Friday, 1 June 2012

Advice From SimCity

Congratulations on becoming the new mayor of SimCity!  Here's some useful tips from your advisors:


Hello, I’m McGuiggan and I’m the advisor for recreation and leisure. You need to give your residents something to do. Leaving them to their own devices is not a great idea. Why, back in '73, I remember the problems that occurred when we closed the local swimming pool.  The residents soon become restless and started playing a citywide game of "name that STD" for fun. It wasn't pretty.


Hi, I'm Johnson and I’m in charge of safety.  Fire in disco! Fire in the disco! Fire in the Taco Bell! No, I’m not singing, this is a serious status report. You see all that orange stuff with smoke coming off it? That’s your downtown going up like a light bulb made from matchsticks.  Might want to dispatch a fire engine or two.



Greetings, I'm Huxley, your financial advisor. You wanna be rich don’t you? Then take it off...slowly now. Yeah, and dance a little...nice. They don’t call you mayor candypants for nothing, huh?





Good afternoon, I’m McClaire, your education advisor. Unlike you, our residents will need a good education to get better jobs. Not everyone wants to follow in the family business of selling glances of our genitals to passing motorists.



Alright, I'm Bob the transport bloke. Just thought I’d update you on those requests. A) Segways are not cost effective public transport and B) we can't expect commuters to get a "backie" on their friend's BMX.



Morning stars shine upon you. I'm Serenity, your environmental advisor. Have you considered investing in green technology? No, that’s grass. Yes, I know it’s green. When I say green technologies I mean wind farms, solar power...no... grass isn’t a technology...OKAY STOP CLICKING ON THE GRASS NOW!



Hey, I'm Drips, and I look after your utilities.  I have a few questions for you.  Firstly, why have you built nothing but pipes?  Secondly, why have you filled those pipes with man eating plants?  Thirdly, why have you  named your city "Super Mario Land"?  I don't understand.

12 comments:

  1. I work in finance and I have to say ... Huxley is scarily on target.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a frightening thought. You never did, did you?

      Delete
  2. The names for the people are perfect. And speaking of names, I will be the campaign manager for anyone who wants to run for mayor, anywhere, if his/her name is Candypants. I'm calling every plumber from here to eternity "Drips" same with my friend who has Chlamydia.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! Someone picked up on my STD joke!

      Delete
  3. I used to play Sim City a lot when I was younger, but I never knew what the hell I was doing. I would build industrial plots, but nothing would ever grow on them. Basically I would give up, start a randomly generated city, and release a giant monster to destroy everything.

    By the way, Huxley looks like a guy who fits his description very well.

    P.S. I used to call a friend of mine 'Drippy Dick' because he once had Chlamydia.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The UFOs were always fun to call down to wreak havoc on your city. That was one of my favourite things to do, after creating a giant city with massive skyscrapers, then saving it beforehand of course. Building is fun, but so is tearing down.

      I hope your friend became a plumber. If so, I can design him some business cards using that mugshot of that advisor, with plenty of references to his unfortunate disease. I'm just a generous guy like that.

      Delete
  4. I think that I might possibly be the only person in the entire universe, not to have played Sim City.
    I feel so ashamed! *Bows head and goes and sits in the 'stupid' corner*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's alright Lily. I will strive to come up with something next time that you can relate to better. Perhaps something about chocolate?

      Delete
  5. This makes me really want to play Simcity, although I wish I had those advisors! So much more interesting...Also, destroying cities is one of my favourite parts of the game!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think Maxis should hire me to write for the advisors for the next SimCity. And yes, the destruction was always one of the best bits.

      Delete
  6. I miss playing SimCity...it all got overly complicated.
    But they should hire you to write the advice and bring a little humour back to it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I liked the complication, but it did start to lack the quirky humour that it used to have.

      Delete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.