You Were Always On My Timeline

As a master of the literary arts, there’s much more to my repertoire than the humorous penis jokes that I usually post here.  In fact, deep down I am a very delicate and complex soul, like a rickety, antique clothes mangle.  It may surprise you to learn that I am actually something of a poet.

That’s right.  My life’s motto has always been “prose before hoes”.  On any given day, you are likely to find me sitting under a tree next to a river, pondering  the subtleties and subtexts of my latest creations, and definitely not peeing in the river.  I forged my craft at amateur poetry readings, made iambic pentameter my bitch, and honed my poetry skills in the fires of public readings.  Here is my latest effort; a commentary about our 21^st century online romances.  It’s called You Were Always On My Timeline.  Please enjoy.

These people have in no way influenced my poetry, just so you know.

Maybe I didn't tweet you
Quite as much as I should have
Maybe I didn't poke you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

Maybe I didn't invite you
All those Candy Crushing times
And I guess I never told you
I'm happy when you're online
My status you had to second guess
I'm so sorry I was blind
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

Tell me, tell me Google Plus will never die
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied


Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

You were always on my timeline it's true
I never followed anyone else but you
You were on my mind and in my circle
I barely social networked but you
You were always
I tried so hard I thought you knew
My love I’d tag myself for you
I’ll give up work to have the time
And I guess you couldn't read my mind
You were always

You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

I hope you enjoyed that.  If you didn't then you obviously don't appreciate good poetry that in no way infringes on copyrighted materials from a certain 80's/90's synth-pop duo.  That, my friends is your problem, not mine.

Get Twitter Singing

I've always wanted to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.  Failing that, I'll teach the world to spit filthy rap lyrics while they bounce through a car wash on hydraulics.  It's a simple dream of mine, to bring music to the masses without having an ounce of musical talent myself.  That's why I started ripping off song lyrics and posting them on Twitter.

Using my Twitter alias, Ollie The Pigeon, I have begun spitting phat rhymes into the Internet ether.  Hopefully it will catch on and we'll all sit around campfires singing these songs.  Perhaps we'll have peace on Earth someday and I can claim full responsibility for it.

Here's to you Mrs Doubtfire, Jesus hates the sinful way you dress.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 15, 2014

Last night a DJ saved my life with his schlong.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 28, 2014

Dance then wherever you may be, I am the lord of Dance Dance Revolution said he.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 10, 2014

Take me down to the Vatican City where the grass is green and the girls are marginalised in the name of Christ for the last 2000 years.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) April 27, 2014

I wanna know what love is. Oh, so it's an overwhelming feeling of affection for another person? Thanks for clearing that up.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 29, 2014

Relight my fire, your calor gas is my only desire.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 21, 2014

"Who's that girl running around with you?" Jessica Ennis.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 16, 2014

Skinny jeans are not my lover, they're just some clothes that won't pull up over my knees.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 4, 2014

Bye bye Miss Melton Mowbry pie, drove my rover down to Dover for some cheapo French wine.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 15, 2014

Don't want to be an American idiot. Luckily I'm British.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 21, 2014

Not technically a song, but a job opportunity for Snoop Dog/Lion/Bobcat:

Crowdfunding: please back my campaign to make the gangster WWII film, Fo' Shizzler's List.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 24, 2014

And this is one is more of a confession:

#ShamefulSecrets there was a once a time when I thought Missy Elliott was encouraging folks to "Get Your Free Corn"
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 9, 2014

Please join my movement by following me on Twitter:

@Olliethepigeon

 The results of the 400th post contest will be posted on Monday.

Gideon's Guide To Social Networking

Hello twats!

It is I, George Osborne. Some of you might know me as "Gideon", while others in the North may know me as "Oi Twat", as I found out while visiting a steel mill in Sheffield. An aide reliably informed me that "twat" means "gentleman of reputable nature", so I've made it my word of the week. Rest assured, myself and the rest of the cabinet are a bunch of massive twats. And twattettes. We mustn't forget about Theresa May.

