Friday 25 July 2014

Please Respect My Buttless Chaps


The relentless sniggering behind my back is one thing, but the fact that I am being persecuted for my cultural heritage is outright despicable.  I can’t even venture out to the corner shop without someone throwing stones at me, or people telling me that I’m “offensive”.  Occasionally the police are called, who then insist on draping towels around my waist and escorting me home in the name of public decency.  All of this is because people can’t accept my buttless leather chaps.

I will not stand for this any longer.  If you have a problem with the way I dress, then you are disrespecting my cultural heritage, pure and simple.  I come from a long line of buttless chap wearers.  My great, great, great, grandfather Wilfred used to rustle up some cattle in a pair of the ol’ breezy’s.  Before that, my distant buttless uncle Peter was part of the French resistance, and you’d never see him trying to protect his derriere from the bayonets and bullets of his enemies with a layer of fabric.  These trousers are an important part of my lineage and I wouldn’t want to disrespect the struggles of my ancestors by applying cloth to buttock.

The list of public places I am banned from gets longer by the day.  I am no longer welcome at the library, the school, church, my local, my non-local, the supermarket, laser quest, the arcade, Claridge’s , the nuclear power plant, the old watering hole, my neighbours pools, and outside.  Even the postman doesn’t knock on the door any more.  He just leaves my packages with the neighbours, even when I’m at home.  This is pure discrimination.

The "censored" version that I have to wear to my kid's school plays.
I don’t understand why some people are allowed to wear unusual clothing and I’m not.  You don’t see me walking around slapping those weird Jewish hats off of people’s heads or tearing off people's burkhas.  They are allowed to wear them due to religious reasons.  Well what if I were to say that I worshipped buttless trousers?  I don’t, because that would be ridiculous, but I could if I wanted to and you should be happy for me.

So here I stand, proud, sunburnt and nettled; turning the other cheek every time some drunken hen party slaps my arse and whistles like a filthy steam engine.   All I ask is that people consider a little cultural sensitivity and respect my lifestyle choices.  That, and please stop making me sit on towels when I come round for tea.  Thanks in advance!

10 comments:

  1. Thanks for revealing the backside of prejudice. Perhaps the day will come, not today or tomorrow but soon, when there will be fashion equity for people like you. Until then I know you'll be content to just turn the other cheek.

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    1. Thanks man, it's good to know that you are behind me. I'm just sad that I'm often the butt of everyone's jokes. Sometimes it's difficult to even crack a smile.

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  2. I can see that you have a good case, however it comes with a lot of buts . . . . . . . . HAH AH HA HAH HA HAH HA HA HAH AH HA HA HA HAH AH AH HA HAH AH AH HA Hha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ahha ha ha ha hah ah a hah a ha.

    I love a cheeky joke . . . . HA HAH AH AH AH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ahah hah ah ah ha ha ha ha

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    1. Your jokes are really scraping the bottom.

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  3. "Weird Jewish hats"? Sir, I will have you know that those "weird Jewish hats" are in fact called "bald spot covers". Have some respect.
    The problem is that you claim these to be cultural, yet, if they were truly a part of your heritage, you would know that chaps are inherently butt-less by nature. Chaps only cover the front so calling them ass-less chaps is redundant. It would bear mentioning if chaps covered the butt, like butt-cover chaps. Or maybe it's because you're not very good at cleaning up your bum after a good poo.

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    1. How dare you point out inconsistencies in my belief system? I'll have you know that I have researched this thoroughly and my definition of what constitutes chaps is correct, mainly due to my own righteous indignation. If you believe something hard enough it must be true, right?

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  4. YOUR people should go back to where you came from (Bongo-Butless land I presume). The UK is an intolerant place and not for the likes of you with your "other ways of doing things" and "Slightly different behaviour that doesn't immediately confirm with my blinkered view of the world)!"
    I can't believe you have the nerve to come here with your witty, funny and rather brilliant blog and all it's words, making everybody smile and enjoy themselves a little bit more. It's the BBC licence fee gone mad or something.

    Now, where's my giant rubber cock n ball's I wear as a sun shade???????? ;)

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    1. I've been using your sun shade as a pogo stick. Unfortunately, I fell on it while wearing my trademark chaps and it seems to have...disappeared somewhere. If I find it, I'll post it back to you from Bongo-Buttless land.

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  5. See, I'm so ignorant that I thought these were worn for religion's sake. I thought it was the customary decor of the Ministry of Holy Trousers.

    Anyway, people fail to see the added benefits of buttless chaps. You'll only have to wash the pants once a year as the two main parts of the body that conjure up the most stink would be completely separated from the odor-absorbing cloth.

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    1. Exactly. Also, the amount of money I save because I don't have to buy underwear is astronomical. I managed to buy another pair of buttless chaps with the savings I made.

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