String Theory Explained

There are many scientific theories and laws that, while they are essentially complicated, they can easily be explained.  The theory of gravity is a perfect example.  The practicalities and calculations behind determining gravitational force can be mind boggling, but it can be easily explained as the force that makes you stick to the floor.  String theory is not so easily described.

What exactly is string theory?  We’ve all heard Stephen Hawking talking about it; he loves it.  His eyes widen in wonderment at the sight of a string vest.  But why is string so important to science?

String has many magical properties that elevate it over other woven fabrics.  It is strong, taught, and useful for binding things together, which scientists speculate was an important part in the formation and binding of our universe.  Early telephone systems consisted of two yoghurt pots attached by string, which means that string can be used to transmit telephone signals and communications.  Despite all of this study, not a single scientist has been able to determine how long a piece of string is.  It also keeps unexpectedly appearing in people’s pockets for no apparent reason.  Go on, put your hand in your pocket right now and I bet you’ll find some string in there. Isn’t it marvellous?

In the same way that you can bind two sticks together with a piece of string, string theory indicates that the universe is held together by a mysterious, unseen force.  Some speculate that is the work of dark matter.  However, I believe that, given the evidence as to the important part that string already plays on our daily existence, that the universe is held together by long strands of invisible string.  This is the main reason why people tell you not to run with scissors.

The inside of a string

As an experiment, I’ve been trying to open tears in the space-time continuum by running down the street and madly slicing the air with a bread knife.  If my theory is correct, eventually I’ll slice through one of the invisible strings that bind reality, create a wormhole to another dimension, and transport myself into an alternative timeline where I didn’t wee myself in front of the entire class in 1996*.  I began screaming madly whilst doing this in order alert other people to the experiment. This should give them ample time to move out of the way should they not wish to be transported across trans-dimensional planes.  I also took the precaution of wearing a white coat so that people would take me seriously and understand that I was a man of science.  To underline this point, I wore nothing else other than the coat to try and draw attention to it.

It was shortly after I began slicing at a speaker in a KFC drive-thru that I was bundled into the back of a police car.  What kind of fascist would try and stifle a ground-breaking scientific discovery such as this? I don’t think the minds at NASA have to put up with this kind of bullshit.  And with that, your honour, the defence rests.

*Most of my experiments revolve around trying to reverse this tragic event.  It’s the main reason that I became a scientist.

((P.S.  Some of you saw a post on Friday about buttless chaps.  Those eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that the date of the post was 25th of July, so from the future.  Basically, Blogger decided to publish one of scheduled posts early in some sort of time travelling confusion.  Thank you for commenting and enjoying it, but I've taken it down to finish it properly and will post it again in due course.))