B – Barista

Recently I found myself in my local Starbucks coffee house, when an unusual event occurred.  I was merely going through my daily ritual of trying to read people’s laptop screens and comment on their work (you’d be amazed at how many free, unpublished novels you get to read this way), when I heard a commotion behind me.  It seemed that Joe the Barista was getting chewed out by his manager.  I knew Joe pretty well since he’s the guy who throws me out every day for trying to get the display beans from between the cracks in the counter to make my own coffee.  After the argument had died down, I approached Joe and asked him what was going on.

“I hate this job.  The management are demeaning and the customers are ugly”

When I pointed out that in this economic climate, most people would kill for a job like his,  he shouted “Fine!  Make your own coffee!” and handed me his apron.

Since the opportunity had presented itself, I slipped the apron over my head with pride, ready to serve the general populace with their warm beverages.  From now on, I wasn’t merely some pleb from the street trying to steal free coffee and books, I was Joe; renowned barista and frothy drink extraordinaire.

I didn’t actually know anything about coffee or the science of making it, so I found my first few minutes of service rather distressing.  Some floppy-haired manchild asked for a Double-Grande Mocha Latte, which I had no idea how to prepare.  I attempted to operate a machine which looked like Sputnik mating with a bathtub, and came out with a fresh cup of watery foam, which I handed to him hopefully.  He didn’t look particularly pleased, but accepted the drink and walked away.

As I followed the exact procedure for the next three customers, I began to realise that nobody knew anything about coffee.  They would step up and confidently order their convoluted concoctions, I’d pour any old foamy mess into their cup, and they’d willingly pay for the privilege.   I was getting paid to fuck up all day long.  It was a dream job!

What the hell is this thing?

As I churned out another liquid abortion for the next customer, the manager appeared from his office and bellowed across the shop floor.

“Where’s Joe?”

I turned around and raised my hand.  The manager looked at me with a scrutinising stare as though he didn’t recognise me, but the name tag was more than enough to convince him of my employment.  He handed me a mop and bucket and informed me that someone needed to clean the bathroom.  One of our beloved patrons had filled the toilet full of Um Bongo, making the men’s bathroom smell like a mulchy rainforest.  I grabbed my cleaning products and prepared to face the unknown.

Cleaning the toilet took a lot of work.  The liquid was backed up all around the system, and scooping it out would just take hours.  I needed a quick solution to the problem so that I could get back to my rewarding work of filling commuters with steamed froth.  I decided that I would pump the whole lot out, saving time and effort.

I fashioned a rudimentary plumbing system out of old styrofoam cups, and hooked it up to one of the steamer machines.  When I turned the taps, the system sucked the hideous concoction out of the bowl and into a carefully placed bucket.  I stood back and smugly watched my handiwork with glee as the toilet began to unclog itself.

Just then, the suction pipe began to splutter and come to a halt.  I checked the length of the styrofoam pipe and couldn’t find a break or anywhere that the pressure might be released.  Someone on the shop floor must have turned the steamer off.  I ran out of the bathroom to find another employee who’d just started his shift, using the steamer to prepare coffee. A whole shop floor of customers was sipping toilet water, and yet, no one was complaining.  They all seemed rather unfazed by the grim liquid swirling around their cups, as though they hadn’t noticed anything different.

Needless to say, I figured it was time to leave the coffee-making industry before anyone found out.  While I do regret the hundreds of people who ingested toilet water that day, being a Barista was one of the most rewarding jobs I’ve ever had, and I hope to achieve those dizzy heights again in the future.

Tancakes

Waitress:  Hi, can I get you a drink?

Customer:  Yes please.  What have you got that’s warm?

Waitress:  Well we have tea, coffee, or a hideous combination of the two that I like to call “Toffee”.

Customer:  Erm, I’ll just have some tea please.

Waitress:  Sure, no problem.  Do you want anything to eat?

Customer:  Okay, what specials have you got?

Waitress:  Well we have bacon, eggs, or a hideous combination of the two that I like to call “Beggs”.

Customer:  Ummm…

Waitress:   We also have toast, pancakes, or a hideous combination of the two that I like to call “Tancakes”.

