Biscuit Smackdown

I come to you today, dear readers, as a broken man.  One of my lifelong heroes has callously shattered my heart, and he doesn’t even know it.  I have spent the better part of my teenage years trying to emulate this person, doing my utmost to become him right down to his gait and social mannerisms.  I have considered branding myself with his glory, going under the needle and “getting ink done”.  I wanted a tattoo of his glorious fizzog on my arm.  That way, I could look at my emaciated bicep, be reminded of his greatness, and be inspired to do more.

However, all of that has now changed since he made a grievous admission of failure.  His dirty little secret has now been exposed, meaning that I cannot look at him in the same way again.  It’s a little bit like when David Carradine killed himself having a stranglewank.  Mr Carradine was such a cool guy, but now I can’t watch Kill Bill or Deathrace without imagining him hanging naked in a cupboard with a pair of tights wrapped round his neck.  This is how I now feel about Bumferry Hogart after his deplorable biscuit admission.

Bumferry Hogart reckons that Jammie Dodgers are bad.  He prefers the biscuity abortion that is the custard cream. 

I understand if you need to take a break from this article to gather your thoughts, or perhaps chuck up your entire digestive system.  When I read those words, my liver spontaneously gave out, filling my entire body with burning bile which bubbled over like a boiling pan.

The superior Jammie Dodger

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking “how can you chastise this man over his biscuit beliefs?  Is a man not entitled to his own opinion?  Isn’t taste subjective?”.  In most cases I would happily agree with you.  However, I can prove, beyond all reasonable doubt using the mediums of logic and science, that custard creams are crap and Jammie Dodgers are great.
For starters, Jammie Dodgers are a splendid union betwixt jam and biscuit.  Jam is delicious and biscuits are delicious.  Taking the legend of Legion into account, a combined entity can become more than the sum of its parts.  Using this equation, we can plainly deduce that combining these ingredients into a Jammie Dodger, we have a unique and wonderful product that defies the taste buds.

On the other hand, the lowly custard cream cannot hope to achieve such a status.  Notice how I don’t capitalise custard creams in the same I do with Jammie Dodgers?  That’s because Jammie Dodgers is a brand name.  I don’t think custard creams are a brand, but I daren’t check Wikipedia because I don’t want custard creams in my search history, thus sullying my grand online reputation.  Jammie Dodgers are crafted by a company and subject to quality control, whereas custard creams are (possibly) knocked out by a couple of greasy lads in a backstreet somewhere with no regard for the end product.  It is the same difference as buying meth from Walter White, or some random meth head you met in a public bathroom.

Upon analysing the name “custard cream”, you have to surmise that the chief ingredients are custard and cream.  Custard is quite creamy in its texture, thus making it extra creamy.  That would be fine if it wasn’t for the fact that it is presented in biscuit form.  You might as well gargle with a pint of cream.  In fact, I’m starting a petition to rename them “cream creams”.  Since the chief component is cream, I can safely say that custard creams are not revolutionary in the same way that Jammie Dodgers are.  Plenty of biscuits offer a cream component, thus custard creams do not take the medium in a different direction.  They don’t bring anything new to the table.  They are less than nothing.

Ick

So, Bumferry, or as I now like to call you, “Oh He Of Little Taste”, here is my challenge to you.  Prove to me that you can stomach the taste of custard creams.  I want a video uploaded somewhere online of you chewing your way through an entire packet of custard creams.  If you love them so much, you’ll eat the whole packet without a moment’s hesitation.  If you do this, I shall respond by eating a whole packet of Jammie Dodgers, then we’ll let the people decide who looks like they are enjoying it the most.

If a clear winner is not decided, I will donate to charity if you can present your birth certificate.  Oh wait, I thought I was Donald Trump there.  Scrap that, just the biscuit thing.  What say you, Bumferry?