Monday, 24 June 2013

Your Dreams - Analysed

Dreams are a wonderful thing which people from all walks of life can share.  It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, black or white, chaste or a sexual deviant, we all have dreams.  Well, except for those insomniacs.  Frankly, I don't trust 'em.

Anyway, while we all dream on a regular basis, we don't tend to realise that our dreams are actually manifestations of our subconcious, and they can tell us plenty about our own psychological make-up.  That's why Dream Interpretors are becoming big business.  The more dreams are had, the more people want to know what they mean.  After a crash course in dream interpreting (I dreamed the whole course), I feel suitably prepared to give people a firm imaginary diagnosis.  Call me Dr. Strangedreams, but not on any postal cheques you care to send me.  Call me Margret Montague on those.




Gemma Driveway – Toe Polisher

Dear Addman,

I had a dream that I was being chased by a crocodile.  What the fuck?




Dear Gemma,

Crocodiles are ferocious animals that will clamp down on your arm with a legion of razor sharp teeth, and death roll you into the drink.  However, a dream crocodile is usually a representation of a person that we know in real life.  Most people will dream of a person they know who turns into a crocodile, like some kind of were-croc.  The croc in your dream most likely represents someone in your daily life who terrifies you on some level.  Perhaps it is a rather imposing boss or work colleague.  Maybe you feel intimidated by the actions of a friend.  Or perhaps you're just really scared of crocodiles. 

Either way, these dreams are going to get more and more intense.  I've observed many people who have been driven insane by crocodiles in their dreams.  To avoid this situation, you need to stop falling asleep right away.  Irreprable damage to your psyche may occur if you so much as go for another snooze.  If you're having trouble staying awake, I recommend Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).





Alaister Drew – Shelf Mopper

Dear Addman,

Last week I had a vivid dream that my wife left.  I woke up and I was so convinced she'd gone, that I went straight down to the registry office and filed for divorce, just to teach the smug bitch a lesson.  When I got home and found her still asleep in bed, I realised I'd made a terrible mistake.  How can I convince the courts about my dream and stop the divorce being finalised?




Dear Alaister,

We dream of relationship problems when we are having relationship problems.  Simple as that.  Plus, you seemed quite eager to get that divorce, so I suspect there's more than a little trouble in chinatown island.  I can't fix your marital issues, but I can guess that your wife is going to murder you as you sleep.  As such, you need to stay awake by drinking Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).  This luxorious coffee will pep you up enough to avoid any thrown knives or mustard gas released by your enraged missus.


Barry Shogun – Jolly Good Fellow


Dear Addman,

The other day I had a really weird dream that I was excavating ancient ruins with Ringo Starr.  He still had his shades on, despite the fact that we were working by torchlight.  Eventually, we uncovered a stone tablet with directions to El Dorado.  What on earth does this mean?

 

Dear Barry,

A man who dreams of Ringo Starr is a man without imagination.  There were three other Beatles that were infinitely more interesting to choose from.  And El Dorito?  While it sounds tasty, I imagine it's a dull-as-dishwater backwards town in Mexico where the main tourist attraction is an overflowing slop bucket with the face of Jesus in it.  And archaeology is boring unless Indiana Jones is involved.  I'm almost falling asleep just listening to this.  To stop your friends falling asleep around a bland, insipid individual such as yourself, I recommend you make them some aromatic Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).



Stuart Pourer – Outhouse Renovator


Dear Addman,

I dreamed a dream of times gone by.  Am I gay?






Dear Stuart,

Yes.  As a newly qualified homosexual, you should drink Nescafe Gold Blend, the official sponsor of manlove.
 


Nicole Papa – Dole Recipient

Dear Addman,

I had a terrible dream that Jeremy Kyle had been cancelled. I woke up in a cold sweat and switched on ITV, but luckily it was still on.  It was the American version where a woman was trying to get a guy to confess to being her "babydaddy".  Then Jeremy got all up in someone's face and shouted at them, making them feel 2 inches tall and compounding their self esteem issues.  It was a classic episode.


Dear Nicole,

I'm not sure if you want some analysis, or just wanted someone to gossip with about this chat show.  I'll give you some analysis anyway, but I suggest you get some friends to alleviate that lonliness.

Anyway, a dream that we have lost something or someone dear is an emotional response to an overwhelming desire.  Your brain is fighting against the obsession, and is doing so the most frightening manner possible.  You need to evaluate just how much time you spend watching the show, and consider the fact that you may be addicted.  Try and limit your exposure to Jeremy Kyle, or replace it with a caffine addiction, courtesy of Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).





Brian Herbie-White – Champagne Campaigner

Dear Addman,

I keep getting this one weird dream where I'm falling.  I fall and fall and fall, but there doesn't seem to be a bottom.  I'm just falling through an infinite chasm.  Eventually, I start to get bored and play with a yoyo.  What on Earth does that mean?




Dear Brian,

We experience falling dreams when we are nervous of failure.  Do you have an important deadline for something?  This is usually caused by the fear of not meeting a particularly stressful target.  If you have a large workload on, you'll need to take it all home and blast through it in one evening.  To make sure you stay awake during this all-nighter, I'd recommend a lovely steaming mug of Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).