Customer:  Pancakes will be fine thanks.

Waitress:  Sure, coming right up!

*waitress walks away and takes the order to the kitchen.  A few minutes later, she returns and approaches the table*

Waitress: I’m terribly sorry, but we’ve run out of tea and coffee.  I’ll just make you a nice cup of hideous Toffee instead.

Customer:  Umm okay.

Waitress:  Oh, and we’ve also run out of pancakes.  I’ll fix you some lovely disgusting Tancakes, free of charge.

Customer:  Do they have to be disgusting?

Waitress:  Well, we could combine the Toffee and Tancakes for you.  It's untested, but it might come out alright.

Customer:  And make “Toffcakes”?

Waitress:  Exactly!

Customer:  Can I order something else?

Waitress:  Sorry, too late, I’ve already put your order through.

Customer:  Don’t worry, I’ll go somewhere else.

Waitress:  NO!  Sit down and eat your Toffcakes!

Customer:  But I don’t wanna!

Waitress:  If you don’t eat your Toffcakes, you won’t get any dessert!

Customer:  …and what kind of dessert is that?  Dare I even ask?

Waitress:  It’s a hideous combination of limes and ice cream that I like to call “Lice Cream”.

Customer:  Urgh!  No way!  I’m outta here!

*Customer storms out*

Waitress:  …I just don’t understand why we’re losing customers like this.  It’s not like we’re serving Banoffee or anything…

Hot Confessions

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Your Dreams - Analysed

Dreams are a wonderful thing which people from all walks of life can share.  It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, black or white, chaste or a sexual deviant, we all have dreams.  Well, except for those insomniacs.  Frankly, I don't trust 'em.

Anyway, while we all dream on a regular basis, we don't tend to realise that our dreams are actually manifestations of our subconcious, and they can tell us plenty about our own psychological make-up.  That's why Dream Interpretors are becoming big business.  The more dreams are had, the more people want to know what they mean.  After a crash course in dream interpreting (I dreamed the whole course), I feel suitably prepared to give people a firm imaginary diagnosis.  Call me Dr. Strangedreams, but not on any postal cheques you care to send me.  Call me Margret Montague on those.

Gemma Driveway – Toe Polisher

Dear Addman,

I had a dream that I was being chased by a crocodile.  What the fuck?

Dear Gemma,

Crocodiles are ferocious animals that will clamp down on your arm with a legion of razor sharp teeth, and death roll you into the drink.  However, a dream crocodile is usually a representation of a person that we know in real life.  Most people will dream of a person they know who turns into a crocodile, like some kind of were-croc.  The croc in your dream most likely represents someone in your daily life who terrifies you on some level.  Perhaps it is a rather imposing boss or work colleague.  Maybe you feel intimidated by the actions of a friend.  Or perhaps you're just really scared of crocodiles. 

Either way, these dreams are going to get more and more intense.  I've observed many people who have been driven insane by crocodiles in their dreams.  To avoid this situation, you need to stop falling asleep right away.  Irreprable damage to your psyche may occur if you so much as go for another snooze.  If you're having trouble staying awake, I recommend Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).

Alaister Drew – Shelf Mopper

Dear Addman,

Last week I had a vivid dream that my wife left.  I woke up and I was so convinced she'd gone, that I went straight down to the registry office and filed for divorce, just to teach the smug bitch a lesson.  When I got home and found her still asleep in bed, I realised I'd made a terrible mistake.  How can I convince the courts about my dream and stop the divorce being finalised?

Dear Alaister,

We dream of relationship problems when we are having relationship problems.  Simple as that.  Plus, you seemed quite eager to get that divorce, so I suspect there's more than a little trouble in chinatown island.  I can't fix your marital issues, but I can guess that your wife is going to murder you as you sleep.  As such, you need to stay awake by drinking Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).  This luxorious coffee will pep you up enough to avoid any thrown knives or mustard gas released by your enraged missus.

