What Is Sleep?

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it.  They all live in a homeless man’s beard.  Another trait they also share is the fact they occasionally go to sleep.

But what is sleep? The Oxford English Dictionary defines sleep as “The act of lying horizontally while tripping balls without narcotics”.  This act involves losing consciousness for prolonged periods of times, then waking up with no recollection of the previous few hours. This is rather reminiscent of the effects of alcohol.  However, most people experience this prone state of helplessness at least once per day, with or without an intact liquor cabinet.

So the real, more pertinent question is “why do we sleep?”  Frankly, you’re an idiot for not asking that in the first place.

Given our expanding calorie intakes, surely we don’t sleep in order to recharge or store energy.  We shovel enough into our gaping maws to ensure that we have an excess of reserves to burn off, especially with our increasingly sedentary lifestyles.  When your work involves ensuring that the office paperclips are categorised by colour and size, you’re not really burning off all that extra energy.  In a hunter gatherer society, you can forgive a little tiredness if your average day involves slaying a furry elephant and avoiding rampant ebola.  But in the era of mobility scooters, this is unforgivable.

We cannot attribute sleep to seasonal change either.  Since we can build central heating systems within the Arctic Circle, we keep ourselves warm enough and well fed enough to survive even the harshest winter.  Our ancestors may have needed to hibernate, but not us.  Even as recent as a few decades ago, our grandparents used to hoard food supplies, bracken and twine, then settle down in their nest boxes to sleep the winter away.  The added benefit of this was that we didn’t have to buy them Christmas presents.

So why on Earth do our bodies go into standby for seven hours a day?  That’s time I could be spending catching up on Game Of Thrones, or staring idly at my Smartphone waiting for a retweet.  The only benefit I can see to getting a healthy night’s sleep is to have some cool dreams.



Dreams come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Big, small, dry and wet, it seems that our brains make us tired in order to enter the dream state.  Leading psychologists believe that dreams are an instrumental part of our cognitive development, and that dreams allow us to make sense of the things we’ve learned throughout the day.  Dreams help us piece together the disparate pieces of information we receive and put them into a cohesive order.  That’s why I had a dream where I was a dragon.

In fact, I do have a recurring dream where I am driving a bus.  People I know such as friends and family keep getting on the bus and asking me to take them places.  As I drive around I get more and more confused by the different destinations that I start swerving around, knocking over street signs like a muddled version of Grand Theft Auto, until I eventually just crash the bus into a wall.

If dreams actually mean anything, then why are their messages so vague?  If there is something to be learned from our subconscious and our brains were so desperate to tell us something, why doesn’t the thought just pop into your head in plain English while you’re still awake?  Dreams are often forgotten shortly after waking, so it doesn’t seem like the most efficient message delivery system.  It’s like trying to tell someone their house is on fire by throwing the message through the blaze in the form of a paper airplane.  Why not phone them?

The worst, most unpleasant sensations in life come from that place between being sleep and awake.  Do you ever have that moment where, just as you’re about to drift off into a lovely slumberous snooze, you suddenly feel like you’re falling?  I sleep on my front, so when I try and move my arms to steady myself and my arms don’t move, it feels especially jarring. Perhaps its nature’s way of putting us down a peg or two for evolving higher brain functions.

So it seems that sleep is important but we don’t fully know why.  We should just accept that sleep is subject to a higher power beyond our understanding.  That way, we cannot possibly be held accountable if we sleep in.  Missing work completely due to sleeping all day is either an act of human nature, or an act of God.  How can you possibly fire me for this?!  You’ll be hearing from my union!

Your Dreams - Analysed

Dreams are a wonderful thing which people from all walks of life can share.  It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, black or white, chaste or a sexual deviant, we all have dreams.  Well, except for those insomniacs.  Frankly, I don't trust 'em.

Anyway, while we all dream on a regular basis, we don't tend to realise that our dreams are actually manifestations of our subconcious, and they can tell us plenty about our own psychological make-up.  That's why Dream Interpretors are becoming big business.  The more dreams are had, the more people want to know what they mean.  After a crash course in dream interpreting (I dreamed the whole course), I feel suitably prepared to give people a firm imaginary diagnosis.  Call me Dr. Strangedreams, but not on any postal cheques you care to send me.  Call me Margret Montague on those.