Regardless, I've had my good chums over at GCHQ take over a few Internet blogs to spread the good word about the coalition government. That's why I have borrowed ##THE MUPPETS OF JUSTICE##  today, and will be giving it back shortly after some minor improvements. I really think this place could use a dash of blue and a logo that resembles a blind kid's rendition of a tree.

More importantly, however, is what your government can do for you. Did you know that you can earn money by supporting the Conservatives via social media sites? That right. Myself, Dave and Boris are all willing to give up to £50 for every like we get on Facebook. This is because we made a bet with the Liberal Democrats over who was most popular. If the Lib Dems win, they get to keep their precious NHS.  A fool's errand!

We are also encouraging our Twitter followers to retweet us into oblivion. Do you remember Dave's latest completely intentional Barack Obama joke?

"I've been speaking to @BarackObama about the situation in Ukraine. We are united in condemnation of Russia's actions."

Or how about the wonderful times we've shared online together, such as this:

Oh how we laughed, although I didn't fully understand it.

Of course, we are aware that some people find politicians on Facebook and Twitter as repugnant as the gigantic queen slug that shat out us Bullingdon boys, where we germinated in our mucus membranes until we resembled humanoid lifeforms.However, we are willing to pay cold hard cash for popularity. Just like in real life, we will throw money at people until they like us.

Don't think of this as a waste of taxpayer's money. The money for my followers actually comes from my father's account in the Cayman Islands. See, I'm just like you in that way; willing to throw my undeserved pool of wealth into a popularity venture, just as any old Tom, Dick and Harry off the street would do.

By liking us, over time you may actually learn to love us, like victims of abuse. We will keep you updated on how shit Europe is, all of Boris's private shareholder meetings, and how many GQ awards I've won for being the world's best politician.  We promise not to mention The Big Society again since we're killing it quietly, so there's no need to worry about that.  If we can at least stop people from retweeting Ed Balls for a few days, that would be a massive victory for our term in government.

Tally bye you lovely twats, and I look forward to seeing you on the social media site of your choice.

Throngar's Mighty Personal Brand

Greetings, puny subjects.  I am Throngar, son of Grongar, high prince of the Gammon Kingdom.   When I’m not leading my vast armies into glory on the battlefield, I’m usually perfecting my personal brand.  That’s what I’m here to talk to you about today.

You see, brand awareness is an important aspect of any genocidal warlord’s life.  They say that half the battle is won in the mind, so it is always a great idea to promote yourself as a guy who shouldn’t be trifled with.  Opponents will always feel the weariness of war before you take out their intestines and wear them as trendy scarves.  But how do you build up a personal brand, I hear you ask?  Well, there’s several methods through which you can achieve this.

A terrified man reacts to my overwhelming personal brand

Always be memorable.  That’s my main philosophy.  When I enter the battlefield, I don’t just tiptoe up to first guy whispering “shussssh” and try to chloroform him with a particularly sweaty pig.  No, I stride into view like a man who belongs there, shouting about my huge bollocks and how I can swing them around to slay bears.  Sometimes I like to arrive on the battlefield whilst riding a wave of enemy skulls.  I’ve pinned an extra five legs onto my horse to make it look more demonic.  You really need to work on your showmanship if you are going to be a successful warlord.

Fire is always a good framing tool for your military campaigns.  Leave a long, snaking trail of fire through the paths of destruction you cause.  This looks especially impressive at night and serves as free advertising.  This works even better if you can spell your name in ten foot high flames on any monument or civic structure you come across.

Also, chisel yourself a large collection of business stones.  These should include your name, a means of contact, and a short slogan such as “Pillaging You Everyday”.  Give these out to survivors and tell them how much you value their custom, or else you’ll eat their first born.  Thank them for being passive in crowning you their high king.  I tell you, a village in which you’ve already canvassed for support is far easier to rape.

There’s also a pioneering technique that I like to use called “social networking”.  What this means is that you scratch messages into carrier pigeons (no more than 140 characters.  Keep it simple, stupid!) that people can like.  It helps your followers keep abreast of the latest gossip and mass murders you’ve committed and really helps to spread the word.

