Monday, 11 June 2012

My New Phone


Hullo electronic screen people!  I’m Addman Senior, informally nicknamed “Oldman”.  Some young ‘uns once asked me if I was related to Gary Oldman, at which they snickered and ran off.  Well, more fool them because, yes, I am indeed a distant cousin of the renowned actor.  Foolish children.

Anyway, my grandson, Addman, wanted me to pen a review of a modern mobile telephony device.  I was pleased to be asked as he usually asks me for money instead, so it felt like a refreshing change.  I explained that I'd never owned such a piece of equipment before as I'd heard the radio waves can cause cancer.  But then I considered that at my time time of life, those emissions might actually prevent cancer instead like a portable chemotherapy machine.  It was at this point that he bundled me into his car, drove down town, and lead me into a high street telephony outlet.

The store was named O2, which seemed ironic as the inside of the store was decked out in images of an underwater scene.  I assume the store manager didn’t realise that the chemical symbol for water is H2O, not O2.  What kind of amateur alchemist is running the show here?

Our local O2 store.  Yoshi not pictured.

After being handed an endless stream of devices by a cheerfully upbeat Japanese kid named Yoshi (successfully maintaining the Asian technophile stereotype), my grandson suggested that I should buy the “Apple iPhone 4S 3G”.  The cordless telephone promised a dazzling array of features, which I will be covering later in this review, but I was not too pleased with the price.  I had to pay £40 a month, plus insurance for this little gizmo.  I explained out loud that my first telephone was purchased for no more than twelve shillings and a cup of tea for the British Telecom engineer who came to install it.  The Asian chap assured me that times had changed, and no amount of haggling or bribery with the toffees in my pocket could persuade him to lower the cost.  That’s almost half my pension!  Still, my grandson reckons that we can get the money back by selling the device on something called an Eee Bay.  Sometimes, I don’t know what he’s talking about.

My first impressions were rather underwhelming, to be honest.  After unwrapping an endless amount of cardboard (I think the Apple corporation manufactures more cardboard than apples these days), I found the telephone’s screen to be incredibly dark and unresponsive.  After nearly half an hour prodding at it, my grandson informed me that you have to insert the battery first.  I ran to fetch the batteries from the remote control, but by the time I had retrieved them, he had already inserted a different battery and had plugged it into the mains.

This is another annoying feature of the Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  For a cordless telephony device, you have to spend an inordinate amount of time with a wire sticking out of the bottom of it.  Apparently, you need to fill it with electricity before it can be used.  As you use the device, the electricity slowly evaporates into the ether or something.  Soon you’ll find yourself having to plug the telephone back in again.  Not exactly cordless technology if you ask me.

The Apple iPhone 4S 3G, cable not pictured.

Once it was finally fully charged, my grandson left me to it and said he’d call me on it tomorrow to find out how I was getting on.  I ran into my first brick wall shortly after he left.  You see, the Apple company forgot to put any buttons on the Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  There’s an on and off button, and a button with a square on it near the bottom, but I couldn’t find a keyboard or a button to ring people or anything.

I once saw a young chap operating a similar device several years ago.  I remember my false teeth falling out when I watched him snap the device in two to reveal a keyboard in the middle of it.  Perhaps this is what the Apple company wanted me to do with their Apple iPhone 4S 3G.

After trying to prise the thing open in several ways, I eventually threw the mobile device on the floor and stamped on it.  I sifted through the shards of glass and transistor wotsits, I was still unable to find a keyboard inside.  Perhaps I did it too hard and broke the keyboard as well.

Anyway, 24 hours and another trip to the underwater retail emporium later, I found myself with yet another Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  I asked if it could come with a keyboard this time, and Yoshi assured me that there is a keyboard “programmed” into it that’s really easy to use.  This time, my grandson decided to supervise and help me locate the relevant functions in the instruction booklet.

One disturbing feature of this telephony device is that it has a nasty habit of speaking to you.  Whilst watching The Simple Life on the television, I was idly flicking through the Apple screens.  Meanwhile on the television, Miss Hilton said something obnoxious about having to clean a hotel room, to which I shouted “Get on with it!  I don’t care whether you are Paris or not!”  The Apple iPhone 4S 3G suddenly piped up and said “Should be pretty nice this weekend in Paris”, and displayed a temperature reading.  How the telephone knows the current body temperature of Paris Hilton is beyond me, and if I was 50 years younger, I would surely enjoy a lovely weekend inside her.  Though I'm not really sure why the telephone decided to join in the conversation at this point.

This is another thing.  I tried to telephone Blacks, the outdoor equipment store, to complain about a waterproof jacket I purchased a few days ago.  Anyway, the telephone keeps activating something called a “Siri” which says “Here’s your search results for Blacks” and shows me some white supremacist websites.  I’m terrified that my telephone thinks I’m a racist.

An app. The mass slaughter of green swine not pictured.

I’d heard a lot about the “apps” that you can get on an Apple iPhone 4S 3G, so I decided to have a look and see which apps would be apt for a geriatric gentleman such as myself.  I had a look at an app called something like “Furious Avian Creatures” in which you have to fling fat crows into brick walls.  I was sickened by this simulation of animal cruelty, and decided that apps weren't really for me.

