Monday, 20 January 2014

An Ode To Engelbert

We Bloggers are a tribal lot.  We tend to pick a circle of Blogs that we like to read, and we will stick to them furiously through thick and thin, richer or poorer, sexual benefits or no sexual benefits.  So, I found myself rather saddened when my good friend Pickleope became the target of  hate campaign over his post about Burt Bacharach.  I couldn't stand to see any man or briney vegetable be tortured so vociferously over his poetry, especially when it is as artistic as Pickleope's.

As a show of solidarity, I will stand by my Blogging brother, and even try to further this niche genre that he is forging.  I have created a post about another oddly named singer, Engelbert Humperdinck.  Please enjoy:



Engelbert Humperdinck caused a big stink on the day he performed at his local ice rink.  He performed a lip sync to an N Sync hit, but was booed off the stage when the song reached its brink.

But this wasn’t the worst thing that Humperdinck did. Backstage he went to wash his hands in the sink, but the soap was pink and it squirted out quick.  He got pink sink soap all over his mink coat, so he went to the rink manager and called him a scrote.

“Who will pay to dry clean my mink? I think a hot wash might cause it to shrink, and I don’t want to wear a pygmy pink mink!”

The manager of the rink smirked at the pink mink.  He wasn’t impressed by Humperdinck’s stink, so with a knowing wink, he informed the star that he could end up in the clink, if he called the police.

Humperdinck, taking a sip of his drink (and a supplement pill full of Humperdinck’s zinc), had a quick think about his pink mink. He could link the rink to the mess of the mink, but he couldn’t replace what had now been dyed pink.  If he added some some ink he could perhaps make it purplish pink, but that might further ruin the soft slinky mink.  If only there was a Mink Repair Inc.

Rather than stomp around like a missing link, Humperdinck went home to his piano to plink.  As he plinked out an N Sync ditty with a whiskey on hand, he let the drink sink into his pituitary gland.  Being as drunk as a skink, he couldn’t rightly think, and sunk all of his funds into a show called Batfink.


With Humperdinck still in an alcohol-fuelled stink, he hired an escort from Sleazy Dee’s Kink.  A kinky young lady turned up at the door, and she found herself humping a Humperdinck dick. Once The Hump was satiated, miss Kink went to wash off, which she did by straddling Humperdinck’s sink.  She glanced round the bathroom, but there was no towel, so she dried herself off on a coat of pink mink.  Humperdinck screamed when he saw his pink mink being shoved up the chuff of this lady of kink.  The Dinck’s first instinct was to make her extinct, but instead he rang the precinct to collect this daft bint.

The police came by with an enquiring eye, and said “Hey, aren’t you that guy who was down by the rink and who kicked up a stink?  Let’s get him boys; I think that we’ve got this case linked”.

Humperdinck glanced around with no time to think, and picked up a statue of a rather nice sphinx.  Then with a distinct thud to the head, the cop and his colleagues promptly fell down dead.

In thrall to a hooker and dead cops with crocked domes, he dreaded the time when his wife arrived home. But worse than the wrath of the lovely Miss ‘Dinck, he bemoaned the loss of his wonderful mink.  Now it was covered in pink, ink, and fanny juice, The Hump couldn’t look at that sorry excuse.  He lifted a gun barrel to his temple, but hesitated as his lip started to tremble.  And this is the story of how Humperdinck, came to take his own life for a coat made of mink.

Pickleope, I'm here for you brother! I definitely haven't exploited this as an excuse to copy your post, this is a stand of solidarity.  Band of Bloggers!  So come on, trolls! Give me your best shot!

(P.S. If anyone would like me to record a reading of this, let me know)

18 comments:

  1. That was pretty damn awesome A fine show of solidarity too there brother. I've never had trolls on my back, but it's nice to know other people would have my back in a crisis. Hopefully it won't end in dead cops and ruined coats.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I know that you'd post a bunch of stupid rhymes if I were ever in trouble. That's just the kind of bond us Bloggers have.

      Delete
  2. Chiz thinks you are a whiz when it comes chronicling the biz on his, it 'tis... quiz... fizz... Alright, I'll leave this stuff to the professionals.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't think of many things that rhyme with Chiz. The main one I can think of is Jizz.

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  3. Hilarious. Thank you...You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

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    1. I hope they're coming to tell me what a good job I've done.

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  4. Oh Pickleope, what have you started? And yet still I loved every word of this. So... who wants to tackle Benedict Cumberbatch next?

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    1. I would volunteer as tribute, except I haven't got a single rhyming bone in my body. :P

      Still: BLOGGERS UNITE!

      -Barb

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    2. The nearest rhyme I can come up with is "Benedict Chundersplash", which wouldn't be a pleasant Blog post.

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  5. Bravo sir. Bloody Bravo. You should write a book or sumfink!

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    Replies
    1. Nah, can't be arsed with all that.

      Delete
  6. You and Pickleope are making Dr. Seuss look like a talentless moron.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am essentially trying to discredit all writers by outperforming them in their particular fields. My dog is already attempting to write a better book than Dan Brown.

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  7. Hello Mr Addman I am doing the rounds on the quick tonight and dont have time to read the entire post but got as far as the name Engelbert Humperdinck . . . . . enough said. I will never watch the Eurovision song contest again, it took years to get over Cliff and the powers that be think that everyone will vote for Engelbert.

    I will be back to read the small print very soon

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, his Eurovision stint was particularly awful. But then again, most Eurovision entries are.

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    2. I know . . . . . . Great isn't it . . . . . .HAH AHHAH HA HAH AH HA HHAH HA Hha ha ha ha ha ha ha h

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  8. after this, you should do one about Tiny Tim

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    Replies
    1. Tiny Tim is a bit dim, he forgot to eat any food and turned slim.

      Can't say I'm feeling it to be honest :)

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