I've been thinking a lot about cultivation lately. Mainly, if it's possible to cultivate tomato plants, is it also possible to cultivate bum fluff? I mean, both grow from fertiliser and seem to be in abundance. I've been up all night thinking about it, wondering about the financial rewards of bumfluff cultivation, and the possibilities it may hold.
Maybe it's just that I haven't slept properly last night and my mind is floating somewhere between dreamspace and reality, but has anyone noticed a distinct lack of eye floaters lately?
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| Eye floaters |
You know if you rub your eyes, sometimes you see a slightly transparent object in the corner of your eye that drifts around for a few seconds? It must be at least a year since I last saw one. Or at least remembered that I saw one. They used to come in different shapes. There was a long one that had two segments that I called Gregory, then there was a round fat one that I called Tuba. Sometimes, if you were really lucky, a slightly curvy one would appear called Beth.
Where have they gone? My theory is that Flying Rods have been eating them. Unless they just got bored and moved out of my eye. However, with the prime real estate that is my eye socket on the market, you'd expect another floater family to move in pretty sharpish. They never even said goodbye. I would have thrown them a leaving party too.
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| Flying Rod |
Speaking of parties, I have recently been informed of several legendary parties that I have missed. Apparently, there was an S Club party that slipped me by a little while back, and I'm told that there ain't no party like an S Club party. I also didn't see the Venga bus when that swung by. It's a shame because I've always wanted to attend an inter-city disco, ever since I was thrown off the 8:40 to Ipswitch for trying to start an impromtu rave. I tell you, those early commuters don't like thumping bass, especially when you press the emergency stop when MC Hammer comes on.
In fact, did MC Hammer have any brothers or sisters? I could do with a DJ Wrench and MC Screwdriver to fix a leaky fawcet. Is that how you spell fawcet? I just call them taps. I don't know what's real anymore.
The only rational thing in my life these days is my collection of talking cucumbers. As the world slides further and further towards madness the one thing that keeps my sanity intact is an evening cataloguing my caterwaling cucumbers. Mrs Addman accidentally chopped one up for a fresh salad, which made me sad and also a little fearful for my manhood. It's not my fault that cucumbers remind me of male genitalia! You can blame Freud for that one.
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| Oh the humanity! |
Speaking of male genitalia, I have some of my own that I simply have to tend to. The amount of pube pruning I have to do should qualify me for a landscape gardening gig, but I never seem to get a second interview, even when I show them my handiwork. Anyway, tally bye!
Thanks for wasting several minutes of your life reading this. There are no refunds on this item.
WHAT!?! Cucumbers remind you of what!?! As a person who chose a brined cucumber as an avatar, I, sir, am shocked. Oh, wait, I wrote a whole post about making Pickleope branded sex toys. Shock retracted.
ReplyDeleteWell, you have a small wine glass and a bow tie on your avatar, so that would make you classy genitalia, like James Bond's penis.
ReplyDeleteWell...that was extremely enlightening...lol! Classy genitalia coming through....hahaha...too funny! and thanks :)
ReplyDeleteI think there's a lesson to be learned from this. Be careful what you wish for.
DeleteNow that you mention it, I haven't seen any floaters in quite some time, too. Huh?! The big one in my right eye has gone missing! Wait, he left a note:
ReplyDelete"Dear Chiz,
It's become obvious that you steadily began disregarding my very existance. Remember those times that you would attempt to follow me while I retreated from your longing gaze? You've changed, and I wish I could say for the better. But, no, you spend all your free time giggling at funny pictures on the internet and donning sunglasses to creepily glare at passerbys. I'm sorry to say this, but I'm leaving you.
Forever Love, Squig"
No... What have I done?
Oh, but yeah, I think cucumbers look like dicks, too.
At least your had the courtesy to leave a note. Mine broke a coffee table, and the staining on the walls suggests they've been smoking! Luckily, as landlord I get to keep their deposit.
DeleteThat was...out there. I am incredibly impressed by your seeming levels of insanity. I don't think you can really stand to gain financially from cultivating bumfluff though. You can, however, profit by selling your trimmed pubic hair to barbers or pet stores to make wigs.
ReplyDeleteOr pet wigs.
Perhaps wigs could be made out of bumfluff as a cheaper alternative to pubic hair.
DeleteIn regards to each and every paragraph of your post I say this: WASH YOUR HANDS YOU MUCKY PUP! hhahahahahaha
ReplyDeleteSound advice. They're covered in Venga juice right now.
DeleteAhaha, the cucumber bit was hilarious. To be fair, there are a lot of things that look like penises. It's one of nature's great shapes. Do you know that there is this entire area in Turkey (Goreme) where the rocks are all shaped EXACTLY like penises? It's hilarious, here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sultan/159837946/
ReplyDeleteAnd I love stream of consciousness writing, I used to write some surreal short stories like that before. But it's rare for me to get in the mood to write like that anymore. It usually only happens when I am extremely sleep deprived.
God, I doubt I could write an entire story like that. I was quite burned out after these meager few paragraphs. You must have a special kind of insanity.
DeleteAs a fellow blogger with a way with words that means you can head off on tangents that folk might not see coming, a bit like the bus. I remember the saying or saying that always end with . . . . Anyway you might be run over by a bus . . . which would imply not seeing the bus. I know you are not interested but I have seen a bus it was red or was it green.
ReplyDeleteI hate cucumbers they taste horrible (enough said I think) and I think I might have Beth in my left eye, she has been there ever since I got Blackpool Rock and eye candy confused, but really folk should make stuff a bit clearer when they are telling me things.
Oooo yes our tomatoes are growing well in the greenhouse but as someone once said it could be worse they could be run over by a bus. . . If they are red tomatoes in a greenhouse then what colour would the bus be?
Well done Mr Addman rambled like a professional I nod my head and tap the brine of my hat in a cool way like a fellow rambler (not the ones who walk about in fields)
You are probably the king of rambling. I never met anyone who can ramble like you. If there was an award for rambling, you would probably spend three days on your acceptance speech. That's not a bad thing.
DeleteShould I be alarmed that all my eye floaters are shaped like cucumber slices?
ReplyDeleteI think your eye floaters have been subjected to a gangland killing. They've left the slices as a warning to other eye floaters.
DeleteI believe you only spell Fawcet(t) if it has Farrah in front of it. That was a person once, right? Anyway we try to avoid using the word tap around here because of all the homophobes. Think I misspelled that but I'm getting real paranoid about what words I google after your last post and shit, I think there are proly some homophobes in high places, if you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I would have joined your site but I had to leave Google+ because, aww crap, long story. Anyway, I'll be following ya.
DeleteReally? I don't have Google +, but don't see why you'd have to leave it to become a follower. At least we have Favourites though! I update Monday and Friday every week, if that helps you keep track.
DeleteAlso, you spelled homophobe correctly. The government would probably be pleased if you googled it because they might think you're interested in becoming one.
Yep Addman, the Monday and Friday update is good to know because I keep a text file of sites I like and follow. I'll just add a note.
DeleteThat idea you had about the gov't and the homophobes has got me to thinking about all the uses the gov't could use that data for if they are so inclined. shit, shit, shit.
I suddenly feel like having a cucumber salad.
ReplyDeleteDamn, I knew I should have set up a cucumber e-shop.
DeleteMy cucumbers are forever ruined...
ReplyDeleteI can't say that doesn't fill me with childish glee. :)
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