Overall, I have not enjoyed my experience with the Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  I have found it to be an exercise in frustration.  Even the simplest functions seem 100 times more difficult with this telephone and I fail to see how this technology is supposed to enhance people’s lives.  It doesn’t even taste like apples!  For that reason, I’d recommend sticking to your good old CB radio.  You’re never alone with one of those.

2/10

28 comments:

  1. I quite agree about all these types of phones, they just make life more complex. I have even seen local children talking to each other twenty feet apart because they are unable to talk directly to one another.

    I also have several family members who swear by them...... sorry I mean swear at them all the time

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, I'd love to see Siri's reaction if you swore at it.

      "Here are your results for 'cockjuggler'"

      Delete
  2. I can't imagine what you would get if you searched "blacks" on the internet.
    There used to be cell phones for old people called "Cricket". Young people would get it, program in three numbers, and there would only be three gigantic buttons. I'd be overwhelmed if my grandparents could figure out email, but for them to master an iPhone!?! It would be enough to make me believe in miracles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never heard of that phone before, but I can see a market for it. A little while ago, I spent a good hour trying to teach my girlfriend's gran how to use her mobile. First time she came to use it, she managed to turn it off.

      Delete
  3. Ah, the smartphone. I tweeted about this the other day, but I love that we can make a phone that can talk to us, can search for us, that's basically a tiny computer... and yet I still can't make a call in my own house without it chopping/dropping the call. But hey, why should I expect to use my phone as a phone? What kind of nonsense is that, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you're asking far too much.

      Delete
  4. I've still got the phone that you snap in half to reveal the magic numbers/letters thingamabob, that is contained within this wondrous vessel.

    However, my friend has the latest smartphone, which not only cooks, cleans and puts the kids to bed but also tells you that ,"no, you don't look fat in them jeans", without sniggering behind your back.! These modern telephony creations are a marvel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You need to get yourself one of these flattery devices. They really are the best.

      "Have another cream scone. You've earned it."

      Delete
  5. My phone unfortunately doesn't have gadgets and apps and interwebs. It sucks. I have to find other distractions to entertain myself while driving instead of searching Google to see if cavemen could actually breathe underwater.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're living in the past my friend. What do you do for fun? Push a hoop with a stick down a dirt road? Masturbate? I can't imagine.

      Delete
  6. I reckon that the worst aspect of any of these new smart phones is the fact that making a call is similar to writting a letter and then ripping it up, putting a mtach to it and then handing it to your friend and telling them to try and work out whats what.... all the while its costing you 25p a minute.

    intermittent internet access is the future. if i see the phrase "connection lost. tap to ctry again" i think i might just send my phone back to the manufacturer contained within a crusty bake of my own droppings.

    bloody things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just wait until we get 4G in Britain! Then your connection will still drop, but twice as fast!

      Delete
  7. I love my iPhone but you're right on it needing to continually be charged and it bringing new and interesting ways to waste time (and money).
    I never knew my life needed so many pointless programs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know what you mean. Who knew that an app that makes your voice sound squeaky would be 'essential'.

      Delete
  8. I love my iPhone, but hate having to constantly charge it. I still love it, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm waiting for the day when they bring out nuclear powered batteries. The charge will last a lot longer, but there is a chance you and your phone might fallout.

      Delete
  9. £40 a month? I could just pay my friends to stop bothering me for that price!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or you could hire 40 prostitutes from Poundland. I'm not sure how that information is relevant, but it's a useful thing to know.

      Delete
  10. My review would have been similar. I am still using a very basic mobile phone. It's touchscreen is broken, so I can't make calls, only receive them. iPhone confuse me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Broken touchscreen? There's an app for that. It's called "Stomp". To download it, you have to throw your phone on the floor, and then bring a heavy, steel-toe capped boot down on top of it. Then claim off of your insurance.

      Delete
  11. I can't wait for wireless charging to become functional and commonly available.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Too true. That, and hoverboards are on my wishlist for 2020.

      Delete
  12. My phone is a piece of shit and doesn't include any fancy apps/technical buttons. Nor does it do anything particularly amazing. At all. I wouldn't know what to do with an Iphone!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've only just joined the smartphone revolution myself. Although I think it's great, it's not going to change your life drastically. Not unless you consider checking Facebook while driving to read what your friends had for dinner as life changing.

      Delete
  13. Ugh... Thanks for reminding me what a piece of crap my new phone is. It's pretty much useless without a data plan and it's not even a full Android phone. :\

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmm, I wonder what phone you've got. Would a half-android be called a cyborg?

      Delete
  14. Yep sounds like a stupid phone- it knows the tempeture in Paris?! Sweet! I didn't know phones had gotten so advanced!

    Thanks for all the great information Addman Senior! Your very insightful and informative! and I always read your write ups before making a purchase!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Next time I'll get him review lawn turf. Which one helps to keep those kids away? Stay tuned...

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.