Monday, 19 November 2012

Team GB vs Team USA


Barack Obama:  Hello, I’m Barack Obama and I approve this message.  Always let it be known that I’m a huge supporter of our armed forces.  I understand the difficulties facing our troops today.  On the battlefield, the right equipment could mean the difference between success and failure.  Having comrades you can rely on could mean the difference between lasting friendships or shell shock.  The correct training could mean the difference between coming home to see your loved ones, or coming home in a closed casket.  I know this because I have recently experienced the hells of war myself.

David Cameron:  And so have I.  In fact, me and my good friend Obama-

Obama:  I’m not your friend.

Cameron:  Oh right, still in “war mode” are we?  Hehe.  Well anyway, we had a bit of a friendly paintball skirmish the other day.  GB vs USA.

Obama:  There was nothing friendly about it.  I bought along 5 of my most highly decorated CIA field agents for the task.  We set out to win.

Cameron:  And I bought along 5 of my Bullingdon boys for the ride.  Oxbridge’s finest, no less!  I tell you, there ain’t no posse like a Bullingdon posse!

Obama:  Didn’t one of your guys spend the entire match running around in the open with his mask on upside down?

Cameron:  Who, Boris?  Yes, it was a superb piece of strategy on his part.  He provided a distraction so that we could take the flag.

Obama:  He didn’t even know how to take the safety off.

Cameron:  It was all part of the plan.  He is a master tactician of the highest order.

Obama:  He got disqualified for throwing rocks at people and had to sit on the bench for the rest of the day.

Cameron:  To be fair to him, rocks do look slightly like smoke grenades.

Obama:  Whatever.  I can’t believe you guys made him a Mayor.  Anyway, the result is all that mattered, and I’m pleased to say that-

Cameron:  Wait!  Don’t tell them the result yet!

Obama:  Why, are you ashamed?

Cameron:  No.  You don’t just skip to the end in war stories.  You have to spin a yarn.  You have to tell a tale that will resonate with future generations.  You have to paint a hellscape that will inspire youngsters to work together, thus preventing them from repeating our futile mistakes.

Obama:  How do you intend to do that?

Cameron:  I’ve written a poem

Obama:  Really? *sigh* okay, go for it.

Cameron:  Ahem...

BANG BANG BANG BANG, the guns of battle go,
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM, only our soldiers know,
CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK, how war affects our boys,
DUGGA DUGGA DUGGA DUGGA, that’s a machine gun noise,

Obama:  That’s definitely one for the anthology.

Cameron:  There’s another 17 verses to go.

Obama:  I think we’ve heard enough!

Cameron:  Oh alright.  Anyway, the first game went off without a hitch!  Team UK executed a highly competitive strategy that was designed to infiltrate the enemy fortress and take the flag from under the American’s very noses.

Obama:  So why were you scrabbling around in the dirt while we picked you off from a distance?

Cameron:  We were attempting to dig out the foundations, thus collapsing the structure.

Obama:  Might have helped if you could get within 50 yards of our base.

Cameron:  Yes, on reflection the plan could do with a tad more polish.  I’ll get the chaps at the MOD to work on it immediately.

Obama:  You do that.  Anyway, on round 2 the roles were reversed.  We had to assault the base.  Luckily, I had one of our chief intelligence officers map the entire compound so we knew all the tactical choke points and fortified points of entry.

Cameron:  Unfortunately, the weather was against us and it suddenly became very foggy.

Obama:  That’s called a smoke grenade son.  I rolled it right between your legs and peppered your back with paint.

Cameron:  Oh right.  Did you really have to turn it into a hostage situation though?

Obama:  Hey, one of you guys had moved the flag.  You shouldn’t do that you know.

Cameron:  Yes, but did you really have to subject poor George Osbourne to torture?  He’s still on sick leave due to the trauma.

Obama:  Hey, if your guy can't stand a little waterboarding, maybe he shouldn't be in a warzone.

Cameron:  Technically it’s an international incident.  He’s a member of the cabinet for money’s sake!

Obama:  My guys get results.  You’re just bitter because we kicked your asses!

Cameron:  I think you’ll find you kicked our arses.

Obama:  Ass, fanny, who cares?

Cameron:  Vagina.

Obama:  What?

Cameron:  Where I come from, a fanny is a vagina.

Obama:  Oh, I thought you were listing things you were scared of.  Just like you did when we tortured you.  It’s a bit unhealthy for a grown man to still be scared of losing his mother in a crowded shopping center.

Cameron:  YOU SWORE YOU’D NEVER TELL!

Obama:  Consider it payback.  In fact, speaking of paying back, when are you going to send the money for the meal we had after paintball?  After we’d eaten, you all just smashed the table, mooned at everyone, then ran away and left us to pay the cheque.

Cameron:  That’s how us Bullingdon boys roll.

Obama:  We want that money.

Cameron:  ...Is now a good time to ask about our Special Relationship?

