How The Drip Bill Affects You

Ever since Edward Snowden delighted us all by blowing a whistle (as I understand it), it seems that the word on everyone’s lips at the moment is “privacy”.  We value our privacy so much that we can’t stop talking about it, to everyone and everything.  I recently had the words “More Internet Privacy” tattooed on my bollocks, and then I uploaded a scrotal selfie of it to Facebook.  That’s how excited I am about privacy.

After months of complaining, and sending pictures of my balls to Downing Street, it seems that the government have finally not listened to our demands of not being listened to.  That’s why they’re currently rushing a bill through parliament called DRIP (Data Retention and Investigatory Powers).  In yet another lick of the salt stick that is our civil liberties, the bill intends to extend government powers to monitor us and retain our communications information if we are suspected criminals.  All the party leaders are backing this bill in effort to push it through the Commons as quickly and quietly as possible.  This bill is so drab that the government hopes that you’ll become bored and disinterested, like if someone tried to offer you a Watchtower magazine.  That’s why they called it DRIP, to make it sound so bland that you won’t care.

Well I do care.  That’s why I’ve read the bill.  There’s a lot of nasty stuff in here that they don’t want you to read.  Here’s a summary of some of the most heinous parts of the bill.

1)  Every Person Will be Given A Barcode

Since we didn’t want ID cards, the government intend to brand you with a unique identifier instead.  This series of lines, when scanned with a barcode reader, will provide your name, age, social security number, the number of times you’ve failed to wash your hands after a wee, and your sell by date.  This will also make using self-service checkouts an absolute nightmare.

2)  Every Household Will Be Required To Download Michael Gove

Using 3D printers, every family in Britain will soon find themselves infested with a serious case of Gove.  He’ll slink around your house checking for terrorists and making sure that your children haven’t been radicalised.  His primary function is to bang on the door while you’re taking a shit, demanding that you allow him to inspect the room for Islamic propaganda, and don’t you dare flush!  He will also stand at the foot of your bed while you’re trying to make love.  His little beagle-like head will wrinkle further as he tries to comprehend the concept of love and acceptance amongst two human beings.  

You're own, personal, former education minister

3)  Your Internet History Will Automatically Be Emailed To Your Mum

In order to stop you going on bomb-making websites or becoming a pedophile, your parents will have full and unedited access to your browsing habits.  This will make you think twice before you decide to let yourself become indoctrinated.

4)  Ask Jeeves Will Become The UK’s Primary Search Engine

As an effort to promote the aristocracy as a friendly, all-knowing source of information and power, the government intends to relaunch the unpopular search engine, Ask Jeeves.  Anyone attempting to Google anything will be remanded in custody until the mercy of Jeeves is bestowed upon you.

5)  Anyone Attempting To Fly To Russia Will Be Arrested

Why would anyone want to go to Russia?  It’s cold, bleak, and smells faintly of fermented potatoes.  The only reason anyone would want to go there is if they were a whistleblower searching for asylum.  Let’s catch them before they leave, then, because we don’t want to waste taxes paying for their incarceration, send them somewhere horrible, like Russia!  That’ll teach them.

From these few points, it’s obvious that the DRIP bill is bad news.  The government will tell you that “if you’ve done nothing wrong, then you’ve got nothing to hide”, but I implore you not to fall for this line.  I used to hide sweets in my bedroom because I didn’t want my brothers and sisters to steal them, so hiding things can be noble.  That, and all those unpaid parking tickets.  Either way, I implore you not to support the government’s actions and not to support DRIP.