After months of complaining, and sending pictures of my balls to Downing Street, it seems that the government have finally not listened
to our demands of not being listened to.
That’s why they’re currently rushing a bill through parliament called
DRIP (Data Retention and Investigatory Powers). In yet another lick of the salt stick that is
our civil liberties, the bill intends to extend government powers to monitor us
and retain our communications information if we are suspected criminals. All the party leaders are backing this bill
in effort to push it through the Commons as quickly and quietly as
possible. This bill is so drab that the
government hopes that you’ll become bored and disinterested, like if someone
tried to offer you a Watchtower magazine.
That’s why they called it DRIP, to make it sound so bland that you won’t
care.
Well I do care.
That’s why I’ve read the bill.
There’s a lot of nasty stuff in here that they don’t want you to read. Here’s a summary of some of the most heinous
parts of the bill.
1) Every Person Will
be Given A Barcode
Since we didn’t want ID cards, the government intend to
brand you with a unique identifier instead.
This series of lines, when scanned with a barcode reader, will provide
your name, age, social security number, the number of times you’ve failed to
wash your hands after a wee, and your sell by date. This will also make using self-service
checkouts an absolute nightmare.
2) Every Household
Will Be Required To Download Michael Gove
Using 3D printers, every family in Britain will soon find
themselves infested with a serious case of Gove. He’ll slink around your house checking for
terrorists and making sure that your children haven’t been radicalised. His primary function is to bang on the door
while you’re taking a shit, demanding that you allow him to inspect the room
for Islamic propaganda, and don’t you dare flush! He will also stand at the foot of your bed
while you’re trying to make love. His
little beagle-like head will wrinkle further as he tries to comprehend the
concept of love and acceptance amongst two human beings.
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| You're own, personal, former education minister |
In order to stop you going on bomb-making websites or
becoming a pedophile, your parents will have full and unedited access to your
browsing habits. This will make you
think twice before you decide to let yourself become indoctrinated.
4) Ask Jeeves Will
Become The UK’s Primary Search Engine
As an effort to promote the aristocracy as a friendly,
all-knowing source of information and power, the government intends to relaunch
the unpopular search engine, Ask Jeeves.
Anyone attempting to Google anything will be remanded in custody until the
mercy of Jeeves is bestowed upon you.
5) Anyone
Attempting To Fly To Russia Will Be Arrested
Why would anyone want to go to Russia? It’s cold, bleak, and smells faintly of
fermented potatoes. The only reason
anyone would want to go there is if they were a whistleblower searching for
asylum. Let’s catch them before they
leave, then, because we don’t want to waste taxes paying for their
incarceration, send them somewhere horrible, like Russia! That’ll teach them.
From these few points, it’s obvious that the DRIP bill is
bad news. The government will tell you
that “if you’ve done nothing wrong, then you’ve got nothing to hide”, but I
implore you not to fall for this line. I
used to hide sweets in my bedroom because I didn’t want my brothers and sisters
to steal them, so hiding things can be noble.
That, and all those unpaid parking tickets. Either way, I implore you not to support the
government’s actions and not to support DRIP.
