Friday, 7 June 2013

Biscuit Smackdown

I come to you today, dear readers, as a broken man.  One of my lifelong heroes has callously shattered my heart, and he doesn’t even know it.  I have spent the better part of my teenage years trying to emulate this person, doing my utmost to become him right down to his gait and social mannerisms.  I have considered branding myself with his glory, going under the needle and “getting ink done”.  I wanted a tattoo of his glorious fizzog on my arm.  That way, I could look at my emaciated bicep, be reminded of his greatness, and be inspired to do more.

However, all of that has now changed since he made a grievous admission of failure.  His dirty little secret has now been exposed, meaning that I cannot look at him in the same way again.  It’s a little bit like when David Carradine killed himself having a stranglewank.  Mr Carradine was such a cool guy, but now I can’t watch Kill Bill or Deathrace without imagining him hanging naked in a cupboard with a pair of tights wrapped round his neck.  This is how I now feel about Bumferry Hogart after his deplorable biscuit admission.

Bumferry Hogart reckons that Jammie Dodgers are bad.  He prefers the biscuity abortion that is the custard cream. 

I understand if you need to take a break from this article to gather your thoughts, or perhaps chuck up your entire digestive system.  When I read those words, my liver spontaneously gave out, filling my entire body with burning bile which bubbled over like a boiling pan.

The superior Jammie Dodger


Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking “how can you chastise this man over his biscuit beliefs?  Is a man not entitled to his own opinion?  Isn’t taste subjective?”.  In most cases I would happily agree with you.  However, I can prove, beyond all reasonable doubt using the mediums of logic and science, that custard creams are crap and Jammie Dodgers are great.
For starters, Jammie Dodgers are a splendid union betwixt jam and biscuit.  Jam is delicious and biscuits are delicious.  Taking the legend of Legion into account, a combined entity can become more than the sum of its parts.  Using this equation, we can plainly deduce that combining these ingredients into a Jammie Dodger, we have a unique and wonderful product that defies the taste buds.

On the other hand, the lowly custard cream cannot hope to achieve such a status.  Notice how I don’t capitalise custard creams in the same I do with Jammie Dodgers?  That’s because Jammie Dodgers is a brand name.  I don’t think custard creams are a brand, but I daren’t check Wikipedia because I don’t want custard creams in my search history, thus sullying my grand online reputation.  Jammie Dodgers are crafted by a company and subject to quality control, whereas custard creams are (possibly) knocked out by a couple of greasy lads in a backstreet somewhere with no regard for the end product.  It is the same difference as buying meth from Walter White, or some random meth head you met in a public bathroom.

Upon analysing the name “custard cream”, you have to surmise that the chief ingredients are custard and cream.  Custard is quite creamy in its texture, thus making it extra creamy.  That would be fine if it wasn’t for the fact that it is presented in biscuit form.  You might as well gargle with a pint of cream.  In fact, I’m starting a petition to rename them “cream creams”.  Since the chief component is cream, I can safely say that custard creams are not revolutionary in the same way that Jammie Dodgers are.  Plenty of biscuits offer a cream component, thus custard creams do not take the medium in a different direction.  They don’t bring anything new to the table.  They are less than nothing.

Ick


So, Bumferry, or as I now like to call you, “Oh He Of Little Taste”, here is my challenge to you.  Prove to me that you can stomach the taste of custard creams.  I want a video uploaded somewhere online of you chewing your way through an entire packet of custard creams.  If you love them so much, you’ll eat the whole packet without a moment’s hesitation.  If you do this, I shall respond by eating a whole packet of Jammie Dodgers, then we’ll let the people decide who looks like they are enjoying it the most.

If a clear winner is not decided, I will donate to charity if you can present your birth certificate.  Oh wait, I thought I was Donald Trump there.  Scrap that, just the biscuit thing.  What say you, Bumferry?

33 comments:

  1. You're not wrong. Custard...sorry custard creams are bad, just bad bad. If a person's tastes have him leaning toward such an abomination of culinary cruelty, it brings all other decisions and actions into question.
    Also, Stranglewank was my Goth stripper name.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Pickleope for casting your vote on this matter. Who know what other perversions Bumferry gets up to in his spare time. Next he'll be eating Marmite out of the jar while laughing.

      Delete
    2. Marmite is an anagram of Time Ram. Neither of which sound pleasant, but I would rather be subjected to a time ram than a jammie dodger.