Gemma Driveway – Toe Polisher

Dear Addman,

I had a dream that I was being chased by a crocodile.  What the fuck?

Dear Gemma,

Crocodiles are ferocious animals that will clamp down on your arm with a legion of razor sharp teeth, and death roll you into the drink.  However, a dream crocodile is usually a representation of a person that we know in real life.  Most people will dream of a person they know who turns into a crocodile, like some kind of were-croc.  The croc in your dream most likely represents someone in your daily life who terrifies you on some level.  Perhaps it is a rather imposing boss or work colleague.  Maybe you feel intimidated by the actions of a friend.  Or perhaps you're just really scared of crocodiles. 

Either way, these dreams are going to get more and more intense.  I've observed many people who have been driven insane by crocodiles in their dreams.  To avoid this situation, you need to stop falling asleep right away.  Irreprable damage to your psyche may occur if you so much as go for another snooze.  If you're having trouble staying awake, I recommend Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).

Alaister Drew – Shelf Mopper

Dear Addman,

Last week I had a vivid dream that my wife left.  I woke up and I was so convinced she'd gone, that I went straight down to the registry office and filed for divorce, just to teach the smug bitch a lesson.  When I got home and found her still asleep in bed, I realised I'd made a terrible mistake.  How can I convince the courts about my dream and stop the divorce being finalised?

Dear Alaister,

We dream of relationship problems when we are having relationship problems.  Simple as that.  Plus, you seemed quite eager to get that divorce, so I suspect there's more than a little trouble in chinatown island.  I can't fix your marital issues, but I can guess that your wife is going to murder you as you sleep.  As such, you need to stay awake by drinking Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).  This luxorious coffee will pep you up enough to avoid any thrown knives or mustard gas released by your enraged missus.

Barry Shogun – Jolly Good Fellow

Dear Addman,

The other day I had a really weird dream that I was excavating ancient ruins with Ringo Starr.  He still had his shades on, despite the fact that we were working by torchlight.  Eventually, we uncovered a stone tablet with directions to El Dorado.  What on earth does this mean?

 

Dear Barry,

A man who dreams of Ringo Starr is a man without imagination.  There were three other Beatles that were infinitely more interesting to choose from.  And El Dorito?  While it sounds tasty, I imagine it's a dull-as-dishwater backwards town in Mexico where the main tourist attraction is an overflowing slop bucket with the face of Jesus in it.  And archaeology is boring unless Indiana Jones is involved.  I'm almost falling asleep just listening to this.  To stop your friends falling asleep around a bland, insipid individual such as yourself, I recommend you make them some aromatic Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).

Stuart Pourer – Outhouse Renovator

Dear Addman,

I dreamed a dream of times gone by.  Am I gay?

Dear Stuart,

Yes.  As a newly qualified homosexual, you should drink Nescafe Gold Blend, the official sponsor of manlove.
 

Nicole Papa – Dole Recipient

Dear Addman,

I had a terrible dream that Jeremy Kyle had been cancelled. I woke up in a cold sweat and switched on ITV, but luckily it was still on.  It was the American version where a woman was trying to get a guy to confess to being her "babydaddy".  Then Jeremy got all up in someone's face and shouted at them, making them feel 2 inches tall and compounding their self esteem issues.  It was a classic episode.

Dear Nicole,

I'm not sure if you want some analysis, or just wanted someone to gossip with about this chat show.  I'll give you some analysis anyway, but I suggest you get some friends to alleviate that lonliness.

Anyway, a dream that we have lost something or someone dear is an emotional response to an overwhelming desire.  Your brain is fighting against the obsession, and is doing so the most frightening manner possible.  You need to evaluate just how much time you spend watching the show, and consider the fact that you may be addicted.  Try and limit your exposure to Jeremy Kyle, or replace it with a caffine addiction, courtesy of Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).

Brian Herbie-White – Champagne Campaigner

Dear Addman,

I keep getting this one weird dream where I'm falling.  I fall and fall and fall, but there doesn't seem to be a bottom.  I'm just falling through an infinite chasm.  Eventually, I start to get bored and play with a yoyo.  What on Earth does that mean?

