the length of two empty wine bottles and is a beigey orange colour. Help!

Dear Nicole,

Me and Indiana Jones share many things in common. We both carry an emergency whip, we’ve been chased by large boulders, and we have both been portrayed in a movie by Harrison Ford. More pertinently, we also share a deep fear of snakes.

Let me level with you Nicole; snakes should not be kept as pets. Seriously, look at that thing. In the same way that I dislike Stephen Hawking, I just don’t trust something that can’t walk but can still move around. It’s an abomination of God’s green Earth. I don’t usually say this to people, but I think you should have your pet put down.

Brian Herbie-White – Test Centre Tester


Dear Addman,


My dog keeps getting erections for no apparent reason. I tried patting its thing back down, but that just made things worse. It’s starting to get embarrassing, especially when I’m hosting a dinner party and my guests have to endure a horny dog staring them straight in the eye. How can I calm him down?


Dear Brian,

Let me ask you this. If you were sprouting spontaneous boners all the time, what would you do about it? Aside from having a lonely wank into a crisp packet whilst lubricating yourself with your own blubbery tears of failure, you’d probably want to go out and have sex. This is how your dog feels. I’d suggest finding yourself a bitch who owns a female dog. If that fails, go on the Internet and search for “Furries”. You might be able to hire out one of these people to help your dog find relief.

If none of these things work, then I’m afraid that your dog has a broken penis. Broken organs, sexual or otherwise, are never good news and it’ll only be a matter of time before this takes its toll on your pooch. The kindest thing would be to have it put down.

Alison Packard – Post It Note Maker


Dear Addman


I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two children. In between my long working hours, my evening classes and taking my children to their various after school clubs and activities, we barely even have the time to eat. Now my kids have started badgering me to buy them a pet, but I don’t know what kind of animal to get. Are there any suitable animals for the family that has little time in the day to devote to caring for them?

Dear Alison
All animals require care and attention, and the sooner your bratty kids learn that, the better. Animals are miracles of nature, not consumer goods like an iPod or a battery powered sex aid. It sounds to me like you don’t have the resources to properly care for a pet. Frankly, if I ever hear of you or your family purchasing any animals, I’m sending the police round and reporting you for animal cruelty. If your children pester you about this again, I’d recommend having them put down.

Marissa Duracell – Civil Servant Slicer


Dear Addman,


My poor Gerbil recently passed away in a tragic incident involving a petrol fire, an articulated lorry, a flock of ravenous eagles, and a pickaxe. I miss her sooooo much! Is there any kind of witchcraft that can bring her back to life?

Dear Marissa,

Being dead is no type of life for an animal to lead. You’ll find that your Gerbil becomes despondent and unresponsive due to its recent death, which will put a real crimp on its lifestyle. The kindest thing to do in a situation like this is to have it put down.

Well, that’s all we have time for folks. I hope this has proved to be a useful guide in animal care and that you don’t kill your stupid pets anymore. In the immortal words of Porky Pig, “Th-th-th-thanks for readin’ my shit yo!”.