Barry Shogun – Jolly Good Fellow

Dear Addman,

The other day I had a really weird dream that I was excavating ancient ruins with Ringo Starr.  He still had his shades on, despite the fact that we were working by torchlight.  Eventually, we uncovered a stone tablet with directions to El Dorado.  What on earth does this mean?

 

Dear Barry,

A man who dreams of Ringo Starr is a man without imagination.  There were three other Beatles that were infinitely more interesting to choose from.  And El Dorito?  While it sounds tasty, I imagine it's a dull-as-dishwater backwards town in Mexico where the main tourist attraction is an overflowing slop bucket with the face of Jesus in it.  And archaeology is boring unless Indiana Jones is involved.  I'm almost falling asleep just listening to this.  To stop your friends falling asleep around a bland, insipid individual such as yourself, I recommend you make them some aromatic Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).

Stuart Pourer – Outhouse Renovator

Dear Addman,

I dreamed a dream of times gone by.  Am I gay?

Dear Stuart,

Yes.  As a newly qualified homosexual, you should drink Nescafe Gold Blend, the official sponsor of manlove.
 

Nicole Papa – Dole Recipient

Dear Addman,

I had a terrible dream that Jeremy Kyle had been cancelled. I woke up in a cold sweat and switched on ITV, but luckily it was still on.  It was the American version where a woman was trying to get a guy to confess to being her "babydaddy".  Then Jeremy got all up in someone's face and shouted at them, making them feel 2 inches tall and compounding their self esteem issues.  It was a classic episode.

Dear Nicole,

I'm not sure if you want some analysis, or just wanted someone to gossip with about this chat show.  I'll give you some analysis anyway, but I suggest you get some friends to alleviate that lonliness.

Anyway, a dream that we have lost something or someone dear is an emotional response to an overwhelming desire.  Your brain is fighting against the obsession, and is doing so the most frightening manner possible.  You need to evaluate just how much time you spend watching the show, and consider the fact that you may be addicted.  Try and limit your exposure to Jeremy Kyle, or replace it with a caffine addiction, courtesy of Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).

Brian Herbie-White – Champagne Campaigner

Dear Addman,

I keep getting this one weird dream where I'm falling.  I fall and fall and fall, but there doesn't seem to be a bottom.  I'm just falling through an infinite chasm.  Eventually, I start to get bored and play with a yoyo.  What on Earth does that mean?

Dear Brian,

We experience falling dreams when we are nervous of failure.  Do you have an important deadline for something?  This is usually caused by the fear of not meeting a particularly stressful target.  If you have a large workload on, you'll need to take it all home and blast through it in one evening.  To make sure you stay awake during this all-nighter, I'd recommend a lovely steaming mug of Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).

Alison Packard – Bean Flicker

Dear Addman,

I'm a busy, high-poerwed career woman who juggles a full-time job and two children.  Frankly, I don't have the time to dream about anything.  I power nap for 30 minutes a day and I don't want to have a restless sleep of thoughts and unnecessary stuff.  How can I stop dreaming?

Dear Alison,

You cannot stop dreams.  Dreams are an important part of your psychological development.  A scientific study recently concluded that, with the amount of energy we consume through food and water, humans don't actually need to sleep in modern society.  We don't need to conserve our energy as we get more than enough through our food.  Thus, the only reason we sleep is to dream.  Our brain works out complex problems and reflects on the events of the day, meaning that you get more mental stimulation from sleep than from a lecture.  So, if you ever fall asleep in class, you can tell the teacher that you are nurturing your mental development.

You know what else aids your mental development?  Coffee!  Specifically Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).

Marissa Duracell – Unconvincing Spy

Dear Addman,

I often dream that I have coathangers for hands, purple hair, and a pet armadillo named Mark Crisp who has dandelions growing from a protrusion on his neck.  We often go around fighting crime.  What do you make of that, Mr Smartypants dream guy!?



Dear Marissa,

I think you need to drink more Nescafe Gold Blend (tm)!

 

Thanks everyone for your incredibly shit questions.  Now...if you'll....excuse me....I've been awake for 6 days solid...TIME FOR A COFFEE!

P.S. The podcast is taking a short mid-season break today, but will return shortly.