Dear Brian,

We experience falling dreams when we are nervous of failure.  Do you have an important deadline for something?  This is usually caused by the fear of not meeting a particularly stressful target.  If you have a large workload on, you'll need to take it all home and blast through it in one evening.  To make sure you stay awake during this all-nighter, I'd recommend a lovely steaming mug of Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).

Alison Packard – Bean Flicker

Dear Addman,

I'm a busy, high-poerwed career woman who juggles a full-time job and two children.  Frankly, I don't have the time to dream about anything.  I power nap for 30 minutes a day and I don't want to have a restless sleep of thoughts and unnecessary stuff.  How can I stop dreaming?

Dear Alison,

You cannot stop dreams.  Dreams are an important part of your psychological development.  A scientific study recently concluded that, with the amount of energy we consume through food and water, humans don't actually need to sleep in modern society.  We don't need to conserve our energy as we get more than enough through our food.  Thus, the only reason we sleep is to dream.  Our brain works out complex problems and reflects on the events of the day, meaning that you get more mental stimulation from sleep than from a lecture.  So, if you ever fall asleep in class, you can tell the teacher that you are nurturing your mental development.

You know what else aids your mental development?  Coffee!  Specifically Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).

Marissa Duracell – Unconvincing Spy

Dear Addman,

I often dream that I have coathangers for hands, purple hair, and a pet armadillo named Mark Crisp who has dandelions growing from a protrusion on his neck.  We often go around fighting crime.  What do you make of that, Mr Smartypants dream guy!?



Dear Marissa,

I think you need to drink more Nescafe Gold Blend (tm)!

 

Thanks everyone for your incredibly shit questions.  Now...if you'll....excuse me....I've been awake for 6 days solid...TIME FOR A COFFEE!

P.S. The podcast is taking a short mid-season break today, but will return shortly.

The British Dream

We all know about the American dream. It's what the whole country was founded on and is often referred to in movies, TV shows, books, smoke signals, and carrier pigeons. The American Dream entitles all Americans to own their own property, live off the fat of the land, stroke soft things, and shoot your mentally handicapped friend when he becomes a burden (or so I've read).

But do other countries have dreams too? If they do, they don't seem to talk about them very much. Maybe they're special night time dreams that cause you to dampen your special areas. I imagine that the Australian dream is to survive a pissed boxing match with a kangaroo, whereas the Japanese dream is to build a lifelike android with sentient thoughts and emotions, then rape it 'til it breaks.  Offensively misguided stereotypes aside, no other country claims to have a national dream.

An artist's rendition of the American Dream

If the British had a dream, what would it consist of? I'm British and I once dreamt that I was Jackie Chan's unlikely stunt double, but I doubt I'm representative of a national trend.

I believe that the real British dream is to own your own pub. Or at least, that's the male British dream. The female British dream is probably some unholy hybrid of Princess And The Frog and 50 Shades Of Grey, but I'm no female head doctor.


For all you British men reading this (I know some of you are, don't be shy, this is therapy dammit!) I defy you to claim that this is false. At some point, I'm sure you've imagined what it would be like to run your own pub. We've all fancied it, if only for the misguided illusion that we can drink beer all day long and get money for it.

I took this outside my favourite pub at the moment, The Rutland Arms.  They always put out a funny sign.

Back before the banking sector was devastated by Moneygeddon in 2008, there were tons of pubs around. There was at least 1 pub for every 5 people in the country. It was a simpler time where the smell of stale ale was an appropriate indoor fragrance. Now, most pubs have shut down, leaving British livers feeling healthier, but slightly redundant.

But this won't do much to dampen the dreams of men.  I've already decided on my pub's name.  Are you ready?  Here it comes:

The Cock And Bulls

That's right.  And it will have a picture outside of two bulls side by side with a cockerel balanced on their backs.  It will be the flagship in my chain of Pun Pubs.  Other pubs will include The Queen's Legs (so you would wait for The Queen's Legs to open to have a drink), and The Bear Arms (in which the locals will shoot at you if you enter).  They'd serve almost anything from the Wychwood Brewery.  When we finally open, I'll invite you all for a pint*.  Cheers!

*The pint will be priced at normal rates.

