Monday 21 July 2014

How The Drip Bill Affects You

Ever since Edward Snowden delighted us all by blowing a whistle (as I understand it), it seems that the word on everyone’s lips at the moment is “privacy”.  We value our privacy so much that we can’t stop talking about it, to everyone and everything.  I recently had the words “More Internet Privacy” tattooed on my bollocks, and then I uploaded a scrotal selfie of it to Facebook.  That’s how excited I am about privacy.

After months of complaining, and sending pictures of my balls to Downing Street, it seems that the government have finally not listened to our demands of not being listened to.  That’s why they’re currently rushing a bill through parliament called DRIP (Data Retention and Investigatory Powers).  In yet another lick of the salt stick that is our civil liberties, the bill intends to extend government powers to monitor us and retain our communications information if we are suspected criminals.  All the party leaders are backing this bill in effort to push it through the Commons as quickly and quietly as possible.  This bill is so drab that the government hopes that you’ll become bored and disinterested, like if someone tried to offer you a Watchtower magazine.  That’s why they called it DRIP, to make it sound so bland that you won’t care.

Well I do care.  That’s why I’ve read the bill.  There’s a lot of nasty stuff in here that they don’t want you to read.  Here’s a summary of some of the most heinous parts of the bill.

1)  Every Person Will be Given A Barcode

Since we didn’t want ID cards, the government intend to brand you with a unique identifier instead.  This series of lines, when scanned with a barcode reader, will provide your name, age, social security number, the number of times you’ve failed to wash your hands after a wee, and your sell by date.  This will also make using self-service checkouts an absolute nightmare.

2)  Every Household Will Be Required To Download Michael Gove

Using 3D printers, every family in Britain will soon find themselves infested with a serious case of Gove.  He’ll slink around your house checking for terrorists and making sure that your children haven’t been radicalised.  His primary function is to bang on the door while you’re taking a shit, demanding that you allow him to inspect the room for Islamic propaganda, and don’t you dare flush!  He will also stand at the foot of your bed while you’re trying to make love.  His little beagle-like head will wrinkle further as he tries to comprehend the concept of love and acceptance amongst two human beings.  

You're own, personal, former education minister

3)  Your Internet History Will Automatically Be Emailed To Your Mum

In order to stop you going on bomb-making websites or becoming a pedophile, your parents will have full and unedited access to your browsing habits.  This will make you think twice before you decide to let yourself become indoctrinated.

4)  Ask Jeeves Will Become The UK’s Primary Search Engine

As an effort to promote the aristocracy as a friendly, all-knowing source of information and power, the government intends to relaunch the unpopular search engine, Ask Jeeves.  Anyone attempting to Google anything will be remanded in custody until the mercy of Jeeves is bestowed upon you.

5)  Anyone Attempting To Fly To Russia Will Be Arrested

Why would anyone want to go to Russia?  It’s cold, bleak, and smells faintly of fermented potatoes.  The only reason anyone would want to go there is if they were a whistleblower searching for asylum.  Let’s catch them before they leave, then, because we don’t want to waste taxes paying for their incarceration, send them somewhere horrible, like Russia!  That’ll teach them.

From these few points, it’s obvious that the DRIP bill is bad news.  The government will tell you that “if you’ve done nothing wrong, then you’ve got nothing to hide”, but I implore you not to fall for this line.  I used to hide sweets in my bedroom because I didn’t want my brothers and sisters to steal them, so hiding things can be noble.  That, and all those unpaid parking tickets.  Either way, I implore you not to support the government’s actions and not to support DRIP.

22 comments:

  1. Oh god, number 3, oh god, number 3!?! Holy god hell number 4!?! What is this unimaginable hellscape you've promised?
    It seems that people are worried about their own privacy but could not give less of a shit about other people's, which is why our civil liberties are doomed.

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    1. I'm sure number 4 breaches human rights in some capacity. However, you can't deny that Jeeves is quite a dapper gent.

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  2. I really hate it when the government says that you've got nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. The reverse applies. It's amazing that they still try to do this when not one, not two, but I think three now, such similar bills have been found, read, and stopped.

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    1. I'm not sure that this one is going to be stopped though, that's the worst part.

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  3. Well crap. There goes my plans for traipsing through Russia. Damn so close!

    I had to laugh when you referenced Ask Jeeves. Such a polite search engine that I had forgotten about.

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    1. Forgetting about Jeeves is a worse crime than forgetting about Dre. I think you can wind up in Guantanamo.

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  4. Here in the States, the government has been invading our privacy for more than a decade, and it's great. No more forgetting passwords or losing my keys.

    They are really protecting me from myself.

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    1. Don't worry, our Government has been giving your government the private details of UK citizens since the Cold War. I think you guys probably know more about us than we know ourselves. If you know where I misplaced my wallet, please let me know.

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  5. #3 isn't so bad simply because my mom sucks at computers and will believe anything I say regarding them.

    "Oh, that wasn't me, mom. My computer got hacked a while back and the person that hacked into went to all kinds of nasty stuff! I honestly don't even know what Asian midget lesbian gangbangs ARE."

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    1. Oh yeah, I think I used that excuse when I was caught trying to install Barbie Princess Adventures.

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  6. At first, I thought this was a serious post. It wasn't long before I realized it was an extremely serious post!

    If this bill is passed, I will never be able to skip out on going to Aunt Maybel's awful dinner parties. My mom will threaten to make my search history public if I am to unexpectedly forego another one of those dreadful dinner parties.

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    1. Even worse, she may produce said document at Aunt Maybel's dinner parties. "As you can see, my son spends more time roleplaying a squirrel online than GETTING A JOB!"

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  7. If any single one of these ends up being made a real law (and lets face it, those boys at GCHQ have already copy and pasted this whole post into a report) we all know who is to blame!!!

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    1. So you're going to blame me when Gove turns up in your house and starts checking your bookcases for copies of the Qur'an? To be fair, you're probably justified in doing so.

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  8. Finally a Bar Code and about time. I know I dont drink alcohol but I should still be able to get to the bar and order a glass of orange juice not pushed to one side by some bloke on his tenth larger and gin. Whats wrong with an orderly queue. While I'm here can I say hello to Quentin and Charles at QCHQ, I told them they can follow me around cyberspace and meet my fellow bloggers such as your good self. They are keen, they take notes and stuff all the time. Oooooo apparently they are sending a nice picture to your mum . . . . . . Hang on what are you doing with that tortoise.

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    1. Hey, if you know a better way to extract turtle wax for your surf board, I'd like to hear it!

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  9. As an only child I have always wanted a big brother. I for one welcome the new scrutiny being bestowed on us, it means they care.

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    1. As an attention whore, I want the government to watch me. It'll get me some more Internet traffic if nothing else.

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  10. Barcode? Mark of the Beast! Mark of the Beast!
    On an unrelated note, I thought "bollocks" was slang for "buttocks."
    "Bollocks" are actually "balls"?
    I LOVE learning another language!
    Now, let me get this straight, being called a "wanker" is not necessarily a good thing, right?

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    1. Oh man, there's a whole wide world of British swearing that you're not familiar with. I should write up an American's Guide To British Swearing.

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    2. That actually would be pretty funny. I could then insult people at a biker bar and emerge unscathed.
      Hopefully.
      Better not try it.
      Unless the bikes they rode were Schwinns.

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  11. And, by "Beast," I don't mean Michelle Obama.
    Necessarily.

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