Celebrity Gossip From Glaxxor The Space Lizard

Popular acting humanoid BRAD PITT was spotted purchasing goods and services in order to bring meaning to his brief existence. This columnist witnessed his transactions through a wall by detecting his heat signatures, so remain undetected as Brad purchased various electronic products at an exclusive store.  His intentions for the $5,000 iPod docking station remain baffling to this columnist, but is likely that he will add it to his nutri-chamber to provide entertainment during lengthy excursions across the galaxy.

Hot off the press, this columnist saw notable male JUSTIN BEIBER assault a small, subservient canine with his open palm. The assault was in response to excessive barking towards this columnist as I camouflaged into the bushes at Justin's LA nesting site. Justin failed to see the danger, even as he walked within spitting distance of my venom gland.

Renowned reproducers JAY Z and BEYONCE were sensed by this columnist as they boarded a flying  transport cylinder to a warmer climate. Judging from Beyonce's heat signature, she may well have a clutch of fertilized eggs inside her, and could be traveling to her original spawning grounds to lay those eggs on a beach.  Her homing instinct must be very strong. This columnist will monitor the situation and will try not to devour the tasty, nutritious yolks.

Speaking of celebrity couples, upright apes KIM KARDASHIAN and KANYE WEST were seen ensuring the survival of their offspring by shopping for infant clothes and furniture. They purchased nurturing apparatus and garments in the hopes that their youngling is not killed and eaten by a rival male. This columnist believes it is a foolish endeavour.

It's foolish to expend resources on protecting infants, when you can just spawn hundreds more

Preferred sexual mate of many humans, MILA KUNIS was observed engaging in heated conversation with an agent over a handheld communications device. Her vocal frequencies resembled the mating calls of my species. This columnist almost approached, but was afraid that she might bite my head off after sexual activity had ceased, in order to ensure she has enough energy to give birth. This would have rather affected the output of this column.

On the subject of copulation, two famous individuals ASHTON KUTCHER and RIHANNA are rumoured to have exchanged reproductive fluids. This mutual protein exchange will have likely been to the benefit of both parties, and frankly, this columnist doesn't understand the fuss.

Lastly, verbose alpha EMINEM was seen shooting wildly into the trees behind his house when he believed he saw this columnist shedding his outer layer of skin. During a brief moment when my camouflage wasn't working, the celebrity caught a glimpse of me and was inconsolable as I offered him part of a semi-digested cat as a gesture of goodwill. This columnist may need to lay low for a while.

Way Out West

Here at Muppets For Justice, we don’t tend to go in for fluff pieces about celebrities.  As such, I would never publish a post dedicated to slagging off famous folk. But, even though I have had my back firmly turned away from Tinseltown for some time now, occasional news titbits reach me like ocean ripples, lapping at my nipples, begging me to pay attention.

It turns out that the grand Messiah of, not just Hip Hop, but everything, is to have a baby.  This man is like the Steve Jobs of rap and fashion (his words, not mine).  He fights criminal injustice at music video awards shows, and psychically determines presidential racism.  That’s right, Kanye “Yeezus” West has deemed us worthy to receive his seed.

Kanye, saving us all from promoting bad music videos.

Well, not all of us per se.  The “Virgin Mary” of this modern parable is none other than Kim Kardashian.  Kim is famous for a lot of things, but now that she is giving birth to the Second Coming, her profile is sure to increase.  Her star will shine so brightly that shepherds will traverse the globe in order to anoint her with myrrh.

For those are sick to death of hearing about Prince William and Kate’s baby, the news of this new Kanyashian hybrid is welcome.  Not only will the gossip mags have glorious pictures of the baby crowning its way into our realm of existence, but we can all start speculating on what they are going to call our new saviour.  There are several names that I am rooting for, and I intend to find Kanye’s PR company and send them my list of suggestions.  Although I have split my list down into boys and girls names, there is an outside chance that baby, being born of such self-aggrandising calibre, might eschew the societal restraints imposed by gender and thus be known as “the entity”.  Otherwise, we can assume Lord or Lady West will have a name befitting its family bloodline.  A name starting with a K might be a good start.  Looking at Kim’s existing relations such as Khloe and Kourtney, the letter K is something of a family coat of arms, or a clan tartan.  Anyway, here are my suggestions:

Boy

Khrist
Kanyon
Kriss Kross
Go
Kombat
South
Kermit
Fred

Girl

Khristina
Konker
Wild
Kreme
Krest
Rose

If any of these names are picked (especially Fred West) I will be immensely pleased.  I’d thank God, but I don’t think Kanye has the time to receive my thanks.  He’s too busy listening to everyone’s prayers and trying to cure their ailments.  As the great one himself once said “No one man can have all that power”.