---------------

By the way, I won an award from the manly folks over at Dude Write!

Thanks to Dude Write and Youngman Brown!  Seriously, go and check them out for some great material written by great dudes.  And the best bit of this award is that I don't need to answer any questions!  Muahahahaha!

I Think I Need Help...

Heldago?

As promised, here's an update about the strange dreams I have when half asleep. For those of you that read my last article, you'll already know that before I wake up fully in the morning, I set my alarm to snooze, then begin to drift off to sleep again. When my alarm wakes me up for a second time, I haven't had the chance to go into a deep sleep, and can usually remember my dreams. For those that didn't read my last post, then go back and read it! Don't expect a summary from me!

Anyway, earlier this week, I dreamt that I had acquired a pet lizard. I didn't buy him, or even swap anything for him, but he simply appeared (complete with tank and everything he needed) atop my bookcase and made himself comfortable.

The moment I saw his scaley little hide I had already fallen for his repitllian charms. I named him Heldago (I wish I knew...), and I grew to care for him like a first born son. I'd try and teach him to jump through hoops, but he'd merely stand there, blissfully unaware of my attempts to bond with him. He had a box of crickets for food, and I would gleefully feed the crickets because I knew Heldago would get to sample the fruits of my labours by lunchtime. I'd introduce him to my friends and family, but Heldago turned his nose up at these newcomers, I was guttered that he did not like my family.

Later that day, I arrived home after a quick trip to the pet store, with a new bag of crickets (A bag of crickets? Would they not suffocate?) in hand. As I opened the door, and I almost dropped the bag in shock. In the time it took me to go to and from the pet shop, Heldago had somehow become a celebrity. Due to his overwhelming popularity, Heldago had decided to don a top hat and a monacle in some far flung attempt to flaunt his high society status. His fame was reknowned throughout the land, and a small gathering of scantily clad groupies had secured entry to my house so they could crowd around Hunky Heldago. One woman rubbed him under the chin as he glanced at me, then turned away, shunning me in favour of his gaggle of hens.

I was crushed. I could only stand there with a tear in my eye as he left the house on his solid gold Segway. I guess I loved him more than he could ever love me...


Joke Of The Day

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

The First Post, She Is Mine!

OMG HAY GUYS!

Hello, and welcome to Muppets For Justice. For those of you wondering about the title of this blog, please don't ask, it makes less sense to me than it does to you. Something about it just seemed appropriate.

I'll start by introducing myself, I'm Addman, a 20 year old male living in the United Kingdom. When I'm not dodging random knife fights and happy slappers I work as an IT Technician at an Architects firm. The work's fairly interesting at times and I'm getting a lot of decent training so far. Anyway, I'm sure more about my life will become apparent during the course of blog, but for now, it's on with the show!

The Dread Zone

I'm the sort of person who loves his sleep. For work I have to get up earlier than I ever have before in my previous experience. In fact, up until about three years ago, I always thought that 7 AM was a myth told by adults to scare their children about growing up. A time where the living literally drag their weary carcasses out from the warming comfort of their bedsheets, and into the grim, unforgiving existance known as "Morning". This Morning is usually harsh upon those who are not Students or Benefit Cheats, a time where stumbling around half blind whilst trying to find an item of clothing to ward off the cold is particulary common. As such, I now refer to any time which falls in the AM as "The Dread Zone". Fortunately, my friends, I have come up with a way to combat this Dread Zone menace that plagues our society. Set your alarm even earlier!

"But Addman, you must be crazy!" I hear you cry, but if you'd just shut up for one damn second, I'll explain myself. Set your alarm ten or fifteen minutes earlier than you actually have to get up, then, when it finally goes off, set it to Snooze for the time that you would usually awaken. This way you get ten or fifteen minutes extra to do all those essential morning things, such as wake up. Once you finally get up, you'll be at least three times more alert, and you'll be able to leap straight into your clothes without putting two limbs into each hole (it's possible, believe me).

Of course, the drawback of this is that falling back to sleep is a possibility, but even if you do, I find it's a magical period of the morning where you are only semi-asleep, and as such, you can remember your dreams in vivid detail. I have a few dreams from that extra quarter of an hour, but I'll save them for a future update.