It is I, George Osborne. Some of you might know me as "Gideon", while others in the North may know me as "Oi Twat", as I found out while visiting a steel mill in Sheffield. An aide reliably informed me that "twat" means "gentleman of reputable nature", so I've made it my word of the week. Rest assured, myself and the rest of the cabinet are a bunch of massive twats. And twattettes. We mustn't forget about Theresa May.
Regardless, I've had my good chums over at GCHQ take over a few Internet blogs to spread the good word about the coalition government. That's why I have borrowed ##THE MUPPETS OF JUSTICE##
More importantly, however, is what your government can do for you. Did you know that you can earn money by supporting the Conservatives via social media sites? That right. Myself, Dave and Boris are all willing to give up to £50 for every like we get on Facebook. This is because we made a bet with the Liberal Democrats over who was most popular. If the Lib Dems win, they get to keep their precious NHS. A fool's errand!
We are also encouraging our Twitter followers to retweet us into oblivion. Do you remember Dave's latest completely intentional Barack Obama joke?
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| "I've been speaking to @BarackObama about the situation in Ukraine. We are united in condemnation of Russia's actions." |
Or how about the wonderful times we've shared online together, such as this:
Oh how we laughed, although I didn't fully understand it.
Of course, we are aware that some people find politicians on Facebook and Twitter as repugnant as the gigantic queen slug that shat out us Bullingdon boys, where we germinated in our mucus membranes until we resembled humanoid lifeforms.However, we are willing to pay cold hard cash for popularity. Just like in real life, we will throw money at people until they like us.
Don't think of this as a waste of taxpayer's money. The money for my followers actually comes from my father's account in the Cayman Islands. See, I'm just like you in that way; willing to throw my undeserved pool of wealth into a popularity venture, just as any old Tom, Dick and Harry off the street would do.
By liking us, over time you may actually learn to love us, like victims of abuse. We will keep you updated on how shit Europe is, all of Boris's private shareholder meetings, and how many GQ awards I've won for being the world's best politician. We promise not to mention The Big Society again since we're killing it quietly, so there's no need to worry about that. If we can at least stop people from retweeting Ed Balls for a few days, that would be a massive victory for our term in government.
Tally bye you lovely twats, and I look forward to seeing you on the social media site of your choice.
Like victims of abuse indeed. I can understand politicians on social media but I can't understand why anyone would opt to willingly follow what is obviously going to be propaganda vomiting from these accounts. That said, you can call me twat any time, I just enjoy how it sounds, it tastes good when I say it.
ReplyDeleteYou hear that everyone? Pickleope likes the taste of twats! Ahahahaha!
DeleteI don't think British people follow David Cameron's account out of legitimate interest. Every time he tweets, people just respond with insults. "Fuck off dishface" being the most popular.
You brought up some valid points. I also think we should murder all of our politicians and form a government based on retweets and likes.
ReplyDeleteIf we did that, we'd end up with PewDiePie as President.
DeleteYou can laugh, but government by social media is the way of the future.
ReplyDeleteIf a policy can't be explained in 140 characters or less, we shouldn't be doing it anyway.
#tweetyourtaxreturn
You could be onto something with simplified, Twitterised politics. Of course, manifestos would read like someone talking in their sleep:
DeleteMore money.....faster trains....nicer lunches....
Ed Balls.
ReplyDeleteI was tempted to just leave it at that but I thought you deserved a real comment after something like that. I get the feeling the tories actually probably would offer a cash incentive to like them on Facebook. If you want a good time then just search for David Cameron's Twitter to see his mentions. It's a never ending stream of abuse. You're bound to learn some new words that really prove how creative the "oiks" can be.
Yes, the only reason to follow politicians on social media is to read the amazing put downs people come up with. It's an upside to an otherwise horrible state of affairs.
DeleteAlso, the Conservative party have been buying advertising campaigns on Facebook, and sponsoring their own tweets, for real. I hope you didn't have any other plans for that tax money.
I think Michelle Obama or someone was caught with 1.5 millions fake followers on Twitter. A repulsive, irredeemable crime, I know.
ReplyDeleteAnd pardon me if I'm not up-to-date on UK politics, but with a name like Ed Balls, how is he not conquering every social media outlet by now?
Ed Balls is in opposition at the moment, along with party leadet Ed Miliband. I'm hope that they run with the campaign slogan "Two Eds are better than one"
DeleteThere is nothing quite like standing on on ilkley moor bah twat. . . . I am not sure you are allowed to join social media unless you are a socialist . . . .
ReplyDeleteMr Ben will be reading this and writing in his diary saying to his old mate Michael Foot . . . We need to have a party with less body part based politician names.....
Are you including Ed Balls?
DeleteI think if Ed is in the labour party, so are they. . . . . . so Yes indeed. . . . . . I think they might be working from the feet upwards.
Delete