Friday, 24 January 2014


Waitress:  Hi, can I get you a drink?

Customer:  Yes please.  What have you got that’s warm?

Waitress:  Well we have tea, coffee, or a hideous combination of the two that I like to call “Toffee”.

Customer:  Erm, I’ll just have some tea please.

Waitress:  Sure, no problem.  Do you want anything to eat?

Customer:  Okay, what specials have you got?

Waitress:  Well we have bacon, eggs, or a hideous combination of the two that I like to call “Beggs”.

Customer:  Ummm…

Waitress:   We also have toast, pancakes, or a hideous combination of the two that I like to call “Tancakes”.

Customer:  Pancakes will be fine thanks.

Waitress:  Sure, coming right up!

*waitress walks away and takes the order to the kitchen.  A few minutes later, she returns and approaches the table*

Waitress: I’m terribly sorry, but we’ve run out of tea and coffee.  I’ll just make you a nice cup of hideous Toffee instead.

Customer:  Umm okay.

Waitress:  Oh, and we’ve also run out of pancakes.  I’ll fix you some lovely disgusting Tancakes, free of charge.

Customer:  Do they have to be disgusting?

Waitress:  Well, we could combine the Toffee and Tancakes for you.  It's untested, but it might come out alright.

Customer:  And make “Toffcakes”?

Waitress:  Exactly!

Customer:  Can I order something else?

Waitress:  Sorry, too late, I’ve already put your order through.

Customer:  Don’t worry, I’ll go somewhere else.

Waitress:  NO!  Sit down and eat your Toffcakes!

Customer:  But I don’t wanna!

Waitress:  If you don’t eat your Toffcakes, you won’t get any dessert!

Customer:  …and what kind of dessert is that?  Dare I even ask?

Waitress:  It’s a hideous combination of limes and ice cream that I like to call “Lice Cream”.

Customer:  Urgh!  No way!  I’m outta here!

*Customer storms out*

Waitress:  …I just don’t understand why we’re losing customers like this.  It’s not like we’re serving Banoffee or anything…


  1. You know... All they need is to do a little rebranding and that place can capitalize on their... um... unique menu options & service style. Perhaps a new slogan might help. Something like: Momma’s Place – “You’ll eat what I went to all the trouble to make you and like it, buster!”

    1. That definitely sounds like my mother's place. I'm sure that slogan was pinned up on the kitchen wall somewhere.

  2. Tea and coffee isn't too bad a combination, but I don't think I'd like to combine those things with pancakes.

    1. Well people dip biscuits in tea and coffee. Why not dip some pancakes?

      Actually you're right, it's probably disgusting.

  3. Addman, if I were you I've copyright Toffcakes immediately can get yourself down to Dragon's Den before Tesco beat you to it... xxx

    1. Already done. I've also copyrighted Chewna (chewits and tuna) and Spagamole.

  4. That customer seems like a pretty tough critic. Why waste time eating and drinking every individual portion of your breakfast when you can be in and out in a jiffy by ordering some Toffcakes, Cohaggea, or Panfeelk?

    1. I'm afraid you're gonna have to break those down for me. As nice as Panfeelk sounds, I can't quite figure it out.

    2. Cohaggea is coffee, ham, eggs, and tea. Panfeelk is pancakes, coffee, amd milk. I'm not entirely sure if milk passes for a breakfast beverage.

    3. I suppose milk is a breakfast beverage. I often drink the milk left at the bottom of a bowl after eating cereal.

      I'm not even sure how to pronounce Cohaggea. Is it something you say accidentally while clearing your nose?

  5. But if you have run out of tea and coffee them how do you make . . . . No hang on I understand now . . . .

    They should have asked for the iclime and Coftea

    1. And you have come to the root of the joke. Egg and spam doesn't have much spam in it.

  6. I'm not proud of this, but I've actually had Toffee. The last bit of coffee only filled a quarter of my mug, so I heated some water, made some Earl Grey and mixed the two. Sure, I could have just drank the tea, but I was desperate for caffeine but also way too lazy to make an entire other pot of coffee. Allow me to assure you, your postulation that the combination is "hideous" is indeed the proper descriptor.

    1. Pickleope, you are a massive sicko! Don't worry though, this is a place for sharing without fear, you great pervert. Feel free to tell us other embaressing stories about yourself with fear of judgement, you freak!


Leave me a nice comment or die trying.