With these handy hints you’ll have constructed a positive personal brand to wow your friends with in no time.  Just remember where to send those loyalty gold pieces to, or else you’ll be receiving a rather stern business card from me shortly.  Fare thee well, hombres!

I Hate Facebook

Although it’s been said many times, many ways; I hate Facebook.

It wasn’t always this way. A few years ago, Facebook was one of my favourite things on the Internet. There were fun times to be had with humorous status updates, catching up with old friends, and insulting people on various extreme right wing groups.

Back in 2009 I started using the Notes feature to automatically import posts from Muppets For Justice directly onto my Facebook profile. You just simply pointed it at your URL, and it created a Note everytime it detected a new post, then alerted all of your friends to it. This was a brilliant automatic feature. For a long time I had two small communities following the stuff I’d written, one on Blogger, and one on Facebook which my family and friends read.

Then, the evil Lord Zuckerberg noticed that Facebook had become an Internet sensation. Hundreds of millions of people were logging on every day to tell the world what they had for dinner, or to insult their boss after adding their boss as a friend, and this pleased Zuckerberg.




So ladies, what first attracted you to the fabulously wealthy Mark Zuckerberg?

Despite his billions from advertising revenue and millions of loyal minions, he still found himself worried by a new social network launched by Google, appropriately named Google+. This angered the Dark One. How dare someone try and emulate his success? It’s not like he’d ever taken elements from other people’s websites to try and improve his own. Facebook Chat is in no way like other IM programs such as MSN Messenger (or as it’s now known, Live. God, that makes me feel old). This new social network would have to die. Sitting in his crimson citadel of the damned, the Demon Prince Of Teh Internets began to formulate a plan.

Fast forward a month or two, and Facebook suddenly drops its support for importing posts from Blogger (a Google company). For someone like me, that meant my readership was instantly cut in half. By way of apology for this heinous crime, Facebook cheerfully announces “you can always link people to your Blog through status updates”.

Thanks a fucking bunch for this helpful fucking feature you fucking fuckity fuckers! I’m so pleased that a beautifully automated process has been replaced with one which requires me to manually pester my friends and family like an extreme version of Nathan Barley.  As if people don't hate me enough!

So, there I go, laboriously posting a link each and every time I update (and yes, my problems are just as important as third world famine), when suddenly, Facebook informs me that I cannot post links to Muppets For Justice any longer, as it has been reported as "offensive".

What the titty-drippings is so offensive about my blog?  This place is about as offensive as a Christian pamphlet.  Or perhaps a Christian pamphlet folded in such a way that it looks like a phallus.

On another note, have you noticed that Facebook tends to display updates from people you don’t really like? According to my extensive research (i.e. a video that someone showed me), there is an algorithm which calculates how often you interact with certain people, and then shows you the status updates the people you are least interested in. It would seem that this is an effort to stop you from neglecting your least favourite friends. However, what this fails to realise is that there’s probably a strong case for not talking to those people very often. Perhaps it’s the annoying way in which they post every minute detail about their moronic children:

“shaneliza jus woke up an puked on herself!!! shes so clever!!!!1 i love mine princess foreva neva forget babydoll loves always!!!!!!!!!!11”

Or maybe it’s the moronic way in which women that end up in bad relationships end up posting things like this on a monthly basis:

“stupid fuckin men r all the same!!!! much better off single wiv my baby girl shaneliza huw i luv more than life itself!!!!!!”





I hope that one day these people will realise that, in a moment of self reflection, the only constant in their failed romances is themselves. The fact that Facebook tries to cram more of this junk onto my screen is one of the most annoying aspects.

Oh and in case you’re wondering, yes I will still be using Facebook, yes I do have a tendency towards hyperbole, and yes, the rages are becoming more frequent.  Next time, a rant on how much I hate reaching for the remote control.  I can feel a lie down in a darkened room coming on. And a wank.