Friday, 21 June 2013

Way Out West

Here at Muppets For Justice, we don’t tend to go in for fluff pieces about celebrities.  As such, I would never publish a post dedicated to slagging off famous folk. But, even though I have had my back firmly turned away from Tinseltown for some time now, occasional news titbits reach me like ocean ripples, lapping at my nipples, begging me to pay attention.

It turns out that the grand Messiah of, not just Hip Hop, but everything, is to have a baby.  This man is like the Steve Jobs of rap and fashion (his words, not mine).  He fights criminal injustice at music video awards shows, and psychically determines presidential racism.  That’s right, Kanye “Yeezus” West has deemed us worthy to receive his seed.

Kanye, saving us all from promoting bad music videos.


Well, not all of us per se.  The “Virgin Mary” of this modern parable is none other than Kim Kardashian.  Kim is famous for a lot of things, but now that she is giving birth to the Second Coming, her profile is sure to increase.  Her star will shine so brightly that shepherds will traverse the globe in order to anoint her with myrrh.

For those are sick to death of hearing about Prince William and Kate’s baby, the news of this new Kanyashian hybrid is welcome.  Not only will the gossip mags have glorious pictures of the baby crowning its way into our realm of existence, but we can all start speculating on what they are going to call our new saviour.  There are several names that I am rooting for, and I intend to find Kanye’s PR company and send them my list of suggestions.  Although I have split my list down into boys and girls names, there is an outside chance that baby, being born of such self-aggrandising calibre, might eschew the societal restraints imposed by gender and thus be known as “the entity”.  Otherwise, we can assume Lord or Lady West will have a name befitting its family bloodline.  A name starting with a K might be a good start.  Looking at Kim’s existing relations such as Khloe and Kourtney, the letter K is something of a family coat of arms, or a clan tartan.  Anyway, here are my suggestions:

Boy

Khrist
Kanyon
Kriss Kross
Go
Kombat
South
Kermit
Fred

Girl

Khristina
Konker
Wild
Kreme
Krest
Rose

If any of these names are picked (especially Fred West) I will be immensely pleased.  I’d thank God, but I don’t think Kanye has the time to receive my thanks.  He’s too busy listening to everyone’s prayers and trying to cure their ailments.  As the great one himself once said “No one man can have all that power”.

17 comments:

  1. Y'know, I wouldn't be all that surprised if they did take video of the baby "crowning its way into existence" and sold it to the highest bidder. While I think your baby names are great, I also think you're assuming the baby's last name will be West. Is that even his real last name? Regardless, whatever name can't be weirder than "Blue Ivy".

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  2. It WILL be West! All of this is incredibly real and serious, and there's nothing you can say to change my mind!

    I didn't know Jay Z and Beyonce's kid was called Blue Ivy. I wonder who's surname the baby has? Blue Ivy Knowles, or Blue Ivy Z.

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  3. Oh please, please let it be Fred West. I heard someone say it might actually be Kimye, the really stupid thing stupid people call this stupid couple. I think I could take something like that too. This is a child who easily has the potential to have it's life ruined before it's even born. Given how much of an egotist Kanye is (I actually don't know anything about the guy so I'm just assuming) I wouldn't be surprised if it was just The Entity. I think the true question here is what will they call their second child?

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  4. Their second child will be called "The Second Coming". It'll also be the second time Kanye has deemed a mortal worthy to accept his seed.

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  5. I think it should be called GOLDFISH whether it is a boy or a girl because when it is born it parents will look into its eyes and say

    One day you will play the Hollywood Bowl . . . . . .HAH HAHAHH HAH HAH HAH AH HAH HHAHAHHAH HA HAH HAHAH HA HAH AH HAH AH HA HAH AH HAH AH AH HAH AH HAH AH HA HAH AH HAH AH AH HAHA HAHAHh ahhahhah

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    1. Yes I know it has to learn its scales first . . . . . .HAH HAHAHH HAHAH HAHH HAH HAHH AH HAH AH HHAH AH HAH HAH AH HAH AH HAH AH HAH HA HAHAHAHH HAH HAHAHA

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    2. Yes, and at meal times it would FLAKE out! Ahaha...oh that's useless. I'll let you do the puns from now on.

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    3. No one likes a battered Goldfish. . . . . . .

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  6. Oh god, such perfect timing! The baby WILL have West in it's name - it will be called "North West". Ahahaha, it was trending on Twitter all day today. I thought it was a joke, but it seems like they really are going to name a poor girl North West.

    Poor sod, it will be awful to have such megalomaniacs as parents.

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    1. Yes, I found out last night after I'd already posted the article. North is such a stupid name. It's obviously a boy's name.

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  8. North West

    And the dumb get motherfucking DUMBER.

    Help.

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    1. I just hope they cast her in a remake of North By North West.

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  9. I hate that they have said her name is North (youre right its a boys name!) and they will call her Nori for short...why not just call her Nori? Its a pet peeve of mine...oh, yes we are calling him Sebastion but Dave for short...I thought Apple was weird, Blue Ivy is just asking for trouble and North West is just dull.

    I guess we can predict another (god help us!) kid will be South?! ugh.

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    1. I think they blow everyone's minds and call their next child "East West". It doesn't exist on a compass! This is crazy times we're living in.

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  10. Damn, I'm reading this after the announcement of the child's name. You were close with South West, but unfortunately, the answer we were looking for was North. North West.

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    1. Damn! Is there a consolation prize?

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