Hot off the press, this columnist saw notable male JUSTIN BEIBER assault a small, subservient canine with his open palm. The assault was in response to excessive barking towards this columnist as I camouflaged into the bushes at Justin's LA nesting site. Justin failed to see the danger, even as he walked within spitting distance of my venom gland.
Renowned reproducers JAY Z and BEYONCE were sensed by this columnist as they boarded a flying transport cylinder to a warmer climate. Judging from Beyonce's heat signature, she may well have a clutch of fertilized eggs inside her, and could be traveling to her original spawning grounds to lay those eggs on a beach. Her homing instinct must be very strong. This columnist will monitor the situation and will try not to devour the tasty, nutritious yolks.
Speaking of celebrity couples, upright apes KIM KARDASHIAN and KANYE WEST were seen ensuring the survival of their offspring by shopping for infant clothes and furniture. They purchased nurturing apparatus and garments in the hopes that their youngling is not killed and eaten by a rival male. This columnist believes it is a foolish endeavour.
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| It's foolish to expend resources on protecting infants, when you can just spawn hundreds more |
Preferred sexual mate of many humans, MILA KUNIS was observed engaging in heated conversation with an agent over a handheld communications device. Her vocal frequencies resembled the mating calls of my species. This columnist almost approached, but was afraid that she might bite my head off after sexual activity had ceased, in order to ensure she has enough energy to give birth. This would have rather affected the output of this column.
On the subject of copulation, two famous individuals ASHTON KUTCHER and RIHANNA are rumoured to have exchanged reproductive fluids. This mutual protein exchange will have likely been to the benefit of both parties, and frankly, this columnist doesn't understand the fuss.
Lastly, verbose alpha EMINEM was seen shooting wildly into the trees behind his house when he believed he saw this columnist shedding his outer layer of skin. During a brief moment when my camouflage wasn't working, the celebrity caught a glimpse of me and was inconsolable as I offered him part of a semi-digested cat as a gesture of goodwill. This columnist may need to lay low for a while.
