The Evils Of Money

They say that money makes the world go round.  That’s an odd statement considering that scientific theory dictates that gravity actually makes the world go round, and that little slips of paper have virtually no effect on the planet’s centrifugal force.  However, a lot of people strongly believe that money is the cause, and by accumulating more of it they’ll make the planet spin faster, meaning that they can go to sleep earlier I guess.

A lot of people also believe that money is the root of all evil.  This is a more believable statement since most of the identifiable evil people in the world also happen to be rich.  They usually require money in order to achieve their nefarious ambitions, and money can be used to buy a lot of evil devices and gadgets.  For example, the cost of a biological warfare facility is out of reach for most people living in council tenancies.

I’m not here to offer solutions to this.  In fact, I’m here to compound the problem further by describing my wildest evil fantasies.

Being a career megalomaniac, I often sit and contemplate the various methods I would use to achieve world domination, if only I had the appropriate funding.  The Bank Of Evil from Despicable Me doesn’t exist in reality (or if they do, they don’t respond to my letters), so I’ll have to settle for daydreaming about global destruction for now.  Anyway, here are my favourite methods for worldwide devastation:

The world's evil bank

Death Ray

The death ray is a classic weapon amongst supervillains.  In fact, you’re not truly evil until you’ve tried to build a planet-shattering laser of some description.  Most villains like to install their death rays on the moon for a clear shot, but I have a more devious method of construction.
By beginning assembly in Cuba, no one would suspect anything.  Cuba is a good nation that is certainly not on any US government watch lists, and is within easy firing distance of the planet’s chubbiest superpower.  Cuba also produces cigars by the bucketload.  By using discarded cigar tubes, a death ray of suitable size can be built with subterfuge.  Any overhead spyplanes will just thing a giant cigar is being built, then BAM!  Laser to the face!  Thank you, goodnight!

Genetic Mutants

This is another staple of the villainous stable.  Any evil-doer worth his or her salt will splice together two ferocious animals to create a hideous hybrid army.  How about a murderous pack of Dingo-Falcons?  What about some Spider-Octupi all up in your grill?  Or, worst of all, how about the combined anger of a Hippo-Honey Badger?

Geologically Impossible Structures

An evil villain needs a place to hide away from the law.  That places needs to be somewhere remote and unsafe (how else are those grunts going to needlessly die?).  That’s why bad guys can be found in hollowed out volcanoes, under the sea, or on a floating doom fortress.  My personal favourite however, is to create a base within Area 51.

Think about it for a second and it all makes sense.  Nobody in Area 51 ever questions anyone else.  Everything is on a need to know basis and no one really knows anyone or anything for the sake of security.  You can go about your business without question.  Plus, all that sweet alien technology will certainly improve the propulsion systems on your orbital destruction cannon.

Since I have shared my dark side with you, now it’s your turn.  What diabolical schemes would you accomplish if you were rich?

-------

A post on a Wednesday?  My posting schedule is out of sync with the ongoing Blog tour, so updates will come as an when.  Speaking of which, my eBook is still available (UK and US versions available now).