Alison Packard – Bean Flicker

Dear Addman,

I'm a busy, high-poerwed career woman who juggles a full-time job and two children.  Frankly, I don't have the time to dream about anything.  I power nap for 30 minutes a day and I don't want to have a restless sleep of thoughts and unnecessary stuff.  How can I stop dreaming?






Dear Alison,

You cannot stop dreams.  Dreams are an important part of your psychological development.  A scientific study recently concluded that, with the amount of energy we consume through food and water, humans don't actually need to sleep in modern society.  We don't need to conserve our energy as we get more than enough through our food.  Thus, the only reason we sleep is to dream.  Our brain works out complex problems and reflects on the events of the day, meaning that you get more mental stimulation from sleep than from a lecture.  So, if you ever fall asleep in class, you can tell the teacher that you are nurturing your mental development.

You know what else aids your mental development?  Coffee!  Specifically Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).




Marissa Duracell – Unconvincing Spy

Dear Addman,

I often dream that I have coathangers for hands, purple hair, and a pet armadillo named Mark Crisp who has dandelions growing from a protrusion on his neck.  We often go around fighting crime.  What do you make of that, Mr Smartypants dream guy!?



Dear Marissa,

I think you need to drink more Nescafe Gold Blend (tm)!
 

Thanks everyone for your incredibly shit questions.  Now...if you'll....excuse me....I've been awake for 6 days solid...TIME FOR A COFFEE!

P.S. The podcast is taking a short mid-season break today, but will return shortly.


19 comments:

  1. I dreamed I was drowning in Nescafe gold blend (tm). In it, I was rescued by a green tea bag. The problem was, I was awake, it happened just now. It may still be happening. What have you done to my mind with your subliminal advertising!?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Myesss, myessss, and now I shall reveal myself as the chairman of Nescafe! This whole Blog has been nothing but a viral ad for coffee! Everything you've read over the past couple of years has been a lie! Succumb to the latte!

      Delete
  2. I'm beginning to suspect there might be some product placement in this post. But I can't work out what it is. Boy do I want some Nescafe Gold. As for dreams, it's almost disturbing how many dreams mean you're gay or what to shag your mother/father.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is exactly why I never want to study Freud. I'm afraid of what I might uncover about myself. Knowing my luck, I'll probably turn out to be a deep down right-winger.

      Delete
  3. So I laughed really hard at the "I dreamed a dream of times gone by" line... but does that make me gay for understanding that reference? Time to pop in Les Mis and drink some Nescafe Gold, I guess.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know who is the most gay. Me for writing the joke, or you for getting it.

      Delete
  4. I appear to be having a recurring dream where I am trapped reading the blog of a madman who interprets dreams, I keep trying to escape but I hear him shouting Nescafe Gold Blend (tm) . . . . I dont like Nescafe Gold Blend I would much rather have a cup of tea. Why is he doing this, why wont he give me a cup of tea, who is he, why is he throwing Jammie Dodgers at me, no one likes them. . . . .

    THe whole dream seems so real, but a nice cup of tea helps made with one of those nice PG Tips tea bags on special offer from the local supermarket, and if I say so myself a far more refreshing and economic drink than Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).



    (OK when do I get the free tea bags chaps) . . . . . DAMN I was not meant to write that bit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If we keep naming brands they're bound to give some freebies sooner or later. AUDI SAMSUNG IMAX HAPPYMEAL!

      Actually, that might be the name of the next Kanye baby.

      Delete
    2. NIKE (sorry nice) reply....

      Delete
  5. I had a dream once, in 2003. It was rubbish. Won't make that mistake again. I wrote a letter to my local MP about and demanded a refund.

    Still waiting for a reply and a postal order for my troubles.... Bloody government. It's one rule for them that are allowed to cheat on their expenses accounts and another rule for those who have run out of medication and cant stop writing inappropriate letters to members of parliament...again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Crooks, the lot of 'em! I bet MP's claim expenses for things they've bought in dreams too. It's disgusting!

      Delete
  6. So, should I be concerned about a dream where I'm being chased by the undead corpses of the 14 budgies I unintentionally massacred by feeding them cabbage, or should I just drink a Nescafe Gold and assume my role as a homosexual?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Budgies can't eat cabbage? I have to go...to the budgie sanctuary I volunteer at...on completely unrelated business.

      Delete
  7. I don't know why, but this post really made me want to drink some Nescafe Gold Blend. I sense some subliminal programming.

    I had a dream that an extra limb (a leg) erupted from my chest. What do you reckon? I think something phallic maybe be afoot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice pun, but I reckon it's the opposite. Similar to the chestbursters in Alien, this is exposing the bizarre alien concept of pregnancy and what it feels like to play host to another lifeform.

      Sleep tight.

      Delete
  8. Very funny post. I laughed so hard my Nescafe came out my nose.

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    Replies
    1. Mwahaha, the plan is working! MWAHAHAHAHA!

      Delete
  9. I always use the website dreambible.com whenever I have a weird or scary dream.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well that's me out of business...

      Delete

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