Wednesday 8 January 2014

The Evils Of Money

They say that money makes the world go round.  That’s an odd statement considering that scientific theory dictates that gravity actually makes the world go round, and that little slips of paper have virtually no effect on the planet’s centrifugal force.  However, a lot of people strongly believe that money is the cause, and by accumulating more of it they’ll make the planet spin faster, meaning that they can go to sleep earlier I guess.

A lot of people also believe that money is the root of all evil.  This is a more believable statement since most of the identifiable evil people in the world also happen to be rich.  They usually require money in order to achieve their nefarious ambitions, and money can be used to buy a lot of evil devices and gadgets.  For example, the cost of a biological warfare facility is out of reach for most people living in council tenancies.

I’m not here to offer solutions to this.  In fact, I’m here to compound the problem further by describing my wildest evil fantasies.

Being a career megalomaniac, I often sit and contemplate the various methods I would use to achieve world domination, if only I had the appropriate funding.  The Bank Of Evil from Despicable Me doesn’t exist in reality (or if they do, they don’t respond to my letters), so I’ll have to settle for daydreaming about global destruction for now.  Anyway, here are my favourite methods for worldwide devastation:

The world's evil bank


Death Ray

The death ray is a classic weapon amongst supervillains.  In fact, you’re not truly evil until you’ve tried to build a planet-shattering laser of some description.  Most villains like to install their death rays on the moon for a clear shot, but I have a more devious method of construction.
By beginning assembly in Cuba, no one would suspect anything.  Cuba is a good nation that is certainly not on any US government watch lists, and is within easy firing distance of the planet’s chubbiest superpower.  Cuba also produces cigars by the bucketload.  By using discarded cigar tubes, a death ray of suitable size can be built with subterfuge.  Any overhead spyplanes will just thing a giant cigar is being built, then BAM!  Laser to the face!  Thank you, goodnight!

Genetic Mutants

This is another staple of the villainous stable.  Any evil-doer worth his or her salt will splice together two ferocious animals to create a hideous hybrid army.  How about a murderous pack of Dingo-Falcons?  What about some Spider-Octupi all up in your grill?  Or, worst of all, how about the combined anger of a Hippo-Honey Badger?

Geologically Impossible Structures

An evil villain needs a place to hide away from the law.  That places needs to be somewhere remote and unsafe (how else are those grunts going to needlessly die?).  That’s why bad guys can be found in hollowed out volcanoes, under the sea, or on a floating doom fortress.  My personal favourite however, is to create a base within Area 51.

Think about it for a second and it all makes sense.  Nobody in Area 51 ever questions anyone else.  Everything is on a need to know basis and no one really knows anyone or anything for the sake of security.  You can go about your business without question.  Plus, all that sweet alien technology will certainly improve the propulsion systems on your orbital destruction cannon.

Since I have shared my dark side with you, now it’s your turn.  What diabolical schemes would you accomplish if you were rich?

-------

A post on a Wednesday?  My posting schedule is out of sync with the ongoing Blog tour, so updates will come as an when.  Speaking of which, my eBook is still available (UK and US versions available now).

12 comments:

  1. I have always planned on going with a genetic mutant death ray. Where you cross a dangerous animal and a death ray. Like a grizzly bear-ray. Or a raccoon-ray. Or a sting ray-ray.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like the idea of a sting ray-ray. If Steve Irwin had been killed by one of them, it would have been a more fitting end.

      Delete
  2. My plan would consist of capturing every hero in the world. I'd then tie them in chairs using rope, despite having more advanced and durable materials to bind them with. Finally, I would let them silently devise an escape plan while I pointlessly lecture them about their failures for a few hours. Once they've inevitably escaped from their confines, I'll blow up the Earth. Shattering every hope and dream they've ever had, as well as shattering their bodies, too. What would happen to me, you ask? I'd already be on an interstellar spaceship that I built with all my money, heading for a new life amidst the stars.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good plan, but don't all villains intend to kill the hero in that same window between their extended monologue and the heros escape? It's a narrow opportunity that never seems to quite pay off.

      Delete
  3. I have been studying this in great length (about ten minutes, but still y'know....) and have come to some startling conclusions!
    1st - ETHNICITY - In order to take over the world you must either a) Eastern European or b)American. No other nationality will be taken seriously.
    2nd - PETS. You need either a mangy moggie or some kind gentic mutant that has stolen your heart in a brief moment of humanity.
    3rd - MUSIC - If you want any chance of taking over the world it seems the mordern day super villain HAS to be a pop star of some kind. Justine Bleeder and Susan Boils spring to mind. Those two are the most evil malevolent mutha's I have ever seen. There is something so unholy about their desperate need to conquer our ears and hearts it's enough to make me spit.

    Justine Bleeder has recently lost his monkey in a German airport (not the euphemism we all wish it were) and has now announced his retirement from "music". What's a massive pri.. young man to do with all those millions of tweenager twitter followers BUT turn them into a pre-pubescent army of mass killers..... Mark my words our days are numbered.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, I completely forgot about an evil pet. I would go and liberate Justin's monkey from Germany and have him as my evil pet. Even with the near constant scouldings and stroking him with a razor-sharp iron gaunlet, I imagine I'd still be able to take of him better than Beiber.

      Delete
  4. A hippo honey badger would be terrifying, but what if we crossed a honey badger and an ant... to get a really fucking angry, furry ant creature. It'd be the end of us all. Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd like to cross an ant with an anteater. That would make for quite an entertaining evening.

      Delete
  5. If I were an evil supervillain I would of course have to buy a strip club where I would always hang out with my seedy gangster cohorts, because it seems that even evil masterminds like to plan world domination with some boobs in their face. And my plan would be to destroy the entire earth, with no thought process going toward where I would be after all this, how I would feed myself, what I would do to preoccupy my time, etc (if I even survived).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the spirit! Kill everyone without any regard for yourself. It's that kind of selflessness that makes people into saints.

      Delete
  6. I would take over the World, of course!

    Unfortunately, I'm afraid my supervillian self will be too much like my actual self, and I'll be really amped up about world domination for, like, 15 minutes and then I'll remember that Netflix is a thing and pretty much call it a day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point. If everyone is dead, who will update Netflix with high quality, new entertainment at an affordable price?

      Delete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.