Last week, as I rooted through the food cupboards at home, I found and devoured the last funsize Mars bar with hasty relish. Once the miniature bar had descended down my gullet and past the part where it's taste was lost to my endless digestive tract, I felt wholly unsatisfied. I needed sugar.
It was too late to simply purchase chocolate. It was a Sunday evening, and thanks to Britain's trading laws, even the supermarkets cannot stay open past 4:00 PM in case Jesus returns or something. Rioting was out of the question since all my best rioting clothes were in the wash. In my desperation, I fired up my laptop and sent an email to the Mars corporation:
I run a successful Blog with hundreds of subscribers and thousands of regular hits. Throughout my life I have made a massive commitment to Mars chocolate and have taken your slogan "A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play" to heart, so much so that my heart is probably caked in caramel by now. I swear it audibly creaks sometimes.
Anyway, I believe that a marriage between my Blog and your delicious treats might work. At least it'll work better than my recent marriage. Apparently, it isn't possible to enter into any kind of legally binding matrimony with someone who is trapped in the trunk of your car, but that's a story for another time.
What I am proposing is that I could review your chocolate and inform my readers how it makes me play amongst the stars, how Mars takes me higher than Jupiter or Mars. I think there's a song in there somewhere. It might make a nice jingle for your company.
In order to complete the reviews, I would require as much free produce as you can possibly spare. I am a thorough sort of man so I would have to conduct an inordinate amount of product testing. I will, of course, inform everyone to purchase your product immediately. Let it be known that my professional opinion is very fickle and can easily be bought with sugar.
Let me know if you are interested and I'll let you know where to send the chocolate to. Also, here's a link to my Blog if you want to check my credentials:
I sat back and waited for the trucks arrive. Unfortunately, they never came, and all I got was this rather generic response:
Thanks for getting in touch.
Unfortunately, we do not have any samples of our products to send to you at the moment.Once again, thanks for contacting Mars and good luck in the future with your blog.
Kind regards,Samantha NewittConsumer Care Team0845 045 0042
They don't have any samples to send me at the moment? Surely that means that I should be eligible for free stuff when it becomes available.
|For those who don't know what a Mars Bar looks like.|
After this failure, I decided to edge my bets a little and see if I could get any free stuff from any other companies. Since I needed some fizzy drink to wash down my chocolate, I contacted the Coca Cola company:
I run a rather successful Blog with hundreds of subscribers and thousands of regular hits. When I'm not Blogging about my incredible career as a bus shelter monitor, I am generally guzzling down litres of Coca Cola products.
As I am renowned in both these fields, I figured I should try and combine the two and Blog about Coca Cola products. I could review your products and tell my readers how awesome they are. I would be grateful for any free product you could send me to review, and I can promise you favourable write ups in return (unless you make something really gross like Sprout Cola).
I hope you don't doubt my resolve to review these products. I am dedicated to the consumption of carbonated liquids, so much so that I drank enough Fanta last week to cause hallucinations. I spent the weekend as a Hummingbird trying to pollinate flowers (chairs), and now I have arms as tight as a submarine porthole.
I hope you will consider this exciting business opportunity. Let me know if you're interested, and I'll give you the address to ship the free stuff to. Here's a link to my aforementioned Blog, for your perusal:
I couldn't wait to be sipping that fine syrupy goodness.
Thank you for contacting us regarding your idea.
We receive many ideas and business proposals from persons outside of our company and we are complimented that our consumers are interested in our company.
Coca-Cola Great Britain uses a variety of agencies that assist us in advertising, marketing, manufacturing and sales promotions fields. Unfortunately as a matter of policy, we are unable to accept ideas or consider any proposal directly from individuals or business groups outside our company or its agencies.
I wish to emphasise that although we can not consider your proposal, this in no way reflects on its merits.
I am sorry to respond with this disappointing news but hereby return your proposal accordingly.
I would like to thank you once again for your interest in our company and to wish you all the best with your business venture.
Kind regards,Alas, it would seem that I have failed. Has anyone ever managed to get cool free stuff from a company? If so, let me know how I can better dupe them out of delicious product.
Consumer Information Centre
Coca-Cola Great Britain