As a thank you for being such loyal masochists-I mean readers, you have the chance to win a voucher for spectacles, or some other shit. I received an email from a company called Firmoo, who were eager to make business dealings with me:
Are you searching for sponsors ? Do you wanna encourage the interaction with your followers on your social networks ?
Firmoo.com, an online optical store, would like to sponsor you a giveaway on any of your social sites like blog, YouTube, Instagram or Pinterest. You can host a contest for us particularly or you can just put the prizes we offer in the contest you are running.
If you are interested in this offer, you can start to create the contest post right away after get this email. How to proceed this can be found below:
About the prizes:
Vouchers valued at $150 in total. You have to draw 5 persons to win the voucher. Each of them are able to get a $30 voucher. Shipping is excluded. The vouchers are toward the purchases of glasses from this page http://www.firmoo.com/z/firmoo-sponsored-giveaway.html .
About the rules:
Share this contest on Facebook/Twitter.
You can set the other tasks you like.
About the period:
It is suggested to last 7 days, but you can extend it a bit longer if you like.
Finally, it is an international giveaway, but please put this link http://www.firmoo.com/help-p-84.shtml in your post where you can find all the counties we deliver our products to.
Please don’t hesitate to contact me back if you have any questions.
We are looking forward to your response.
Naturally, I'd give anything to sell this Blog down the river, so I leaped at the opportunity:
Dear Mr Firmoo,
I was delighted to hear about your eyeglass vouchers. I run an eye-piece fansite called Muppets For Justice, so I imagine my readers would be thrilled to recieve awesome vouchers for optical accessories.
I would love to hold a competition and give my loyal enthusiasts the chance to run their peepers over your range of glasses, but I have a few questions first.
1) Do your glasses work in the UK?
2) Do I need any artistic ability in order to draw the winners? I did take an evening class on life drawings, but got expelled for painting in the nude.
3) Do the vouchers cover anything other than spectacles? Some of my elite readers won't go for a vanilla pair of glasses. They are usually to be seen sporting monocles, bejewelled binoculars, or sometimes they just strap prisms to their faces.
Thank you in advance and I look forward to telling my readers about this exciting opportunity.
A perfectly reasonable set of questions, I'm sure you'll agree. The next day I received the following response from, who I assume to be Mr Firmoo's daughter. Miss Tina Firmoo:
Thank you so much for your email and glad to learn that you are interested in working with us.
We do have lots of regular customers from UK. You can choose the 5 winners by random.
The $30 can apply to the frame, 1.50 single lenses. The upgrade lenses will be charged for an extra fee. Shipping is excluded.
Please email me the link to the giveaway once it is up. Any other questions, feel free to contact me.
Any other questions? That's just bait for idiots like me. I wasn't sure what kind of contest to run, so I decided to ask Miss Tina Firmoo for some advice:
Dear Tina Firmoo,
Thank you very much for replying to my questions. I've spoken to a couple of my regular readers and they appear rather stoked about this contest. They can't wait to get their hands on those delicious vouchers.
However, I'm still not sure what kind of contest I'm going to run on my Blog. I have a few notions that I'm mulling over, and since you seem to be a competition expert, I would very much appreciate your input. Please let me know what you think of my ideas:
A) Entrants must express their love of contact lenses through the medium of interpretive dance. They will send in videos of themselves performing the dance, and we will judge who conveys their excitement most effectively. Bonus points if you can get a dog to dance.
B) Erotic fanfiction involving characters with visual impairments. Entrants must choose two fictional characters with glasses and express their lust in graphic detail, pausing only to push their glasses further up the bridge of their nose.
C) A "Who Can Look At The Sun Longest Through A Telescope" competition. Video evidence must be provided.
What do you think?
Tina Firmoo replies:
We usually do not set any rules for reader to enter the giveaway we sponsor. However, if it is the way you interact with your fans. I think it is Ok.
So if I usually molest my fans, you'd think that was okay too? Giving me free reign over a project like this is just asking for disaster:
Dear Tina Firmoo,
Okay, it's fantastic to know that you trust my judgement unequivocally. It has given me the confidence to make a decision on this matter.
That is why I have launched a "How would you woo Tina Firmoo?" competition. Entrants must provide a 5000 word essay on what they would like to do with you on a date. I've already asked some of my readers and, being the lonely eye-glass enthusiasts that they are, they are rather exicted to date a woman outside of a Steampunk rally. One guy chap said he'd like to take you ice fishing. Another said he would take you to the cinema to see Terminator 2, provided you wore a clockwork outfit, 200 belts that don't give any support, and occasionally emitted scalding steam from your ears. I said I'd see what I could do.
Do you have preferred type of date? The winner would be the person who describes a scenario close to your ideal date.
And then, for some strange reason, the replies dried up. My guess is that she took one look at the creepy weirdo portfolio that is my fanbase and chickened out. Yet again I have been thwarted by my legions of ugly readers. I hope you folks are happy with yourselves!