Friday, 28 March 2014

Celebrity Gossip From Glaxxor The Space Lizard

Popular acting humanoid BRAD PITT was spotted purchasing goods and services in order to bring meaning to his brief existence. This columnist witnessed his transactions through a wall by detecting his heat signatures, so remain undetected as Brad purchased various electronic products at an exclusive store.  His intentions for the $5,000 iPod docking station remain baffling to this columnist, but is likely that he will add it to his nutri-chamber to provide entertainment during lengthy excursions across the galaxy.

Hot off the press, this columnist saw notable male JUSTIN BEIBER assault a small, subservient canine with his open palm. The assault was in response to excessive barking towards this columnist as I camouflaged into the bushes at Justin's LA nesting site. Justin failed to see the danger, even as he walked within spitting distance of my venom gland.

Renowned reproducers JAY Z and BEYONCE were sensed by this columnist as they boarded a flying  transport cylinder to a warmer climate. Judging from Beyonce's heat signature, she may well have a clutch of fertilized eggs inside her, and could be traveling to her original spawning grounds to lay those eggs on a beach.  Her homing instinct must be very strong. This columnist will monitor the situation and will try not to devour the tasty, nutritious yolks.

Speaking of celebrity couples, upright apes KIM KARDASHIAN and KANYE WEST were seen ensuring the survival of their offspring by shopping for infant clothes and furniture. They purchased nurturing apparatus and garments in the hopes that their youngling is not killed and eaten by a rival male. This columnist believes it is a foolish endeavour.

It's foolish to expend resources on protecting infants, when you can just spawn hundreds more

Preferred sexual mate of many humans, MILA KUNIS was observed engaging in heated conversation with an agent over a handheld communications device. Her vocal frequencies resembled the mating calls of my species. This columnist almost approached, but was afraid that she might bite my head off after sexual activity had ceased, in order to ensure she has enough energy to give birth. This would have rather affected the output of this column.

On the subject of copulation, two famous individuals ASHTON KUTCHER and RIHANNA are rumoured to have exchanged reproductive fluids. This mutual protein exchange will have likely been to the benefit of both parties, and frankly, this columnist doesn't understand the fuss.

Lastly, verbose alpha EMINEM was seen shooting wildly into the trees behind his house when he believed he saw this columnist shedding his outer layer of skin. During a brief moment when my camouflage wasn't working, the celebrity caught a glimpse of me and was inconsolable as I offered him part of a semi-digested cat as a gesture of goodwill. This columnist may need to lay low for a while.

14 comments:

  1. Glaxxor is great stuff, and I hope we see more of him.

    I've always sort of assumed that if we ever encountered alien life and could translate their gloops and gleeps into English, they'd say to us, "Take us to your celebrities."

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    1. If aliens wanted to learn about humans and study our culture, they would have to try and understand our obsession with celebrities. It's probably the only thing that stops them from invading.

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  2. You mean Justin Bieber was that close to you and you didn't take the shot? I love you Glaxxor but you're getting slippy. Still, I only take my celebrity news from Space Lizards.

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    1. Glaxxor would only consume a celebrity for mating rights and territory, as do all good gossip columnists.

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  3. Glaxxor The Space Lizard has a nice ring to it I was just thinking AH yes CBBC celebrity series, but then you ruined it by bring up the cat (in more ways than one). There you were on the brink of fame and fortune as well . . . . .

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    1. Well what other uses do cats have?

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  4. Replies
    1. A new clutch to be released this Easter.

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  5. Glaxxor needs underlings with a slobberingly voracious need and willingness to photograph hapless infants and low level celebrities in various states of undress in order to advance this gossip endeavor.

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    1. You're referring to the Glaxxorazzi, right?

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  6. Those silly humanoids, I'll never understand them.

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    1. Why don't they have exoskeletons? Gross.

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  7. Glaxxor the Space Lizard would find a good mate in Joan Rivers. She probably shares the same leathery textured skin and also tends to shed her skin under the light of a full moon.

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    1. Joan Rivers? Do you mean Jalazarr, the Space Reptile sleeper agent sent to Earth to infiltrate your popular culture.

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