31 comments:

  1. "I thought you were listing things you were scared of" hahahahahahaha! I like the sound of this Boris fellow. I'd like to hear a tale from his new administration, see how it's going with him failing his way up. I'm pretty sure Barack wouldn't have even shown up and just sent his paintball drone in for a strike that ended up paintballing an entire village.

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    1. I'd love to write something about Boris Johnson, but in his case reality is probably more frightening/hilarious than fiction. Here are but a few of his blunders:

      http://politicalscrapbook.net/2012/08/boris-johnsons-greatest-hits-his-top-five-video-blunders/

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  2. I don't really want to say Dave is a beautiful poet. That was pretty damn beautiful. I wouldn't want to be in a war with Boris Johnson, he is crazy, but the smart kind of crazy that could take you out in a heartbeat if you look at him.

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    1. Siegfried Sassoon will be turning in his grave, wherever that may be. And yes, Boris looks like a trained killer who entered a teleporter at the same time as Donald Trump.

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  3. I know he said it was a poem, but I pictured it as a def poetry slam. Tie loosened, lots of hand gestures, aggressive movements, and a really angry tone in his voice. Obama got served, yo!!!

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    1. David Cameron's tie is only loosened when he attempts to fornicate with his wife. By fornicate, I actually mean rub his secreted semen all over her suspended egg sacks, then regurgitate frozen chicken dinners into the eager mouths of his reptillian offspring.

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  4. Such a travesty that Obama got stuck paying the bill! It's no wonder America is in shambles!

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    1. Cameron can't help it. It's his upbringing, innit bruv?

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  5. "Unfortunately, the weather was against us and it suddenly became very foggy"

    "That’s called a smoke grenade son"

    That had me laughing, Addman! I could see them bickering like two children after such a battle.

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    1. Thank you. I think all foreign affairs are conducted with a similar sense of grace and dignity.

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  6. Hilarious post, Addman!

    Obama is actually a very competitive dude. I'm not just talking about the presidential race either. Have you ever seent hat man play basketball? Not even a smirk graces his face while he's taking it to the hole. I think you captured his personality perfectly.

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    1. That's the impression I've always had of him and exactly how I tried to portray him. I guess you need to be pretty competitive to get to his position though.

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  7. I actually tend to think Michelle is the competitive one. Almost anyone she married would have probably ended up president :)

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    1. I don't know much about Michelle, although I gather she's quite the celebrity in the States. Well you know what they say, behind every great man is a woman shouting at him for looking at porn. I think that's right anyway.

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  8. I think the clue to this is in their names Obama has two A's and an O level. that is OK not to bad the sort of qualifications that will get you into a decent college and then a job as President.

    Cameron has just the one A level and we can see it is only an E that is one level above fail and although he got an O level too, rumour has it it was in Domestic Science and he cheated, buying a Mr Kipling cake and substituting it for his attempt at a French fancy. These qualifications will only get you into a very expensive private college paid for by father (a man of means . . . . or was it a mean man? I know not) and a job as a politician. . . . . Where practical skills are rather frowned on.

    Practical skills are a must in Paint Balling, I am just glad you did not mention the British chap who thought he had to paint his balls. I think it was one of the Americans who called him cannon fodder . . . . . . I think proving he was cannon fodder was a little unsporting however.

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    1. British chap who painted his balls? I wonder what they would have come under on the Dulux Colour Chart. Wrinkled Mauve?

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  9. The creative way you mine humor never fails to impress and amaze me. Another excellent post.

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    1. You are far too kind. If I hadn't had my tear ducts removed in an unfortunate snake-charming accident, I'd be crying right now. Thanks!

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  10. Hilarious posting! Surprised me a little I was waiting on team USA was going to scream "Rock, Paper, Scissors that's how we roll" and want groups hugs, Kumbaya and stuff. I agree hilarious and excellent!

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    1. *sniff* ...you guys... *sniff* Now who's for a group hug?

      Thanks!

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  11. Wait, fanny means vagina? That just changed my veiw on a few british movies I'd seen!!

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    1. Once known, it changes your fundamental understanding of the laws of physics.

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  12. Very funny. I see a little bit of flip in this post.

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    1. Yes I suppose you're right. You are the king of conversation scripts though, so you should be flattered that someone else would give it a try.

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    2. Also, I was drunk when I commented, otherwise I wouldn't have come off as a complete tool. (I hope.) I am flattered.

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    3. Also, also, I stole my entire bit from Monty Python. And Steve Martin. And Douglas Adams.

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    4. I think we all take on influence from everything we watch and read, even if it is subconsciously. You didn't come across as a tool :)

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  13. Eight years ago, you could do a similar with Bush Jr and John Howard the ex-PM of Australia. Bush would have said something stupid, Howard would have humped his leg.

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    1. Replace John Howard with Tony Blair, and you've just described the UK during the early 00's.

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  14. **insert witty and sharply astute political quip here** and then tell me how great I am! :D

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    1. That was great and you are great.

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