      Delete
  2. I am sure Mr H will rise to the challenge, he is a man of greatness, a man with taste, and man who will laugh in the face of your dodgy Jammie Dodgers. A hero, a legend in his own lunchtime.

    What do we want . . . CUSTARD CREAMS
    When do we want them . . . . NOW


    Jammie Jammie Dodgers
    OUT OUT OUT.

    It is just like the War of the Roses all over again. (I don't like the toffee's myself)


    Come on Tim (sorry Mr H)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rob, you are usually a man of unimpeachable scruples. However, if you throw your hat in with this sicko snack perv, I'm afraid I can't be held responsible for the actions of my loyal followers who will round up all the custard cream lovers and incarcerate them in concentration camps.

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    2. ROB!! RUN AWAY! It's the Biscuit Gestapo!

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    3. Its OK Mr H I cant be intimidated by a man nibbling a slightly chewy jam centre, they cant sweep their crumbs under the carpet this time . . . .

      I've seen Rhubarb and Custard a show that tells it like it is for the Custard Cream. Not like that Artful (Jammie) Dodger with his raggedy clothes and rubbish singing.....

      Delete
  3. "biscuity abortion"?
    Did you mean "biscuity abhorrence"?
    Err...

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    Replies
    1. Nope, I meant it! I meant it bad!

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  4. This is the most English post I've ever read.

    I haven't tried either of these "biscuits", but that's not to say I wouldn't love seeing either of you stuff an entire package down your esophagus. It's... It's some weird fetish of mine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, we English folk are very much into our biscuits. I'm sorry if this alienates all of you Americans out there.

      Actually, I'm not. Learn to love biscuits you crazy foreigners!

      Delete
    2. Jammie dodgers look like a very sore bum hole surrounded by crumbly biscuit. Custard creams are .... beyond description.

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  5. It's a good thing you didn't get that tattoo then...

    I don't mind custard creams myself, but there really is no comparison when they're up against jammie dodgers.

    THANKS A LOT NOW I WANT A JAMMIE DODGER AND WE DON'T HAVE THEM HERE

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. http://www.britsuperstore.com/acatalog/Burtons_Biscuits.html

      You're welcome.

      Delete
    2. .....aaaaaaaaaaaand there goes my paycheck

      Delete
  6. I like both custard creams and Jammie Dodgers but I do agree that Jammie Dodgers are the superior biscuits. I can see why you might think custard creams are good, but not why they're better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then you are simply not looking hard enough Mark. Try again.

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    2. Quiet you! Mark is a man of science! Presented with the facts, he has come to the only logical conclusion.

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  7. Anyway how come you are holding a chocolate chip cookie in your hand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It used to be a Jammie Dodger, but the government made me change it because it was "too sexual".

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  8. WHAT?

    I'm with you, Addman.

    Bumferry - OVERRULED. I'm coming to vandalise your blog now. I just got a new can of spray paint, and I need a new laptop screen anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Myesss, myessss, fly my pretties! FLY!

      Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest you were pretty or anything.

      Delete
  9. I myself am a Hob Nobs sort of person, so I can talk on this with some neutrality. Custard creams are terrible. Way too sweet. And you can't dunk them in milk, because they fall apart immediately. Now, Jammie Dodgers are a bit too sweet as well, but I like the sensation of the jam just oozing out when you bite into one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hob Nobbers are the true negotiators of the snack world. With your help, perhaps we can heal these rifts between our people and prevent all out war.

      Nah, sod it, I want a war! Death to custard creams!

      Delete
    2. Important note: custard creams must only be dipped in coffee. Do not eat dry or dipped in anything else. No no...that wont do at all. Now a dark chocolate covered hobnob in ice cold milk....is heaven...mmmm

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  10. Jammie dodgers are indeed the superior biscuit. But tell me, what are your thoughts on Jaffa Cakes? Are they biscuits... or cakes?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Excuse me...I mean...over here! HELLO! What would happen if a Jammie Dodger and a custard cream got together? Well the greatest biscuit on earth would be born! Yep, its the Jam Sandwich Cream....mmmmmm.....I win! :P

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    Replies
    1. p.s a more credible question would be...are you a dipper? heheheheh

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    2. or...digestive or rich tea? let the battle commence.

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    3. Oh my god! Far too many biscuit combinations for me to cope with! I would dip a rich tea though.

      Delete

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